How to know what to do after he has lost himself in grief

I met someone new and everything was going really great. Both of us had said we felt this might be "the one", and then he was suddenly bereaved when both parents died within two weeks of each other.

We are slightly long distance, and due to all the various arrangement and things going on in both our lives we did not see each other since this happened. It has been two months now.

For the first 6 or 7 weeks he was fine. Obviously he was upset, but he was getting on with the practical things, supporting siblings, coping with work, arrangements, legal things and despite the newness of our relationship we talked very frequently and he was absolutely sure he wanted to be with me and said he didn't want me to give him any space or anything, he said I was what he wanted and he was sure.

Then the funeral came, and his family all went home and normal life returned and instead of us resuming he just crashed out and has basically pulled completely away from me and everyone and has gone completely into his shell. We hardly talk for the last couple of weeks and he doesn't want to see me or speak to me much and he's talking about completely changing everything - his job, where he lives and his decision process seems just completely erratic and illogical.

Can anyone give me some insight as to whether this is all normal and what I should do?

Can anyone give me some insight as to whether this is all normal and what I should do?

This is completely normal and should be expected. Losing BOTH parents within 2 weeks of each other. I would say to expect him to withdraw for a long long time. He NEEDS time to process it all. The shock. The loss. etc. He needs to go through the entire grieving process and that can take many months, even a year or more. He might want to try grief counseling.

What to do? I would say be there when he needs you. Don't be pushy. Don't nag for his time. It takes patience and caring. Let him know you are there when he needs you. Ask if there is anything you can do for him - if he replies no, nothing, then leave it at that.

Was he living locally to his parents? If so, was he the only one of him and siblings living local to them? I assume his parents were old?

People react differently to grief and I don't think you can call his decision making erratic or illogical just because they are to you. If you actually knew him that might be different. His siblings might be supporting his decisions knowing him better.

For example if he was the only child living locally , perhaps his decision to live and work there were based on his parents being local out of a sense of responsibility to them, close relationship etc.

But without them he has found new options. To follow a dream he hadn't, to be closer to one sibling etc.

In this time, you need to be selfless. Stop worrying about a relationship with him, it's unfair. You can remain in the background with the occasional contact if you think he is worth pursuing.

How recent is your relationship and how much distance?

Thank you all for the responses there.

No he doesn't work where he works due to his parents, the location of the new job makes no sense. Also his reasoning process makes no sense either as a few days ago he was telling me he wanted to downscale and work less hours because life was slipping him by and he wanted to focus on living it, and a few days later he wants a job that is even more hours and involves a lot of travel. So he's contradicting and confusing and it's not just talk, he's actually to,d his boss he wants to leave and is also planning trips for interviews. It just all seems a bit of an odd reaction to me and not very logical. I am not sure why he needs to change jobs when his mind is so unclear.

The relationship is very recent and the distance is about 45 minutes. I am just a little confused really about what is expected of me. Up until a couple of weeks ago I was very clear on things. He explained what he wanted from me, he was in good communication, he said he was very sure about what he felt and wanted and that was for me to be around. Since he's "crashed", he seems to be completely different. He doesn't even speak to me and I have no clue what is going on. It's now been two months since I saw him and I have been patient and all that - but obviously I am very unclear on how long I am supposed to wait, if he even still wants me to wait or if I should be doing something other than being here if he needs me.

I am sorry if it seems so selfish to ask, but this situation is a little more complicated for me emotionally than most people. 3 years ago I lost my Fiance and life partner to a head injury and subsequent severe mental health / personality issues and tried over a very, very long period of time to wait /be patient / encourage him and ultimately I failed and he refused my help and just drifted away from me. He never recovered and lives alone as a different person and that loss and situation has haunted me somewhat.

I felt in meeting this new man that I had actually found someone that I could genuinely be interested in a long term future with, and then suddenly the universe sends all this in my direction and I find myself once again in the situation of someone I care deeply for being beyond my help and not knowing what to do. If what he needs most is for me to back off and leave him alone then I can definitely do that. I am not in a rush to find someone else, and to me, he is worth a fairly long wait if that is required.

My fear really, is feeling like I failed last time when I was in this situation and have always questioned myself whether I did enough and don't want to feel like I did not do enough now. I realise I cannot project one situation onto another situation but it is a little difficult.

I cannot imagine what he is going through, or how he feels, but I can't help feeling like he is pushing everyone away and making huge life decisions when he's not thinking clearly. But also, perhaps this is none of my business.

Unfortunately it sounds like he is pondering his life in general and this relationship isn't fitting in that picture any longer. He may be grieving but shutting you out and fading is a choice he's making that may or may not be related to grieving. Don't contact him unless he contacts you and ask specifically if you are still dating or not.

I met someone new and everything was going really great. Both of us had said we felt this might be "the one", and then he was suddenly bereaved when both parents died within two weeks of each other.

 

We are slightly long distance, and due to all the various arrangement and things going on in both our lives we did not see each other since this happened. It has been two months now.

 

For the first 6 or 7 weeks he was fine. Obviously he was upset, but he was getting on with the practical things, supporting siblings, coping with work, arrangements, legal things and despite the newness of our relationship we talked very frequently and he was absolutely sure he wanted to be with me and said he didn't want me to give him any space or anything, he said I was what he wanted and he was sure.

 

Then the funeral came, and his family all went home and normal life returned and instead of us resuming he just crashed out and has basically pulled completely away from me and everyone and has gone completely into his shell. We hardly talk for the last couple of weeks and he doesn't want to see me or speak to me much and he's talking about completely changing everything - his job, where he lives and his decision process seems just completely erratic and illogical.

 

Can anyone give me some insight as to whether this is all normal and what I should do?

The first few weeks of grief are the easiest - you are too busy with funeral planning, contacting relatives, dealing with probate and property issues, etc - you don't even have time to think. It is after the funeral that the real pain sets in.

All you can do is be there for him. Some people move on with their lives faster than others (that could include a life with you in it). Others, it takes years. It's been over a year for me, and I can't fathom a relationhip.

So yes, it is normal. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except be there for him.