In a black hole

Morning folks... so after my BU ive tried to do the right things... had a few failed attempts at NC.. tried doing things that i enjoy to keep my mind off it.Made a list of all the negatives in the relationship, I even ended up getting outside help in form of a councillor which was hit and miss....non of it is working...

Ive resisted going down the route of meds so far but im running out of options.

I know that there is a tendency for each individuals situation to be seen as the worst possible case, but im just getting nowhere with it, depression is consuming everyday now, thoughts of her and how she is seemingly hardly affected by whats happened. Its tainting everything for me, i enjoy absolutely nothing these days, and i dont know how long i can carry on like this anymore, ive tried being strong, tried distracting myself, but i just know i haven't let her go... and i cant imagine a day when i will.

Its almost as if i dont want to try these days as i know it'll end up a disaster so there is no point in bothering, the only time i get off from it all is when i sleep, but only after lying awake for hours thinking about it.

I thought i may have worn myself out by now (2 1/2 months) going over and over it but nope... its still there everyday... poking at me.

What should i do next?? I feel so close to losing it, it scares me how my mental state has become, i used to be the life and soul, always smiling.. i couldnt be more different from that person these days...

2.5 months? Got to try being less hard on yourself for a start, as that is no time in the grand scheme of things.

I found the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns quite helpful in getting me motivated to do things in the first 3-6 months post-break up. Quite a lot of little techniques that can get you active, and it will hopefully improve your damaged self-esteem, step by step.

Hey agaboo!!

I am so sorry you are going through this! You already know you are at the right place for support!All of us are going through similar situations.

I see it has been 2 1/2 months since the break up, its' still too soon. If you had this attitude throughout those 2,5 months, i can see why you are having a very hard time.

We are taught that feeling sad is bad, that crying over another person makes us vulnerable and being vulnerable is a bad thing, we are being shamed for being vulnerable. All of this multiples if you are a man. "Men don't cry".....Of course you cry, of course you have feelings and, believe it or not it's OK to be sad.

I do not know your case, but it does seem that you have not allowed yourself to grieve about your relationship. This is the key to moving on. It doesn't matter how long the relationship lasted, it doesn't matter how serious, it doesn't matter if they were not even worth it. When you break up with someone that you were spending time with and investing in them, it hurts. This pain must be expressed in order for it to go away. Now i am not saying that in some magical way accepting that it's ok to be sad will make you instantly get over her, but for me it was a huge relief. I allowed myself to grieve my loss (and still am) guilt-free. Who cares if other people tell me "you should get over it", they just think that they are helping, when they are just putting more pressure on me. Would you ever tell a young kid "you should move on already" if it's crying for the loss of it's beloved cat?

So i hope this helps, but allow yourself to cry your eyes out. Allow yourself to desperately want her back, allow yourself to be sad. One thing to avoid is dreaming of getting back together cause that just gives you false hope ,not that you can't ever get back together, but it's better for you to heal yourself at this time. What helps me get by is "what is meant to be will be". As i love saying, it takes the chaos out of the break up and helps you focus on yourself during no contact.

Take care and keep us posted!!

PS: i am reading a book of Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly" it talks about vulnerability (hence my advice), its not about relationships, but it is helping me in general, relationships included, look it up if you like!

Thanks Rich and Cope... its been good to me this forum...

Im not really too shy about showing my emotions over it all... obviously i try to not make a fool out of myself with them infront of people.

Its just the feeling in every waking moment that i am so close to snapping and having some sort of breakdown, something is going to push me over the edge one day and that scares me a bit.

Ive started to believe that i am as bad as she made out, no matter how much i don't agree with it.. and i still have an almost uncontrollable urge to speak to her and try and smooth things over... even though she has been clear that its not possible... everyday its tearing me up inside and i don't know how long i can carry on feeling like this... there must be and end point... but i dont see it.

Hi Agaboo,

I do not have any recipes to make you feel better. But, if it's any consolation, I can imagine how you feel. For me, the hardest part about moving on from my ex has been not the fact that we are not together (I don't and even didn't want to be together knowing how unhealthy the whole thing was) but similarly to you my self-esteem due to some stuff he said or implied, even though I know in my head it is not true, or at least not to the extent he made it out to be.

It sounds like you don't have a closure. Sadly, with some people, there is no closure. But you can make your own.

Look, might it help you to share what exactly you ex said, the making you out "as bad"? Sometimes if you talk it through, e.g. here with us, at least the key most important bits, it might sort things in your head, more so than a generic advice. And then gradually your emotions will align with the more organised mind.

At 2. 1/2 months I still had hope that me and my ex would reconcile. That was last November. It's now May and we aren't back together.....but I feel much more at peace and moved on. Most of it is time and just accepting it as over for good. I think holding on to hope definetely keeps most people stuck. It did me. Also, working out helps tremendously. I wish they could bottle the endorphine rush.

Make some goals for yourself and get your butt out of bed every day. I hate to say it but one thought that motivates me is my ex actually seeing me and I think 'would I want him to see me looking like a hot mess? ' lol.....the answer is NO!!!

Regardless of why you do it.....just do it. It gets easier.

Hi Waraqqa... thanks for the reply..

I guess it comes down to me being quite a forgiving person.. and her not so much..

We had problems throughout the relationship.. mainly boiling down to her wanting to move things on faster than i felt i wanted to, but the big problem was the communication over these issues... she tended to become very emotional, almost out of nowhere about marriage/kids.. and this led to me wanting to get off the subject as soon as possible because i didn't want an argument. Make no mistake i never said i didn't want it or anything like that, and i reassured her to just relax and that good things will happen if i can have a bit of room to breath....i just didn't like to feel like i was being pressured into it. That was an issue from around 12/14 months, and i thought that was a little early to be falling out over such things...

There were times i wasnt perfect... obviously, but never anything big, the fights were all over little things that would get bottled up and stored for weeks... then she'd burst out crying on me and want a break from it all...

The reason i feel bad is even though i tried my heart out, she's made me feel like i was such a chore to be with, not in a nasty/ vindictive way, but by the things she has said, telling me she is happier now we are not together, things like that.. and that really hurt to hear. I,without realising it became depressed whilst we were together, splitting up highlighted this, and that i feel was down to the pressure i felt under, feeling like nothing i could do was right, our little "in jokes" weren't funny anymore..

From the conversations we've had she fell out of love with me long ago, around christmas time, again that stings knowing ive been carrying on thinking all was well.. feel so stupid now... i just wish i could talk to her face to face and try and sort it out, but its never going to happen now.

It felt to me that she was so focused on things id done wrong in the past and things she wanted but wasn't getting... that neither of us could possibly enjoy "now" from my perspective i just felt i was treading on eggshells and couldn't be the guy she was so besotted with months earlier, i was depressed (didn't realise at that point) and so scared of making a mistake that i just shut down and plodded on.

And thats what hurts, should i have just swallowed my pride and proposed before i wanted to/financially could?... and given her children as soon as she wanted?

My head is just a tangled mess and i don't know where to start.

I'm in much the same position. Sometimes I think I will never get over her but you just keep pressing on. I feel bad and get mad at myself for still loving her when she is long gone. However it is a loss and we have to grieve in our own way. I often feel I'm losing my mind but that is part of the process for some of us. I understand what you say when you mentioned that she stated she is happier now. I experienced the same thing with my ex. She said things at the end that just hurt me deeply. Try to stop analyzing it and work your way to accepting it...I know, easy to say but hard to do. For whatever reason the person we cared for let us go. It doesn't mean we are bad people or necessarily did something wrong it just means they were not happy. Keep fighting, take it day to day. Remember there is no time limit to when this has to go away. You will get there in your own time.

If you have tried something, and it's not working, than it means you simply haven't tried it hard enough.

Try again. And again....and again until results.

agaboo -

Sometimes it seems like forever before you stop hurting. Remind yourself that it is all part of a process.

People here are giving you lots of good advice. Definitely - first and foremost - be good to yourself. You did the right thing. If you were not ready to go where she wanted to go, then you were not ready. And if she couldn't understand or accept that - well that is on her, not on you.

NEVER compromise your beliefs for someone else's.

In the meanwhile, give yourself time to heal, Stop trying to force yourself to feel better. deep breath. Just remember that you will heal.

If you need closure - write her a letter. BUT don't send it to her. Shred it burn it - whatever works for you.

It took me almost 6 months to let go of my last failed relationship. And then , one day I woke up & I realized I was done. "Okay - time to move on." and I did. And you will, too

Ruminating about it is not helping. It's only your perception that she is off happy now and you are suffering. Break-ups affect both people who have to adjust to the break-up. Not getting counselling or appropriate medical treatment is fueling the depression and ruminations. Get the help you need and stick with it and continue no contact... it will take time to readjust and move on. Broken hearts are a universal human experience, but severe depression needs to be addressed to help pull you out.

Hi Waraqqa... thanks for the reply..

I guess it comes down to me being quite a forgiving person.. and her not so much..

We had problems throughout the relationship.. mainly boiling down to her wanting to move things on faster than i felt i wanted to, but the big problem was the communication over these issues... she tended to become very emotional, almost out of nowhere about marriage/kids.. and this led to me wanting to get off the subject as soon as possible because i didn't want an argument. Make no mistake i never said i didn't want it or anything like that, and i reassured her to just relax and that good things will happen if i can have a bit of room to breath....i just didn't like to feel like i was being pressured into it. That was an issue from around 12/14 months, and i thought that was a little early to be falling out over such things...

There were times i wasnt perfect... obviously, but never anything big, the fights were all over little things that would get bottled up and stored for weeks... then she'd burst out crying on me and want a break from it all...

The reason i feel bad is even though i tried my heart out, she's made me feel like i was such a chore to be with, not in a nasty/ vindictive way, but by the things she has said, telling me she is happier now we are not together, things like that.. and that really hurt to hear. I,without realising it became depressed whilst we were together, splitting up highlighted this, and that i feel was down to the pressure i felt under, feeling like nothing i could do was right, our little "in jokes" weren't funny anymore..

 

From the conversations we've had she fell out of love with me long ago, around christmas time, again that stings knowing ive been carrying on thinking all was well.. feel so stupid now... i just wish i could talk to her face to face and try and sort it out, but its never going to happen now.

It felt to me that she was so focused on things id done wrong in the past and things she wanted but wasn't getting... that neither of us could possibly enjoy "now" from my perspective i just felt i was treading on eggshells and couldn't be the guy she was so besotted with months earlier, i was depressed (didn't realise at that point) and so scared of making a mistake that i just shut down and plodded on.

And thats what hurts, should i have just swallowed my pride and proposed before i wanted to/financially could?... and given her children as soon as she wanted?

My head is just a tangled mess and i don't know where to start.

Agaboo,

If you were not ready for such a serious step as marriage and kids, then you did the right thing by not "swallowing your pride and proposing". Gosh, this kind of a step should Never ever be made out of guilt or pressure!! You know, when I was much younger and more naive, I almost married someone out of guilt! Needless to say, 9 months later I anyway called it off - my system just couldn't take it; and then the whole thing fell apart. As I said before, I am unfortunately susceptible to being guilted in. You did the right thing by Not proposing. It was not "pride", it was listening to yourself and not jumping somewhere prematurely. How many people succumb to pressure only to become resentful to their spouses later on.

Bottling things up was not a good thing to do. If anything similar happens in the future, you can explain to the new person that needing more time does not imply you don't love the person (though it kind of sounds that you actually did that, right?) Also, please don't regret anything, because whatever you did or said or not said at the time you did based on the level of awareness you had then, that's All you could do - that's all anyone can do. Personally, I often see things differently in hindsight, whereas it is very difficult to find what to do on the spot. Communication and verbal stuff are also my weak spot, especially in conflictual situations. Most of the stuff I still go over in my head about my ex is specifically what or how I should've said - but at the time I just could not have thought of that particular answer. And then remember, that it is always two who tango. In a way, "shutting down" is not that bad - my problem was the opposite, I was too reactive.

Sometimes people just move at different paces, and if the paces are too different, then they don't fit very well. It can happen. People can be in love with one another and still be incompatible long-term; it is OK. Also, whenever you feel like you are walking on eggshells, it is usually not a good sign, especially if it continues for a while.

Some women want to settle very quickly. I've had close female friends that just couldn't stay in a relationship unless they knew that soon it would be a family - and it is understandable, b/c some feel like that, biological clock ticking and so on. That's ok. But it is also ok for the other person not to be ready, so I repeat that you did the right thing.

Importantly, you say that you "tried your heart out" - that is important. Rather than being hurt by that, it should bring you peace, because then you know that in those moments you tried your best, and that's all anyone can do. You tried, you didn't give up, you did your homework so to speak. If you were lazy and indifferent, then you'd feel bad in the end, looking back and regretting. But you tried, and it didn't work out. You did your homework, now you are free! It's not on you to not have "tried" then.

Feel free to write more if it helps. I find journaling also helpful, especially with any specific details that may be bothersome. I write out the situation and ask myself, what could I or should I have done better? And I write that down also. Then I make a mental note of it for an internal "closure" and chalk it up to a lesson. And sometimes in the process I also realise that there is nothing I could have done better, that I already did my best in that particular incident.

Try not to get overstuck on it, either. Maybe set some time aside every day, or whenever you get majorly overwhelmed by these thoughts or feelings, and then write. Then put it aside and focus on the present moment and the tasks at hand, work and hobbies.

"The reason i feel bad is even though i tried my heart out, she's made me feel like i was such a chore to be with, not in a nasty/ vindictive way, but by the things she has said, telling me she is happier now we are not together, things like that.. and that really hurt to hear. I,without realising it became depressed whilst we were together, splitting up highlighted this, and that i feel was down to the pressure i felt under, feeling like nothing i could do was right, our little "in jokes" weren't funny anymore..

From the conversations we've had she fell out of love with me long ago, around christmas time, again that stings knowing ive been carrying on thinking all was well.. feel so stupid now... i just wish i could talk to her face to face and try and sort it out, but its never going to happen now.

It felt to me that she was so focused on things id done wrong in the past and things she wanted but wasn't getting... that neither of us could possibly enjoy "now" from my perspective i just felt i was treading on eggshells and couldn't be the guy she was so besotted with months earlier, i was depressed (didn't realise at that point) and so scared of making a mistake that i just shut down and plodded on.

And thats what hurts, should i have just swallowed my pride and proposed before i wanted to/financially could?... and given her children as soon as she wanted?

My head is just a tangled mess and i don't know where to start"

-First of all.. No. You do NOT rush into marriage & kids because ONE partner wants it.

It is called respect for one another & time.

She showed to lack in that.

Does NOT make you a bad person.. at all.

I think you should try some prof help.. therapy. because it sounds like she really affected you deeply, in an emotional manner. You're damaged.

Look at all of this as an experience. you tried...

But, sometimes we have to realize we are NOT so compatible and things aren't working.

Believe me.. it's NOT all you in this. She really pressured you a lot! Totally unfair.

So.. in time, i hope you see this. You are a good person and you tried.

Agaboo,

 

If you were not ready for such a serious step as marriage and kids, then you did the right thing by not "swallowing your pride and proposing". Gosh, this kind of a step should Never ever be made out of guilt or pressure!! You know, when I was much younger and more naive, I almost married someone out of guilt! Needless to say, 9 months later I anyway called it off - my system just couldn't take it; and then the whole thing fell apart. As I said before, I am unfortunately susceptible to being guilted in. You did the right thing by Not proposing. It was not "pride", it was listening to yourself and not jumping somewhere prematurely. How many people succumb to pressure only to become resentful to their spouses later on.

 

Bottling things up was not a good thing to do. If anything similar happens in the future, you can explain to the new person that needing more time does not imply you don't love the person (though it kind of sounds that you actually did that, right?) Also, please don't regret anything, because whatever you did or said or not said at the time you did based on the level of awareness you had then, that's All you could do - that's all anyone can do. Personally, I often see things differently in hindsight, whereas it is very difficult to find what to do on the spot. Communication and verbal stuff are also my weak spot, especially in conflictual situations. Most of the stuff I still go over in my head about my ex is specifically what or how I should've said - but at the time I just could not have thought of that particular answer. And then remember, that it is always two who tango. In a way, "shutting down" is not that bad - my problem was the opposite, I was too reactive.

 

Sometimes people just move at different paces, and if the paces are too different, then they don't fit very well. It can happen. People can be in love with one another and still be incompatible long-term; it is OK. Also, whenever you feel like you are walking on eggshells, it is usually not a good sign, especially if it continues for a while.

 

Some women want to settle very quickly. I've had close female friends that just couldn't stay in a relationship unless they knew that soon it would be a family - and it is understandable, b/c some feel like that, biological clock ticking and so on. That's ok. But it is also ok for the other person not to be ready, so I repeat that you did the right thing.

 

Importantly, you say that you "tried your heart out" - that is important. Rather than being hurt by that, it should bring you peace, because then you know that in those moments you tried your best, and that's all anyone can do. You tried, you didn't give up, you did your homework so to speak. If you were lazy and indifferent, then you'd feel bad in the end, looking back and regretting. But you tried, and it didn't work out. You did your homework, now you are free! It's not on you to not have "tried" then.

 

Feel free to write more if it helps. I find journaling also helpful, especially with any specific details that may be bothersome. I write out the situation and ask myself, what could I or should I have done better? And I write that down also. Then I make a mental note of it for an internal "closure" and chalk it up to a lesson. And sometimes in the process I also realise that there is nothing I could have done better, that I already did my best in that particular incident.

 

Try not to get overstuck on it, either. Maybe set some time aside every day, or whenever you get majorly overwhelmed by these thoughts or feelings, and then write. Then put it aside and focus on the present moment and the tasks at hand, work and hobbies.

Excellent post

Thanks for the replys.. some good advice in them... its nice to get other peoples views when you feel like you are going mad...

I did try and reinforce with her a few times that we both wanted the same things in life, but it just didn't ever seem to be enough, maybe i didn't recognise fully her insecurities but i felt like we were both on the same page... however it kept coming up.

It was when this started happening that i believe i became slightly depressed, it crept up on me if you like, and having never experienced it never really clicked that it was depression... and as im sure alot of people on here will know.. it effects allsorts... including sex drive etc.. that then led to another problem/issue. Compounded by the fact i already felt i was on eggshells regarding me "taking my time" we then grew apart, with her feeling like i didn't want to commit (incorrectly) and alot of "little things" from the past that she couldn't let go of.. and would sit and stew on for weeks before a tearful breakdown.