So its been like 6 weeks since he left without a word

So if you remember my old thread i dated this guy for over 3 years and like 6 weeks ago (March 16th) he left our house and just left a letter. I've never heard anything from him since then.

The crying and weeping from my part has gone a little but I still cry even in our office, going to and home from work and if I'm with my friends I find myself missing him and just drinking alcohol and consuming cigarettes. I know I shouldn't be like this but I cant help it. I stalked his new facebook and still he doesnt have a picture but added friends already. I tried adding him and messaging him but to no avail, even went to his house but the people there told me that he isnt there eventhough I know and i have a strong feeling that he's there and he knows all about this.

I just feel so helpless, i tried hanging out with a close male friend of mine and i know something is there between us but i cant bring myself to like him so much I still and always find myself looking for my ex.

I feel so stupid begging and pleading with him to talk to me at least but all i got is complete silence he doesnt even approve my friend request or even read my messages. Im going crazy.. I wanna drive all alone and go to his place but i know i wont get what i want he will still hide.. Im sooo helpless right now guys i just wish my feelings will go vanish now and just live and go on with my life without thinking about him. I just dont understand how can he be so numb and evil about this.. How cant he just face me.. I feel like im running through a brick wall.. Every place i go it reminds me of him im so hurt right now i just want to be with him but its almost next to impossible he doesnt want to see or be with me anymore

From what I have read from this post and your last, strongly suggests a mental illness.

His family influences are likely because they have had to deal with him and his illness and perhaps they were right in thinking you weren't good for him.

Nothing personal about you but them noticing subtle changes in his behaviour probably led them to know or expect what happened between you. Their first priority is to protect him.

Was he ever engaged before?

From what I know he was, like twice. The thing is I was the longest relationship he had, and I know his relationship attitude thats why I wanted to protect him. But turns out he went back to his old lifestyle. People (my friends) told me that it doesnt really depend on what his family suggests, its all about him.

The thing is, I know him. There is really something thats making him avoid me. When we had fights before it wont last a day or two that he wont talk to me again. But this is the longest. I dont even know why I even care, its clear that we have broken up, despite of what he told in the letter. But I still DO care. Idk anymore man. I think Im going crazy.

These spineless cowards are something else, aren't they? I had one of these in my life, well, more than one but this one stuck out because he ended things after 2 years, the day after he proposed to me, by just not showing up for our date, so I know what you're going through and how it feels. I can tell you that this unbearable pain won't last much longer, I was lucky to become part of a very fun group of people about 2 months after the breakup and my life improved greatly, which helped me heal tremendously, but you will heal soon too, the first few weeks are the worst.

The main thing you need to do is to try and stop obsessing over him, and see things realistically. Why chase after a guy who not only didn't want you in his life, but he chose such a coward way to go about it? And then there's this: he clearly did what he did to avoid confrontation, and hoped you'd take his letter as closure. So it is only natural that he will avoid seeing you and talking to you at all costs, even worse, he obviously told those around them about you, probably calling you the "crazy ex", and warned them that you may be stalking him and trying to find out info about him. Do you really want everybody to think you are indeed the crazy, desperate ex? Please, don't play right into his game and don't give him the satisfaction of seeing that you are falling apart without him and can't live without him! He isn't worth it, he isn't worth any second of your time from now on.

He was preparing to leave you for who knows how long, it wasn't a decision he had made on the spot. He was telling people about it, he was making plans...all behind your back. So try to take him off the pedestal, because he's not the great guy you wanted him to be, and definitely he is not someone you can't live without. You can, and you need to show him that. No more useless drive-by, no more FB friend requests, no more stalking, halt all of these and turn your attention towards yourself, so you can heal and move on. Don't put yourself at risk of being slapped with a restraining order on top of everything else!

I assumed your answer would be that yes he was engaged before.

That confirms my suspicion of mental illness combined with his impulsiveness, gambling , over involvement of family, dismissive behaviour towards you etc

You might want to consider talking to a psychologist to help you deal with it.

This guy likely will come back to you at some point, but it will be for the wrong reasons and will again be temporary, so you need to prepare yourself now to realise that you can't protect him, help him or fix him. You need to build up your own self esteem too.

And if you are honest you will likely tell me that the relationship wasn't perfect.

Was he irritable at times for no apparent reason? Very affectionate, seemingly caring, giver of gifts, yet a short fuse but not always?

Any of this familiar?

These spineless cowards are something else, aren't they? I had one of these in my life, well, more than one but this one stuck out because he ended things after 2 years, the day after he proposed to me, by just not showing up for our date, so I know what you're going through and how it feels. I can tell you that this unbearable pain won't last much longer, I was lucky to become part of a very fun group of people about 2 months after the breakup and my life improved greatly, which helped me heal tremendously, but you will heal soon too, the first few weeks are the worst.

 

The main thing you need to do is to try and stop obsessing over him, and see things realistically. Why chase after a guy who not only didn't want you in his life, but he chose such a coward way to go about it? And then there's this: he clearly did what he did to avoid confrontation, and hoped you'd take his letter as closure. So it is only natural that he will avoid seeing you and talking to you at all costs, even worse, he obviously told those around them about you, probably calling you the "crazy ex", and warned them that you may be stalking him and trying to find out info about him. Do you really want everybody to think you are indeed the crazy, desperate ex? Please, don't play right into his game and don't give him the satisfaction of seeing that you are falling apart without him and can't live without him! He isn't worth it, he isn't worth any second of your time from now on.

 

He was preparing to leave you for who knows how long, it wasn't a decision he had made on the spot. He was telling people about it, he was making plans...all behind your back. So try to take him off the pedestal, because he's not the great guy you wanted him to be, and definitely he is not someone you can't live without. You can, and you need to show him that. No more useless drive-by, no more FB friend requests, no more stalking, halt all of these and turn your attention towards yourself, so you can heal and move on. Don't put yourself at risk of being slapped with a restraining order on top of everything else!

Sigh! Thats probably what everyone on his side is thinking about from the very start since we broke up.

I need to move out at least because we've been thinking of moving out and shift to an area near my work.. He even told me not to leave our house because "I'm safe here" and i will just leave when he comes back! One of his lies once again.. Sigh... I hope this wont last long its really not healthy for me I'm usually a happy person but right now whatever I do even if I'm with my closest friends I couldnt get myself together and have fun!

 

And if you are honest you will likely tell me that the relationship wasn't perfect.

Was he irritable at times for no apparent reason? Very affectionate, seemingly caring, giver of gifts, yet a short fuse but not always?

 

Any of this familiar?

Yes... He is.

He really was very affectionate.. And caring. And buy me gifts! But really was short tempered. And if I ask or tell him to not do this or that like gambling and going out with his pals, he would kinda ~sulk and not talk to me or be silent until I gave in.

Does this entail that he has mental illness? Or just his upbringing? I can tell his family is too judgemental especially his mom. They were nice to me at first, but when we started like ~living together their attitude towards us, especially me gradually became different.

I just thought he change for the better for good! And we were engaged, he even told his mom that we were getting married but of course she didnt take it nicely and gave negative opinions. Sigh I kinda even dislike his mom because of this.

These spineless cowards are something else, aren't they? I had one of these in my life, well, more than one but this one stuck out because he ended things after 2 years, the day after he proposed to me, by just not showing up for our date, so I know what you're going through and how it feels. I can tell you that this unbearable pain won't last much longer, I was lucky to become part of a very fun group of people about 2 months after the breakup and my life improved greatly, which helped me heal tremendously, but you will heal soon too, the first few weeks are the worst.

 

The main thing you need to do is to try and stop obsessing over him, and see things realistically. Why chase after a guy who not only didn't want you in his life, but he chose such a coward way to go about it? And then there's this: he clearly did what he did to avoid confrontation, and hoped you'd take his letter as closure. So it is only natural that he will avoid seeing you and talking to you at all costs, even worse, he obviously told those around them about you, probably calling you the "crazy ex", and warned them that you may be stalking him and trying to find out info about him. Do you really want everybody to think you are indeed the crazy, desperate ex? Please, don't play right into his game and don't give him the satisfaction of seeing that you are falling apart without him and can't live without him! He isn't worth it, he isn't worth any second of your time from now on.

 

He was preparing to leave you for who knows how long, it wasn't a decision he had made on the spot. He was telling people about it, he was making plans...all behind your back. So try to take him off the pedestal, because he's not the great guy you wanted him to be, and definitely he is not someone you can't live without. You can, and you need to show him that. No more useless drive-by, no more FB friend requests, no more stalking, halt all of these and turn your attention towards yourself, so you can heal and move on. Don't put yourself at risk of being slapped with a restraining order on top of everything else!

Greta,

Glad you got past your experience but to call the mentally ill spineless is hardly helpful. They are suffering more than you are. I am not suggesting you didn't feel hurt but the fact that you have been in relationships with more than one mentally ill person , to me suggests you need to wonder why you are attracting them?

Yes... He is.

 

He really was very affectionate.. And caring. And buy me gifts! But really was short tempered. And if I ask or tell him to not do this or that like gambling and going out with his pals, he would kinda ~sulk and not talk to me or be silent until I gave in.

 

Does this entail that he has mental illness? Or just his upbringing? I can tell his family is too judgemental especially his mom. They were nice to me at first, but when we started like ~living together their attitude towards us, especially me gradually became different.

 

I just thought he change for the better for good! And we were engaged, he even told his mom that we were getting married but of course she didnt take it nicely and gave negative opinions. Sigh I kinda even dislike his mom because of this.

I am certain mental illness is behind it.

But there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. I am amazed that no one picked up on it in your initial post.

I feel sorry for your ex but this isn't his post. I feel sorry for you because of what his mental illness and refusal to accept his illness has made you feel.

Your only option now is to move on from it.

Don't look for closure , I hope I have given you that. I talk from personal experience.

Drinking and creeping social media will only intensify pining for him. Stop trying to contact him via fb or any other way and certainly don't just show up at his house anymore. Don't beg and plead for his return because you're beating yourself up with that. Redo your place, throw out any reminders, keep busy with friends doing positive things.

I am certain mental illness is behind it.

But there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. I am amazed that no one picked up on it in your initial post.

I feel sorry for your ex but this isn't his post. I feel sorry for you because of what his mental illness and refusal to accept his illness has made you feel.

Your only option now is to move on from it.

Don't look for closure , I hope I have given you that. I talk from personal experience.

How is it mental illness though? Is it not he's just really a total jerk? Who runs away from a long term relationship and just wants to test other waters?

He added the girls that we fought over before and his ex's. I swear everytime I switch from being sooo lonely and missing him and just being angry because he wasn't satisfied with what I could give. I'm not ugly and I got a good decent job than these other girls are, but I really don't know what he wants. I don't know if when I see him again (IF) I would get angry, weep or question him about everything. We have plans already but I guess he's just too immature to realize that.

It sounds like he's the love 'em and leave 'em type. A player. You can do better than that and should focus on that.

How is it mental illness though? Is it not he's just really a total jerk? Who runs away from a long term relationship and just wants to test other waters?

 

He added the girls that we fought over before and his ex's. I swear everytime I switch from being sooo lonely and missing him and just being angry because he wasn't satisfied with what I could give. I'm not ugly and I got a good decent job than these other girls are, but I really don't know what he wants. I don't know if when I see him again (IF) I would get angry, weep or question him about everything. We have plans already but I guess he's just too immature to realize that.

Who are these ex's and girls you fought over? You didn't mention them until now? Why didn't you if you want advice on the situation?

How is it mental illness though? Is it not he's just really a total jerk? Who runs away from a long term relationship and just wants to test other waters?

Doesn't matter what he is or why, really. Only focus on you right now. Probably a good idea to stay away from his facebook page and any other way you could see what he's doing.

Start planning what you'd like to do. Do you want to try any new hobbies, travel, etc.? Think about your new life instead of your old life with him, or what he's doing.

And do some thinking about why you stayed with someone who had gambling issues, family issues, etc. You'll probably have a better chance of being in healthy relationship in the future if you think now about what is okay or not okay for you to put up with.

Who are these ex's and girls you fought over? You didn't mention them until now? Why didn't you if you want advice on the situation?

The girls from his hometown. You see, I'm from the city, I was born and raised here, and he's from the province, they even spoke different dialects but they can speak our national language. These are the girls he dated (one of which he admitted he did, and another one who works abroad now, plus one of the girls who flirted with him too much and claims she just wanted to be impergrated by him. When I saw it, I was tooooo angry but came to the point that if he really is serious about one of these girls then why does he talk to them all at once? He stopped communicating with them when we were dating. And now he's back to his old ways.

I seriously couldn't comprehend on why I even care about him too much, I know he's a straight-up a-hole for leaving me and wants to date girls all at once. But I feel like I'm the one who can teach him how to be mature. Sigh. Why do I even care when he's just hurting me so much now I still believe he's gonna be better with me I have this feeling that he just wants to play around first before settling down and part of me wants to wait for him but what can I hold on to right now? Nothing. His family doesnt want me, thats probably is a huge influence on him, plus the fact that he's not showing an once of care towards me, on what will happen because he knows I'm too emotional, makes me angry and even pity myself. I feel stupid doing this because I know deep inside he loved me as I saw it before he left, but maybe he just chose to continue to move on because his family doesn't agree him being with me or maybe he thinks I'm refraining him to continue on his career. Which is far from the truth.

Doesn't matter what he is or why, really. Only focus on you right now. Probably a good idea to stay away from his facebook page and any other way you could see what he's doing.

 

Start planning what you'd like to do. Do you want to try any new hobbies, travel, etc.? Think about your new life instead of your old life with him, or what he's doing.

 

And do some thinking about why you stayed with someone who had gambling issues, family issues, etc. You'll probably have a better chance of being in healthy relationship in the future if you think now about what is okay or not okay for you to put up with.

I need to help myself with this. There were like 5 days to a week that I was complete NC but I couldn't help myself but to snoop in.

But that hasn't worked. He wants his freedom and he can provide that for himself. It would be best to find a man who is ready for the type of relationship you want.

I feel like I'm the one who can teach him how to be mature.

This is the guy who cheated on you and was flirting with others. Now, he has run out, like the coward that he is, and you are begging for him back? HUH This guy is showing you that he is not partner worthy. You need to wake up and understand that he should not be a part of your life.

This guy is a piece of worthless garbage. How disrespectful to run out on you. In time you will see it as a blessing that you did not marry him.

There no trust or stability with this guy!!!!!!!

Yes... He is.

 

He really was very affectionate.. And caring. And buy me gifts! But really was short tempered. And if I ask or tell him to not do this or that like gambling and going out with his pals, he would kinda ~sulk and not talk to me or be silent until I gave in.

 

Does this entail that he has mental illness? Or just his upbringing? I can tell his family is too judgemental especially his mom. They were nice to me at first, but when we started like ~living together their attitude towards us, especially me gradually became different.

 

I just thought he change for the better for good! And we were engaged, he even told his mom that we were getting married but of course she didnt take it nicely and gave negative opinions. Sigh I kinda even dislike his mom because of this.

Don't ever expect people to change.

For your benefit, I would look into co dependency.

Greta,

Glad you got past your experience but to call the mentally ill spineless is hardly helpful. They are suffering more than you are. I am not suggesting you didn't feel hurt but the fact that you have been in relationships with more than one mentally ill person , to me suggests you need to wonder why you are attracting them?

You are assuming that someone is mentally ill. Just because someone runs out on you, DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL. That is preposterous!

I am certain mental illness is behind it.

But there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. I am amazed that no one picked up on it in your initial post.

I feel sorry for your ex but this isn't his post. I feel sorry for you because of what his mental illness and refusal to accept his illness has made you feel.

Your only option now is to move on from it.

Don't look for closure , I hope I have given you that. I talk from personal experience.

Are you a doctor?? Have you observed this individual? It sounds like you are projecting.

How is it mental illness though? Is it not he's just really a total jerk? Who runs away from a long term relationship and just wants to test other waters?

 

He added the girls that we fought over before and his ex's. I swear everytime I switch from being sooo lonely and missing him and just being angry because he wasn't satisfied with what I could give. I'm not ugly and I got a good decent job than these other girls are, but I really don't know what he wants. I don't know if when I see him again (IF) I would get angry, weep or question him about everything. We have plans already but I guess he's just too immature to realize that.

Arya, Don't listen to this. The guy is simply a spineless jerk.

"But I feel like I'm the one who can teach him to be mature"

Ok, it sounded like mental illness until you started adding more info, like the above statement.

His past bothered you clearly. You were not happy with his female friends from his hometown.

None of them were a threat to your relationship but you clearly made them an issue between you because of your own mistrust.

Starting to think his family were right in not liking you. You probably did keep him away from them out of clinginess and neediness.

I suggest you seek professional help because you are not going to get the help you need on an online forum.

"But I feel like I'm the one who can teach him to be mature"

 

Ok, it sounded like mental illness until you started adding more info, like the above statement.

 

His past bothered you clearly. You were not happy with his female friends from his hometown.

 

None of them were a threat to your relationship but you clearly made them an issue between you because of your own mistrust.

 

Starting to think his family were right in not liking you. You probably did keep him away from them out of clinginess and neediness.

 

I suggest you seek professional help because you are not going to get the help you need on an online forum.

Okay here's the story. When we were started dating, these were the girls he hid from me. He still talked and flirted with this girls when we were together the first time that led us breaking up the first time.

Almost a year have passed until we reconciled again and even the first few weeks I caught him texting these girls and carried on with my mistrust on him. But i gave him a chance again after a huge fight and him came begging he wouldn't do it again.

1 1/2 yrs our relationship was clean he stopped talking to these girls and we were projecting our future. I didn't distant him from his family. He was the one who didnt want to go back home and wants his life here. But when we had financial problems, when it started, i dont know maybe he came to the realization that he has to go back to his family for help. Thats his initial plan. But maybe the thing that its been over a year since he didnt visit them, came to the conclusion that his family thought that I'm the one making him stay away from them? When its not the truth! I wanted to meet his family, who doesnt want it? I'm in love with this guy and certainly wanted to meet his relatives. Its just too unfair that I'm in no position to defend myself on here (on his side). And even if I talk to them they just ignore me. His sister talked to me before though, and told me to just stay away from him because I'm too good for him, I was like what? What is with me and with him and us being together that they didn't want? I'm not a horrible person, I wouldn't be too mistrusting if not because of his past actions, but I'm the one who's like the bad guy here.

This is the guy who cheated on you and was flirting with others. Now, he has run out, like the coward that he is, and you are begging for him back? HUH This guy is showing you that he is not partner worthy. You need to wake up and understand that he should not be a part of your life.

 

This guy is a piece of worthless garbage. How disrespectful to run out on you. In time you will see it as a blessing that you did not marry him.

 

There no trust or stability with this guy!!!!!!!

Will take sometime to get over with this feelings. To be fair he showed that he cared and invested too much on us, we started looking for houses and bought a car. Its just a huge shock for me because its just too easy for him to leave everything behind.

Probably what I feel right now is jus loneliness.. But if I'm being honest, if we wil ever go back again, the paranoia and mistrust will still be there, I'm just to blinded and like to justify everything because I love him too much.