HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 I'm a 24 year old man and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. But I'm feeling like this relationship is built on blind trust and no transparentcy. We don't live together because she refuses to live with any man she's not married to, because she's scared she won't finish school. I strongly disagree, but I respect it. We only see each other on the weekends, because she refuses to visit my place during the week. We've both had people of the opposite sex pop up on our phones, but when a female friend of mines popped up on my phone, she threatened to leave me. I didn't threaten to leave her when random guys "from school" would pop up on her phone, but that's another story. When she threatened to leave me, I said we should both go the extra mile to be transparent, to build trust. And friends of the opposite sex are cool, as long as we're all friends. She agreed to those new terms, but there's still NO transparentcy! She'd just rather not have any friends at all. She has a bestfriend who is a female and her bestfriend doesn't know we're in a relationship. She does'nt even know I exist. Her explaination for that is, she's trying to protect our relationship. I understand, but I disagree. I disagree and I don't really care too much about that. My Girlfriend also works as a receptionist/front desk clerk for a prominent car dealership. It's predominantly male and it's a male driven business, so she gets hit on and flirted with every day. By coworkers and customers. She knows that her coworkers likes her and she talks to them at work every day. They have holiday parties where employees can bring their families and loved ones to the event. She's been working there for two years and she's never brought me, she'd rather bring her mom. She's also never told anyone she works with about me at all. She's told me that they ask all the time and are very curious, but she always dodges the question. She refuses to tell them anything about me. Does that sound fishy to anyone? Does it sound like my girl isn't proud to claim me? And how to we stay strong with such lack of transparency? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 If her priorities are focusing on school during the week and not living together until marriage, then those are her values and terms. What do you mean by transparency? Going through each others phones is not the answer. Why is there so much distrust and jealousy? Are you exclusive and have you discussed precisely what that means to both of you? You mentioned "disagree" 3 times in this brief post alone. Why does she keep your relationship under wraps if you are exclusive bf/gf?. Don't worry about her workplace or try to imagine things there. Interesting after 5 years there is no engagement or ring that would signal to others that she's taken or indicate anything serious enough to consider moving in together.. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 She's not in school at the moment. She only works from 2pm-8pm, mon through thurs. We're not married yet because the plan is to finish school and become stablished in our careers before we start a family. And w agreed to be exclusive at the very begining. Her family knows who I am and mines know who she is. It's just her peers who don't know I exist at all. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 And by transparency, I mean, no barriers Link to comment
Andrina Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Her decision not to live together until marriage is reasonable. The other area of your relationship, where she won't even tell her best friend about a 5 year relationship is alarming. She is not involving you in her life as she should. If my husband's work had a holiday party where family members were invited and he didn't ask me if I wanted to go, that would be a major problem. How do you know guys at work flirt with her? Does she brag about it because it's on her mind and an ego boost for her, or to get you jealous so you know how wanted she is, or do you grill her about it? If she likes the ego boost, then she might not want the men to know she's taken. On a side note, many women are exposed to men all day long. It's about how they handle themselves when it happens when they are taken. If I'd gone with a man five years and he told me he'd only see me on weekends and didn't shout it to the universe that I was his special someone, I'd run, not walk, to the nearest exit. I prefer building a beautiful, progressive life with someone, and that situation wouldn't be it. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 And I did give her a huge ring that she wears on her right hand. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 Her decision not to live together until marriage is reasonable. The other area of your relationship, where she won't even tell her best friend about a 5 year relationship is alarming. She is not involving you in her life as she should. If my husband's work had a holiday party where family members were invited and he didn't ask me if I wanted to go, that would be a major problem. How do you know guys at work flirt with her? Does she brag about it because it's on her mind and an ego boost for her, or to get you jealous so you know how wanted she is, or do you grill her about it? If she likes the ego boost, then she might not want the men to know she's taken. On a side note, many women are exposed to men all day long. It's about how they handle themselves when it happens when they are taken. She tells me about them flirting and she let's me know about when some guys try to ask her out. She never does it braggingly, but I think she does enjoy the attention. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 No barriers is rather vague. Do you mean no boundaries like policing each others phones and invading each other's privacy? Random jewelry is not an engagement ring and will not signal to others that she's taken nor signal to her that there's any serious reason to cohabit. You sound on very different pages relationship-wise and overly distrusting and jealous that she works with men. Trust is the basis of any good relationship and your possessiveness seems unfounded. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 No barriers is rather vague. Do you mean no boundaries like policing each others phones and invading each other's privacy? Random jewelry is not an engagement ring and will not signal to others that she's taken nor signal to her that there's any serious reason to cohabit. You sound on very different pages relationship-wise and overly distrusting and jealous that she works with men. Trust is the basis of any good relationship and your possessiveness seems unfounded. It's not about invading each others privacy. It's more about trust and honesty. I had no reason to even bring up the fact that our phones were locked until random people would pop up on our phones. I reacted diffrently than she did when a girl popped up on mines. Before that happened, I had no suspicion and no reason to build distrust... At least as far as the phones are concerned. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Her explaination for that is, she's trying to protect our relationship. What does this mean? I think her desire to finish school before moving in is reasonable, but all that other stuff isn't. Not telling people about your relationship seems incredibly odd to me. And I agree that having platonic friends is fine, but she seems to have a double standard about it. I think I would consider leaving someone who didn't tell people I exist after five years together. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 What does this mean? I think her desire to finish school before moving in is reasonable, but all that other stuff isn't. Not telling people about your relationship seems incredibly odd to me. And I agree that having platonic friends is fine, but she seems to have a double standard about it. I think I would consider leaving someone who didn't tell people I exist after five years together. Her best friend is very competitive and she's single. She thinks that if she knew of me, she'll try to break us up or attempt to steal me, or one up her with a guy that she considers better than me. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Her best friend is very competitive and she's single. She thinks that if she knew of me, she'll try to break us up or attempt to steal me, or one up her with a guy that she considers better than me. That sounds incredibly paranoid and strange. If that's true, do you question why she would have a "best friend" like that? I think that might say something about your gf, no? Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 That sounds incredibly paranoid and strange. If that's true, do you question why she would have a "best friend" like that? I think that might say something about your gf, no? I always question her loyalty to her "best friend"! I don't understand it... Why even consider someone your "best friend" if your friendship is based off of one upping each other? Link to comment
bulletproof Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 I always question her loyalty to her "best friend"! I don't understand it... Why even consider someone your "best friend" if your friendship is based off of one upping each other? Well, maybe it's time to stop questioning it and thinking she will change. Maybe it's time to move on from this weird situation. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 Well, maybe it's time to stop questioning it and thinking she will change. Maybe it's time to move on from this weird situation. Unfortunately, you're probably right. I love this woman and my happiest moments of life are the weekends we spend together, but these issues make me miserable. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 The thing that is reasonable is not wanting to live together unmarried. Other than that, the rest is just weird and messed up. The biggest two being that she is actively hiding that she is in a relationship and as far as I'm concerned, there is only one reason for that - keeping your options wide open to better prospects and enjoying the attention it brings about in general. Goes hand in hand with her flipping out at you about a female on your phone. Those who cheat know how they go about it and are often terrified that very same game is being played on them. Thus they are quick to jump on their partners and accuse them of cheating. Also, works well in the sense that a good offence makes for a good defense. While you are busy defending yourself and proving that you are not cheating, you don't have time to wonder about what they are doing. Not even implying here that she is necessarily out sleeping around, just that she is very much one foot in and one foot out in this relationship. It's just not very genuine and you seem like an option she is keeping hidden in the back pocket in case better options don't come along. There is nothing healthy or normal about this relationship, especially 5 years in. Probably time to call it a day on this. All you've got is an extended arrangement of arms length weekend dates. Outside of that, nothing much. It may be fun on weekends, but seriously, if you want a normal relationship and someone to built a future with, this girl is not it. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Have you two had the define the relationship talk? It sounds like although you have fun weekends, it's unclear what page you are on and where things are at and/or heading. For example, it doesn't even sound like you to are clear on gf/bf or what exclusivity means to either of you.I love this woman and my happiest moments of life are the weekends we spend together. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 Have you two had the define the relationship talk? It sounds like although you have fun weekends, it's unclear what page you are on and where things are at and/or heading. For example, it doesn't even sound like you to are clear on gf/bf or what exclusivity means to either of you. Of course we've had that talk at the very beginning. Just as I told you earlier. her and I just simply have different ideas of how a relationship is supposed to go. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 That's the part I meant about addressing/defining. her and I just simply have different ideas of how a relationship is supposed to go. Link to comment
gigiselle Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Of course we've had that talk at the very beginning. Just as I told you earlier. her and I just simply have different ideas of how a relationship is supposed to go. So---on her side of things, who knows you're an item? You've been dating for years. Are you ever on her social media? Does she list herself as in a relationship? Have you ever met any of her friends or family? As far a women getting hit on---it's going to happen...no surprise there. I don't understand the need to tell you(insecurity maybe?). Why would she have a "BEST friend" she cannot trust? I find it plain bizarre nobody knows about you. You need to discuss the terms of relationship with her. If you're not on the same page maybe you need to decide if you're ok with this or even if you have a future together. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 So---on her side of things, who knows you're an item? You've been dating for years. Are you ever on her social media? Does she list herself as in a relationship? Have you ever met any of her friends or family? As far a women getting hit on---it's going to happen...no surprise there. I don't understand the need to tell you(insecurity maybe?). Why would she have a "BEST friend" she cannot trust? I find it plain bizarre nobody knows about you. You need to discuss the terms of relationship with her. If you're not on the same page maybe you need to decide if you're ok with this or even if you have a future together. We are very involved in each others families. Her family loves me and mine loves her. Our families know we're together, it's just her peers that don't. I've never met any of her friends in the past. Now she doesn't really have any friends except for her best friend, who doesn't know I exist. She deactivated all of her social media pages when we first got together because she said she thinks those are unhealthy for relationships. She contemplated creating new pages, but she said she won't have me on them. She said that the farthest she'll go, when it comes to claiming me on social media, is showing a picture of our hands together, and she wouldn't tag me. After I disapproved of that, she said she may never have a social media as long as we're together. And I don't know why she tells me how many and who's hitting on her at work. Sometimes, I honestly think because shes creeped out. Sometimes, I think, in her mind she's being a good gf by telling me. I don't know. But she tells me things about her coworkers and refuses to let me meet any of them at holiday parties. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 This is all good news. The families. Agree that 'wastebook' and the like can create a lot of nonsense in general and in relationships in particular. However I agree it's odd that you two don't socialize with friends. Her coworkers are irrelevant. Suggest inviting some of her friends over for a BBQ or something. Link to comment
HarryPeoples Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 This is all good news. The families. Agree that 'wastebook' and the like can create a lot of nonsense in general and in relationships in particular. However I agree it's odd that you two don't socialize with friends. Her coworkers are irrelevant. Suggest inviting some of her friends over for a BBQ or something. Sounds good Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Very strange she doesn't sound proud to have you. If anyone is happy.. they should show their partner off.. not hide it. And her friend to not even know?? Why not? I had an ex.. who did fool around on me. He hardly took me out anywhere and never had me involved with his friends either..ugh.. wish i picked up on that sooner Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Yes, the fact that she hides you from all her friends, including her best friend, is really suspect. Possible explanations could be that she's embarrassed by you, is hoping someone better will come along - and she'll apparently be available - or that she has problems making a genuine emotional connection with anyone, or puts on a real act with her friends which would become obvious if you were there. Or just isn't that into you, period. None of these bodes well for your relationship. Link to comment
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