We broke up today... can't stop crying

I just can't stop crying. We broke up today. For the first time ever since we started this relationship...

I know he still loves me and I still love him, but things were so messy between us, his stressful job, my insecurities, his lack of patience and tolerance...

We had our issues before but we had something really special. We got along really well. I've been in 2 past relationships (one was for almost 3 years), but I've never loved anyone anywhere close to the way I love him. It was beyond my explanations.

We broke up but decided time might be best for us to get back together again. He made an analogy saying our relationship was sick and it needed a medicine, and time was the best medicine for now.

But I just can't stop crying.

For this past month we were on a break, but we talked and went out every now and then so it wasn't really a break. The thing is, during this break I tried to keep myself busy, I went out with my friends, I tried to stay positive and happy. And this week we were talking a lot, we had plans, it was all going well until we had a fight last night and we broke up today. Now I just feel like staying at home and crying and doing nothing. I'm so exhausted from this whole month of not knowing what was gonna happen, but positive we would get back together that now I've lost all of my strength. I feel weak and I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

We decided to go NC for a month, and after this month, he'll come talk to me for us to plan a trip together to somewhere. He even set a date, said he would pay and wants to go somewhere out of the country. I know I can't keep thinking about this and I have to live my life and try to move on, but last week I went to a bar and got drunk at the end and started crying because of him, because I was missing him so much. I've never cried because of anyone when I get drunk, but on that day I felt like something was missing. I feel like a part of me is missing, he was just so close to me and my best friend... now he's just gone. I feel terrible

Well, he was always threatening to break up. This time he followed through, apparently.

I personally don't think someone always threatening to break up with you is "special", but I do understand you're still upset.

Try to keep yourself busy, so you're not just sitting at home waiting for a month to go by so you can see him again.

And please avoid excessive alcohol. Drinking always makes us do stuff that's bad for us, including sending drunk texts at 3 am.

Take care of yourself.

If you want to wait around then keep busy with stuff, however he is calling the relationship 'sick' but not working on issues and turning it into an on/off relationship instead.

He made an analogy saying our relationship was sick and it needed a medicine and time was the best medicine for now. We decided to go NC for a month, and after this month, he'll come talk to me.

I wouldn't go on the trip with him. Don't let him control the whole relationship.

He wants out. Let him leave. Don't come running back when he snaps his fingers.

HUGS!!! So sorry you are going through this right now, I know how difficult it is...it just happened so you will cry and it will take time to process everything and process it again..and probably cry some more. It is all normal. You are going through a loss and it hurts.

Here is my opinion, I know that you thought this relationship was fantastic and everything was perfect, but you blinded by the loss right now and it is so hard to see things clearly and rationally. I had a chance to read some of your past threads and to be honest your relationship sounded WAY less than perfect and in fact not healthy at all...you should have to walk on egg shells with someone threatening to break up with you all the time. That is controlling! If someone wants to be with you, they will! It really shouldn't be that hard.

So my advice is to be done with this man. Do not talk to him anyone, accept the break up, start the healing process. Focus on yourself again, your relationship with you. That is the most important one. With time you will feel better.

We tried to work it out, we went on a break instead of breaking up but I wouldn't make a decision to break up, I never really thought this day would come.

We didn't break up because there's lack of love or because one cheated... which makes everything even harder. I've had an ex which to this day I don't know if he cheated on me but I found out things about him that turned me off and made the break up much easier. But with him, I know I'm not letting go of a complete jerk.

Even he said, we always got along, always treated each other well, it's not that we don't work out together, it's just that right it isn't really working and in a way I have to agree with him.. These two past months have been crazy... but we have never stopped liking each other.

I think there's hope for us in the future, and he thinks so too. But right now nothing is making much sense to me and I've lost all of my strength to keep myself happy that I was having this past month..

Thank you overthemoon86! Today was the worst.

Yes I know there were a lot of things he did that hurt me. And that was one the main things, however I have talked to him about it and he has accepted that he needs to change. He told me that he needs to grow up and so do I. But on the other hand, he's such a good person to me, he's the kind of guy who'll do anything to keep you happy, he has a really sweet side, that made me go on, if he was a complete jerk I certainly wouldn't be so upset, like when I broke up with my ex, I had feelings for him but meh, he was a jerk anyway and didn't deserve it, so moving on was really easy and in a way, a relief.

But with this guy... I know he isn't a bad person, I have always been in love with him... I literally feel like I lost a part of me, it hurts so much

Listen, I am in a similar situation except a little further down the line and it's still completely messy because I was never able to pick myself up and walk away when I should have a long time ago. I don't want you to end up in the same place I am now.

A few points I want you to take into consideration:

1. I agree with boltnrun, any person always threatening to break up or trying to convince you that your relationship was "sick" and "needed medicine" is not a person you want to be with. That is someone who wants out but still cares about you slightly and doesn't really want to hurt your feelings all that much. He wants to go explore and see what's out there and leave you wallowing until he decides to come back, knowing full well that you will accept him with open arms. This happens ESPECIALLY to women like you and I who tend to get into back-to-back long-term monogamous relationships and who are generally insecure. You need to realize that any man who wants to walk in and out of your life is not a man worth keeping and definitely not one worthy of your love or your tears.

2. The fact that you mentioned your insecurity and his lack of patience/tolerance in one sentence tells me (from experience) that there's probably some sort of emotional abuse that is taking place. A woman with insecurity and/or anxiety should not be with a man who lacks patience/tolerance, that is a dangerous mix.

3. You mentioned your prior relationships and the fact that this love seemed more intense than any other. To be honest, that might very well be true, and you might feel that way right now. But that is not to say that it will not change in the future, or that you will not meet someone else that won't walk in and out of your life as he pleases that you will love still more.

Here's the thing, you feel that you've lost a part of yourself, and that is simply because you have. You lost apart of your vibrant, happy self. The self that you were before he came along and put you through all of this emotional turmoil. For goodness sakes, you can't go to a bar without crying over him!! He is planning your entire near future for you under a cloud of uncertainty that will leave you feeling crazy at the end of the road. You have to take back your own life. YOU have to assert some sort of control, YOU need to lay down some ground rules, YOU need to ask for space, YOU should be picking the amount of time you go NC, when you guys see each other, etc. He is not your best friend, a best friend simply wouldn't vanish citing the poor excuse that your relationship was sick. Your best friend would have sat down and talked to you about his feelings and worked with you to define the best solution to remedy the issues at hand. EVERY relationship has difficulties. What he's doing is simply giving up. You should let him, and move on.

Thank you overthemoon86! Today was the worst.

Yes I know there were a lot of things he did that hurt me. And that was one the main things, however I have talked to him about it and he has accepted that he needs to change. He told me that he needs to grow up and so do I. But on the other hand, he's such a good person to me, he's the kind of guy who'll do anything to keep you happy, he has a really sweet side, that made me go on, if he was a complete jerk I certainly wouldn't be so upset, like when I broke up with my ex, I had feelings for him but meh, he was a jerk anyway and didn't deserve it, so moving on was really easy and in a way, a relief.

But with this guy... I know he isn't a bad person, I have always been in love with him... I literally feel like I lost a part of me, it hurts so much

 

One day at a time. As cliché as this sounds, time does fix everything. If I were you I wouldnt spend the NC month waiting and hoping for your reunion. I'd keep myself busy, go out, get your gfs and go dancing, join a gym, meet people - yes even if its just for fun..go away for a weekend! Its normal to feel the way you do, you've been there before. Personally, if my bf needs to break up and go NC just because...I doubt I'd wanna get back with him. Relationships are hard work, you can't just bail when things are rough ..I mean you can but that pretty much explains everything. Sure..he's not a jerk...he's just not as invested as you are and if he is he has a very odd way of showing it. That trip he's planning - I wouldn't go. It's all or nothing.

brienoch thank you for your post. It made me cry once again thinking about everything that has happened. I feel so lost, at the same time I feel angry at him for doing this, I don't blame him. After all we were in this conflict for a while now. Our break up was sad, I could see he was also sad but once again, like you said he just gave up.

I have two couples who are close friends of mine who have had this happen to them. One broke up for 6 months some years ago, and now are 10 years together. And the other also broke up for six months, got back together and got married a few years later. He used them two as an example of how some couples have and need to go through this. It simply wasn't working out, he wasn't happy and he couldn't cope with it, which consequently made me unhappy also. In the end, I know that he likes me, but he has huge issues assorting things, which he has acknoledged. Like you said and everyone has told me, every relationship has difficulties and he knows that but he thinks time is the best medicine and right now I really have to accept it, however he did say that he wishes for us to be together, and he said he will contact me in a month for us to schedule our trip when he could simply say: yeah, we better move on and see how it goes, but he even chose the date and said he was paying, he also said this wasn't the end and someday we might look back at this together and laugh about how we got over it and stayed together, so part of has a little bit of hope, but I KNOW I can't stop my life and simply wait for him, I know I have to go NC and pretend we're never gonna see each other again.

But it's just so hard, it's hard to recognize that this person is no longer a part of your life and you can no longer call them up and ask how they're doing... I miss him and it literally hurts, it's like every inch of my body hurts. We had such a close relationship. I'd spend the whole weekend with him, we really had a connection and commitment to each other... it's just that sometimes my head wonders how he feels about all this, and if he misses me or feels better without me and will move on and forget about me.. It scares me

I know if it's meant to be, it will be, and we'll find a way to each other's lives. He said he'll contact me in a month and we promised we won't talk to each other until then. Let's see what will happen...

Unfortunately, despite the fact that he's been threatening to end it, went on a break, and people told you for a long time that he would soon break up with you, you still seem to think you have a future with this guy.

I suggest you set up a few therapy sessions to help you understand why this was an unhealthy relationship.

msbrunette I know, relationships are hard work. However, he has always complained about my insecurities, ever since the beginning of our relationship but I never changed because well, I never really made an effort to tbh. Only after we went on a break that I started working on myself and realising my insecurities weren't doing any good for our relationships AND myself. However, up to that point he was already out of patience. I'm not defending him, if I were him of course I would've acted differently, but people are people and I just have to accept his behavior unfortunately

And about the trip, Idk... I'll see how I feel in a month from now. many things could change, even I can change ... but I'll just go with the flow, I really have no idea what to do right now

It's confusing because at the same time he would threaten to break up with me, he would go back and do all sorts of stuff for us to be together. I think it has to do with maturity, he lacks so much in that area but only time will show him that. It's just awful that for the most of the relationship I was genuinely happy, it wasn't a crappy relationship at all like my past relationships which I felt relieved to be out of them.

Yes, this happens. Couples break up and get back together down the line... sometimes years and years down the line though. You have to learn to be okay on your own during the interim. My ex prior to the one I first described did the same thing. He loved me deeply but had some issues he needed to work out personally and said he wanted us to end up together down the line. It didn't happen for us, but I made myself miserable waiting around for months. We are good friends now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's definitely hard. I still live with my ex-boyfriend and we haven't been able to go NC, and my life therefore is one huge limbo. I haven't been able to move out even though I know I need to. He makes me feel guilty because at the end of the road, he finally decided to re-enter my life as my boyfriend, and I didn't want that any longer. I spent months trying to get over it, trying to put boundaries between us, trying to be okay sharing the same living space and still dividing household duties with someone I no longer share an intimate relationship with. The guilt is what paralyzes me. Be glad you're spared from this. For now, you're absolutely right. You need to find a way to be okay with NC. It will be more like a recovery process. Give yourself a VERY limited amount of time to feel sad while it's still fresh. After that time is up, it will be time to venture out and do you. Do all of the things you couldn't or wouldn't do before because you were with him. Also, I wouldn't give him so much control in that he's setting the parameters of your NC, telling you when he'll contact you again (again, leaving you to wait while you wallow) and planning AND paying for a trip? No good. He still has all the control over you he wants. You should break that ASAP.

It's confusing because at the same time he would threaten to break up with me, he would go back and do all sorts of stuff for us to be together. I think it has to do with maturity, he lacks so much in that area but only time will show him that. It's just awful that for the most of the relationship I was genuinely happy, it wasn't a crappy relationship at all like my past relationships which I felt relieved to be out of them.

It wasn't a happy relationship. You had many threads about how unhappy you were about things he said and did.

If this relationship "wasn't crappy" compared to your previous relationships, they must have been horrible indeed.

You do know people in healthy relationships don't threaten to break up every time there's a disagreement or a small conflict, right? And decent men don't dismiss or minimize their girlfriends' feelings either.

I know there are many things wrong with this situation. Right now I feel so vulnerable and I miss him, when the night comes I start thinking about him and missing him, and thinking that if we were together he would be coming over to my house right now... so many things

I know things may be different in a month from now. I know a lot of things can change, but right now being in this position, if he called me asked to hang out I would definetly go, you know? I miss him like crazy, the thought of not having him around is driving me crazy.

He texted me a while ago asking for help on a test and I helped him and he thanked me and acted normal, but I didn't say more than three words, it's like I'm angry and sad at the same time. I feel like he abandoned me. We went through sooo much, I helped him with so many things and now he's not here anymore, I wish he would've tried a little bit more I have such an urge to contact him and talk to him and ask him to stay, I can't believe it's really over!

brienoch it must be really hard for you. Moving in with the person you love can be wonderful, but if you ever break up it must be devastating... To start over again somewhere must be really hard!

And about the trip, seeing in that perspective you've got a point. I offered to pay but then he said it's fine he'd pay for it (he's always paid stuff for me, since he makes more money than I do and also he really cares about it) and he picked a date that was 3 months from now, I had suggested 2. But who knows, I know my heart belongs to him but by then I don't know what will be of it... but right now, I feel awful and alone...

*hugs* I know it hurts...

But.. i think the BEST thing to do for yourself is to have NO more contact.

Do not agree on the idea of a trip.. in a month or in 3 months.. Nothing!

If you two have broken up then that's what you have to accept and deal with.. otherwise it will continue to kill you inside..each time you two reconnect.

>>" I'm so exhausted from this whole month of not knowing what was gonna happen, but positive we would get back together that now I've lost all of my strength. I feel weak and I feel like I've lost a part of myself. "

it's time to back away and give each other the NEEDED space now.. right? ( Medicine). Then do that and start taking care of yourself!

Yes, break ups hurt.. I know! But, continued contact just prolongs it.

Things might end up working out.. in the future. No one knows... but for now. it won't. Why? Because NOTHING has been dealt with yet in regards to what caused your BU.

So.. how about you tell him NO. No more contact.. no more arrangements.. agreements to meet etc. But, some separation, as was mentioned is what is required.

Yes. We have agreed on NC from now on. I went on to call him only to say how miserable I was. We stayed on the phone for 15 minutes with him telling me that we've talked about it and it's best for the both of us, but towards the end of the conversation he started being rude to me again. I know I was wrong to call him, but I haven't stopped crying the whole day. I feel like this is so unfair, to be with someone and have them not love you as much as you love them.

While on the phone, he didn't seem sad, rather frustrated and wanted to hang up soon. He said there was nothing to talk about, that we've arealdy talked about how we don't work out and that I have to give it time, but as he started getting mad at me he threatened once again to delete and block me from everywhere and never look at me again. It's like, now he doesn't have the "power" to break up with me because he's already done it, so he uses the "if you keep doing this I'll never speak to you again" thing, because he knows how much it kills me inside. It's almost as if he enjoys controlling me. I know I stressed him out (not anything new here) and I know it was weak of me to call him, but now I know it's a waste of time. I really do need to move on and try to be happy ... I know I deserve to be treated better, I was crying so much on the phone and he was so cold saying how crying wasn't gonna help anything, that he was sad too but it's just the way it is. It's like, how can you not even shed a tear for breaking up with the person you've been with for a long time? Not even once? Not even before the break up or anything... while on the other hand I've been crying the whole day. I feel like there's definitely something wrong here. I hate how rational he is in such an emotional moment for me.

I can see this either going two ways, either we both grow up and get back together and start something new, or I'll end up getting mad/sad at this whole situation for the way he treated me at the end of the relationship, and won't want to get back together. Tbh I don't even think he's gonna contact me for this trip, I think he'll probably move on and forget about me... I feel so small

he IS controlling you. That is what I was trying to point out earlier. I kind of know the feeling. He is calling all of the shots.

Listen, if I were you, for your own self esteem take back control yourself. That is what I did. You can read my recent thread.. I am also in a breakup. He was also sort of trying to control things and it comes from a place of lack of respect for you. I decided to cut all contact. He wanted us to be like boyfriend/girlfriend with no commitment. I wanted to talk to him on the phone to say goodbye.. he refused and said "later". Many times, later never came. I told him that and said that it was goodbye now. If he wouldn't talk to me on the phone and say goodbye to me in real words, don't expect to see my face again. I said goodbye and then unfriended him on Facebook. Blocked him from messenger. I told him I was disappearing and it was my choice, my decision. So far, I have stuck to it.

I suggest you send him a brief message: "Earlier, you suggested blocking me. Since I am moving on, I have decided that is a good idea. Goodbye and it was nice knowing you!"

Then block him from everywhere.

Give this jerk a taste of his own medicine and take back your self esteem.

Yes. We have agreed on NC from now on. I went on to call him only to say how miserable I was. We stayed on the phone for 15 minutes with him telling me that we've talked about it and it's best for the both of us, but towards the end of the conversation he started being rude to me again. I know I was wrong to call him, but I haven't stopped crying the whole day. I feel like this is so unfair, to be with someone and have them not love you as much as you love them.

 

While on the phone, he didn't seem sad, rather frustrated and wanted to hang up soon. He said there was nothing to talk about, that we've arealdy talked about how we don't work out and that I have to give it time, but as he started getting mad at me he threatened once again to delete and block me from everywhere and never look at me again. It's like, now he doesn't have the "power" to break up with me because he's already done it, so he uses the "if you keep doing this I'll never speak to you again" thing, because he knows how much it kills me inside. It's almost as if he enjoys controlling me. I know I stressed him out (not anything new here) and I know it was weak of me to call him, but now I know it's a waste of time. I really do need to move on and try to be happy ... I know I deserve to be treated better, I was crying so much on the phone and he was so cold saying how crying wasn't gonna help anything, that he was sad too but it's just the way it is. It's like, how can you not even shed a tear for breaking up with the person you've been with for a long time? Not even once? Not even before the break up or anything... while on the other hand I've been crying the whole day. I feel like there's definitely something wrong here. I hate how rational he is in such an emotional moment for me.

 

I can see this either going two ways, either we both grow up and get back together and start something new, or I'll end up getting mad/sad at this whole situation for the way he treated me at the end of the relationship, and won't want to get back together. Tbh I don't even think he's gonna contact me for this trip, I think he'll probably move on and forget about me... I feel so small

 

Okay are you done trying to convince yourself that you're the only one that messed up? Sounds to me he did a good job at making you believe and think you are to blame for the break up. Someone that keeps reminding you they will dump you ...isn't afraid of losing you, right now he knows you'll be waiting for him, for whatever he decides...heck he already booked the trip..cause you'll be waiting & hoping for what he's in the mood for. Meanwhile he gets to do whatever he wants, he's single now...do you really think he's gonna meditate about the two of you for 30 days? Your relationship doesn't sound like a healthy one to me, the break up should be a permanent one, not a 30 day trial so he gets to see what else is out there ...and otherwise get back with you and work on your relationships. You don't need breaks and you don't need a break up for a relationship to work... If your foundation is cracked whatever bullshiz you try will fall apart. If I were you right now id pick myself up and think of me only from now on. Don't worry about what how when and why he's doing things. He's gone. Worry about you and what you can do to make yourself happy. The right person will fight along your side not threaten to dump you every time it gets tough.

I just am so surprised about the fact that he actually did leave me. He simply left me! How can he be so cold to the point where he'd rather be without the person who cared the most about him, the person who went through hell and back with him. Went through the toughest times in his life and was always there to support him. Never mistreated him, never cheated on him, always said nice things about him to everyone. How could he simply leave a person who was so good to him?

I just can't put my head to it. How he could just not accept my one flaw, which is being anxious and not waiting for stuff to happen, and have some insecurities which DID get a lot better over time, and he even said he recognized it. How could he have not waited just a little more? How could he have run out of patience with me? So many questions... so little answers. I've seen people break up and still talk throughout the next days, or at least be confused about it, or whatever. But he's simply gone. He doesn't care. All the memories we shared, all the plans we made, all the love he gave me, hell he was so dedicated to our relationship! And so was I, more than I have ever been with anyone. This was someone I thought I would share many years of my life with, this was someone I actually saw a future with, this was the only guy I have ever truly loved. And he left me... no more phone calls, no texts, nothing. Can he really be over me? Last Sunday he was saying how much he was in love with me, and how he was feeling the way he felt when he met me, and he was so happy even his eyes would sparkle. I could see he truly loved me. I wonder if he misses me, I wonder if he even thinks of me or is somewhere with anyone "having fun", having drinks or whatever...

I tried to stay distracted today, I went out with a friend and I'm meeting some friends later on... but this feeling, it's stuck with me. I don't even know how to deal with this, I'm so angry, frustrated and sad. I've never felt this way... I never dealt with this pain in such an intense way. I got home today after hanging out with my friend and I started bawling all over again. I can't be alone that I cry, and if I'm not alone, it's like I have this weight over my shoulders that just won't leave. How could he, how could do this to me? I'm not a bad person...

How can you want someone who threatened to break up all the time and who totally and completely disregarded and dismissed your feelings?

He left you because you are insecure, anxious, completely dependent on him emotionally, and not at all independent. He was frankly pretty cruel to you because he recognized how dependent you are and dangled your weaknesses on a string until the insecurity killed the rest of his attraction.

It's completely crazy you are surprised he left. He basically took out a billboard ad saying he was leaving.

Oh no... I'm also on the same boat as you... My bf (or ex, I don't know) wants to go on a break for a month yesterday and we both decided no contact is the way to go to see if it's just great memories that are keeping us together or if it's genuine love. It's my first time going on a break with someone and I am tormented. I know what I have to do... I have to take care of myself and keep myself busy until the day we talk. Easier said than done though, because here I am going through so much pain.