A lot harder than i thought :(

Hello, this is my first post.

We broke up a week ago. We were LDR. We were together for 7 months. We both held back due to the distance and it was the distance that broke us up in the end. Well, that too. He acted distant the last month, i was sure he was loosing interest, so i asked him how did he feel about us and the break up occurred. He was in an LDR before and it didn't end well and he didn't want to go through it again. Also, he said he doesn't know if his feelings aren't that strong because he was holding back due to his history.

Everything we talked about made since. He also said that it's not late to rekindle, he just doesn't think this is the time to do so. He is also correct on that.

Why does it f***** hurt this bad?

I asked for No contact cause i couldn't handle the messages, told him i will text him once i feel better. He is a nice guy. He has so many traits i am looking for in a man except one, he probably doesn't like me enough.

It hurts. I really thought it would be easier, but i can't manage to NOT sleep all day and cry. Fortunately i work from home, so working , although hard, is possible. It's like i don't want to feel better, i just want him back. I want to eliminate the distance and give it a try. Even if he told me that now though, i do know it is not the right time. We both have stuff to do. I am just hurting real bad.

I am not counting on it, nor will i plan my life around it, but has anyone got back together when the problem was the distance? I know it may not be the only problem here, but he did seem honest when he said it and we are not children. Both 35+.

I just think i will have to ride it out. It's hard!!

Sharing does make me feel better. Thank you!

The best thing you can do is give yourself time.

I had a LDR and it made things a lot easier for me once we were over.

Not everyone can cope with distance in a relationship, maybe he's one of those people.

If he decided hed rather break up than actually work on your relationship ... that's pretty clear where he stands.

Giving you hope that things might end up working out in time is totaly bullshiz in my opinion.

Right now, you are single, act as so. Think of you, work on yourself, develop your self love, do things for you only.

You work from home, find ways and reasons to go out, learn to have fun without him.

One day at a time once you start working on actually moving on.

You are in the denial phase, where you just want to cry until he comes back....you'll be driving yourself sick doing so.

He's out there being single & thinking of himself ... why aren't you doing the same?

Do you really want someone who would rather leave you than actually working things out?

Now it's you time, use it & focus on yourself.

I promise you, time fixes everything, give yourself a chance now.

Thank you for your reply!

Yeah, he was pretty clear. I know hoping to get back together is BS, it just seems to work enough to get me out of bed, it's weird, cause it's not that i am expecting it, or i think of it and i am instantly happy. Oh, this may explain it better: If it's meant to be, it will be. What will be, will be. This calms me down. I know what i have to do and you are right about forcing myself to go out, it's just so hard! I just got back from a walk where all i wanted to do was cry. I did not expect it to be this hard, as you said it is easier LD, but wow...SOO HAARD!!

Thank you for your support, it hurts to hear the truth sometimes, but necessary.

Go out have fun he will notice post pictures on facebook if you have it

Good idea to go no contact. Also block social media and don't creep his fb or anything. Focus on moving on not being strung along with kind parting words. It may be best to just make a clean break so you can move on since distance is a valid reason to end it.

Thanks for the advise and support!

I am doing a great job on not stalking him. I have to say though that every time i log on to skype i can't resist checking, but last couple of days i just didn't log on skype at all and i am planning to keep it that way.

I woke up a bit better today. I thought about how i have really made a good call on breaking up with him. He was the one falling out of love, but i was the one to break it. I think he was just trying to pull away slowly, so if i never asked i don't think he was planning on telling me. It was weird though, he was still initiating contact.Oh well. Can't blame him completely, we never defined the relationship, but still...Either way, i couldn't handle it anymore, i stood up for me and my feelings and ripped off the band-aid. That feels empowering.

Distance is a valid reason to end it, true. The thing that is bugging me the most is that i am sure we both held back due to the distance. This is why i believe him when he says he "would like us to remain friends", or "it's not too late to rekindle, just not now". I know those are classics, and again, i am not planning my life on what he said, on the contrary, i want to be single now. I owe it to myself. I just honestly think we had/have something. Maybe it was just this, maybe it's not over yet. The motto "if it's meant to be, it will" is so soothing. It really helps me get out of bed.

It seems like a month ago since i created this thread and its only been 2 days...

Today i woke up a lot better. Usually the mornings are the worse. Every night i feel a whole lot better, ready to "fall in love" with my new single life full of freedom. Then i see something, i remember something and i go into a crying spell. I do not cry that often now, but i still have a lot of crying to do.

Although i know i shouldn't be doing this, today i am thinking negative about the whole thing. "Did he ever have feelings?" " What if he was playing me all along?", am i "just another girl?" , "Did i mean ANYTHING to him?"....

I snap out of it fairly quick, but i still have the thoughts. I try to tell myself that he did have feelings, it just feels like that now cause of his rejection. I tell myself that i wasn't blinded by love that much to not realize that he was faking it.

Another weird thing that is going on in my mind is that although i asked for no contact and he is respecting it, i am mad that he hasn't reached out. Ok, come to think of it , it isn't all that weird,but you know what i mean. I feel better with the idea of not wanting him back, yet i can't say that i totally don't want him to return. Although i do know that even if he does, this probably would not work out right now. So then i get mad for him asking to remain friends (he does mean it), cause i think he just wants to keep me to boost his ego or something, although i am sure he can find local women that can do that and not rely on me whose miles away to do so. On the other hand even if he does want me for that, i explained to him that after the no contact i would like to try to remain friends as long as we keep it clear. The first moment i feel confused, i would tell him so and leave. So i think i am pretty much covered right?

Im kinda venting here. It is helpful though. So thanks for whoever is reading! Feel free to comment if you are experiencing the same feelings or have any tips!

hey, how are things going? you have recently replied to my post,and I wanted to thank you for that. I clicked here and ... man... you have almost same story as I do!! are u okay after next two months? I'm trying to tell myself many times a day it was not meant to be,otherwise he would stay and work things out. so that I deserve better. but it's hard. on the other hand there are people around me divorced,breaking up.... how do I find a hope in that? I mean I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this things to happen to me...

Hi Cope, I am in the same boat as you. How are you coping up? It gets super hard..One day at a time..

Cope.. you were in love with the idea of him and not in love with him. You said he was what you were looking for. Well, in a long distance relationship that is very easy to be because you only allow the other person to see what you want them to see. So he showed you the side that you wanted to see. He just couldnt handle the acting anymore and it wasnt that he lost interest, he lost the will to continue to act like what you wanted.

What you are feeling is the fear of losing your ideal man even thos this LDR was just a fantasy. Now with him being gone you have a fear of never finding that again. I am going to tell you that you will find that ideal guy again and this time its going to be real.

hey, how are things going? you have recently replied to my post,and I wanted to thank you for that. I clicked here and ... man... you have almost same story as I do!! are u okay after next two months? I'm trying to tell myself many times a day it was not meant to be,otherwise he would stay and work things out. so that I deserve better. but it's hard. on the other hand there are people around me divorced,breaking up.... how do I find a hope in that? I mean I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this things to happen to me...

Thanks Tochjejo! We do have similar stories! I have good days and bad days. Mostly bad days, but i am sure the good will start piling up soon. It feels like months ago the last time we spoke, but it has been a week shy of a month...I tried saying the same to myself "if his feelings were stronger he would stay" , but i find that romanticizing as well. Life doesn't work that way. We are not teenagers to not care if we stay in a relationship for 2-3 years just because we "love" each other. I am leaning towards that the distance broke us down. The distance made him lose interest and it's random that he was the first to do so. Not saying that if it wasn't there we'd be a "happily ever after" couple, but we'd have a lot more chances to be one. We were a good match.

I too see people around me and break ups etc, that's why this time i want to stay single for quite a while. Although i am pretty independent, i have almost always been in relationships, so being single will be very interesting for me and will help me evolve into a better person. I always say, being in a relationship is a bonus. You need to live your life and if you find someone who wants to share it with you, good, if not, it's ok, cause you have a life to live.

Hi Cope, I am in the same boat as you. How are you coping up? It gets super hard..One day at a time..

Hi Pkittie!! Thanks for asking! I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same. LDs can be so hard. You would've expect the break ups to be easier, but nope. Hard as hell. Like you said, one day at a time. Exciting to live my single life, extremely sad of leaving him behind. So weird. How are you?

Cope.. you were in love with the idea of him and not in love with him. You said he was what you were looking for. Well, in a long distance relationship that is very easy to be because you only allow the other person to see what you want them to see. So he showed you the side that you wanted to see. He just couldnt handle the acting anymore and it wasnt that he lost interest, he lost the will to continue to act like what you wanted.

What you are feeling is the fear of losing your ideal man even thos this LDR was just a fantasy. Now with him being gone you have a fear of never finding that again. I am going to tell you that you will find that ideal guy again and this time its going to be real.

Hi No1! See that's the thing, I always advise my friends to be careful not to fall in love with the idea of people and always pay attention to their actions etc etc. When i was younger, i always fell for my idea of love, getting older i stopped doing that. So that's why i am taking this so hard. I love him, not something i made up in my head. I can agree with what you state later though. So let me rephrase, i love the person he showed me he was, not the idea of him i made in my head. Although i doubt he was faking.

In an LD it's true, it's easy to show your best you. He does seem like an honest person though. He has one of those faces where you can read easily. I always knew what he was feeling. I chose to ignore his face when i started to see him losing interest hoping i could stall a bit till we could meet again, cause everything is better when there is no distance.

I was actually looking forward to finding out what his bad side was, cause of course i knew i haven't seen it yet. I had hints but that's not enough. Even the hints i had though seemed like bad sides i could handle. All of us have bad sides, the secret is finding a person with one you can handle.

So in general that's why i am struggling. I fell in love with what i had in front of me. And if it wasn't clear, we have met, it wasn't one of those LDRs completely online. Also, i had no intention on keeping it LD, i knew i couldn't handle it. I just met a guy so nice that i was willing to give it a try and apparently, so did he with me.

edit to add: Yes, i am a bit afraid that it will be hard to find someone ideal, not because i don't think i deserve one, but at my age, it's getting harder. Most are already taken, or scared and hurt like this one. Judging by myself too. I am not losing hope, it's just that at this age with the break up pain comes the pain of realizing i may never be able to have a biological child of my own. Not that i was ever dreaming of one, but , ya know, having the option is nice. Thank you for the support!!

Cope.. you were in love with the idea of him and not in love with him.

Thank you for writing that. From what I'm reading here I have very very similar story as Cope. And you are not the first one to tell me this. Truth is we didn't know each other well. Calling (even when every day for 2hours minimum) is not being with that person. And everything seems great and beautiful when you're there by his side, because that is a time he has just for you. But it's not a normal life, when there is too many things to do during the week and people are tired and don't have time or are not in the mood. But I'm still hurting of missing my life I dreamed about with him. And I've found out that I started to be even angry that I could have a car and a house and nice life in there (cause he already has that), I make good money and I would work for sure, I don't want his money, I always struggled to be payed for, I hate it. But he lives in Germany and to work there would mean far more money for us both so I could travel etc. That dream just felt so nice and posh... yes posh...His place is still in my mind, sometimes dreaming about it and I'm really angry... feeling like it should be our place... as we talked about.. I'm really suprised because of that, I have never cared about material things... now it makes me angry that I lost it and I feel weird.. kind of ashamed of those feelings. So I spitted it out here. I didn't want to tell my friends or my family, cause I feel like it's not the nicest feeling to have... I don't know...