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Is this just "The 21st Century Woman?"


mft3891

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For the past 5 years, every woman I've dated (ages 25-32 we'll say) has had to stress to me immediately, before anything gets going, that they are very busy and cool. Not busy and can't hang out, rather, "I want to hang out but I'm sooo busy" and will try to squeeze me in. I don't reward this behavior or comply, I'm just trying to understand if there was a Cosmopolitan article that told women to act this way from now on. Examples of what they're so busy doing are randomly attending a kickboxing class one time and never going again (but telling everyone about it and obviously filling social media with photos).

 

One woman that just sent me her number today on okcupid, we communicated 2-3x back and forth, had to stress that she's busy this Monday-Thurs, then out of town, blah blah blah. I started laughing immediately bc she doesn't even know me and I'm still getting this I'm so busy and important crap.

 

I could understand if I was needy and clingy but this is all before they even know me and before I've put any level of pursuit in besides getting their phone number. Bizarre.

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Well a "21st Century Woman" will have no problem to initiate conversation, ask you out on a date and make time to talk to you if she is actually not busy. And trust me if someone says, that he/she is busy, then it actually may be the case. Not that this person is avoiding you. And if interested, that person will definitely take out time to talk.

 

Easy remedy: Stop over thinking that you are clingy and all that. If you like her, initiate contact without keeping any count of who contacted first, who's busy......and so on. If she is interested she will respond, if not you'll find someone better. She doesn't deserve your time.

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I don't think it's a 21 century anything. I do think some people try to make their lives sound fuller and more interesting than it is on online dating profiles (and in messages) in an attempt to maybe seem more attractive to others. It's like if you said you're staying home to watch tv shows and got nothing planned for the weekend, you're a "loser". And some people fear being seen that way.

 

If these "busyness" came about only when you asked them to meet, it's likely just code for "I'm not interested in meeting you".

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Not busy and can't hang out, rather, "I want to hang out but I'm sooo busy" and will try to squeeze me in. I don't reward this behavior or comply, I'm just trying to understand if there was a Cosmopolitan article that told women to act this way from now on.

 

From my perspective as a single woman, I have regular commitments in my life such as going to the gym, going to parties, spending time with friends, dance classes, etc... Being that I'm single, sitting at home and waiting on a guy to come to my door just isn't going to happen. So I have a busy life where I can try to meet men or fitness classes to look good. In the midst of this, if I do meet a guy online, I have to squeeze him in somewhere. Overtime, a boyfriend would get more priority, but trying to schedule a meetup at first can be challenging.

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I think you are judging what others are stating as a matter of fact.

 

I'm so busy... I never say that, actually. But in point of fact, it will three weeks between availability for me and my Cutie to see each other. We both have obligations.

 

It's just fact. Stop judging it and you'll move right through it.

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One woman that just sent me her number today on okcupid, we communicated 2-3x back and forth, had to stress that she's busy this Monday-Thurs, then out of town, blah blah blah. I started laughing immediately bc she doesn't even know me and I'm still getting this I'm so busy and important crap.

 

Eh, what if she is busy and important? For example, I'm a scientist and i have experiments (and my schedule!!) planned out a few weeks in advance. Particularly experiments in which I have to work with other people, or I know I will be getting a tissue or blood sample that day so I can't really say to a guy, "eh, I'm busy on that day, but I'll make time for you that night" because I really can't. I can say though, "Not this Friday, but next Friday I'm available."

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It's like if you said you're staying home to watch tv shows and got nothing planned for the weekend, you're a "loser". And some people fear being seen that way.

 

Great point. I genuinely enjoy the company of women and read a bit about this "busy trap" where newer generations of women (AND men) are becoming increasingly insecure and cope with this by occupying their time compulsively (to avoid feelings of dread). I hope that's not becoming common.

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From my perspective as a single woman, I have regular commitments in my life such as going to the gym, going to parties, spending time with friends, dance classes, etc... Being that I'm single, sitting at home and waiting on a guy to come to my door just isn't going to happen. So I have a busy life where I can try to meet men or fitness classes to look good. In the midst of this, if I do meet a guy online, I have to squeeze him in somewhere. Overtime, a boyfriend would get more priority, but trying to schedule a meetup at first can be challenging.

 

Thanks a lot for this. Some of the other replies on here misunderstood my initial post as the typical "I'm busy" shutdown when a woman isn't interested. That's not what I'm referring to. I'll try to keep what you said here (and your other post) in mind bc it's positive and fair.

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If these "busyness" came about only when you asked them to meet, it's likely just code for "I'm not interested in meeting you".

Yep, that's what my gut is telling me too. "Soooo busy" is the new way of saying, "sorry, not interested" (imo). They think it sounds like the "perfect" excuse.

I have no doubt that there certainly are some people with very busy lives and are genuine, but the vast majority? ...I'm not so sure.

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Well, if she is indeed busy, but interested, she would say "How about Friday night?" instead of "oh, I am so busy Mon-Thrus" or say "Hey, i've got a business trip I am getting ready for. How about we meet next Friday? In the meantime if you want to come on the X side of town because I work near there and get a quick coffee at lunch time, I'm game"

 

But really - if she has never met you - it would be lack of boundaries if she cleared her entire calendar for you. I think your best bet is to make an assessment after the first actual date. When a woman or man is interested, they might have plans booked heavy for the next few weeks that were booked before you met, but they will gradually work you more into the rotation.

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For the past 5 years, every woman I've dated (ages 25-32 we'll say) has had to stress to me immediately, before anything gets going, that they are very busy and cool. Not busy and can't hang out, rather, "I want to hang out but I'm sooo busy" and will try to squeeze me in. I don't reward this behavior or comply, I'm just trying to understand if there was a Cosmopolitan article that told women to act this way from now on. Examples of what they're so busy doing are randomly attending a kickboxing class one time and never going again (but telling everyone about it and obviously filling social media with photos).

 

One woman that just sent me her number today on okcupid, we communicated 2-3x back and forth, had to stress that she's busy this Monday-Thurs, then out of town, blah blah blah. I started laughing immediately bc she doesn't even know me and I'm still getting this I'm so busy and important crap.

 

I could understand if I was needy and clingy but this is all before they even know me and before I've put any level of pursuit in besides getting their phone number. Bizarre.

 

If I tell a man I am too busy to meet until a certain date in the not too distant future I am letting him know that I actually want to meet but can't do so straight away as I have legitimate plans. I'm not avoiding meeting or blowing him off, I just have sh*t to do.

 

What's so strange about people who have a life? Don't you? I'd be extremely put off meeting someone if they said they were free to meet whenever.

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If I tell a man I am too busy to meet until a certain date in the not too distant future I am letting him know that I actually want to meet but can't do so straight away as I have legitimate plans. I'm not avoiding meeting or blowing him off, I just have sh*t to do.

 

What's so strange about people who have a life? Don't you? I'd be extremely put off meeting someone if they said they were free to meet whenever.

 

Thanks for the perspective, that's really what I was hoping for with this post and your comments helped a lot.

 

Pretty normal for the two most common reactions to my post to be misinterpreted as the typical "I'm busy" code for not interested or that I'm complaining these women have lives. Filling up every second of your life with something (half of which is just hedonism) should not be the goal. However, current advertising in the U.S. would like us all to think we're inferior men/women if we don't (as well as not buying their products), so I can't blame the average individual. The powers that be make it hard to be happy because you can't influence happy people so well. Side rant over.

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People who want to make time for you will. It's not about "modern women" or anything else. Psst, everyone has some downtime, just varies a bit from person to person. She just doesn't want to spend hers on you and she's hoping to let you down easy with the "I'm busy!".

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Some people "overbook" themselves as a way of keeping everyone at arms' length. It's an easy way to avoid intimacy when you're always on the go.

 

That's a great way to simplify I think. Seems more and more young people are keeping intimacy at arms' length as you say. Shame.

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Some people "overbook" themselves as a way of keeping everyone at arms' length. It's an easy way to avoid intimacy when you're always on the go.

 

Guilty as charged! If somebody wants to date you they will suggest an alternative date or if you can't make an alternative date then they might suggest something else.

 

I suggested I call a guy I'm dating between our first and second date (a week apart) as I wanted to ensure he knows I am interested even if I'm not entirely on board with meeting up very often yet.

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Thanks for the perspective, that's really what I was hoping for with this post and your comments helped a lot.

 

Pretty normal for the two most common reactions to my post to be misinterpreted as the typical "I'm busy" code for not interested or that I'm complaining these women have lives. Filling up every second of your life with something (half of which is just hedonism) should not be the goal. However, current advertising in the U.S. would like us all to think we're inferior men/women if we don't (as well as not buying their products), so I can't blame the average individual. The powers that be make it hard to be happy because you can't influence happy people so well. Side rant over.

 

I think we are encouraged to be independent and not to cling etc. I don't think it's terrible if you can only see each other once or twice a week briefly until you get to know each other well. If somebody is telling you they are fully booked for weeks on end then I think they're disinterested.

 

You might also get a different response depending on how early you exchange numbers, what recommendations you make for a date, how "aggressive" you are in your pursuit . . .

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I could understand if I was needy and clingy but this is all before they even know me and before I've put any level of pursuit in besides getting their phone number. Bizarre.

 

But it would be understandable if they dropped everything to fit someone they don't even know in?

 

Generally I'm busy = I'm not interested. It's the update of I'm washing my hair.

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But it would be understandable if they dropped everything to fit someone they don't even know in?

 

Generally I'm busy = I'm not interested. It's the update of I'm washing my hair.

 

So those are the two options? And I must mean the opposite extreme?

 

I'm thankful for this site but you can't go through any post on here without finding people (probably the same ones) that half read posts bc they live to write "She's not interested man" over and over to people. Egos need feeding.

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For what it's worth, I think it's rather lame to brush someone off in that way.

A simple suggestion for a day to meet, or a 'thank you, but I'm not interested' isn't hard to do and especially when it's online!! Jeez.

 

Maybe it's the women you tend to be attracted to? I'm not putting it all on you, but I do know a lot of people who are more direct...odd to me you haven't come across at least a few of them!

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For what it's worth, I think it's rather lame to brush someone off in that way.

A simple suggestion for a day to meet, or a 'thank you, but I'm not interested' isn't hard to do and especially when it's online!! Jeez.

 

Maybe it's the women you tend to be attracted to? I'm not putting it all on you, but I do know a lot of people who are more direct...odd to me you haven't come across at least a few of them!

 

I know it...I just keep that part of my brain off bc there's a game that's played and either you play it or you lose. It's very popular to write trendy blogs and articles about how everyone is sick of the game but they all keep playing it.

 

I'm the first to put it all on me so don't worry. I'd wonder more about if it was the women I'm attracted to but all the men I've known in life have dated and married women that are self-absorbed and insensitive (like a stereotypical guy actually). Maybe it's a NYC/Boston/DC thing.

 

Really don't know where attractive, sensitive, mature, kind women exist and I'm not saying that as categorization of women. I'm saying it like...I really don't know WHERE they are. They must be somewhere. People talk and write about them all the time. They're unicorns in my world.

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Some people "overbook" themselves as a way of keeping everyone at arms' length. It's an easy way to avoid intimacy when you're always on the go.

 

This may be very true..but there is no way of knowing if this is really the case with individual people you contact. I think it would be a bad idea to generalize an entire generation of people as being intimacy-avoidant whenever they can't pencil you in for a date in a timely manner (based on your own terms). When I met my BF, it took two weeks to schedule a meet-up because he was in the midst of a company-wide inventory count at his work, and I was doing a 30 day fitness challenge for a charity. During that first month, it was really hard to see each other, because we were busy and important.

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