Dumped? What to do...

Hi everyone...

As with everyone else I'm looking for some advice

The whole story is below, but the short story is. Been in a LDR for the last few months. Used to text all the time and FaceTime every few days. I've had no call for 3 weeks and no text for a week. I pretty much think that means I've been dumped, though I would have thought he would be much classier. I don't know what to do though. I don't want to contact him as then I can't have done anything wrong, but for my own sanity I'm feeling like I need to send a closure message.

Thanks for any help!

I met a guy beginning Nov on tinder...it was just a date...but we got on really well. I soon found out he was heading to Australia for a year in mid Jan...but we continued dating to see what would happen. Pretty soon I was getting "i never thought I'd meet someone like you" etc etc. I'm 34 I've heard it all before...but it was a bit different with him. He flew to mine at Christmas time and I met his dad after Christmas the weekend before he went to Australia so all indications were this was something serious for both of us...

But at the same time after the first 5/6 magical weeks he occasionally became a bit withdrawn. He wouldn't shower me in the same attention as before and sometimes I felt resented....but other time he was full on and then there was the meeting his dad etc

Anyway a couple of weeks before he was due to go I suggested that we should maybe address the fact he was going to Australia (obv!) he said yes, but then we never did. I didn't want to push him. Then the week before he was supposed to be going he kind of went awol (from me, not his friends) but he eventually returned to my flat 2 days before he went. Now normally I would have given him hell but he was going in two days...so we just made up. On the day he was going, we were pretty much at the airport before he mumbled "I don't want to see anyone else in Australia" he's quite a buttoned up guy so it was always hard to tell if he was just shy of his feeling-he'd never have declare his love for example.

Anyway he left and things were fine, we face timed every few days and had a continuous whatsapp. Then a couple of weeks ago I said did he want to FaceTime later and he said yep that should be fine....but he didn't and he didn't text to say why not....so I left it five days (during which time a photo of him sailing appeared online) and then I had to text him something about his cat. He replied full of apologies for the lack of contact and said he was busy and I replied "me too but not enough time for sailing". He then sent a message saying he's bought my birthday present and details of where to collect it. I was still a bit miffed so I just to said thanks. Then he didn't text in my birthday...basically it's over 3 weeks since we've spoken and a week since we texted. I know it's over but I don't know what to do...

I think he basically wants/wanted me on the shelf ready and waiting for when he returned, but he's now starting to wonder if he is returning...

I am sorry how this turned out but I have to say you should have weighed the risks before getting involved with someone in a short amount of time who was already acting ambivalent prior to leaving.

That would have been my queue to shore up and get a hold of my emotions because developing feelings based on this information was kind of a bad risk.

I don't know what else you can do. This one appears to be out your hands.

In the future don't get involved with someone so quickly, who blows hot and cold and moves to another country.

Too many things working against the two of you for is to have much success.

It doesn't make him a bad guy, just bad timing and circumstances.

My LDR ex-bf was 2 weeks without saying a word and ignoring my calls and texts...Saturday I asked him.."are we broken up?" and he said...yes

How respectful is this? I asked if he could only answer the phone and he said..."why make this harder?"

I did weigh the risks and I decided to take it.

My intention was to go out there 2-3 times in the year, so it wouldn't have been that bad.

But anyway, I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm asking people the best way to conclude things

My LDR ex-bf was 2 weeks without saying a word and ignoring my calls and texts...Saturday I asked him.."are we broken up?" and he said...yes

How respectful is this? I asked if he could only answer the phone and he said..."why make this harder?"

Sorry to hear that. It's horrible when they are so disrespectful

Unfortunately it sounds like he thought of this as short-term, casual. He may have met someone in his new location. It sounds like the slow fade rather than a definitive break-up. You may just want to move on if he's not contacting you or using 'busy" excuses.

I met a guy beginning Nov on tinder I soon found out he was heading to Australia for a year in mid Jan. Been in a LDR for the last few months. I've had no call for 3 weeks and no text for a week. I pretty much think that means I've been dumped. I know it's over but I don't know what to do.

I did weigh the risks and I decided to take it.

 

My intention was to go out there 2-3 times in the year, so it wouldn't have been that bad.

 

But anyway, I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm asking people the best way to conclude things

If he's not communicating with you then it's on you to come to a conclusion.

His actions have told you what you need to do.

What to do? Close the door and move forward.

Moving on is hard, especially when someone goes dark.

Don't take it personally and choose better next time.

Unfortunately it sounds like he thought of this as short-term, casual. He may have met someone in his new location. It sounds like the slow fade rather than a definitive break-up. You may just want to move on if he's not contacting you or using 'busy" excuses.

Thanks. He definitely didn't think of it as short term when he was here...but I agree he's much changed now.

Moving on though....do you think in time I'll just be able to move on without a definitive answers or should I press for one?

Thanks. He definitely didn't think of it as short term when he was here...but I agree he's much changed now.

 

Moving on though....do you think in time I'll just be able to move on without a definitive answers or should I press for one?

Fill in the blank.

Would what ever he says change the outcome?

Would it define you?

Would you do anything differently.

Yes. . if you choose to move on without the benefit of his say so, you can.

Besides, you should choose to not want to continue with someone who you are not able to count on.

Yes, you'll move on. "Closure" is a myth. His fading is the only info you need to move on and find someone.

Moving on though....do you think in time I'll just be able to move on without a definitive answers or should I press for one?

Moving on though....do you think in time I'll just be able to move on without a definitive answers or should I press for one?

I'm not trying to minimize your pain, but I think you had the "answers" before he even left.

I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 months before I left on my planned trip to Australia. I was heartbroken leaving him, because I guess it was still honeymoon phase. I met all his family, he met mine etc etc

Initially I skyped regularly, texted etc but as time went on , probably about 3 months in, I was enjoying my holiday,travelling etc

It fizzled out.

We didn't "break up" either.

It's circumstantial and really only a well developed relationship would stand the test of time and distance.

Sorry, but from my perspective , you are free to move on and move on is what you should do.

I would delete his number & move on.

He is obviously having a great time, so should you

I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 months before I left on my planned trip to Australia. I was heartbroken leaving him, because I guess it was still honeymoon phase. I met all his family, he met mine etc etc

Initially I skyped regularly, texted etc but as time went on , probably about 3 months in, I was enjoying my holiday,travelling etc

It fizzled out.

We didn't "break up" either.

It's circumstantial and really only a well developed relationship would stand the test of time and distance.

Sorry, but from my perspective , you are free to move on and move on is what you should do.

Thanks Billie, it's really useful to hear it from the others perspective.

I think that's convinced me that I should send a text though. I don't want him to think it just fizzled out and that that's ok. It absolutely didn't (for me anyway). If things end like that I always end up hanging on and hoping and that will hurt so much more in the end.

Now to compose an email that's polite and classy with just a touch of sass....

I'm not trying to minimize your pain, but I think you had the "answers" before he even left.

True...and that makes me so angry with myself. But I remember saying to a friend at the time, "I can only go on what he's said and hope". However much I'm hurting now I'm still glad I gave it a go, cos the regret of not trying would have been greater.

Thanks Billie, it's really useful to hear it from the others perspective.

 

I think that's convinced me that I should send a text though. I don't want him to think it just fizzled out and that that's ok. It absolutely didn't (for me anyway). If things end like that I always end up hanging on and hoping and that will hurt so much more in the end.

 

Now to compose an email that's polite and classy with just a touch of sass....

The relationship fizzled out from my end, I was meeting new friends, socialising in a new country, experiencing a lot of new things. Not a care in the world, while he was at home in his usual routine. So I guess from my point of view it was "easy" to forget him and not miss him, where he was carrying on as normal but without me around.

And he was someone I had known for several years before we started dating as he was a good friend of my brother.

So, even with that connection and background, we didn't last the test of time and distance.

You really shouldn't wait around.

Just stay in minimal contact over fb but don't be surprised if he doesn't leave Australia. I didn't.

The relationship fizzled out from my end, I was meeting new friends, socialising in a new country, experiencing a lot of new things. Not a care in the world, while he was at home in his usual routine. So I guess from my point of view it was "easy" to forget him and not miss him, where he was carrying on as normal but without me around.

And he was someone I had known for several years before we started dating as he was a good friend of my brother.

So, even with that connection and background, we didn't last the test of time and distance.

 

You really shouldn't wait around.

Just stay in minimal contact over fb but don't be surprised if he doesn't leave Australia. I didn't.

I hear ya....

I did say that numerous times and he said he would definitely be back as he had already done a couple of years in NZ and he knew he didnt want to live that far away from the UK. He also has a cat that he's left here! and a job lined up... But I know people change their plans. I just thought he was more settled than that - he's a 35 year old doctor, with a cat and a house etc

I guess its not the fact he's changed his mind, its more that he hasn't had the courtesy to tell me whats going on

(edit - of course it the fact he's changed his mind - who am I kidding!)

I hear ya....

 

I did say that numerous times and he said he would definitely be back as he had already done a couple of years in NZ and he knew he didnt want to live that far away from the UK. He also has a cat that he's left here! and a job lined up... But I know people change their plans. I just thought he was more settled than that - he's a 35 year old doctor, with a cat and a house etc

 

I guess its not the fact he's changed his mind, its more that he hasn't had the courtesy to tell me whats going on

 

(edit - of course it the fact he's changed his mind - who am I kidding!)

I don't think he is lying or changed his mind. I didn't lie or change my mind either. I also swore I would leave Australia and go home.

I am a medical professional and was in my late 20's when I came here.

There was never a point at which I decided these things nor felt the need to discuss with my guy. The contact just became less and less. I think I eventually told him I was extending my stay and it was assumed we split.

I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you but that it can happen despite our intentions.

I don't think he is lying or changed his mind. I didn't lie or change my mind either. I also swore I would leave Australia and go home.

I am a medical professional and was in my late 20's when I came here.

There was never a point at which I decided these things nor felt the need to discuss with my guy. The contact just became less and less. I think I eventually told him I was extending my stay and it was assumed we split.

 

I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case with you but that it can happen despite our intentions.

Thanks billie, it's really useful to hear from yr point of view. I guess the lack of contact is relatively sudden in this case. All was fine until 2 weeks ago and then nothing much..he sad he was feeling unsettled last time we were having a text conversation....

I'm just going to send a how are things text I think and take it from there

Thanks billie, it's really useful to hear from yr point of view. I guess the lack of contact is relatively sudden in this case. All was fine until 2 weeks ago and then nothing much..he sad he was feeling unsettled last time we were having a text conversation....

 

I'm just going to send a how are things text I think and take it from there

Just don't make a big deal of it all.

When you text don't just say a simple hello. Also include what you have been up to and if that hasn't been much, make it up. Don't say you've been busy or anything to suggest reason for lack of contact, or that you have noticed. Keep it light. Tell him about a movie you just went to see and if you haven't seen one, go see one and then text etc

Basically only contact him when you have something to tell him.

I felt the chat got a bit stagnant when I spoke to my guy because I was having such a great time and he never seemed to have any news back for me. I guess in a way, he was just waiting till I got back.

Make a plan to do something fun or different once a week and only contact him when you have done that rather than a boring hello, just been busy at work etc ?!

Just don't make a big deal of it all.

When you text don't just say a simple hello. Also include what you have been up to and if that hasn't been much, make it up. Don't say you've been busy or anything to suggest reason for lack of contact, or that you have noticed. Keep it light. Tell him about a movie you just went to see and if you haven't seen one, go see one and then text etc

Basically only contact him when you have something to tell him.

I felt the chat got a bit stagnant when I spoke to my guy because I was having such a great time and he never seemed to have any news back for me. I guess in a way, he was just waiting till I got back.

Make a plan to do something fun or different once a week and only contact him when you have done that rather than a boring hello, just been busy at work etc ?!

Just an update on this...

I managed to talk to him in the end and the problem is he's thinking of staying because work life is so much better over there.

Obviously not a great end result, but not a "he's seeing someone else" reason either....

At least you can put this to rest now and that will make moving on clearer.

At least you can put this to rest now and that will make moving on clearer.

I know....

But feeling very sad now. In the angry stage I know things change but he absolutely told me he was only going for a year and that if anything changed he would discuss it with me first.

I feel like he's been really careless with my feelings and he only needed me and used me until he was settled over there....meanwhile I was left daydreaming. I know it wasn't as calculated as that, but that's how it feels and he put so little effort in, like not organising for me to go out there (despite me making calendars checking dates etc)...who's to say if he asked I wouldn't consider moving to oz too. I suppose I really just feel this relationship was always more important to me than him, despite the fact that he was always driving it forward.

Also he keeps emailing asking about his cat-basically I think he wants me to take it. Cheeky!

Ok definitely in the angry stage. I was so nice on the phone though, he thinks everything is ok...

Sorry for th brain dump

Tell him how nice the cat is. This confirms that you lost a clown.

Also he keeps emailing asking about his cat-basically I think he wants me to take it.

Tell him how nice the cat is. This confirms that you lost a clown.

So me again...

I've been so up and down the last week...

When we spoke and he said that he prob wanted to stay - I said we should keep things as normal until he knew what he wanted and then see what options are available to us. So I tried that - but all he emailed me about was the cat...and after a while I could tell that he was getting irritated when I emailed him updates and asking questions...

So eventually this weekend I emailed (a short novel!) saying exactly how I felt. ie - that I would go to the ends of the earth to make it work but I felt like he was just constantly rejecting me and I couldn't handle it any longer and was cutting contact as I was/am just getting too hurt and.....no reply.

So the no reply now has me panicking that he thinks I have turned my back on him. I know he is incredibly confused about what to do and that is where the rejection is coming from and in some ways I wish I had the patience to see what he decided, but I also feel if he really like me he wouldn't make me suffer....and then of course I just worry that he's met someone else...

So ultimately I've come on here for you guys to tell me I've done the right thing, and if he wants me he would have got in touch.... I just worry as he had a breakdown last year and had to have counselling. He's basically never got over his mother's death and runs away and buries his head whenever anything difficult happens. I want him to know I love him but I can't keep being rejected. But as I say, now I worry that he thinks I've rejected him.