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Advice appreciated.Losing faith in him.


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Hi. I have never used these sites before but I have found myself needing advice and support that I can't ask for or have at home. My husband is a decent man and I have friends and family but they all know each other and honestly I don't trust my friends or his family to keep it to themselves even if I did share this. My family and I aren't close due to my childhood. I'm also afraid that if I tell anyone they'd agree and honestly right now I couldn't handle that. I'm already struggling.

Anyway,I'll try to cut this down but I'm sorry if I ramble. I was neglected and abused as a child. As an adult I still suffer anxiety and depression but for the most part I function as well as can be expected. I do however have a lot of self hatred. I hate injustice and don't like people bad mouthing others. I feel there hurt I suppose so try really hard to avoid any kind of harsh opinion on others. The other night my husband had drunk a fair bit of wine and he suddenly announced that he thought I was 'judgemental,moralistic and thoug I was superior to other people'. I was completely stunned. It's like he was talking about a stranger. I was devestated. I still am,hence this post. The one person I thought knew me and had my back was sat there accusing me of being something I didn't even recognise. Now,I'm going to say here. I am not perfect,I know that. Judging people or situations is human nature. It's how we survive and form opinions. Yes,I have morals. I believe in love,justice,fairness and trying to be good. I do find it difficult to understand when someone does something I consider wrong,like cheating or hurting someone. It doesn't mean I believe I'm better than anyone. Jeez,I honestly think I'm no better than an amoeba most of the time. It's hard to be lower than that! When people bad mouth others I'm the first to defend them. I've been called on it many times when I've said," Aww don't..they're really nice". Or when I've had to sit and listen to his family criticise a supposed friend for being 'fat',then be laughed at for not wanting to comment. When my friends have hurt me with unkind words I've been very upset but only ever been angry at their actions. I didn't judge their life,just couldn't understand and was deeply hurt by what they had done to upset me. They were obstructive during the wedding build up and I was very upset but kept reminding myself that actually they were busy people and the wedding wasn't the be all and end all. I've been misinterpreted by family and stuck up for them so as not to cause a family rift. I've kept quiet a lot about many things and now I feel so so very upset. I may be many things but I am not a bad person. I genuinely don't think I'm perfect and I know I make mistakes,everyone does,but I do not understand this.

The only thing I can put this down to is when I was a child I wsnt allowed an opinion. My husband encouraged me to have one. I still find it hard and hate having to even decide on having a tea or coffee. Over our relationship I've managed to be able to express my emotions a little better and I've had cause to explain that two of his friends have offended me at seperate time. One was treating me like a servant and actually told me to ," off" whilst we were staying at his house. I didn't know what to do as him and my husband were drunk,so kept it all in until the journey home. My husband said it was most likely the drink but said he understood why I wasn't happy. He didn't however say anything at the time it happened but I guess he was drunk too. Another one of his friends talked down to me and basically accused me of being with my husband for his money and said he'd changed since meeting me. If my husband has changed that is his doing. I've never stopped him seeing friends,quite the contrary. Anyway,I've kept my distance from the one who swore at me and I've completely refused to be near the other as he smokes weed and becomes very nasty. I have been surrounded by abusive and drunk men my whole life so decided one of my 'assertive' moves would be to no longer put myself in those situations.

My husband is a good man but I see a man who has been brought up surrounded by women who gossip and bad mouth others. I see a man who gets caught up in the men's games and wants to be one of them then doesn't have the strength to stand up for what he believes in. He is unhappy with work,but then he was unhappy in his last job too. He complained for almost three years and eventually got another and we moved home back to nearer my adult children. He said he was happy with this. Now I suspect he wasn't completely truthful. He says he wants another job but hasn't looked really. He drinks more now than when we met and although for the most part he is very silly and pleasant with it he can get very moody. I've seriously suggested a doctors appointment for depression and wonder at times if he isn't going through the male menopause. I've asked him if he loves me. The answer is always the same,'Of course I do.I love you loads'.

Id have put the comments the other night down to the drink and thought that maybe me sharing an opinion triggered something but I knew he meant it or believed he was right when he didn't apologise the next morning. It's very rare we fight or even disagree,but if he has upset me and knows he is wrong he will always apologise as soon as he wakes. He is a stubborn man but he is also a soft one. He didn't apologise at all until the following evening. He said he was sorry for hurting me. No mention of being sorry about what he said. From what he said he apologises for upsetting me but not what he said. This somehow makes it worse because now I know he really believes it. He sat for ages in silence trying to find words to explain and I sat in silence hoping something he said made sense. It didn't. He just made me feel worse by basically saying I do judge and should stop saying I don't. I have never said I don't. I have said I try hard not to because I do try hard to see the good in everyone.

Either im not the person I thought I was and I'm way worse or he genuinely sees me as someone who I'm not. Either way I can't even be around him right now,let alone look at him. He seems to think that his apology will clear the air and usually it would but I really can't seem to get my head around this. It's hurt me beyond belief. He is meant to know me better than anyone and I can't be with someone who honestly thinks these things.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I really bad and just don't know it? Can I have spent my whole life thinking I'm being kind and treating people with equality and respect and actually have been doing none of e things? I'm sorry for rambling but I'm genuinely distraught. How can I get past this because right now I don't see how its possible. He clearly see a me differently than how I see myself.

Thank you in advance for replies received. I wish I had support here to help me but I feel lost and scared really. He is my rock and I feel I'm losing him,losing faith in him and losing a sense of who I am.

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You could maybe try asking him for some examples, or to provide evidence for his claim? You could perhaps ask what he'd have you do differently, if he could? If his case doesn't convince you, then you probably aren't what he claims you are, especially if you're mindful not to be. You do, however, seem to already be having doubts that this man is who you really want, given 'I can't be with someone who honestly thinks these things.'.

 

He doesn't sound terribly polite or respectful, and if he makes you uncomfortable being yourself or makes you doubt who you are, that's not good. Given his drunkenness, seeming lack of desire to find a new job, and his unpleasant friends, you'll forgive me for not really seeing him as much of a catch. There is a difference between constructive criticism, given with a desire to help you better yourself, and drunken insult. If he really thinks you're so awful, then he should be glad of it if you decide you care not to put up with him anymore.

 

Try honest communication again, if it fails, re-evaluate what you want and need, and take steps accordingly.

If you know you aren't a bad person, then you mostly likely aren't, so don't let him get to you.

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All of the incidents you mentioned had some kind of drinking (and in one case, smoking pot) involved. Do you think perhaps it would help your husband to stop drinking and stop hanging around people that drink?

I think you have to take what he said with a grain of salt. If you believe there's any truth to it, then all you can do is be more conscious of the behavior. But right now you're letting someone else's opinion be your truth, and that's not necessarily healthy for you. Just because he said it doesn't make it so.

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"I have been surrounded by abusive and drunk men my whole life so decided one of my 'assertive' moves would be to no longer put myself in those situations. "

 

An assertive move would be to leave this abusive and drunk man.

Stop deluding yourself that your husband is a decent man purely because his abuse differs from the abuse you received prior to him.

He is abusive and dismissive of you. The reason you still have low self worth is because you continue to surround yourself by abusers.

Emotional abuse is the worst kind.

Leave him.

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Unfortunately your husband drinks too much and gets rather opinionated. Why care about his drunken pontificating? Don't argue with him when he drinks. This just sounds like an argument about who is more opinionated than the other. Ignore it. You entire self-worth sound not be contingent on drunken ramblings.

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I'm sorry, your husband sounds like a classic alcoholic. And they can be very cruel verbally either drunk or getting sober. My dad was lovely when he was drunk, a tyrant when he was suffering a hangover. It's taken me years to get over some of the things he said to me and my family as a child, all of us. Something he was very remorseful of after he finally got into AA.

 

I'm sorry, but you married a guy whose abusive verbally when he's drunk. Either you learn to tune that out with a "yes dear" and go on about your life and ignore the crap that comes out of his mouth OR you leave him telling him his drinking is out of control and he needs to handle it. And you aren't sticking around to see if he does.

 

At least go join Al-Anon or find a support group, it can help you work out that none of this really is your fault. He has a drinking problem, a serious one, and unless and until he decides and admits to that you can talk until your blue in the face but it will not change anything. Alcoholics decide when they need help, IF they ever do.

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Thank you for the replies. It's very much appreciated. I just wanted to clarify a few things that I'd not mentioned in the first post. His friend who smokes weed is no longer allowed in our home and my husband made the decision to stop seeing him a while ago,calling him hard work and he knew I would only assert myself if I believed myself to be correct. The other friend lives away and he rarely see him now either and the last time he saw him he went alone as I'd requested. He does drink a fair amount but I'd say 99% of the time he is a sweetheart. He is kind to me and my family ,he cooks,cleans,takes care of me when I'm unwell,provides for me well despite hating his current job and apart from these rare occurrences he isn't at all horrible to me. That's why I'm so shocked and hurt by his outburst. His family are way more opinionated and outspoken than I have ever been and he has been known to do his fair share of complaining about people too. I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just clearing up some things that maybe came across in my post as a regular occurrence.

He has since made a comment about cutting back on drinking and even had coffee last night instead of the usual wine. He has looked genuinely sorry for hurting my feelings but still hasn't said he is sorry for saying it or that he does not think it.

I've spent the day trying to figure out if there's any truth in what he said. I admit I sometimes talk a lot but mostly out of a genuine happiness at chatting with him. He always says he loves the times we just sit and chat about nonsense. I suppose that's why I'm so confused. He used to love our nights of catching up on our friends and families news. No malice was ever intended or indeed made. We just talked and shared views.

I believe it was the drink and I will have to talk about it with him. I also believe that although I can be a chatty chatty person I'm certain I'm not ever intentionally judgemental and I definitely don't think I'm better than anyone else. I will be telling him how I feel and admit that frankly the drinking needs to get sorted,he needs to understand that I won't accept this and that I'm not willing to be with anyone who behaves that way. I think today has been a light bulb day. Your comments have been hard to read but helpful. It's reminded me I deserve better.

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Do you drink?

 

Drinking brings out honesty but brutal honesty.

Things said whilst drunk are often excused " I was drunk and didn't know what I was saying ", the offended person accepts it.

 

People when drunk NEVER tell lies. However, what they do say ( the truth) is without tact.

 

And often things said when drunk are things they fear saying while sober.

 

Your husband does think you are judgemental etc, his friend does believe you are with him for his money (whether right or wrong but his opinion) and the other friend that told you to F off simply doesn't like you ( that's not personal , some like us some don't)

 

It doesn't matter what his friends think, it does matter what your husband thinks.

 

I suggest if you really think alcohol is not a problem for him, then discuss why he thinks these things , with examples, without alcohol involved and keep an open mind. It may just be that you do have a superiority complex and don't realise it. Listen to what he says and don't argue in defence until you take time out to process what he said. Even come on here for opinions?

 

Good luck

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People when drunk NEVER tell lies. However, what they do say ( the truth) is without tact.

 

While it's true often people are brutally tactless when drunk, there are some who do lie when drunk. And someone who is drunk will lie when they feel attacked OR when they feel guilty. They'll say things to try and convince themselves and others that they are the problem, not the drinking. And that may well have been what prompted his outburst, he may well know he has a problem, was feeling guilty over it, and then in his less than brilliant state of mind decided to have a go at you to convince himself you were the problem not him.

 

It's called projection in psychology. It's similar to when people are cheating and they'll pick fights with their partner to convince themselves they have a "reason" to cheat or that what they're doing isn't so terrible since if only their partner wasn't so terrible they wouldn't be doing what they're doing or that they're really the victim in it all.

 

People, both sober and drunk, will pretty much lie through their teeth to try and keep themselves and you from knowing they have a serious problem sometimes. It's one of the reasons I say I think your husband has a drinking problem, because I have seen that exact thing, witnessed it. There is also grossly exaggerated claims that someone will do when drunk, where a minor annoyance one time may suddenly seem like the hugest deal in the world and it'll come blaring out. It's not exactly a lie, but it is a grossly over-exaggerated or overly dramatic issue suddenly over nothing. And you see that in instances like the drunk who will want to fight you, because one time three years ago you made a remark about their wife having gained a bit of weight. Or that you've looked at them funny and they're now positive you're making fun of them to everyone behind their backs.

 

I do think this can be resolved with a talk in the clear light of day when he's sober though and establishing some boundaries. And when he's sober is the time to talk to him about it calmly and rationally. And then you take it from there, but to me it sounds like he's becoming aware that drinking is causing him some problems. Hopefully he'll stop and stay stopped.

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Thank you for the replies. He came home from work yesterday looking very sad and immediately came to me,hugged me and said he was sorry,over and over. At first I didn't even want to look at him and tried to walk away. At this point he grabbed my hand gently and i started to cry. I told him that I was sad and honestly stunned that he saw me as those things and that although I've got faults I genuinely didn't believe I deserved that. I explained about my past,about him giving me a voice then making me feel bad for being human,how if he truly thought so little of me that he should walk away. He continued to hold my hand and listened. He drew me into him and hugged me whilst I sobbed. He said that I had impossibly high standards for myself and others could never live up to that. I asked him when I'd ever expected anyone to do anything other than be themselves. I told him that my own morals and personal expectations were down to always feeling a need to be perfect or I'd feel nothing,that I'd never intentionally make anyone feel less than worthy for that reason. I know how it feels to hurt from criticism so try my hardest not to inflict that on anyone else. I said that.

I think some of this is down to the drink and some is down to his own feelings about himself. He can often make statements like,'I'm useless" or ,"I'm crap at my job". I wonder if my mentioning his friends has somehow ,in some way,made him feel like he wasn't good enough or tapped into something else.

I have a feeling this will be an ongoing talk for some days to come. Things are still not as they should be and its very unusual for things to be this way. I think even with conversations, alcohol intake reductions and time for the hurt of what was said to pass,I'm still unsure of what will happen. I believe he knows that alcohol was an issue as last night was the third night without any. That is the longest I've ever known him not have any. He drinks way too much and knows it. I do believe he can go without it,he just enjoys it. But ..and this is the big thing...tonight we will talk again and I will make sure he knows that the alcohol consumption either is limited or I will have to seriously think about our future.

What he said has hurt me to the core and I'm still really upset .Time will tell!

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Tackless is a definate when drunk and not always the with truths, sometimes they simply become unpleasant and in some cases can get violent. In your case I would say it probably was what he believes to be the truth about how he sees you, as you said he hasn't apologised for saying those things. It came out because he was drunk and was a thoughtless and tackless thing to do.

 

There are certain chemicals in alchohol, which in some people can have a diverse effect, on their behaviour and most that have that reaction, do not realise they are doing it, so think they have had a great time, whilst someone is hurting by their behaviour. If your husband remembers the whole event and yet still doesn't apologise for his indiscretion of berating you in company, he isn't one of those, who has a bad reaction, just one who spills all when under the influence of drink. Either way, he needs to tackle the drinking, as it is harming him in more ways than he probably realises and it is affecting you too, which isn't fair.

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I don't totally agree that people tell the truth when they are drunk - alcohol clearly distorts people's judgement. That is an accepted fact by many professionals. In that moment - when he is drunk - he may believe that to be the truth, but that doesn't mea. It IS the truth or what he believes when he is sober.

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Good to hear you've both started to talk things out. This is a good first step and I hope you both keep the dialogue up. BTW you don't sound like you have high standards. Not wanting people around you who are mean to you and only nice to your spouse is pretty much a given for anyone. It's one of those times when one SHOULD have standards.

 

Also don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sorry, but I still think you might benefit from going to Al-Anon, even regardless of what he does or doesn't do. If you've had alcoholics in your life one of the dynamics can develop where the person not drinking feels they must be perfect in everything as a way to both keep control and to try in an odd way to be so perfect the alcoholic will hopefully have less stress or be so impressed they'll cut back on their drinking for you.

 

Perfectionism is kind of an earmark, not the only thing true, but it runs heavily in those families and people with extensive life relationships with alcoholics sometimes. Not to say all perfectionism is a bad thing, but a sibling and I just had this conversation since our father was an alcoholic through most of our childhood. And we realized every single kid in the family and my mother are all overly perfectionist. I remember clearly as a child thinking if I could only make all As all the time my father would eventually be so happy he'd stop drinking.

 

I've had to work really hard to develop a normal healthy view of my own self. That if someone is upset with me or I do something less than perfect that the world won't cave in and they won't reject me across the boards.

 

And Al=Anon and counseling helped me with that, so that may be something for you to explore as well. If it's not real to you or you think I'm wrong that's fine too. But just I see a bit of myself there and I can't help but wonder, because I've had to go through that same thing. And being wounded to the core when someone criticizes me, even when I know it was done in anger or not rational or just BS? Yes, absolutely.

 

So I don't think his words had so much truth in them as I suspect some of what you're experiencing may be more of a mindset of something that's kind of intrinsic to those who have lived extensively with alcoholics sometimes. And I'm not even saying that's your husband, yo mentioned being around abusive alcoholic men before them and perhaps one of them left a heavy mark on you is all.

 

Again, just my two cents and if I'm wrong then you can simply say to yourself, "She's wrong," or even to me (I've developed a tougher hide over the years) and move forward. But keep that dialogue going with him and I'm glad to hear he's cut back on his drinking. Hopefully he can make that permanent.

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Root cause of your problem is non acceptance of yourself. Solution to this is as follows :

 

1. You must understand and accept that you are the most beautiful person on the earth. Which you certainly are.

2. Do not feel guilty of anything. Things are bound to go wrong many time , it is natural and very normal

3. Do not give remote control of your feeling to others. Control yourself. If someone says you are good then you feel good .....NEVER ....you are always good irrespective of what people think about you.

 

Practice the above and I see you a happy , peaceful person once again.

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