First threesome gone bad.

Hello,

I write this with a heavy heart today. I am currently in a long distance relationship with a very handsome man. We live four hours away. He is successful and is family oriented. We met online, and started talking and texting everyday. I liked how he was the one to suggest facetime and for us to meet. He was respectful and open and honest and that is ultimatey what won me. I'm in my mid 30's he's 40. He mentioned in the beginning he's looking for someone to settle down with and have a family, so am I. I just moved to the US from Canada, a year ago.

On our first face to face meeting, he ended up telling me he is bisexual, but only sexually attracted to men, not romantically. I too am bisexual and am totally accepting of this, infact, I think we could have fun with it. Our sexual interactions have been fun, very kinky and enjoyable. The time we spend together is nice, but sometimes he's a bit hard on me. Last time I went to see him, he was a bit in his head and not as affectionate. I understand he was stressed about his job but it was hard on me. He likes a good debate, and i am the total opposite.

a month went by and we haven't seen each other because he was gone for work. He came to see me this past weekend, and it seemed like we were having a lot of small talk rather than really great conversations. I also noticed the past couple times we hung out his eye contact while talking to has become less frequent. He kind of stopped complimenting me as often as he use to and these things started to bother me. I chose to ignore it.

we have been considering swinging and opening up our relationship to a third party sexually. When he was here last saturday night I invited a girlfriend, let's call her Keri to join us. We drank a bit too much and went to a hotel with a lounge in it. He rented a room earlier. We were having fun with my friend but it seemed to be more about her and him than us and her. This started to bother me. At one point in the night I came back from the bathroom and he was holding her hand, and looking her in the eyes and engaged in a conversation. This hurt me. I stepped away to go outside.

She came out to get me, then he came. I was telling her that I was drunk and uncomfortable with the situation. Then he came over and asked if we were talking about him, I said yes. I asked to speak to him. I told him how I felt, he said I was being jealous and insecure. This hurt. He got mad at me and stormed off, up to the room. I was locked out and all of my things were in there. He sent me a text that said "I'm done". I had no idea what that meant, done as in done for the night or with this relationship? Keri and I went up to the room after she tried to console me. We knock on the door and he answers. We end up doing a bit of coke, i was really drunk and needed to sober up a bit. suddenly Keri took out her boob and I don't even know how but we ended up in a threesome even though I was uncomfortable and didn't want to. My own fault for that one, I should've stopped it then and there.

She left in the middle of it, I think she knew I was not into it. When she left, he and I got in a huge fight. I don't really remember how it strted but I think I told him I didn't want to do that. He got mad was yelling a lot at me, I was crying and felt really ty. He said I was insecure and jealous, but it wasn't that at all, I didn't want to do it, and I should be first. My feelings should be the most importnt to him, and I realized it wasn't about us and her it was about him, all aboout him. I tried to pack my things up in the dark as he said he was going to bed. I was crying, I said I don't know what to do. All he said was for me to get into bed. I did cause I hate fighting, he didn't say sorry or anything, but we cuddled and went to bed.

In the morning I wake up to him kissing me. The shower was running and he basically woke me up before getting into the shower to have sex. We went to breakfast, during breakfst I appologised for being drunk but not for how I felt. I shouldn't have had to appologise. He should have. All he said was, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and "it could be worse and proceeded to tell me about his best girlfriend that is pregnant with a guys baby she just started dating a month ago. the family was pushing her to abort, but she's keeping it and he said he told her he would help her raise the kid.

This was all too much for me. Like why is he telling me this now? That doesn't make me feel good at all.

When he got back on the road, he called and we had a talk. I told him the way he treated me was not okay, that he should've handled it a lot differently. If I am uncomfortable that should be the end of it. He said it was a bad time to pick a fight when he was drunk and on drugs, but I didn't even want to fight, I didn't raise my voice and he should have been sympathetic and compassionate to my feelings. I mentioned to him that he didn't even say sorry. Reception was bad so we hung up. He called back and said sorry for yelling at me, but there was so much more he should be apologizing for. I sit here heart broken and I don't know what to do. I think I should break up with him, but I'd like to see if it can work, but I'm pretty heart broken and feel disrespected.

Long distance relationships are hard, and we spoke about this. I said what it all comes down to is we have to make sure we have a goal in mind and are on the same page here. I told him I wanted a family one day, and I don;t want to waste my time or anyone else's. He said he has some thinking to do about what i said on the phone about saturday night and about what my relationship goals are.

I don't know how to approach the rest of this, or what to do. Crazy how someone can seem like prince charming one day and the next be a selfish meanie.

-Heartbroken.

Among the many problems here, you two are sexually incompatible. If you get at all jealous with a partner who is about to have sex with you and someone else, then you really shouldn't even consider threesomes. And he's clearly a threesome guy.

I have had threesomes and foursomes in past relationships. I am 100% down, with this concept, in fact I welcome it. However I was drunk and didn't like how he didn't put me first. It bothered me and when I told him what I didn't like he freaked out and had a temper tantrum.

Seems like the big takeaway here is that you not really open to sharing in real life. Or perhaps you might be, but only well down the road in a very safe, secure, established relationship with very clear mutually agreed on rules and understanding on how it would go, which is not happening here. So that's something to digest for yourself.

Overall, you barely know this guy and what you learned and saw just now is that he is self-centered, doesn't care about you at all other than using you for sex, and will scream at you when he doesn't get his way. Not really partner or family man material despite whatever bs about that he has told you. His words and actions do not match. When words and actions don't match, ALWAYS pay attention to the actions.

Throw him back and keep fishing. If you want a caring, loving relationship and a family life, this guy is not it and that much is pretty plain to see.

I have had threesomes and foursomes in past relationships. I am 100% down, with this concept, in fact I welcome it. However I was drunk and didn't like how he didn't put me first. It bothered me and when I told him what I didn't like he freaked out and had a temper tantrum.

You felt uncomfortable because deep down in your gut you already know the answer - he is not that into you and someone else was more interesting to him at that moment. Please just dump him and move on. Don't keep wasting your time on him. Spare yourself some dignity as well as ongoing pain as he will continue to be himself and sh$t on you whenever he feels like it. You pretty much taught him already that he can. He can act out, yell at you, lock you out of the room, tell you to go stuff yourself, patronize you and you'll still cuddle and sleep with him in the morning and apologize for yourself and whatever half arsed apology that he doesn't even mean, you'll accept. Not really a foundation for a healthy relationship.

He likes to fight. You roll over. He will trample you. That's all.

It sounds like there was way too much in this mix. Him, her, you, coke, booze, tempers, etc....He sounds like volatile jerk either because of drugs or personality. Find another main guy and move on. This could have gone a lot worse like getting hurt or arrested or thrown out etc.

Threesomes are tricky enough as it is, but trying to have them with someone you met online, who is long distance and who you don't know all that well, nor do you trust 100% (with good reason) is just a recipe for disaster. Add the alcohol and drugs in the mix, and there you have it.

Threesomes are best if either you have them with people you are not emotionally involved with, or if you have them as part of a couple, but you and your partner are solid, preferably live together, know each other very well and trust each other 100%. And even then, they can go wrong.

I am very doubtful that this guy is a family man, looking to settle down and get married. Call it a gut feeling. I also doubt you are the only woman he's seeing. In your whole post I was unable to find anything to make me believe he has feelings for you, or at least respect and understanding. On the contrary, I feel that he is using you for sex and to satisfy his kinky side, and I also think you are selling yourself way too short here. I understand that you are very open sexually and that's fine, but it also prevents you from seeing what's right in front of your eyes.

I think you need to cut this guy off, and in the future try to put your kinky side on hold for a while, until you first establish a solid relationship with someone. It's more important to first secure a good, healthy relationship, and if that goes well, then you are free to explore your sexuality as much as you want.

I sit here heart broken and I don't know what to do.

If you're so keen on settling down and starting a family then you should be striving to find someone who shows you he values you and doesn't treat you like you don't matter much.

To be honest, I don't think you're ready to be in a relationship that is actually committed. If you were, then you wouldn't be starting things up with people that are too far away to nurture anything serious. You would limit who could contact you to a reasonable distance and you'd save yourself from finding interest in men that are too far away to actually nurture anything emotionally with you.

You will feel much better once you stop letting this man make you feel like crap and if that takes zero contact with him then so be it.

BTW: Please do NOT even think about having children while you are still doing drugs and drinking like you do. You have to be clean and sober when you are pregnant and you have to continue on in that mode to be able to raise them to be good citizens of the world.

I would say the honeymoon period is over and he now is letting you get to know who he really is and how he treats people once he thinks he has them. I would also say it sounds like he maybe is one of those into the next new thing and not really a relationship kind of guy.

Sorry, but what you fail to recognize is everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, not so much once the newness wears off IF that niceness is a bit of an act or someone really can't sustain intense attention to another beyond a certain period of if someone is easily bored or a bit of a "new attraction/new love" addict, which some people are. Either someone stays nice, their actions stay the same or grow and at that point everything gets deeper and better OR the cracks start showing and things fall apart, which is what is happening now.

And he may well be distant, because that child is really his and not that of a friend. Does it really match up that a guy into threesomes and drugs would just up and become a family member for some woman who was just a friend? What you describe isn't the family sort and I find it a bit hard to believe there'd be this "I party and do drugs and booze" on one hand and "I'm going to help raise a child that isn't my own by someone who is just a friend" on the other.

Adding to all of this is the distance and so you really only have what he's telling you, you can't "see" what is or isn't the truth.

I think your expectations are unreal that this would be a loving sane healthy relationship that lasts based off all of the things and incidents you listed. Too much just doesn't add up and this much trouble in the beginning does not bode well for the future at all.

He does not love you. He is not your friend. He is using you. And that what hurts, I 'd think.

Having conversation with the man about how he should treat you is pointless and detrimenral. They treat you according to who they are. You can not negotiate people to love you, to respect you. You can force them to apologize but it would not be genuine. Genuine apology is offered without a demand. You had to leave the moment you became uncomfortable and never consider to go back. It is up to him how he reacts. Either he runs after you or he stays with the other woman. In this case I am sure he would prefer to stay with the other woman.

He sounds narcissistic and you was giving him narcissistic supple in a shape of your friend. He probably somewhat values you as a potential source of narcissistic supply. But he definitely managed down your expectation by this night and by telling about his pregnant friend.

Moreover something tells me he could not care less about the third girl and about his pregnant friend. I think what he really enjoyed is degrading you. Therefore his phrase - what does not kill us, makes us stronger. I think you have no clue who this prince charming really is.

My advice is to RUN. And run fast

You mentioned that he has a female friend that is pregnant and he plans to help her with the baby... That whole concept doesn't sit well with me. Why would he decide to step to the plate if it isn't his and he isn't involved with her? Also you said he has been distant. I think you need to evaluate that as well. To be honest I don't think you two are meant for each other. The fact that you fought over a threesum that shouldn't have happened in the first place and the fact that he didn't care enough about your feelings is enough of a deal breaker for me.

a month went by and we haven't seen each other because he was gone for work. He came to see me this past weekend, and it seemed like we were having a lot of small talk rather than really great conversations. I also noticed the past couple times we hung out his eye contact while talking to has become less frequent. He kind of stopped complimenting me as often as he use to and these things started to bother me. I chose to ignore it.

This is how my ex and I started. We had great phone conversations when we were not together, but when together for the first few times, the conversation connection was limited. I honestly think you tried to put a square peg in a round hole - you looked at his handsomeness and the bisexuality that appealed to your sense of kink and you ignored any lack connection. The first time you met in person - this should have been apparent to you how you just weren't connecting. There are people I am not in relationships with and never want to be (and they might not either - could be just someone I run into) - but I am able to "connect" with them somehow on a conversational level - and you guys couldn't even do that.

WHen I met my ex I admit I forced it a little or went along with it thinking that we initially hit it off so what's wrong with me.

This man had no concern for your feelings at all. Also, are you sure you both agreed that you were in a relationship, because he sure did treat you like you were just a piece of kink - and then he met your friend and things were anything goes.

I would honestly not continue with this guy. Find a guy who you at least have mutual respect with. I also would try to patch things over with my friend.

I honestly think the "story" about the friend and the pregnancy was really a story where HE was the guy and he was just throwing it out there about " a friend" that is really him to test the waters. Honestly, if he was away "a month" on business, either he is a high level person who went to set up a training in another country or you are not the only woman.

He is successful and is family oriented.

 

I'm in my mid 30's he's 40. He mentioned in the beginning he's looking for someone to settle down with and have a family, so am I.

??!!!????? In what planet do family oriented people act this way???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are NOT family oriented and neither is he. At mid 30's you should know better. Please, do not have kids for as long as you do not have your act together. Right now you DON'T. Please do not ever bring a child into all this mess.

P.S. Lots of people are successful in their work but are totally unfit to have a family or be in a relationship. Success does not equal credibility.

It is true that success does not equal being family-oriented or having capacity to sustain a healthy relationship. He can be as handsome as heck, sexy, and successful, but what struck me is his lack of regard for your feelings and a rather patronising attitude. At the same time while sort of keeping you on a rope in case he wants sex or whatever - on his terms. What about your terms?

I cannot judge the kinky stuff and threesomes, people should do what they want; just think very carefully about how to combine it with a family life if that's what you want in the future. It's a huge responsibility. Especially if there is alcohol and drugs involved. Like some people here said, perhaps it's not a no-no, but then should only be done with people you know well and trust 100%. Or with total strangers in an atmosphere of complete detachment - though that in itself can be risky with, you know, safety and health concerns. Please be careful, you only have one of you.

In general, and from what I've learnt, if you are looking for someone who would really love you and care about you, it is worth spending more time with them to get to know them. When people rush intimacy (even "regular" 1 on 1 stuff) it can be misguided, and you might fall for someone too soon before realising what kind of a person he is. By the time you start seeing red flags and feeling uncomfortable, your brain and heart are already in the fog of hormones and attachment, and then it's all a confusion and you think that you don't know what to do.

I don't think that most reasonable people here would advise you to stay with this guy. And, as someone above said, he does sound narcissistic. I am careful to not go around and label people with whatever disorders just because they exhibit some traits; but you know, at times even a few traits are a red flag, and if you are not valued or considered as a human being, and he is not interested to understand how you feel, then leave. You can also read narcissistsupport.com in case if he might be one of those. If he is, then he is not Capable of caring, and then it's useless to even reason with him or explain how you should be treated. Anyway, whether he has NPD or is just a regular insensitive person, I'd say it doesn't matter as much as the fact that you should leave.

I have had threesomes and foursomes in past relationships. I am 100% down, with this concept, in fact I welcome it. However I was drunk and didn't like how he didn't put me first. It bothered me and when I told him what I didn't like he freaked out and had a temper tantrum.

My impression is that you're upset because you don't feel secure in your relationship with him, whereas you had been in past situations (whether they were FWB or dating relationships). I don't blame you for feeling insecure with him because he didn't seem to occupied with your feelings, mostly it sounds like it was about him. I think breaking it off might be the right thing to do because he's obviously not making you feel safe and secure.

The thing about him raising another man's child (not his own) is also kind of weird.