New here. Difficult task ahead today.... any support would be welcome

Hi all,

I am new here. I was directed here by a friend after my bf of 1.5 years broke up with me. I am struggling for two reasons. One, our relationship was a very good one. We both valued honesty and openness, and talked about everything, including our ex spouses. Both of us were previously cheated on and left for the affair partner. It was so helpful to be with someone who understands what that is like, and how it affects you in new relationships. We trusted each other completely, with that and with everything else. We had common shared interests and enjoyed spending a lot of time together. We also both had our own interests/friends, and spent happy time apart doing our thing. He spent 3-4 nights a week with me but we never cohabitated or even discussed doing so. Sexually we had amazing chemistry and shared the best sex either one of us have ever experienced. The relationship, in my mind, was healthy and good. I knew that I was more emotionally attached than he was, but I was still comfortable in the relationship and felt safe. His ex was far worse than mine, and he is not completely healed from that betrayal. I felt that his healing, and a deeper relationship bond for us, would come in time, and I was content to wait. I felt that he and what we had together were worth it.

So, fast forward to a month ago. He seemed a bit distant, but he had also started a new job and was coping with an insane schedule. I asked if we were okay; he assured me we were. So I chalked it up to stress and exhaustion, and didn't press the issue. Fast forward again to two weeks ago. We have a conversation. He tells me he wants "more." I say I am also ready for more. He then tells me that he feels this relationship has gone as far as it can, and that he needs to seek out this "more" with someone else. He values me, he appreciates everything we have, but there is some "undefinable connection" that is missing, that he feels he must go find. And that he is very sorry he hurt me, and very much wants to stay friends. Because he cares about me, and likes spending time with me, and feels we were good friends and that our relationship was based on far more than sex. Blah, blah, blah...

Anyway... this is reason number two. This is totally new territory for me. I have never stayed friends with an ex. I have no idea how people do it. He has done it with several women he dated before me. I told him he can do that because he's not emotionally invested. So the leap from friends who F to friends who don't, simply isn't that big of a leap. He agreed he wasn't emotionally close with them (those were much shorter relationships), but that he is absolutely emotionally invested in me and how can I not know that after all this time?? Ack.. whatever. I told him I would need time to sort all this out and make a decision. Over the last two weeks we have texted some, and spoken on the phone once. Most of the contact was initiated by me, but some by him as well. And this is killing me.

I've learned from reading here that it is not only unhealthy but usually impossible to stay friends with an ex. I know he would be a good friend to me, as he has been during the relationship. But I am not in a mindset to be able to be friends with him. I personally think he's going to crash and burn in his future dating attempts, because I believe what's "missing" has little to do with me, and far more to do with him. But I am not interested in standing on the sidelines and watching him date others, even if the result is a popcorn-worthy epic disaster. I feel he's being selfish and unfair to even ask that of me. He keeps saying how much he misses me, and would miss our friendship. I miss him too, terribly, but this was his choice and now he must live with it. He cannot reject the intimate parts of me that I have given to him- love, affection, sex... and expect to keep the parts he's still interested in- chatting, hanging out, friends. I am a WHOLE person, not a half, and once you cross the line of intimacy, I think it becomes all or nothing, and you can't go back.

His schedule remains crazy and I asked him to let me know when he would have time for a brief conversation. He replied instantly and said later tonight. So..... tonight I must do the unthinkable. I must tell the man I love that I want nothing more to do with him. That I will be unfriending on FB, and that I want no contact with him until further notice. When and IF I feel ready to have a friendship with him, I will let him know. And that "when" may be months, years, or never from now.

This is so hard. It's reminiscent of my divorce... that feeling of being discarded on the search for something/someone "better." It breaks my heart. I know this is a long post. I'm sorry about that. Any words of advice or support for what I have to do tonight would be so much appreciated. Please reassure me that I am doing the right thing.

Holding his hand as 'his friend' while he "wants "more" there is some "undefinable connection" that is missing, that he feels he must go find"...may be nice for him but it sounds difficult for you. You can stay friends with certain exes under certain circumstances...but this is not one of them. Try not to relive your divorce through this. This is all on him and whatever midlife crisis or whatnot this reprsents.

So..... tonight I must do the unthinkable. I must tell the man I love that I want nothing more to do with him. That I will be unfriending on FB, and that I want no contact with him until further notice. When and IF I feel ready to have a friendship with him, I will let him know. And that "when" may be months, years, or never from now.

Spot on. If you can start and maintain no contact (NC) from now, you'll be saving yourself a hell of a lot of pain and hardship. It'll hurt tremendously for a few days at least, but you will gradually start thinking about him less, loving him less, and you'll eventually get past the pain.

I strongly suggest you do not allow him to dissuade you, and know that you don't owe him any more detailed an explanation than the (vague) one he gave for breaking up with you. You know this is what you need to do, make sure you contact friends, family, or just enotalone-users for support, and do what you must.

Don't feel guilty, and don't be afraid. I do think that this is the right thing to do.

Thank you, wiseman. I'm trying to remember this has to do with him, not with me. And I do think he's going to run into the same wall in any future relationships. Changing the person that you're with doesn't change the person you are, and he is more broken than I realized. I agree that what he's looking for is hand holding and a stop-gap for loneliness right now. Once his schedule settles down he'll have time to date, and then he'll be preoccupied with that and probably forget all about me anyway. Why put myself through that??

It sounds so easy and clear typing it out here. But when I think about what I must say to him tonight, I feel physically sick.

Hi Gypsybird 87,

I am a newbie too, I don't have much I could say that would make you feel any better. I can say with time things will get better. It is tough being a divorced woman, and then to find comfort and a connection with this man only to have him seek something elsewhere I know is devastating. What I suggest is reading on this board for coping mechanisms, reach out to family and friends for support, and find new hobbies to occupy your free time. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good. You need to get your mojo back, when you start to feel better it will manifest to others, and I can tell you nothing is more liberating and attractive then a confident woman who has found herself.

If the two of you were meant to be he will be back, then you will get to decide whether or not you want to continue with the relationship. Everything I have said in my post I am working on myself because I know it is the path I must take to get to a place of peace.

Thank you, lamiales. Oh god... I hadn't considered him potentially trying to change my mind. Thanks for that heads up. I think it's unlikely, but if he goes that route I'll just tell him that he did what he needed to do for himself, and I am respecting that decision. This is what I need to do for myself, and he needs to respect it as well. Knowing him I think it's more likely he will play the poor me card. In our texting he has stated how difficult this was for him, how painful etc... I replied I'm aware of that, but also pretty sure it's much worse on this side of it. I have been the dumper, and I know it is tough, but he seriously needs to shop for sympathy elsewhere.

I am making of list of things to say and to NOT say during this conversation tonight. Under NOT say: I will not apologize for anything. Period. He chose this. Not me.

I wish there were a nausea smilie

how difficult this was for him, how painful etc.

Hi realistic,

Thanks so much for your kind words. They always say the first breakup after a divorce is tough. I am finding that to be true. I know time is my best friend right now. I know NC is my second best friend. Hopefully I'll be there after tonight. I am definitely getting back into hobbies, seeing friends more, and generally trying to stay busy. I spent a lot of time with him so his absence has left a big hole in my life. Weekends are especially hard. Hugs to you in what you are going through as well. You sound like a strong woman who will survive and thrive!

Gypsybird87,

Awe thanks! I am trying to practice what I preach. I am divorced too, its been 3 years but I am still inlove with my ex. He still has feelings for me too, he begged for me to take him back for 3 years but I was so hurt I just couldn't at the time. He cheated I went to counseling and we remained friends due to the kids. I finally was ready to forgive and move past it, and now he is dating. I know it is best for me to leave him be and let him find out what he wants. In the meantime I am in school, taking care of kids, working, and I go out with friends when I can. I joined this forum to be amongst people who are or going thru something similar and make some friends. I have really started taking care of myself, and I look great! I am trying to get my head to match how I look. I am stirring away from asking questions, I don't call him, and I am trying to show a confident sexy woman.I got so much going for myself, I am the prize and if he doesn't see it someone else will.

Weekends are tough I agree, nights are tough but what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger! I would definitely do NC but it will not be easy by any means. I tried implementing NC, and every time 3 days hit he pops up at the house and be all sweet. I have to get to a place where I can block his attempts to distract me. I hope we stay in contact it is so refreshing to read your post. Something positive will come out of all of this, and you sound like a very strong determined woman yourself. Post here when you get the urge to contact him. He must come to you!!!

Realistic

I think your decision is the right one.

Whatever you do, do NOT allow him to convince you to sleep with him "one last time". That would be a huge mistake.

I bet you have enough self respect not to do something like that, but sometimes emotion overrules logic.

Boltnrun,

Thank you. Yeah, no chance of that. I have not seen him since the break up, and we will not be face to face tonight. I don't think he would try to take things in that direction, but if he did I would shut it down immediately. That would also slam the door on any possible friendship, even in the future. I have no interest in being his FB until he finds a new girl to sleep with. Sex with him was amazing, but in this case, it's not worth the cost of admission. My self respect is worth more.

ps- I really like your signature line.

What do I say to him tonight????? I've been working on this list of Say/Don't say. Here's what it looks like so far:

SAY:

DON'T SAY:

"I'm sorry." I owe him no apologies, for anything. This was his choice, not mine.

"I love you, I have strong feelings for you, I care about you" etc. He does not deserve any more ego kibbles from me.

"I wish..., can't we..?, maybe someday...." etc. No groveling, begging, pleading. That is undignified and he is not worth me degrading myself.

"Please..." anything. The ball is my court right now. This is the time to state what I want/need. Not ask for it. I am not a victim!!

"This is a mistake, I think you'll regret this" etc. He is a grown man and this is his decision. I need to respect it the same way I respected his decisions made within the relationship. However, he must respect mine as well.

"Good luck." This is a lie. I don't wish him luck. I don't wish him anything, except to come to his f'ing senses, which is exactly why we can't be friends right now.

"This is unfair, you're being selfish" etc. While true, there is no point to verbalizing this. He does not see it this way, and saying so will put him on the defensive. It serves no purpose.

******

As you can see I've figured out what I don't want to say, and why.... but I'm at a loss what I *should* say. Because what I'm asking for, NC, is the last thing I want. I need it, in order to heal, but it's not what I want. What I want is for us to get back together. When I'm stating I need him to not contact me, should I say "Unless you want to discuss getting back together." ??? I want him to know the door is open in that case, but I'm afraid his reply will be "that won't happen".... and ohhhhh that would hurt. My god this sucks.

Being sincere and honest is best. For example: Tell him you agree that "this relationship has gone as far as it can" and that you feel you can't be friends, it doesn't work for you. Then thank him for being honest with you and say well I have to go now, good night.

Keep it as short, simple, honest and dignified as possible not for him, not for effect...for you. You will thank yourself in the future.

Don't tell him "the door is open".

He may interpret that as you saying it's OK for him to contact you "to say hi". Or, that it's OK for him to contact you for a "Netflix and chill" (i.e., sex). And, it will lead him to believe that you are going to go home, sit there, and wait for him to contact you. And the vision of you sitting there pining and waiting is NOT attractive to any man. It might boost his ego, but it will erode any respect he has for you.

No and no.

I would just say something like "I still have feelings for you. Since I do, and you no longer feel the same, it's best FOR ME for us to not have any contact from today forward."

Then I'd say my goodbyes and hang up. Plain and simple.

If at some time in the future he realizes you are the one for him, he will find a way to get in touch. Trust me, he will.

I agree with Wiseman2, keep it short and simple. Be nice but direct. It's not about his feelings or what he wants, you are the dumpee so you have to look out for yourself and your ex should understand that you are going thru a difficult time now, it should be expected that you would be reluctant to continue in a platonic friendship. Good Luck!

 

I would just say something like "I still have feelings for you. Since I do, and you no longer feel the same, it's best FOR ME for us to not have any contact from today forward."

 

.

I like that. I will use that. My thought was to add something on the end like, "If you change your mind about us, let me know. But otherwise, this is goodbye." I would not ever leave the door open to FWB and I don't want to receive platonic "how's it going?" texts from him like he has been doing. Those are killing me and it must stop. But it's true that I don't want to give any impression that I'll be hanging around and waiting. That is not my plan. I know him well and I think the chances of him reversing this decision are 100/1. But if he does change his mind... I'll like to know about it. That is me now talking. In a few months after I'm more healed I may want nothing to do with him, on any level. I won't know 'til I get there.

You seem smart and level headed. And you seem to have respect for yourself.

All good things.

You're going to be fine.

You seem to be well aware of what is best for you in moving on from this relationship and ready to put that plan into action. So many people on this forum can't seem to wrap their heads around that. I am so proud of you. Head up....move on. Love to you.

This is what I have planned to say:

Our relationship was definitely more than just sex, and a big part of that was friendship. However, you cannot reject the intimate parts of me that I have given to you- love, affection, sex... and expect to keep only the parts you're still interested in- chatting, hanging out, friends. I am a whole person, not a half, and once you cross the line of intimacy, I think it becomes all or nothing, and you can't go back.

I still have feelings for you, and since you no longer feel the same, it's best for me for us not to have any contact from today forward. I am not going to block but for now I need to unfriend you on FB, Pinterest etc. I miss you very much, but this was a choice you made, and now we both have to live with it. You did what you needed to do for yourself, and this is what I need to do for myself. If at some point in the future I feel ready to be friends, I will let you know.

I don't think he'll put up much of a fight other than to say how sorry he is to hear that, how much he'll miss me, blah blah. I will respond based on what he says but he will not get any "I'm sorrys" from me. HE did this. Now he can live with it. Just as I must. I think after I state the above the conversation will be over fairly quickly. I'm still tempted to include something about he can contact me for one reason and that is discuss reconciliation. But that feels needy and like I'll be waiting around and hoping. I AM hoping. Of course I am. But he doesn't need to know that. So I will trust boltnrun and others who've said if he does change his mind, he will find a way to let me know that.

Any thoughts on what I plan to say? I know it's longer than you guys suggested, but it feels right to me. This relationship has always had a solid foundation of communication. Lots of talking about all topics, including our relationship. I just don't think it can end with one sentence.

Cat,

Your post made me cry. Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I'm trying to be strong and stay focused, but there is a part of me that just aches. This breakup feels so pointless to me, and that makes it hard to come to terms with. I get ending a bad relationship, but this was a good one. One of the best I've been in, and one of the best he's been in. How does someone say that to you, while breaking up with you? It's so confusing. But it is what is. Onward.

I think it's fine, except I'd leave out the part where you tell him you're not blocking him. That's "I'm leaving the door open", just stated in a different way. It still implies you'll be sitting home waiting for him.

Duly noted. I will edit that out. I still don't intend to block, at least not right now... but I suppose there's no reason to state that. I'm unfriending. Period. 'Nuff said. If he decides to block me, well that's his option.

Cat,

 

Your post made me cry. Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I'm trying to be strong and stay focused, but there is a part of me that just aches. This breakup feels so pointless to me, and that makes it hard to come to terms with. I get ending a bad relationship, but this was a good one. One of the best I've been in, and one of the best he's been in. How does someone say that to you, while breaking up with you? It's so confusing. But it is what is. Onward.

I'm sorry I made you cry but those words were my initial thoughts to your post and responses to others. I am proud of how strong you are. Whatever it is you need to do tonight, just do it. After that....let it go and be good to yourself. Around every corner you come to remember how strong you are and no matter how much it hurts right now.....there are better things down the road that you travel. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Cat,

It's okay. They were good tears. Thanks for recognizing my attempts to be strong and do what's best for me. I waited quite awhile after my divorce to start dating. I wanted to be sure I was healed and ready. I learned a lot about myself during that time, and I think that is serving me well now. But I also thought I had chosen a healthy partner this time. Apparently I was wrong about that. He's a good man, but far more emotionally unavailable than I ever realized. That's why I think he will continue to have failed relationships that he downgrades to "friends" as soon as the intimacy gets too high. But... that's his issue. It is no longer mine.

that's good gypsybird, I liked what you wrote! I think it addresses what you are feeling and what you need perfectly! It's great the you recognize that your ex's feelings is not a reflection of you but a reflection of his own commitment issues that he has to deal with. You are headed in a great direction, stay strong!