Do I need to get out of this?

I've been in a relationship for nearly a year but there's been some problems along the way. My significant other has been going through the final stages of divorce and has felt really rejected by what's happened in her past. She had a husband that never forgave her and was always bitter towards her, and they tried everything but he wouldn't let go of those pasts hurts. Now that same pattern of never letting go is being turned towards me and when I make a mistake she now "tallies" it with all the other mistakes I've made (she rambles off to me the list, although we've talked through all the other issues and have moved on from them). i feel detached from my family and friends because I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends, and I'm having less and less time with my family. Is my girlfriend being controlling? Do I need to end this relationship? How do I get out of it? I'm a kind man, so I don't want to hurt her but I feel sad and irritated by all of this because it isn't fair to me that she always holds my past mistakes over my head. What do I do??

Simple answer is leave. This relationship is not healthy and it seems she is actively starting to isolate you from friends, family and support. It basically has the classic signs of the early stages of an abusive relationship. Keep in mind that abuse is not just physical, mental & emotional abuse in many respects is much more damaging.

 

Basically, either she was the problem in her previous relationship and did a good job of projecting her issues onto her ex or she is doing what can happen where someone who has been abused or mistreated then turns into the abuser in their later relationships. Either way, it really doesn't matter because you can't help her or fix her. Only she can fix herself, assuming that she even wants to or sees her behavior as a problem. What matters here and now is that you need to get out of this before you get destroyed.

Yes she is unfortunately displacing things on you that she has never deal with. It sounds like you're taking the hit for all the anger she has about her divorce and toward her husband. Honestly, all you can do is get out of the line of fire until she gets a handle on this. Tell her she needs to sort this out with her soon-ex and therapy, but in the mean-time you will go NC rather than be her punching bag.

I've been in a relationship for nearly a year. My significant other has been going through the final stages of divorce. Now that same pattern of never letting go is being turned towards me.

This is one of the consequences of getting involved with a person who is still married, and going through a divorce, (imo). She still has the road to recovery well ahead of her, and is simply in no position to be in a relationship.

 

Either way, it's either pay now or pay later...

It's toxic!

 

Never get involved with someone who is still married. I would also be cautionary to involve myself with anyone, who had not been divorced several years.

 

She is manipulative and controlling. Bringing up the same issues over and over is unhealthy, and isolating you from others is controlling.

 

Get out!

Why can't you just leave? What is it that makes you ask strangers on the internet what you should do instead of just leaving someone that makes you feel undervalued, miserable and controlled?

So you are in a relationship with a married woman that hasn't finalized her divorce? Red flag #1 for you!

 

Guessing she probably didn't take time to heal/recover (usually it takes AT LEAST 3-6 months+ to recover from a long term relationship). That's a red flag for you AND her (#2 for you).

 

She has not learned any lessons (due to not having time to heal/recover and reflect) and is not changing so that she doesn't repeat the same mistakes.

 

She has essentially replaced her husband with you.

 

I think there is a LOT for YOU to learn from this about YOURSELF.

 

I also think you would be completely out of your mind to remain in this relationship. Run and don't look back! You need to really reevaluate yourself and think about what has caused you to get involved with such person. Clearly you have issues of your own you need to address.

This is one of the consequences of getting involved with a person who is still married, and going through a divorce, (imo). She still has the road to recovery well ahead of her, and is simply in no position to be in a relationship.

 

Either way, it's either pay now or pay later...

 

I see this view quoted often. Going from initial break-up to divorce can take years. What about people who break-up a marriage by establishing a relationship before splitting? This happens a lot and I think the No 1 (or 2 or 3) cause of a marriage break-up is cheating and a new partner is often already in place. People who dump their spouse for another seem to have a good success rate.

 

My divorce barely affected me at all. It was just legalising the real situation and I was glad that I was no longer married to someone who was openly living with someone else.

People who dump their spouse for another seem to have a good success rate.

Can you back that assertion up with real statistics? I don't agree with that so if you can verify, I'll change my opinion on it.

Can you back that assertion up with real statistics? I don't agree with that so if you can verify, I'll change my opinion on it.

 

I'm assuming he means "people that get out of unhealthy/toxic relationship, take time to heal/recover and build a new relationship proper have a high success rate".

 

And if that's the case then there is no need for proof, that's just common sense.

 

 

I'm assuming he means "people that get out of unhealthy/toxic relationship, take time to heal/recover and build a new relationship proper have a high success rate".

I could be wrong but when you preface what he said with this happens a lot and I think the No 1 (or 2 or 3) cause of a marriage break-up is cheating and a new partner is often already in place. Then it implies that those that get with someone new before leaving the old.

 

And if that's the case then there is no need for proof, that's just common sense.

 

But, only IF it is as You say

Yep, simple answer - why aren't you gone yet? Have some respect for yourself here and just walk already.

 

Rebound is a position that sucks in all positions of life, most definitely in relationships.

As others have pointed out, it just sounds like she dated too soon and brought all the issues from that into your relationship with her.

I think you need to get out. This isn't supposed to be that hard.

I could be wrong but when you preface what he said with this: Then it implies that those that get with someone new before leaving the old.

 

obviously.. But, only IF it is as You say

 

OK, just using myself as an example but I've seen similar stories on other messageboards as well as here:

 

My ex wife has having an affair with one of my close friends. I'm not sure when it started but it could have been as early as 2 years before the split. Some time before the split, she asked for a trial separation (break). I would only agree to it if we agreed not to have sexual contact with others. She refused, so I refused the break. It was soon swept under the carpet until about 3 months before the split when she wanted to leave and I was trying to stop her. I had my suspicions that something was going on but dismissed them as paranoia. A few weeks after the break, she went public with her "new" partner. I put 2 and 2 together.

 

As far as I know, they are still together. So, from her point of view, I was the toxic one and my (then) friend was the knight in shining armour who rescued her. So she had been planning her exit for a long time and, of course, I was the last to know.

 

What I was saying is that (hard it is for us dumpees to accept) people who dump their partners and replace them before leaving seem to have as much chance as having a successful long-term relationship, as two single people pairing off. We (dumpees) naturally feel that if we've been dumped in favour of someone else and their new relationship doesn't crash and burn as we (at the time!) hope, that we are somehow inferior to the someone else.