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Dating after working in the sex industry


anon1111

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Hey all, I'm coming out of a difficult time in my life where i worked as a sex worker. I just wanted some opinions on how to handle this when I begin dating again. Should I definitely reveal my past or consider keeping it a secret? How long should I wait to tell someone I'm dating? And basically, have I blown my chances with every half decent guy out there?

 

I should point out that I didn't enjoy it, didn't do drugs, was always safe and have a college education. I did it because I was in a really bad situation, but I admit I did stay longer than I needed to to make some extra money.

 

Will it be possible for a man to see past my "number"? I'm also worried about trusting someone with this information because they could always turn around and tell people to get revenge if things don't end well.

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Honestly? You're at a disadvantage, but you're fine...

 

Yes, guys will immediately disqualify you...

 

Personally, I would, too...

 

But I also understand that for most women prostitution is just a job... It's not about addiction or desperation, and if you've kept yourself clean this long, you're probably in the minority that practices safely and has a high level of self-respect...

 

Personally I'm not willing to date an ex-prostitute because I have to look out for myself, and I'm not willing to take someone's word when my health is concerned... Especially not when I have other options....

 

Nevermind the stigma factor...

 

At the same time, you're responsible for how you conduct yourself, and my opinion isn't universal....

 

There's plenty of ex-prostitutes who manage to settle down with steady families.

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It is up to you what YOU choose to disclose about yourself. Judgment is a terrible thing in relationships and really I don't know why you chose to do what you did and really what does it matter if I understand or not? When you meet someone you feel safe with and can be yourself with you may naturally feel that disclosing your profession of the past is the wise thing to do.

 

If you are comfortable with your past then you don't need approval from anyone. You are who you are and that is more than enough. No need to worry about anyone else and what they think. You do you boo boo.

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1. See yourself as your future, not your past.

2. The more you do #1, the less relevant your past will be.

3. Don't be afraid to share it, but don't disrespect yourself by sharing delicate information with someone who won't understand it properly. If you feel vulnerable about sharing it, then don't. You are under no obligation to share it in any way.

4. Own yourself. Without apology.

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This is not first meet material. At some point when trust is there and before intimacy you will have to come clean. You do not have to go into great detail, just the honesty part.

 

Some guys wont mind it.

 

I'd suggest telling people that once you both get to know each other more and before having sex, that way they wont see you just as fun.

 

Why before having sex? It's not even relevant to her current sex life. No health issues, nothing other than whatever is in her brain, and what's in her brain is her private business.

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This is not first meet material. At some point when trust is there and before intimacy you will have to come clean. You do not have to go into great detail, just the honesty part.

 

Why before having sex? It's not even relevant to her current sex life. No health issues, nothing other than whatever is in her brain, and what's in her brain is her private business.

 

Actually, this is starting to tick me off.

 

When I have sex with a guy like hell am I going to tell him about who what how and how often I've had sex previously. It is nobody's business but my own.

 

Same goes here.

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It's not about past sexual history. It's not about body counts. It's not about STDs. It's about deception. How involved emotionally would you want to be with a guy who much later on says "by the way I worked in the sex industry"? So be being forthcoming somewhat early on the OP can protect herself from those who would be shocked or not accepting of someones former occupation.

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My advice is you date like everyone else out there. You see if the first few dates are going to lead anywhere, and in the meantime you get to know the guy. If he seems a decent sort, there are no clear red flags, it starts to look serious then you can do what everyone else does and pull out the darker side of your life.

 

And in the meantime it's no one's business what you did. Revealing it too soon, and to people you don't know, is likely going to open you up to every guy out there looking for a fast lay who will then take that information as a reason to try harder to get in your pants. And some may use it to manipulate you or judge you before you've even had a chance to get to know the guy and whether or not he's someone who could be trusted to begin with.

 

Make someone prove to you they can be trusted, let them earn your trust, then share that part of your past life if you feel you need to. And yes, expect to be judged by some, but never stop moving forward and rebuilding your life. Those who truly love you will find their way to you if you carefully pick and choose who is allowed into your life before you start sharing the more intimate details of your past.

 

I say this as someone who once worked in women's shelter and a fair share of our clientele were sex workers or those who were trying to get out of that lifestyle. It is possible to date and find people who won't judge you for it, but do realize you need trust before something like this should be told to someone. And if they judge you for it after all that, walk away because the person has proven they are not worth your love.

 

Good luck, stay strong, never look back.

 

P.S. When I was dating for the first several dates anyways I would think of the person I was dating in the same way I would think of meeting a new coworker at a new job. If it wasn't something I'd happily tell a boss or reveal to a coworker I'd just met I sure wasn't going to say it to a guy I'd just started to date. And I was a single mom too, no one got near my kids for a solid six months. Treat your past with that same kind of care, you should see red flags before that time if the guy is extremely judgmental or insecure or the type to want to lump people into little boxes instead of just seeing each person for themselves fully.

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Actually, this is starting to tick me off.

 

When I have sex with a guy like hell am I going to tell him about who what how and how often I've had sex previously. It is nobody's business but my own.

 

Same goes here.

 

I have to disagree. There are some things that a partner is not entitled to know about your past. This is not one of those things. It's relevant to whether or not they would want to proceed with the relationship.

 

I'd say the same to a man if he was a male prostitute.

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I went on a date, a first meet, with a man who neglected to tell me his business partners were, generally, convicted felons. They all work together in a high power political business that sounds, on its face, worthy of respect.

 

That was something I learned on my own, an I dropped him cold despite him having just spent 600 bucks on tickets for a major sporting event for our next meet.

 

That wasn't his past. It was his past and present, and it pointed me toward his future.

 

This woman- there is nothing about her past that has anything to do with her present or her future, except that it helped shape her into who she is now - a survivor, a fighter, a scrapper. Someone who is never going to count herself out of the race.

 

And she is supposed to treat her past with shame, and offer it up for people to judge? What a heap. Do we ask graduates of other professions to subject themselves to others like that? Do we require people to disclose "I used to live 100% on government support "? How about, I used to be a hired sniper?

 

Before she gives someone the opportunity to assume what her work was like, and to assume what it means about her, and to assume that he'll never get past it, why don't we give the poor fella a chance at understanding first. Let him know who she is, see what she's about, measure her character. Then, maybe, he deserves to know the path she was able to find to get here.

 

To suggest that she let herself be judged by her former profession is to advise she invite others to throw her into a heap of stereotypes. That objectifies her as a sex tRade worker, as if it defines who she is. Its in her past. She is a human with a story. None of us have walked a straight line. And any of you without struggle, I pity you. For how else do you know your strength?

 

So let's see. Her job bothers some of you, so she must disclose it early. Ok, fine. The way boys behaved in college; like as not, many would trigger my hot buttons if I knew how aggressive these men were back then. Should they have to disclose if they ever got someone pregnant? Had sex with a drunk woman? Said "I love you" to get laid?

 

She is under no obligation to disclose, and is wise to wait until she feels safe to do so.

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This is not first meet material. At some point when trust is there and before intimacy you will have to come clean. You do not have to go into great detail, just the honesty part.

 

I have to disagree. There are some things that a partner is not entitled to know about your past. This is not one of those things. It's relevant to whether or not they would want to proceed with the relationship.

 

I'd say the same to a man if he was a male prostitute.

 

Ha, when, when we are getting married? Ok, sometime between dating and marriags. Not because he is entitled. Because I want to feel comfortable that he knows me and that I've nothing to hide.

 

Entitled? No.

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Honestly, firstly, if you want to shake your past, be sure that you don't have sex with men you just meet or that you are not exclusive with. Take things slow if you want a relationship and not just a date.

 

Why before having sex? It's not even relevant to her current sex life. No health issues, nothing other than whatever is in her brain, and what's in her brain is her private business.

 

Well - I think that before you have sex, you should have a good view of your new boyfriends/girlfriend's view of sex - do they view sex as something that is just a physical exchange, do they only have sex when they are exclusive, do they only have sex when they are not only exclusive, but in love, or when they are engaged? Some people consider sex sacred and will not knowingly be with a person who has not treated as such. A guy really deserves to know.

 

No, number of partners are nobody's business. But I sure as heck would want to know if my guy's style is to only have sex with someone he was deeply in love with (and I am a big girl, so if that number includes more than me, okay), or if he believed that sex was something necessary before dating to see if it was good or not, etc. Or it had just been a job.

 

I also would need to know if there is any chance we could be walking down the street and he is recognized by someone as Guy #2 in Pizza Delivery Guy Makes Three or Bobby does Boston.

 

I don't think this is going to be a hindrance to casual (non sex) dating. There are plenty of guys you will likely weed out on the first or second date because that is how dating goes. But as far as what more to reveal and when, If this was recent - you just got out of the adult industry 3 months ago, you must tell. If it was 15 years ago - when you get really close to a guy and there had since been a spiritual transformation or other reason that you did a 180 back then - then that might be something only when deeper into the relationship.

 

I am assuming you want to meet high caliber men and aren't looking to meet men that boast that they date strippers, etc. That is what this advice is directed towards.

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I disagree.

 

Who I slept with in my past, and why, is not necessarily indicative of my value systems today.

 

I have slept with someone before you, so yeah, somebody might see us out and recognize me, and that someone might be some one I had sex with. Or, it might the guy who works at my dry cleaners. Who cares?

 

Yes, go slow. Make it clear through your actions that sex is reserved for a serious monogamous relationship. It is a good practice in general, but in OP's case, a counterbalance necessary for her credibility.

 

Yes, discuss, share, and live your values.

 

None of this means you have to disclose, until you are ready. Nobody owns you nor deserves the right to judge you.

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ON PAPER, whether or not you divulge you were a sex worker would be just as much or little a consideration as whether you chose to divulge any other job you've had in the past. The only sexual aspects that I feel should be shared prior to sex would be 1) STDs and 2) if you're a virgin, albeit the latter being more of a courtesy than obligation.

 

That said, the fact of the matter is there's a heavy stigma when it comes to dating former sex workers, female or male. It may be in your best interests to share if for no other reason than avoiding the possibility of wasting 4 or 5 months dating someone only for them to find out about it and dump you.

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LOL....get him good and emotionally invested and then tell him something you know he's likely to have a difficult time with. Nice. OP would likely create less heartache for herself and others by just putting it out there pretty quickly and letting it drive away the people who are for sure not going to be able to handle it.

 

Hiding it is going to make it a bigger deal when a guy she's been dating finds out about it......especially if he finds out in some way other than from her directly.

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LOL....get him good and emotionally invested and then tell him something you know he's likely to have a difficult time with. Nice. OP would likely create less heartache for herself and others by just putting it out there pretty quickly and letting it drive away the people who are for sure not going to be able to handle it.

 

Hiding it is going to make it a bigger deal when a guy she's been dating finds out about it......especially if he finds out in some way other than from her directly.

 

She can sniff those people out through other ways. It's easier to understand someone's choices once you understand who they are now. Pretty much nobody says, oh yay, an ex con! An ex sex worker! An ex drug dealer! But once we know the person, we understand the past in context.

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Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement ParisPaulette and IThinkICan. I think I'll look back at this one day in the future to remind myself of what I need to be looking for before I confide in someone about this. I've always been an oversharer.

 

My views on sex are probably the same as they were before, I don't have a moral objection to the exchange of sex for money. It's a fair transaction. And since I've experienced it I can tell you it feels a lot worse to be led on by someone you like, which is more dishonest and yet far more acceptable.

 

So its fine for someone else. Not me.

 

These days I notice all the references to prostitutes on tv and the jokes that people make, and it just sucks. It would be hard for a guy to listen to a friend's joke about something like that and think of me. And I completely get why it would be difficult to accept, before I did this I wouldn't have understood either.

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Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement ParisPaulette and IThinkICan. I think I'll look back at this one day in the future to remind myself of what I need to be looking for before I confide in someone about this. I've always been an oversharer.

 

My views on sex are probably the same as they were before, I don't have a moral objection to the exchange of sex for money. It's a fair transaction. And since I've experienced it I can tell you it feels a lot worse to be led on by someone you like, which is more dishonest and yet far more acceptable.

 

So its fine for someone else. Not me.

 

These days I notice all the references to prostitutes on tv and the jokes that people make, and it just sucks. It would be hard for a guy to listen to a friend's joke about something like that and think of me. And I completely get why it would be difficult to accept, before I did this I wouldn't have understood either.

 

I think its important to decide how that works within the bounds of a relationship. Its one thing to have the philosphical view that you have no problem with people exchanging money for sex in the hypothetical - but how exactly does that work if you have a boyfriend? I am not saying you would continue to prostitute or escort at all - but Does that mean that sex doesn't mean anything emotional to you? If that is the case, then there are some guys who will not be for you if they only have sex when they have really fallen for someone. Its not so much the sex you have had, but if you find a guy who has a compatible view as you do. And THAT part is something that should be discussed - otherwise if you are quick to have sex - or if you are not so quick but it isn't attached to emotion for you - you could end up breaking a heart, as your actions could be misconstrued by him if the guy falls hard and you don't..

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I think its important to decide how that works within the bounds of a relationship. Its one thing to have the philosphical view that you have no problem with people exchanging money for sex in the hypothetical - but how exactly does that work if you have a boyfriend? I am not saying you would continue to prostitute or escort at all - but Does that mean that sex doesn't mean anything emotional to you? If that is the case, then there are some guys who will not be for you if they only have sex when they have really fallen for someone. Its not so much the sex you have had, but if you find a guy who has a compatible view as you do. And THAT part is something that should be discussed - otherwise if you are quick to have sex - or if you are not so quick but it isn't attached to emotion for you - you could end up breaking a heart, as your actions could be misconstrued by him if the guy falls hard and you don't..

 

The reason I said it isn't for me is that I am too emotional and want a real connection with someone. So my actions weren't in line with the way I feel which is why it was pretty soul destroying after a while. When guys always like the fake you, with your fake name, fake happiness, and fake interest in them it weighs on your self esteem, and you wonder if the real you is worth anything at all. So I just need to work on building my confidence again and hopefully finding a guy with similar values and an open mind. I'm just not sure how difficult that will be...

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I wouldn't bring it up on a first or second or even third date, for sure. Just like I wouldn't tell a guy I just met something like, 'my father is in jail' or 'my mum has cancer'. But if I wanted to keep dating someone and he seemed to want the same, I would definitely talk to him about it.

Normally, I don't advise people to talk about their past when it doesn't concern the present/future but in this case:

a/ we live in a small world and I wouldn't want to risk him finding out on his own

b/ I'd want to know his views on the subject..if he was the sort of person who found what I've done 'inexcusable' I'd like to know sooner rather than later

 

All in all, there are men out there who can appreciate honesty, see past the surface, love you for who you are and not judge you...I'm sure you can find a man like that

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Do you think bringing up the topic in a conversation would be a good way to check someone's views. Eg "I saw this documentary about such and such" or "my friend is thinking about this". And if he says something really scathing, move on?

 

No, I wouldn't do this type of probing, because when a subject is discussed just in general, people tend to be more judgemental, than when they deal with a situation on a personal level. To give you an example, I'm weary of a certain culture and if you ask me what I think of it, I most probably would be criticizing. At the same time due to circumstances I got to know a person from that same culture that I have a good deal a respect for, because during the time we worked together he demonstrated admirable qualities. Which in his case, made me override my general negative opinion on his cultural background and look at him as individual, not just like a representative of his milieu.

 

OP, for a person who is dating an ex sex worker, the most important question would be not so much what you did in the past, but would you do it again in the present/future if you run out of money again? Have you thought of alternatives in case you become short on cash again? Because this may happen. This would be my first question after your disclosure. And yes, I do think you owe this information to a man who is invested in you, but before you two get too serious. A man need to know this piece of info.

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