Lost in pain.. the whole relationship a lie..

The facts.. cut all contact over a week ago after he tried to rekindle our relationship. As, it turned out days later, only friends with benefits but he is in europe so I have no hope of seeing him. Quite possibly ever again.

Boyfriend was a musician on world tour with a band. We were very in love.. very serious. So I thought.

Every month he would come stay with me for 1-2 weeks.

Our story:

We met at a show, talked for over a month and then met again. This is where our relationship starts. We slowly fell in love at a distance after that over the next 4 months while he was on tour. We agreed we were exclusive and then bf/gf and waited for when he could come to the states to see me. We talked about our future, marriage.. kids.. I was so very dedicated to him and his actions showed me he was also. We spoke on webcam most days for many months.. texted throughout the day.

The truth:

He suddenly dumped me .. over text.. in the start of April shortly after spending 2 weeks together. After he left I questioned why he seemed always on fb but hardly communicating with me. I cannot even communicate how my heart broke. I barely survived the next few days because of my inability to eat.

In February he had told me one of his Facebook friends (many band groupies) that he talked to was a guy to discover it was a lie. This was the first thread I pulled that unraveled our whole story. This started my sleepless nights.

After the breakup I was contacted and found out the whole time I waited for him he was sleeping with at least one person. He nearly begged me many times to never hurt him or cheat on him because his ex had.

And then it gets worse.. found out after I cut off contact that he had a girlfriend when he first pursued me and we first slept together. I specifically asked him if he was single before we became involved. He went way out of his way lying to me after we met as well. I have NO idea when they broke up. He had told me February 2015.

And then worse, while we were in the last phase of our relationship and spending a significant amount of time each month, he was likely pursuing another girl through texting. He asked her for a relationship shortly after we broke up. He also lied about regular cocaine use while on tour.. so many lies..

Regardless, a week ago he insists he still loves me, misses me, wants to see me again.

I am left absolutely devastated. All of his promises to never hurt me, all the time I struggled to trust him and he said "I don't know what is wrong with you that you can't just trust me" ... why did he deceive me? FOR SO LONG.

And worst of all.. I still love him. I cry at the thought of trying to love somebody else. I am terrified to let anybody touch me. My world is falling down around me and I really can't cope. I do not think he has any idea the incredible pain he has caused me. I do not even know if he is aware that I know about everything.

My heart is really dying in my chest. Why did he pick me? He knew my previous trust issues.. he knew how hard it was for me to even enter the relationship. I never did anything to hurt him... but he knowingly did these things that KILL my faith in people.

God.. I am just so lost..

Stay no contact and just accept that there are liars in this world and he was one of them. Be thankful you didn't waste years and years with him or even worse had children together. You can make a clean break and over time with no contact you'll take off the rose colored glasses and see what a cad he really is.

Why did he pick me? He knew my previous trust issues.. he knew how hard it was for me to even enter the relationship. I never did anything to hurt him... but he knowingly did these things that KILL my faith in people.

These are words every person out there has uttered, after having met a jerk. The sad truth is, you should never expect anyone to care about your trust issues/painful past/other personal hardships, because very few people out there will. The selfish, the cheater, the liar, they will only see it as a green light that you're vulnerable and, like vultures, they will take advantage of it. They won't spare your feelings, they will use whatever weaknesses they know you have to their advantage. Yes, some people are this rotten!

I think too that you should count your blessings that he didn't waste even more of your life, and that your ties with him weren't deeper (marriage, kids, etc).

It won't be easy, recovering from betrayal is a long, tedious process, but you will overcome it and will be fine in the end. Just don't ever let him weasel his way back into your life, because people like him don't change.

I'm sorry you are in such pain. Losing someone is hard enough but to discover they lied is even harder. I would avoid contact with him. Don't let him come back. Right now it hurts like hell and probably will for a while but you will get through it.

These are words every person out there has uttered, after having met a jerk. The sad truth is, you should never expect anyone to care about your trust issues/painful past/other personal hardships, because very few people out there will. The selfish, the cheater, the liar, they will only see it as a green light that you're vulnerable and, like vultures, they will take advantage of it. They won't spare your feelings, they will use whatever weaknesses they know you have to their advantage. Yes, some people are this rotten!

I think too that you should count your blessings that he didn't waste even more of your life, and that your ties with him weren't deeper (marriage, kids, etc).

 

 

It won't be easy, recovering from betrayal is a long, tedious process, but you will overcome it and will be fine in the end. Just don't ever let him weasel his way back into your life, because people like him don't change.

Well said!

You were vulnerable and he knew this and as the kind of person he is, this was perfect for him. Narsasistic personality, where the person thinks of one thing only. Themselves. Your feelings didn't come into it. People like this, will use and sadly abuse and they take no responsibility for their actions and how they will or do affect the person they are doing it to.

I am SOOO! Sorry that you have had experience this kind of betrayal and it will take time for you to recover and that time varies for each individual. You will get through this, I did and came out the other side. Try not to over analyse, as you won't be able to desipher how and why he behaved this way.

Tell yourself this. I am a good person and I deserve someone who will love me for all I am and until that comes along, I will not be looking, nor will I expect it. Instead I will carry on with my life and accept that this has happened and move forward, to a better and more fulfilling future.

I would not go from what you thought was an exclusive relationship to being demoted to just another groupie. NC is best, including no social media views. He's a player, unfortunately. You loved what you thought he was and thought you had.

First off, it's good to see you. It's been a while.

Reading your thread actually made me cry... I am going through a breakup too and even though the circumstances are different I know how you feel... discovering all the lies a person you loved told you is devastating.

I also know how it is not being able to eat and function, etc. I lost ten pounds the first seven days after my breakup.

All I can say is just remind yourself this will pass. I know it sounds really cliche, but that's what I do when I feel absolutely gutted. My breakup happened ten weeks ago and I still cry every day. I still love my ex and miss him terribly, but I am starting to wonder why and starting to see things from a new perspective.

Head high...

Am I hearing everything you guys are saying ... but one thing I struggle with in not contacting him is that I want to say..

"I know about all of the lies. I know Giul** was your girlfriend when we started dating, I know about .."xyz. "Your lies are the only reason we didn't work and were the only source of my unhappiness. You betrayed me and you betrayed us. You hurt me in a way I will never forget. You broke a piece of my heart that will never heal"

MMmm.. now I am crying again.

Oh Cynder I hate to see you in pain, we are all going to be blubbing here. You deserve sooo! Much more. I am glad your still here though. Xx

First off, it's good to see you. It's been a while.

 

Reading your thread actually made me cry... I am going through a breakup too and even though the circumstances are different I know how you feel... discovering all the lies a person you loved told you is devastating.

 

I also know how it is not being able to eat and function, etc. I lost ten pounds the first seven days after my breakup.

 

All I can say is just remind yourself this will pass. I know it sounds really cliche, but that's what I do when I feel absolutely gutted. My breakup happened ten weeks ago and I still cry every day. I still love my ex and miss him terribly, but I am starting to wonder why and starting to see things from a new perspective.

 

Head high...

Am I hearing everything you guys are saying ... but one thing I struggle with in not contacting him is that I want to say..

 

"I know about all of the lies. I know Giul** was your girlfriend when we started dating, I know about .."xyz. "Your lies are the only reason we didn't work and were the only source of my unhappiness. You betrayed me and you betrayed us. You hurt me in a way I will never forget. You broke a piece of my heart that will never heal"

 

MMmm.. now I am crying again.

Nightlilly please don't cry. Oh god now I am crying too. I know how hard it is, not to contact, makes you want to scream out loud, but would it really benefit you if you did. Would he be honest with you, or say what he thinks you want to hear?

...

Would that be a bad this to say to him?

Traveling musicians are not known for monogamy. Sorry you are going through this. But don't have words with him. All he will think is, "Oh, ****, not a lecture!" He doesn't care how you feel. Hold your head high and resist the temptation.

First off, it's good to see you. It's been a while.

 

Reading your thread actually made me cry... I am going through a breakup too and even though the circumstances are different I know how you feel... discovering all the lies a person you loved told you is devastating.

 

I also know how it is not being able to eat and function, etc. I lost ten pounds the first seven days after my breakup.

 

All I can say is just remind yourself this will pass. I know it sounds really cliche, but that's what I do when I feel absolutely gutted. My breakup happened ten weeks ago and I still cry every day. I still love my ex and miss him terribly, but I am starting to wonder why and starting to see things from a new perspective.

 

Head high...

...

 

Would that be a bad this to say to him?

It's the facts, but would it make you feel better?

...

 

Would that be a bad this to say to him?

Based on what you've shared here, I think he would actually enjoy hearing that. But he'd pretend to feel bad just to get another hook in you. So, yeah, it would be a bad thing to say to him.

Based on what you've shared here, I think he would actually enjoy hearing that. But he'd pretend to feel bad just to get another hook in you. So, yeah, it would be a bad thing to say to him.

Why would he enjoy it? ...

It's the facts, but would it make you feel better?

I feel like it might but I really don't know. I feel like the only thing that would help me would be a face to face discussion...

Why would he enjoy it? ...

To put it simply, it's his nature. There are people like that, and he is one. Unfortunately, you make yourself more vulnerable to him by believing that there is a deeper reason for his behavior. Here is a poem that sums it up better than I can:

Siren Song

This is the one song everyone

would like to learn: the song

that is irresistible:

the song that forces men

to leap overboard in squadrons

even though they see the beached skulls

the song nobody knows

because anyone who has heard it

is dead, and the others can't remember.

Shall I tell you the secret

and if I do, will you get me

out of this bird suit?

I don't enjoy it here

squatting on this island

looking picturesque and mythical

with these two feathery maniacs,

I don't enjoy singing

this trio, fatal and valuable.

I will tell the secret to you,

to you, only to you.

Come closer. This song

is a cry for help: Help me!

Only you, only you can,

you are unique

at last. Alas

it is a boring song

but it works every time.

~Margaret Atwood

Girl.

This same thing happened to me, except I spent three years of my life with this guy and I'm still picking up the pieces. I have not been able to live for myself for a long, long time.

My ex-boyfriend and I knew each other from when we were kids but didn't talk for 10+ years. When he recontacted me on FB, he was stationed in Japan (he was Navy). We both ended up in our hometown during my spring break of college my senior year, and he had just returned home from his 2-year tour in Japan. At first, we were very much in love. We spent a heavenly week together before I went back to school and he returned to his duty station in CA. We did long-distance for a while, he flew me to visit him in CA and after I graduated he convinced me to move from FL to CA to be with him, and I did. He did the same exact thing: absolutely BEGGED me to never ever cheat on him because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him (while he was in Japan). Later down the line, I caught him in several lies. He had a POF account (this was 3 years ago, before the time of Tinder). He lied and said it was old from before we started dating seriously which is bull because the profile picture was one I took of him and OUR dog. I made him delete it. Later on down the line still, I found out that he was emailing women on Craigslist (from the "Casual Encounters" section) in between short deployments. I confronted him about that, and he said he didn't do that, he doesn't know anything about it. I still stayed. And even further down the line, when prepping laundry to wash, I was emptying the pockets of his flight suit and found a note pad, in it was a list of "People I ed." Let me enumerate the lies I discovered with this list: 1. when we first slept together, he told me he'd only slept with 10 people ever... that list had over 50, most of them unnamed women from countries he stayed in while docked (they were listed simply as Philippines 1, 2, 3, etc...), to my horror I viewed the last page, and I was not the last name on the list. He told me that he simply "forgot names" and added them to the bottom.

I still stayed, and somewhere down the line he dumped me. I was devastated. Especially since I moved here from FL to be with him (which in hindsight is probably why I stayed with him for so long). I had just lost my job literally a week before he dumped me and he had just gotten out of the Navy. We stayed living together for almost a year, and just recently he decided he wants to get back together. My advice is to just forget this guy and move on. Do not let it affect your ability to trust other people, these guys are serial liars. It doesn't matter how much they love you and want you they will still lie and they will still cheat. Most men aren't like that. Like kbbcoop77 said, be thankful you didn't invest more time in this guy or move in together or something like I did.

You asked why, OP, why would he like that he heard from you? I will tell you why.

There is a certain type of person out there. I have only personally known this person to be male in gender, so I will say, there are MEN out there who are ego-maniacs. Here is how they view relationships with women:

If she's not yet interested in him, she is of interest to his ego.

If she's moved onto to someone else, she is of interest to his ego.

Those are the only 2 states the ego maniac lives in. The problem is, once you enter a relationship of any kind with an ego-maniac, you are no longer of interest to his ego. But once you try to leave, you are once again, of interest to his ego. Note, any other woman is also of interest to his ego. As he goes through life, he accrues many women in both states. In fact, often the same woman gets trapped in the 2nd state after once being in the first, and simultaneously other women are in either of the other two states with the ego maniac as well. Hence all the women....

See the dilemmas? Naturally, this behavior makes the woman feel jealous, angry, betrayed, insecure, and heartbroken, just to name a few results of the disgustingly pathetic behavior of the ego maniac. Importantly, the women wrestle with their own denial as they very slowly (and with repeated painful boomerangs back to the ego maniac) come to the realization there is not and never was, anything "special" between them and the ego maniac. It was all just smoke and mirrors, which is VERY IRONIC because ego maniacs don't actually offer anything to anyone! Once you realize that truth, you will be set free from this nonsense.

Note, ego maniacs cannot love for this reason. They're too preoccupied with a deeper relationship with themselves. They are pathologically selfish and really, shallow, and have nothing of value to offer anyone, ironically. Move on, freeing yourself from a clearly hopeless (to you) situation.

To put it simply, it's his nature. There are people like that, and he is one. Unfortunately, you make yourself more vulnerable to him by believing that there is a deeper reason for his behavior. Here is a poem that sums it up better than I can:

 

Siren Song

 

This is the one song everyone

would like to learn: the song

that is irresistible:

 

the song that forces men

to leap overboard in squadrons

even though they see the beached skulls

 

the song nobody knows

because anyone who has heard it

is dead, and the others can't remember.

 

Shall I tell you the secret

and if I do, will you get me

out of this bird suit?

 

I don't enjoy it here

squatting on this island

looking picturesque and mythical

 

with these two feathery maniacs,

I don't enjoy singing

this trio, fatal and valuable.

 

I will tell the secret to you,

to you, only to you.

Come closer. This song

 

is a cry for help: Help me!

Only you, only you can,

you are unique

 

at last. Alas

it is a boring song

but it works every time.

 

~Margaret Atwood

I don't understand the connection you are drawing between the poem and the situation. It is a nice poem though.

You asked why, OP, why would he like that he heard from you? I will tell you why.

 

There is a certain type of person out there. I have only personally known this person to be male in gender, so I will say, there are MEN out there who are ego-maniacs. Here is how they view relationships with women

 

If she's not yet interested in him, she is of interest to his ego.

If she's moved onto to someone else, she is of interest to his ego.

 

Those are the only 2 states the ego maniac lives in. The problem is, once you enter a relationship of any kind with an ego-maniac, you are no longer of interest to his ego. But once you try to leave, you are once again, of interest to his ego. Note, any other woman is also of interest to his ego. As he goes through life, he accrues many women in both states. In fact, often the same woman gets trapped in the 2nd state after once being in the first, and simultaneously other women are in either of the other two states with the ego maniac as well. Hence all the women....

 

See the dilemmas? Naturally, this behavior makes the woman feel jealous, angry, betrayed, insecure, and heartbroken, just to name a few results of the disgustingly pathetic behavior of the ego maniac. Importantly, the women wrestle with their own denial as they very slowly (and with repeated painful boomerangs back to the ego maniac) come to the realization there is not and never was, anything "special" between them and the ego maniac. It was all just smoke and mirrors, which is VERY IRONIC because ego maniacs don't actually offer anything to anyone! Once you realize that truth, you will be set free from this nonsense.

 

Note, ego maniacs cannot love for this reason. They're too preoccupied with a deeper relationship with themselves. They are pathologically selfish and really, shallow, and have nothing of value to offer anyone, ironically. Move on, freeing yourself from a clearly hopeless (to you) situation.

This kind of makes sense.. except that he was so interested in me for so long. I can see his behavior to some extent though in the way that he will chase what is harder for him to get and maybe take for granted what he has. It is a little hard for me to make sense of things.. he did seem genuinely concerned for my well being. But, I think it is true that he did put his needs above my own on a pretty regular basis. He wouldn't really do things because I wanted them.. like for example, talking on the phone when I wanted to talk with him. He would almost always say "later" or that he was busy. Sort of like.. when we weren't physically together he didn't go much out of way to make me happy. You could say I was giving more than I was getting in return..

But at the same time.. he would cry into the phone not that long ago that he missed me..

Girl.

 

This same thing happened to me, except I spent three years of my life with this guy and I'm still picking up the pieces. I have not been able to live for myself for a long, long time.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I knew each other from when we were kids but didn't talk for 10+ years. When he recontacted me on FB, he was stationed in Japan (he was Navy). We both ended up in our hometown during my spring break of college my senior year, and he had just returned home from his 2-year tour in Japan. At first, we were very much in love. We spent a heavenly week together before I went back to school and he returned to his duty station in CA. We did long-distance for a while, he flew me to visit him in CA and after I graduated he convinced me to move from FL to CA to be with him, and I did. He did the same exact thing: absolutely BEGGED me to never ever cheat on him because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him (while he was in Japan). Later down the line, I caught him in several lies. He had a POF account (this was 3 years ago, before the time of Tinder). He lied and said it was old from before we started dating seriously which is bull because the profile picture was one I took of him and OUR dog. I made him delete it. Later on down the line still, I found out that he was emailing women on Craigslist (from the "Casual Encounters" section) in between short deployments. I confronted him about that, and he said he didn't do that, he doesn't know anything about it. I still stayed. And even further down the line, when prepping laundry to wash, I was emptying the pockets of his flight suit and found a note pad, in it was a list of "People I ed." Let me enumerate the lies I discovered with this list: 1. when we first slept together, he told me he'd only slept with 10 people ever... that list had over 50, most of them unnamed women from countries he stayed in while docked (they were listed simply as Philippines 1, 2, 3, etc...), to my horror I viewed the last page, and I was not the last name on the list. He told me that he simply "forgot names" and added them to the bottom.

 

I still stayed, and somewhere down the line he dumped me. I was devastated. Especially since I moved here from FL to be with him (which in hindsight is probably why I stayed with him for so long). I had just lost my job literally a week before he dumped me and he had just gotten out of the Navy. We stayed living together for almost a year, and just recently he decided he wants to get back together. My advice is to just forget this guy and move on. Do not let it affect your ability to trust other people, these guys are serial liars. It doesn't matter how much they love you and want you they will still lie and they will still cheat. Most men aren't like that. Like kbbcoop77 said, be thankful you didn't invest more time in this guy or move in together or something like I did.

this sounds like another stereotype tale. I have heard about these things from Navy guys.. also musicians. But mine really worked hard to convince me that he wasn't the type with an interest in other girls or groupies. I wonder why he did all of that when I offered an open relationship since we were far apart.. .. I told him I just wanted a genuine connection with somebody. I really don't get that.

Why did you stay after you saw all of the names? Did you ever talk to him about it?

Why would he enjoy it? ...

 

 

 

I feel like it might but I really don't know. I feel like the only thing that would help me would be a face to face discussion...

Sadly I feel for your sake, leave him to get on with it and find his next victim. I'm SOOO! Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you know deep in your heart, that if he had at all really cared for you, he would never have treated you this way. You deserve someone who will love you for all ,of who and what you are and I know you still love him and your world is coming undone, but if you need see him, the words you would hear, would be excuses and not truths.

Karma! It is something I truly believe in and it almost always comes to bite back, those who treat others in cruelty. One day someone will probably do the same thing to him and then he will know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of betrayal. Only then, will he understand the pain he has caused.

You will get through this, I promise you. Wish I could take this away as I really feel your pain.

Christina x

I'm sorry for your pain.

Two thoughts, I would not really advise dating a musician or anyone who is constantly gone/basically long distance from the get go. It seems like a lot of fantasy building.

Second, you said he knew about your trust issues. Having a lot of trust issues is a really big flag that you can attract someone who can smell you are an easy target.

I would strongly recommend that you focus on healing from this and learning to work through trust issues perhaps with a therapist.

There's nothing to gain with contacting him. You'll feel better in the short term hearing his voice and feeling close to him, but after it's over what did you really gain? Getting over a breakup is similar to drug addiction. Your brain is becomes wired a certain way when you are in a relationship. Certain hormones and neurotransmitters are released. When this is all taken away, your brain and body goes through a withdrawal and the only "fix" is them and after a break-up, 99% of the time it's temporary when you do get it.

When you yearn for him, stop and ask yourself why. He's still the same person. He's still a liar and a cheat. Nothing changed. The only thing that changed was his position in your life. Now he's above you on a pedestal. After we lose someone, they suddenly become perfect in our minds. We remember the good and not the bad, and if we do remember the bad, for some reason our brain says "well, ya there was that time...but there was so much more good when in all actuality you're fooling yourself and using revisionist thinking.

Sadly I feel for your sake, leave him to get on with it and find his next victim. I'm SOOO! Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you know deep in your heart, that if he had at all really cared for you, he would never have treated you this way. You deserve someone who will love you for all ,of who and what you are and I know you still love him and your world is coming undone, but if you need see him, the words you would hear, would be excuses and not truths.

 

Karma! It is something I truly believe in and it almost always comes to bite back, those who treat others in cruelty. One day someone will probably do the same thing to him and then he will know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of betrayal. Only then, will he understand the pain he has caused.

 

You will get through this, I promise you. Wish I could take this away as I really feel your pain.

 

Christina x

What if he treats the next one right? ... Why did i stop being special to him?

He DID have this happen to him before so he already knows how much it hurts! I wonder if even that was true.. I think so. He seemed genuinely angry over it.

I had a sex dream about him. I really nearly wanted to contact him and go see him again .. I am angry at myself. I am angry at him. This sucks.

What if he treats the next one right? ... Why did i stop being special to him?

 

He DID have this happen to him before so he already knows how much it hurts! I wonder if even that was true.. I think so. He seemed genuinely angry over it.

 

 

 

I had a sex dream about him. I really nearly wanted to contact him and go see him again .. I am angry at myself. I am angry at him. This sucks.

David Bowie, now deceased, had a great and faithful 25 year relationship with his second wife until he died. But this was after 20/25 years of sleeping around and doing drugs. No one really knows if and when someone will grow up. He basically said it was a decision on his part.

It is not worth it for you to wonder if and when he will grow up. That could be 20 years from now!

My ex called me from the road to tell me he missed me and wished I was there with him. This was only hours after he'd spent the night with another woman (his nephew's girlfriend, no less).

Some people are capable of caring only about what they want. They act caring toward others only if it benefits them in some way. And yes, it is an act.

My ex still lies and cheats and hides things from his current girlfriend (the one who was with him the night of the phone call). He tries to sleep with me still.

So, doubtful he will "change" as long as he continues to get what he wants from people.