Am I crazy or being manipulated?

I have been in what has been a very rocky relationship for 7+ months, living with him since October. I love my partner to the moon and back, but I am preparing to move out today.

At month 2, I looked through his phone and found semi-recent (pre dating when I moved in but after we fell in love) sexy text messages shared between him and a former lover that he never mentioned to me. This is after I asked him to tell me about his sexual history of the past few years. (I should note that he maintained the lie that "they were never sexual because she's married" until he finally confessed to it about a month ago.)

He said she is one of his soulmates. He said he did not love her anymore, and they did not communicate since I moved in. Upon looking through his phone again a couple months later, after he spent the entire New Years Eve drunkenly flirting with other women at the concert we were at, I found that he had a collection of about 30 naked photos of her that he had taken, and a few that she had sent. I also found messages from her on WhatsApp, on which she is his only contact. (This is her tool to communicate without her husband knowing, I assume.) Again, I confront him about this, but mostly from the standpoint of remorse because I had invaded his privacy. He said he had forgotten about the pictures and that he didn't tell me when she sent him messages because he didn't think it was important. I asked him to let me know in the future if she tried to contact him.

I should also mention that I asked him to let her know that he was in a relationship. "If she calls me, I will let her know."

I ended up breaking up with him and leaving to take a course in another country. While I was gone, we maintained a connection and we both became committed to the relationship once more, swearing to make our communication stronger and our honesty a policy. He promised to tell the truth and I promised not to snoop anymore.

I notice that they like one another's photos on Instagram. I bring it up and he says it is not a big deal. When I ask if they were in contact, he says no. A few weeks later, he tells me that she messaged him and he did not respond.

Flash forward to last week. I'm back living with him. This woman comes up in conversation again, and I reiterate that I would be much more comfortable if she knew I existed. He says "oh, she does! I told her about you when I called her." I blew up. When I was gone, he maintained that he didn't speak to her. Now he admits to calling her, in the short amount of time we were broken up. He says it wasn't important enough to mention. I get upset and packed my bags.

We had a very emotional night, but by the end of it, he half heartedly said "sorry", and promised to be honest with me about her from then on. I asked him to delete the photos and WhatsApp. He rolled his eyes but said he would do it.

Yesterday, I notice that he "liked" her latest Instagram post. I also noticed that she left a comment on his old photo, calling him handsome. This was four days ago, about 2 days after the explosive fight.

I calmly told him that I'm tired of him keeping secrets from me. I asked if he had deleted the photos yet, and he said no. I started crying, feeling like the thrill of having her in his life was more important to him than maintaining my trust. He made me feel like I was overreacting and has always made me feel irrational about this subject. It's true that the isolated instances seem trivial, but they have been building and tearing away at my trust for him.

So, please tell me. Am I being irrational by asking him to stop communicating with her? Is that too much to ask of somebody?

I think there are issueswith the both of you that will prevent this from ever being a successful relationship. Best to end it permanently.

I think you're being more irrational by staying with him.

Move out for good...and go NC. This has devolved to cat and mouse games and drama. You can find much better, more trustworthy men once you leave.

I have been in what has been a very rocky relationship for 7+ months, living with him since October. I ended up breaking up with him and leaving to take a course in another country. While I was gone, we maintained a connection. I'm back living with him. I get upset and packed my bags.

You are not crazy. You are being manipulated. Why would someone stay in touch with an ex if it wasn't to hook up?

That is, if they don't have kids together.

They are having an affair that needs to be kept secret since she is married, and you are the beard.

He has no intention to end the affair, so it's up to you if you want to continue being the beard.

While I was gone, we maintained a connection and we both became committed to the relationship once more, swearing to make our communication stronger and our honesty a policy. He promised to tell the truth and I promised not to snoop anymore.

I am a believer in second chances when all the previous issues and/or reasons for breaking up have been acknowledged and dealt with. However, that is not the case here. Distance does make the heart grow fonder, which can have a tendency to romanticize things, but now that you are back, you are right in the same spot before the breakup. He refuses to cut contact with this woman, instead he dances about, trying to distract you and tell you what you want to hear, but again, nothing has changed and I suspect that it won't. He is not a man of his word. Life is too short to spend with someone who is not fully committed to you.

Look up the psychological term "gaslighting" and read up on it. You are smack dab in the middle of it.

And no, you aren't crazy, but the whole point of someone gaslighting you is to make you think you are, so you won't just look at what they're doing, say "This is crap, get out" and then bounce them out the door or on their ear or butt or to the curb or over a mountain...or you get the point.

Anyways read up on it, you'll likely find yourself quite enlightened. And then hopefully you'll get angry and take action from there. I highly recommend that. Sometimes anger can be a good thing, armed with the knowledge that you've been had and aren't going to be fooled or jerked around anymore.

I would just pack up and leave him, he's a player and he's using you as a 'beard' as pointed out in a earlier comment. So , yes, you're being manipulated by a guy who has cheater stamped on every single gene. It's best you find out early rather than years down the track though, possibly with kids in tow and other commitments. Take a break from relationships, then find someone with the same moral standards as yourself.

If he's not cheating with her, he's at the very least in love with her. In other words, you need to end this "relationship" forever.