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My boyfriend hangs out one on one with his ex am I right to feel uncomfortable?


SheepSnuggler

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Hi everyone, I posted here before about how my boyfriend and his ex are close friends. Long story short, they date for two years, realised they were not suitable as a couple. Spent the last year of their relationship as friends and after a peaceful, mutual breakup. They've been best friends ever since.

 

But I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem here, I mean. They've known each other for years, they clearly work as friends and nothing more. But he regularly hangs out on-on-one with her, and she takes photos of these outings and puts them on Facebook (they went to the beach one evening a few days ago)

 

I'm not gonna lie, it hurts to look at them because they look so good together. They also went away for the weekend for his birthday at the start of our relationship (we were established as a couple and sleeping together at this point) I feel so uncomfortable whenever he talks about it.

 

They're relationship has always been mainly platonic, and he's been very transparent about everything so I have nothing to worry about. It just doesn't sit quite right with me when they hang out one on one and when he drives all the way out here to visit her. Realistically I have nothing to worry about, but my gut instinct is telling me that it won't end well. I talked to my mates about it, they all agree that it's inappropriate and that I need to talk to him. But I have and it always hits a dead end.

 

There's nothing he can do really, he just needs to wait for me to get over it but I don't know how to do that. I care about him and I don't want to ruin this. Please help.

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Clearly they have unfinished business or they wouldn't be hanging out. And they are not friends, there is no friendship if there is/was attraction......he is not only engaging in risky relationships/behavior but is also quite disrespectful and inappropriate towards you and your relationship.

 

Personally, to me, if I'm dating anyone and they have ANY kind of relationship with an ex.....it's a deal breaker to me. Only exception is kids and if the relationship is "Kids Only".

 

Why did you keep dating this guy? What did you think would happen?

 

Time to put the foot down and tell him he either ends that relationship for good or you are walking......but I would just walk to be honest, chances of him cheating are quite high. Actually I would be surprised if he didn't cheat.

 

Besides, forget about Ex, just hanging out with opposite sex = red flag. I believe in this:

/

 

Weird, here I was thinking "hanging out with Ex" = the biggest red flag of them all while dating.......perhaps you missed this while dating?

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Dof, I have no idea why I continued with this relationship after they went away for the weekend and believe me I'm surprised myself that I stuck around. I have no excuses, I'm a weak and insecure woman and I'm bad at confrontation. Or maybe I just really like him, heh.

 

Walking might be a lot less stressful, but j.mann and Capttrae have a point. I knew what baggage he came with and I continue to stay.

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It's not about jealousy it's about establishing boundaries. If you, as the current gf, feel like a third wheel or interloper...there's a problem. Posting couple-like pics on fb is inappropriate, but one-on-one weekend trips together is a red flag, sorry. They are not co-parenting or coworkers so their business is purely emotional unfinished business.

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Dof, I have no idea why I continued with this relationship after they went away for the weekend and believe me I'm surprised myself that I stuck around. I have no excuses, I'm a weak and insecure woman and I'm bad at confrontation. Or maybe I just really like him, heh.

 

Walking might be a lot less stressful, but j.mann and Capttrae have a point. I knew what baggage he came with and I continue to stay.

 

Knowing the issues is step one to resolving it.

 

Work on becoming a stronger and more secure women. Getting rid of your parasite boyfriend would be a good step 1.

 

I mean really, it doesn't get much more clearer than "going off with ex on a weekend".

 

I also suggest STD test ASAP.....

 

By remaining, you enable and are part of the problem. Expect being cheated on with this guy for as long as you remain.

 

You already know this is not healthy.

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Have you met her? One of the thing that helps me (my fiancé has tons of female friends- a few are exes) is meeting them. I've met his female friends and it's clear to me there's no chemistry...it's clear to me that neither one of them are interested in the other....so I don't care if my bf goes out with them...because I trust him, and I even trust his female friends- we've met and hung out and I like them.

 

We hang out with my daughters father pretty regularly. I go for lunch with him and my daughter when my fiancé is at work. My ex bf was extremely jealous of my friendship with my daughters father and I wasn't allowed to talk to him at all. It led to a lot of fighting in our relationship, and made me respect him less, and eventually made me feel he wasn't a candidate for marriage.

 

I know it's different with kids...but the idea is the same. And my fiancé doesn't have kids- he's just friends with females including some exes. It's a trust thing. You have to determine if he's trustworthy. If he is, you then have to trust him. If he's not trustworthy...dump him.

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Have you met her? One of the thing that helps me (my fiancé has tons of female friends- a few are exes) is meeting them.

 

As if meeting them does anything other than validate and enable your boyfriends actions.

 

Fact that they are still hanging around opposite sex and especially ex should tell you everything you need to know about your man.

 

he is NOT greater than nature or can defeat nature. And hanging out with people you are attracted to and intimate with......just a matter of time before nature takes it's course. I don't care how "strong" the person is or how much "strong will" they have.

 

There is no greater force than nature. Simple as that.

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Hi everyone, I posted here before about how my boyfriend and his ex are close friends. Long story short, they date for two years, realised they were not suitable as a couple. Spent the last year of their relationship as friends and after a peaceful, mutual breakup. They've been best friends ever since.

 

But I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem here, I mean. They've known each other for years, they clearly work as friends and nothing more. But he regularly hangs out on-on-one with her, and she takes photos of these outings and puts them on Facebook (they went to the beach one evening a few days ago)

 

I'm not gonna lie, it hurts to look at them because they look so good together. They also went away for the weekend for his birthday at the start of our relationship (we were established as a couple and sleeping together at this point) I feel so uncomfortable whenever he talks about it.

 

They're relationship has always been mainly platonic, and he's been very transparent about everything so I have nothing to worry about. It just doesn't sit quite right with me when they hang out one on one and when he drives all the way out here to visit her. Realistically I have nothing to worry about, but my gut instinct is telling me that it won't end well. I talked to my mates about it, they all agree that it's inappropriate and that I need to talk to him. But I have and it always hits a dead end.

 

There's nothing he can do really, he just needs to wait for me to get over it but I don't know how to do that. I care about him and I don't want to ruin this. Please help.

How old are you? You have been dating for how long?

I would tell him.

I'd say I understand she's his best friend but you don't feel comfortable about the amount of time they spend together.

The issue is partly yours, you feel threatened by her & not very confident ...

but you're also dating this guy and if he loves you well he's gonna have to at least be understanding.

You can't keep him away from his "best friend" but if he doesn't try to at least include you in or hang out with her less ...

then you probably shouldnt be dating him in the first place.

 

They arent just buddies, they dated ...I understand the concern.

He's your boyfriend and relationships are about mutual respect.

Can't keep him away from his friend but he also must take in consideration of your feelings.

Let him know, its making you unhappy & worried.

 

Good luck OP.

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As if meeting them does anything other than validate and enable your boyfriends actions.

 

Fact that they are still hanging around opposite sex and especially ex should tell you everything you need to know about your man.

 

he is NOT greater than nature or can defeat nature. And hanging out with people you are attracted to and intimate with......just a matter of time before nature takes it's course. I don't care how "strong" the person is or how much "strong will" they have.

 

There is no greater force than nature. Simple as that.

 

 

those aren't facts

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As if meeting them does anything other than validate and enable your boyfriends actions.

 

Fact that they are still hanging around opposite sex and especially ex should tell you everything you need to know about your man.

 

he is NOT greater than nature or can defeat nature. And hanging out with people you are attracted to and intimate with......just a matter of time before nature takes it's course. I don't care how "strong" the person is or how much "strong will" they have.

 

There is no greater force than nature. Simple as that.

 

Lol, if I had any worries about him cheating, I would be out of here so fast.

 

I don't think he's tempted by his female friends. Meeting them was to put my mind at ease. I don't think cheating is about will power at all. It's about boundaries.

 

My fiancé and I have talked about what cheating is to each of us. How we can protect our relationship from emotional cheating and physical cheating. We're on the same page. I'm not worried at all.

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Lol, if I had any worries about him cheating, I would be out of here so fast.

 

I don't think he's tempted by his female friends. Meeting them was to put my mind at ease. I don't think cheating is about will power at all. It's about boundaries.

 

My fiancé and I have talked about what cheating is to each of us. How we can protect our relationship from emotional cheating and physical cheating. We're on the same page. I'm not worried at all.

 

doesn't matter what others think.. what works for you works for you. as long as you guys are on the same page an your relationship continues to grow with no issues, everything is fine.

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I think if you don't trust your partner to have friends of the opposite sex...how can you trust them to go to work? They might meet someone there. There are people of the opposite sex everywhere. My fiancé might meet a cute girl at the grocery store! I might meet a cute guy at the mechanic!

 

It can get very dramatic if you don't trust your partner.

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Lol, if I had any worries about him cheating, I would be out of here so fast.

 

I don't think he's tempted by his female friends. Meeting them was to put my mind at ease. I don't think cheating is about will power at all. It's about boundaries.

 

My fiancé and I have talked about what cheating is to each of us. How we can protect our relationship from emotional cheating and physical cheating. We're on the same page. I'm not worried at all.

 

So whats the point of being friends with females/ex's again?

 

There is ALWAYS a good reason why he is deciding to surround himself with opposite sex/ex.......and please don't say companionship or friendship. Once there is attraction, it's NOT friendship....and you already know attraction is there due to the fact that they are ex's.

 

Sorry, we will agree to disagree.

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I think if you don't trust your partner to have friends of the opposite sex...how can you trust them to go to work? They might meet someone there. There are people of the opposite sex everywhere. My fiancé might meet a cute girl at the grocery store! I might meet a cute guy at the mechanic!

 

It can get very dramatic if you don't trust your partner.

 

Nothing to do with TRUST. Everything to do with HUMAN NATURE and the fact that it's simply inappropriate/disrespectful towards a relationship.

 

And we are not talking about co workers or people you talk to here and there. We are talking CLOSE friends right? Big difference.

 

Also, there is no perfection. And this applies to TRUST. If you are in a relationship it's your responsibility to NOT get into risky situations, atmosphere or relationships.

 

Think of TRUST as a brick wall with no concrete. At any point and time the brick can be taken out one by one and collapse.

 

It's also a simpl law of nature. Whenever you have 2 members of opposite sex spending time together (especially those that have history of intimacy etc).......feelings will develop and grow.

 

NO HUMAN IS BEYOND NATURE FORCE. And for anyone that thinks that's not true, they are simply not in touch with reality.

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Nothing to do with TRUST. Everything to do with HUMAN NATURE and the fact that it's simply inappropriate/disrespectful towards a relationship.

 

And we are not talking about co workers or people you talk to here and there. We are talking CLOSE friends right? Big difference.

 

Also, there is no perfection. And this applies to TRUST. If you are in a relationship it's your responsibility to NOT get into risky situations, atmosphere or relationships.

 

Think of TRUST as a brick wall with no concrete. At any point and time the brick can be taken out one by one and collapse.

 

It's also a simpl law of nature. Whenever you have 2 members of opposite sex spending time together (especially those that have history of intimacy etc).......feelings will develop and grow.

 

NO HUMAN IS BEYOND NATURE FORCE. And for anyone that thinks that's not true, they are simply not in touch with reality.

 

 

it doesn't matter what you think to be honest about others relationship. You can have your opinion but it doesn't mean its right and others are wrong. If they communicate, set boundaries and see no issue with who they are friends with, then it works for them...Your boundaries are not others..

 

if your way works for you and your wife, good, if another way works for another couple, good.. Nobody is wrong.

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it doesn't matter what you think to be honest about others relationship. You can have your opinion but it doesn't mean its right and others are wrong. If they communicate, set boundaries and see no issue with who they are friends with, then it works for them...Your boundaries are not others..

 

if your way works for you and your wife, good, if another way works for another couple, good.. Nobody is wrong.

 

Sounds good, not saying my way or the highway.

 

Just saying relationships are ALL about minimizing ANY possible risk. Hanging out with Ex is a HUGE risk. Hanging out with opposite sex = risk.

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There's nothing he can do really, he just needs to wait for me to get over it but I don't know how to do that. I care about him and I don't want to ruin this. Please help.

 

I think that meeting her and getting to know her would help this tremendously. You might end up being friends yourselves. Do you hang out with any of his other friends (male or female)? Does he know your friends?

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