Husbad threatens often to leave

My husband is oftern threating me that he will leave me if talking back often and he just want to listen to him and do whatever he says. We got love cum arranged marriage. I did realized that he often say this for the past 3 years as he got very close to his step mother (my mother in laws elder sister) and her daughter who got sons and married now. I really dont know what to do . I can not talk to him normal either and not even a word, if he come home never stays back he runs away to his step mother daughter house saying that he want to be with his step mother and she is everything.

Now his step mother lost his husband and now my husband is always like to stay with her saying that she is crying lot saying that no one is ther to protect her .Step mother is more than 70 years old and got everyone around her. They call him and try to do their house electrical works and other works like in spending money and taking girls out to party as he prefers that lots. He totally forgot me that i m his wife and just begging me to get divorces but says that he is in deep love with me. Please advice as I do not want to get seperated . This is second marriage as my previous life is a dowry harassment and now my new husband always says that I am lying when I never got any chance to talk with him at all. We got married 8 years and his family never took any steps so that we can have child and my husband does not want that too and just want to leave me.

Please advice

He's already left emotionally and spends little time with you. I know this is hard BUT you don't have anything to gain by clinging onto him. Just make sure you get a good financial settlement from this poor excuse for a "husband".

Hello shanthi,

I have forwarded your post to another female member on ENA who knows quite a bit about "arranged marriage"... this person and I talk a LOT about the topic of arranged marriages. In her case, it is within Indian culture. I apologize in advance if I am making assumptions or misunderstanding facts about your situation, I don't entirely understand all the concepts behind this, especially "love cum arranged marriage", that is a new term to me. But here is my perspective on this.

It sounds to me like what you are going through isn't really a happy marriage where you are truly "in love", and that is one of the problems with arranged marriage, if that is your case. When you don't get to naturally find someone and fall in love without interference from outsiders/family/parents/whoever, you end up rushing into a marriage with the wrong person. I know from my friend the enormous amount of control and pressure that is involved with arranged marriages, and sometimes you don't get to really have just a legitimate one-on-one relationship with another person you naturally fall in love with. By the way, this friend of mine calls this "love marriage", which she wants to do over "arranged marriage".

It sounds to me like this marriage of yours is very toxic, regardless of the arrangement. Marriage, true marriage, I'd like to think is about mutual trust and respect for one another. Nothing about your situation sounds "mutual", if he is getting bossy, threatening to leave all the time, and so forth. This is not right. It also sounds like there is family influence in you two being allowed to have a child. That is not right... that decision should be between you and him only. These traditionalist ideas are really changing, where we live in a free world now. If you are in a country such as the United States, you are in no way, shape, or form required to have an arrange marriage or anything amongst those lines.

My advice to you... disregard your arrange marriage for a second. This man, do you truly LOVE him? Do you feel some passionate, deep love for him? Does he give you the "butterflies"? Is he everything you ever dreamed of in a perfect husband? Is this somebody you seriously want to spend the rest of your life with, or are you only with him because your parents or whoever arranged this marriage for you? These are questions you have to think about. If you don't legitimately love this man, then I see no point in this marriage continuing. If he is begging you to leave, he is not happy. Maybe he is not comfortable with your arrangement. This topic is a lot to think about and a big discussion. I wish you luck.

Why do you remain in such an arrangement/marriage is the big question?

I know this is a cultural and religious thing but seriously you need to put those to aside and really think about yourself and your future here.

Let him have the divorce. He is cruel to you and wants to leave. Once he is gone you can find a man who is nice and wants to be married to you.

My husband is oftern threating me that he will leave me if talking back often and he just want to listen to him and do whatever he says. He totally forgot me that i m his wife and just begging me to get divorces.We got married 8 years and my husband just want to leave me.

Hi All,

Thanks for the quick reply. As suggested I disregarded arrange marriage for a second and thought about the points of is this man, do Itruly LOVE him? Do Ifeel some passionate, deep love for him? Does he give me the "butterflies"? Is he everything I ever dreamed of in a perfect husband? Is this somebody I seriously want to spend the rest of my life with, or are am I only with him because my parents or whoever arranged this marriage for me?

It is Yes to all the above from the time I married that is for first 5 years. But later I realized that this is not true. I feel like I did a mistake on this one. Yes I was married on 23rd and got divorced because of dowry harassement. After 4 years I met the person whom I am married now.This person (my husband) is really nice to me in the beginning but not now all is in his mind is just to leave me and go by using some threating words.His mother is deff and dum.His father died .He was brought up by his step mother who is in control of him completely.Looks like I am forced to marry him without even getting a chance to rethink again as my family is convinced with his attitude thinking that he will take care of me very well. I am now 36 years.I am worried to leave as my first marriage made my family really upset and had many issues.My family will feel bad for what will happen to me again. They understood now and just say that be with him until how long I can hang up and when time comes things will change that is he will leave. I am not able to talk about all my fears to everyone in my family as well.My husband acts as though he understands me but the next day once he go to his step mothe r and come back he threatens for a divorce.He is staying onsite and whenever he comes never stay back at home just runs to his step mother saying that he got only her as his mother. Not sure if they are blackmailing him or he is tryingn to act on me to leave as I am have stopped giving him money from my pocket of salary as I am working. He saved everything for his purpose and I dont have a penny in my pocket now. This is really very bad to talk about.

I am not sure where the trouble comes from is it from his family members or is it from him behaving so weird that that he loves me but want to leave me and go.He raised his hand one day for no reason and cried to my mother who was at home and spoke to everyone in my family that he raised his hand and did mistake.But never ever bothered to passivate me either and I suffered from not able to eat for one week. Wondering if all these are a planned attempt to trigger if I will leave by doing all these things. His elder brother left his wife the same way he did by the advise of his step mother and all talk about his wife bad now. Elder brother got married in abroad and settled with another girl though he had a big old son in here. Not sure if my husband also wants that .

Is this planned by his family members or is he (my husband) drawing these plans. I am really in doubt of why he married me for no reason saying that he is in deep love coming to my house and convincing everyone to give me to him as his wife. This sounds very strange for me. Is there a way to stop himgoing to his house or I just need to bear all these and let it go when time comes.What should I do....

If he tells you that he will leave, then do not stop him from doing it.

He tells you he will leave to emotionally hurt you. He may or may not actually leave.

You cannot stop him from going to the stepmother's house, as he is a grown man.

I think stepmother and daughter are telling him things and poisoning his mind, since he threatens divorce whenever he has returned from them.

If your family is upset about your divorce and this marriage, then maybe you should consider no more arranged marriages - they are the ones who arranged you with men who are no good.

He hits you, he is mean to you and he wants a divorce. Let him leave. The problem is not his family it's him. Grant him the divorce. Will your family punish you if you get a divorce?

He raised his hand one day for no reason. Wondering if all these are a planned attempt to trigger if I will leave by doing all these things.

My family will not punish me for if this life is ruined but they will really get hurt as my second life is ruined again as I am their favourite daughter. They are only considered about my future how I am going to be as I grown up being dependent always. I think its time to take my step further if any things happen wrong and be strong to face the upcoming scenarios. It is really scary for me to face things alone but will leave it as it goes because I did believe my life is more important than anyone's .I want to be happy and peaceful the rest of my life. I really thank for the advices provided here.

He hits you, he is mean to you and he wants a divorce. Let him leave. The problem is not his family it's him. Grant him the divorce. Will your family punish you if you get a divorce?

What you say is 100% correct I can not stop him from going to his stepmother's house and ofcouse they have poisoned him and he is not even willing to eat anything cooked at house thinking that I will mix something for him. He already behaving like a stranger for me. A stranger is always a stranger and can not become our betterlife partner anymore. Yes I should not consider the arranged marriages anymore .Actually this is not only arranged marriage. we both worked in same team in one organization and he liked me and spoke to my mother convincing her first then my family members were interested.As this is the second marriage my brothers spent more than 10 lakhs for this marriage as well making it a grand celebration thinking that I will live my life this time.That is what I am worried . They have given all things related to home accessories and nothing is his items. Still he is not satisfied with everything. Once he used to say that to his family that he is very much happy to be with me and is lucky but that is vice versa now. I can figure out what is happening in his house but he stops me to come to his stepmother house shouting that he alone will go there and they are all not fine with me as I am not speaking them though I speak to them well. Ofcourse they try to tell him the false information for which they are not satisfied with me. If they dont like me that much they should have stopped in the beginning itself of this marriage but they did not , just ruined my life.I feel tears now when I am writing this.

Its time to defend myself and be bold and strong for what things might happen. I know that he is literally runinig my emotions and my mother's who is at my house now staying back. He is not able to do anything as my mother is along with me now as per the advice of my brothers. If he wants to leave ofcourse I can not stop. But what I can do is try to be emotionally strong in whatever happens so that he fears of doing anything step further.I am daughter of DSP in police department and think that I should be bold enough to handle things . I pray to God everyday for this becaue the person whom I loved the most than anything including myself is not the suitable one to be with me atleast.

Thanks for all your support and advice.

If he tells you that he will leave, then do not stop him from doing it.

 

He tells you he will leave to emotionally hurt you. He may or may not actually leave.

 

You cannot stop him from going to the stepmother's house, as he is a grown man.

 

I think stepmother and daughter are telling him things and poisoning his mind, since he threatens divorce whenever he has returned from them.

 

If your family is upset about your divorce and this marriage, then maybe you should consider no more arranged marriages - they are the ones who arranged you with men who are no good.

I think you need to be proactive and not just wait for him to leave. He's primitive and it's about having control over you.

Are you still working? Is there any way you can start socking away money in an account that it is only in your name and hands? And tell no one, not even your family, as they are still locked in a mentally where women are seen as perpetually dependent and hopeless without a husband or sons to take care of her. You aren't hopeless without a man. I know your culture is very different than mine but those are lies reflective of a system where people have not fully embraced the rights of women as people equal to men.

Treat it like escaping an abusive situation, because it is.

You are my age. My heart breaks for you, not because you are facing not being married anymore , but because you've been treated by those around you like property to be bought and sold.

You don't have to be dependent on these people. And if your father cares for you, maybe he'll help you with the legal and protective end of things.

I'd go so far as to contact a human rights organization which understands your region to get help and viable options.

Hi Shanti,

I'm sorry about what you are going through. It sounds like your current husband is heavily glued to his step mother. It's horrible as to how he's treating you. I'm not an expert in relationships, dating and marriage. However, I'm an Indian American. To this day, my parents, few friends of mine, relatives, and a couple of my class mates pressure me into "arranged marriages."

I think it is very wrong of your husband to tell you what to do. He needs to at least give you some control over the relationship. In my opinion, I think both man and woman should have equal control of the marriage or relationship... Like a 50-50 deal Do you currently live in India? I believe that your husband is not raised to treat women right. He needs to learn to respect your wants and needs. I honestly think that your husband needs to make time and space for his step mother and you. I know that the women are not treated well in India. However, I believe that it is slowly changing. Please message me. I think it would be nice to talk to each other as we might be going through the similar issues. I wish you all the best with your issue!