I was raped as a boy by my male cousin

Hello, I'm new to this and am struggling greatly. I am 17, Christian and have a beautiful girlfriend. I love my girlfriend very much and we keep nothing from each other and I mean a NOTHING...except for this. I haven't ever told anyone about my childhood abuse. Not my friends, nor my parents. My girlfriend and I have so much in common. We see eye to eye with everything and our core values are the same. We plan on attending the same college together next year. Most say we're too young but I hope to marry this girl. Where she comes from in her country almost everyone finds there true love around our age and marries several year later. Now I will tell you all about my sexual abuse as a child. When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade my neighbor who was female was in the 5/6th grade. She would come over sometimes and when we hung out in private I can remeber her exploiting me sexually. Which is one reason I was more sexual I think growing up. We never had vaginal sex as far as I remember but she would always touch me there and kiss me. Sometimes she would make me feel her. Years later my male cousin who is several years later than I am began to start taking advantage of me. Making me give him hand jobs, then blow jobs, and eventually anal sex. I was so scared and embarrassed I didn't want to tell anyone and still haven't. All this lead me to when I was in middle school act out sexually with my girlfriend. We too never had vaginal or oral sex but we touched eachother sexually. The worst part of it all was I knew it was very wrong and a huge sin in my religion. I just feel all these experiences will ruin my first time having sex with my partner after marriage. I want to tell her but I'm afraid I'll lose her for some reason. I know that after we marry I can tell her because both of us will never divorce because of our religion. However I feel this isn't the thing I should do. I'm scared and I'm lonely when it comes to this.what should I do with her? Should I tell her or wait? Another question is am I still a virgin since I haven't had vaginal sex?

First of all I'm so very sorry you went through what you did, heart breaking to read someone go through those struggles.

What became of your cousin? Do you still see him? I fear that he is out there harming others if he would be okay doing this to a child in his own family. You say you come from a religious family, my first gut reaction would be to tell your parents, though I have a friend who was brought up in a very religious family who was molested by her cousin as well at a young age and when she told her family they ignored the whole situation. But I don't think something like this should go unspoken about especially because he may be out there doing it to others.

You shouldn't have to keep this to yourself. Is it possible to speak to a counselor or someone like that? I know if my boyfriend came to me with information like this I would be nothing but supportive and loving, if your girlfriend loves you you should tell her, you sound like you really need emotional support, who wouldn't after something like this? As for your virginity, I wouldn't count that act because it isn't something voluntary. You were taken advantage of. I'm so very sorry you went through this, I wish I had better advice but I think you should reach out to someone, you need some emotional support

Thank you so much for replying. I've wanted to get this out of my system for so long. I still do see my cousin and I do love him. As far as I know I'm the only one he's taken advantage of. I would hate for anything to happen to him which is why I fear telling my family. He has made his decisions and they cannot be undone. I also fear that if I talk to my counselor they will take it further also. That's the main reason I've posted this online. I know I will need to tell her someday and I hope she understands. I guess if she doesn't she's just not the one. I know she would never tell anyone which is why I should tell her. I will just have to find the right time and a time where I feel I can actually talk person to person without crying uncontrollably. I've forgiven what the others have done to me.

All this lead me to when I was in middle school act out sexually with my girlfriend... I just feel all these experiences will ruin my first time having sex with my partner after marriage.

You need help. You need to talk to a school counselor. This needs to be investigated ASAP. Your cousin or the neighbor could easily go after another child and do the same thing as they did to you. They need to be put on trial for rape.

The worst part of it all was I knew it was very wrong and a huge sin in my religion.

Do not even go there. If you are Christian, then you believe that God forgives you.

What needs to be addressed right now is that you were sexually assaulted.

I want to tell her but I'm afraid I'll lose her for some reason. I know that after we marry I can tell her because both of us will never divorce because of our religion.

You should not feel you have to hide this. Also, holding secrets until AFTER a marriage is a huge red flag and can destroy trust between you and your spouse. Resentment will kill a marriage no matter where your religious beliefs lie.

People divorce for many reasons. Religion does not always save people from divorce. I've known many Catholics, Christians, Jewish etc. who have gotten divorces and were remarried. Marriage is a major responsibility that takes 110% commitment and effort from BOTH sides.

Another question is am I still a virgin since I haven't had vaginal sex?

It's still called sex if it's done anal or orally. So... I'm sorry, but you aren't.

My girlfriend and I have so much in common. We see eye to eye with everything and our core values are the same. We plan on attending the same college together next year. Most say we're too young but I hope to marry this girl. Where she comes from in her country almost everyone finds there true love around our age and marries several year later.

Ok...

1. My husband came from an Asian country where it was a cultural expectation for girls/guys to marry under the age of 25; otherwise there is a social stigma that being single after 25 means you are "too old" for marriage. We didn't marry until he was 31 and I was 29 (and we dated nearly for 10 years before tying the knot). Don't use her culture as an excuse that you must marry her young. That's ridiculous.

2. At 17 I was dating a Marine who was my HS sweetheart. We were together for 3 years. He joined the USMC right after 9/11 and was sent off to war on my Senior year. He proposed to me over the phone when I was 18 and he was in Iraq about to go into a suicide mission. We both were practicing Catholic and had very similar values.

Guess what? We didn't get married and our engagement ended. He came home as a completely different man than the boy I dated back in high school. War screwed up his mind, but I also changed as I had to become independent (in the long run, it was a good thing for me). Unfortunately people who are in their late teens/early-mid 20s typically change. They mature, and priorities shift along with it. It is very, very rare for high school sweethearts to end up as spouses because of it.

I really don't mean to burst your bubble here and say your relationship won't last. But don't entirely expect this relationship to result a marriage due to your current ages and upcoming priorities that will change you both (college WILL change you). Just continue to have fun with it.

Right now, your priority is to fix your personal issues through therapy before problems worsen. If you are fretting over how she will react to your past, then you both are not ready for marriage.

I've wanted to get this out of my system for so long. I still do see my cousin and I do love him. As far as I know I'm the only one he's taken advantage of. I would hate for anything to happen to him which is why I fear telling my family. He has made his decisions and they cannot be undone. I also fear that if I talk to my counselor they will take it further also.

You were taken advantage of. Sexual perpetrators are usually people who the victim knows because they can easily get away with it. Your cousin knows AND assumes that you won't say anything to your family because

1. You are a boy. Social stigma of being seen as "gay" (especially if you are conservative)

2. Family may not stick up for you or believe you if you told them about it.

If you are afraid to go to your family about this, you need to see a school counselor. Do be aware that guidance counselor is required by law to contact Child Protective Services if you were physically or sexually assaulted by a family member. They will conduct investigations with you, your family members, and your cousin (they will not arrest him, but this will be taken very seriously).

No, this will not be very easy for you to handle by yourself, but you do not have to go through this alone. Your guidance counselor or family are support systems you can always reach out to. It is very unfortunate that this has happened. But you do not want your cousin or that neighbor girl to do the same thing to another child in the near future. It is up to you to put an end to this. Do not be afraid- you were wronged by them and they need to pay for their actions.

Reading your post, filled me SOOO! Much sadness for you. Despite having been raped by your cousin you say you still love him..... that's would indicate, that you haven't really come to terms with what he did to you or that he indeed did anything wrong. Perhaps this is because you are in denial due to the trauma it caused.

I am a Christian, but I do not believe that another human being, who has committed a crime, should go unpunished, because our Lord forgives. How does a person learn a lesson, if after carrying out such a crime, feels like he is patted on the back and sent on his way.

Please for your own sake, get some professional councelling and if the councilor you are seeing, cannot keep what you are telling them in confidence, find another one who will. They have the experience to help you to understand what happened and to come to terms with it. These things are vital, in order for you to have a clean outlook on your life and move forward.

I understand that you love your girlfriend, but you need to work on making sure you are in a position, to commit to a relationship and at the moment from what you are saying, I am not sure you are at all ready.

I am also very concerned about your cousin and that despite you thinking he has only done this to you, he has committed a crime and you can't really know that he hasn't hurt another person and he has thus far, gotten away with it.

I understand about abuse and the pain it causes and my ex was also abused when a young boy, up until he was 16. He didn't get the help he needed and in turn when I met him, he was in a very bad place, sadly it turned into him abusing me. I am only telling you this, because that kind of pain, can manifest itself and come out later on.

Please don't be upset or hurt by what I am saying, just want you to be able to live a good life as YOU SOOO! Deserve.

Christina

I am a Christian, but I do not believe that another human being, who has committed a crime, should go unpunished, because our Lord forgives. How does a person learn a lesson, if after carrying out such a crime, feels like he is patted on the back and sent on his way.

I like this. But I also think there is a sense of community responsibility to report sex offenders. If they molested/raped a child and got away with it, then they will continue to do it again because there is no consequence. Just watch Chris Hansen's Dateline from NBC- those people are just absolutely disgusting and belong in jail.

It really sucks that it happened to the OP, but I wouldn't want another child to endure what happened to him either. I have zero sympathy in my heart for anyone who decides to commit acts of sex and violence against children, Catholic or not.

I am so very sorry for what happened to you.

I think finding a counsellor will help you greatly. I was sexually assaulted by a family member and I realize that brings another particular form of shame. Just know that a good counsellor can bring you out of what you feel. And if you are going to be life partners with someone I believe they should know at your own time of course but they should know something that monumentenal about the person that they're married to.

I am so very sorry for what happened to you.

 

I think finding a counsellor will help you greatly. I was sexually assaulted by a family member and I realize that brings another particular form of shame. Just know that a good counsellor can bring you out of what you feel. And if you are going to be life partners with someone I believe they should know at your own time of course but they should know something that monumentenal about the person that they're married to.

I couldn't agree more with victoria66. She knows a lot about this and councelling is the way forward.

No one should be left feeling shame and it breaks my heart, that abuse leads to the recipient of the abuse, feeling shame.

Please please get some help.

Hello James987,

I admire the great candor you have shared our story with. I'm very sorry for what you went through but I'm truly happy that you survived and you sound like a very strong young man who has managed to go on with his life despite these difficult events. I'm also very happy that you are experiencing love with a beautiful person you have in your life. Just like for anyone else, taking care of your loved ones and your relationship beings with taking care of your own self emotionally and in all other senses. Like the oxygen mask metaphor, and like everyone else, you need to look after yourself well to be able to contribute to our life with others positively.

From the survivor position, this means tackling any issues that you think may affect you and you future happiness with this beautiful person. We all have things we bring into our present from our past and if do not tackle them with compassion for ourselves, they may catch up with us - be it a difficult family we were raised in or non-consensual sexual experiences.

I fully understand your concern about not keeping anything a secret from your girlfriend and that is very mature behaviour. However, in extreme experiences as you mention, your comfort level is very important. The emotionally supportive or equipped environment in which she receives this information is also important because she is young and although she is obviously a well-intentioned person, she may not know how to react to this right at that moment. If you receive support be it from a counselor or a male survivors group you find on the Internet where you share experiences, many things may be easier. Until you feel more empowered in terms of sharing your experience, please do not think that you are particularly hiding something from someone you love. This is one of those things that you share only when you are comfortable, in your own time, and if you choose to never share that, it is again your choice. However, it's better if that's based on an empowered decision rather that avoidance as well. receiving support would help you make up your mind about how and when to act about these. No matter what you do, you deserve a good life and you will have it with this lady.

I was thinking about the sin aspect. You and I do not share a religion and our perspectives may sure differ. In the religions I'm familiar with in my life, a sin is committed out of will. However, as you say, abuse survivors act out. You have great insight about it and kudos to you. We may have jumbled boundaries and we may find ourselves in situations where we are either doing things against our value system just impulsively or in a frozen state, like going through "motions." Sometimes, we may also dissociate, like feel in a haze or like in a film feeling as if someone else is doing those things. These are common behaviours that result from our unwanted experiences and are not fully based on our will. I don't how whether these would be considered a sin in that sense. Even if so, I believe, like other here that God has mercy and will forgive you. You were a victim and your experiences are related with that. However, to be a survivor who leads a good life no matter what happened in the past, I think you may need to deal with the stressful aspect of these experiences so that yes, they do not affect your life in the future. You don't need the stress these events cause you in any sense. You need to approach your wedding experience with the person you love comfortably because you deserve it. Giving yourself the opportunity to approach these issues more confidently through support, you will be doing something very good and beneficial for yourself and your life with your future wife. And all those stresses can be resolved. hence the advice to receive support.

Technically, yes, you are a sexual abuse survivor and only you choose whether you consider yourself a virgin or not. this is because your previous experiences were not based on your consent or fully conscious will so they do not define you. You define you. In some circles, rape is not even considered an act of "sex"; it is seen as an act of "control." It is not a consensual act of intimacy, so some people see it as a very strong form of control where one person forces or manipulates another to do something. I know a lot of people who were raped vaginally or anally but considered themselves virgins because they didn't choose this to happen to them like other people did with their sexual experiences. They do not consider it as their first sexual experience at all, they consider it an experience of force or control that occurred through the sexual parts of the body. Other people may differ. I'm a woman but with your experience, ı'd surely consider myself a virgin.

These experiences may cause shame or guilt in us no matter how we evaluate them consciously. Shame says "I'm bad", guilt says "I did something" bad. As a survivor, you don't need either of these because you didn't choose these experiences. trying to "externalize" the situation, i.e. seeing it as a result of someone else's actions or some outer circumstances may help. You don't need to own them. You are the survivor.

I wish all the best to you.