Where do I start?

Ok, well I am a 23 year old male that married a 33 year old female dancer. I was 20 when we started talking. We first met on the internet and instantly I felt a connection, our humor, politics, she even messaged me first and we talked for about 6 or 7 months. While she was talking to me, she was with a bf, probably about January to March, she was then single, we continued to talk, nothing I love you or the like, more just like flirty and so on. After she broke up with the bf I kept talking to her thinking she was single, she didn't however tell me that she was with another man that she broke up on very bad terms. She told me he admitted to some incest with his sister and that disgusted her. He got a temporary restraining order on her when she supposedly threw a can of beans at him when he told her. I thought that was understandable. So we met when she came down to see me, first date was at a diner, she liked me I could tell, said how tall and handsome I was. Second date, we went into the big city, went to nice restaurants, and were intimate. Over the course of 2 months, she stayed in the city in a motel, dancing to support herself, we met and spent time together. Eventually, she came out and asked me if I would like to join her on her adventure. I accepted.

We traveled down to another state, I tried to find work, we rented a place, it wasn't really that nice. But we tried. I started to notice some underlying issues with her and anger. She would flip out over nothing, mountains out of mole hills. She explained it that she had horrible experiences with her previous boyfriends. She was raped as a child and was sent away to a terrible "treatment" center for at risk teenagers when she was in Middle school because she had inappropriate contact with one of her teachers.

She continued to work, things got better. We moved to an area with better economic opportunity. Things were going so good, we had a beautiful private home where we could do whatever we wanted. 2 months into our moving there, there was a rainstorm and a tree fell down. It was blocking the driveway and cut the power. We were walking down our long private driveway when she started yelling about a hairbrush that she could not find it, I brushed it off to, whatever she must be on her period. While she was walking down the driveway, she started spewing hate, calling me a for experimenting in middle school, telling me she hated me. Out of nowhere she slashed me with her car keys, I pushed her away, she fell on the ground, bleeding from the arm, I said " we are over" and walked up the driveway back to the house to let her walk to the neighbor herself. She ran down the driveway screaming like she was being murdered, I was doing chores in the house, she wasn't back yet. I figured wth, so I walked down the driveway, guns aimed at me, I was arrested for domestic violence. She told the police that I hit her and pushed her, they arrested me without even questioning me. She later explained it to me that people near the driveway called the cops about her screaming and she thought that if she told the police that I hit her, they would just give us a good talking to and send us on our way. In jail, I got some of the most heart felt letters saying how she would get me out, she missed me, she couldn't sleep, visited me every visiting day. I spent about 40 days in jail and she bailed me out. I got out and got a job, started rebuilding the relationship. We got married about 3 months after that thinking that we would survive whatever life threw at us.

I got a really hard job after one temp job fizzled out, 6 day weeks, minimum 60 hour work weeks. While I was at this job, I first started to notice signs of an affair, her hiding her phone, being out real late, not being there when I'd leave at 8 30 at night and still not be there at 8 00 in the morning. She openly admitted that she was emotionally attached to a man she met at her job, her worshiped her, he had the same taste in music as she did, and the worst "he plays the daddy role" really well. So I worked my hardest and tried to stay alive working so much and coming home to an empty house. I pleaded, I cried, I was angry, got cold. She told me she stopped talking to him one week, she loved me, then she got a text from him while she was sleeping and I looked at her phone, she had been talking to him the entire time. I saw emails from her messaging people looking for houses to move in with her "boyfriend", she even talked to him in front of me in the car, we were not intimate at all during this time and she told me sex with me would be cheating on the other man. This was probably the most miserable time in my entire life, the thoughts where I almost wished there would be an accident at work and I would not take another breath anymore. She claimed she never had sex with him, even though I caught them in a motel one time, fully clothed in bed and she threatened to call the cops on me when I opened the door (only way I knew they were inside was because I heard my dogs inside), she would vent at me that he was a and he disrespected her in front of his friends... Things moved on, she eventually told me she wanted to be with me and I said that there would never be a second chance and told her how much she hurt me. As a part of our reconciliation, she installed an app on her phone where I could see who she called and texted.

Ok, so a year moved on. The year since that was perfect, we were actually getting along, loving, and really progressing. Her job was always unspoken between us between. So one day, I was home after a work week and didn't get a call or text from her in about a day because she was out of town, working. I looked, she was 40 miles away from her place of work, I didn't believe she was cheating again, I thought god she must be in trouble, chopped up in the back of someones car. I called the police, to see if they could see where she was. They eventually found her at a big fancy house, I got a call from her "stay out of my life, I hate you, I only keep you around to watch the dogs". Then she calls back and apologizes saying that she went home with a customer to do the same things she does in the club (lapdances) just for more of a cut instead of the club getting it. I was furious that she kept it from me. She offered never to see him again. She told me she was getting $600 a night to go out with this short crippled guy to dinner then do a lapdance. I thought as much as her job hurts me, that I rather her do this than make little money at the club when she could make more money in one night than some weeks of work. I said it was ok, I had a bad feeling but I trusted her. Time goes on, out of nowhere she tells me that she needs to do something for me, that she met this girl at the club who would be interested in a threesome, I thought no no no, that's a relationship a bomb, and told her I only loved her and only wanted to be with her. So time goes on, about 2 months. One day, she comes home with bruises on her breasts and on her legs. My heart sank, I checked through her internet history, I saw nothing but incest related daddy daughter porn, BDSM, spanking. I was mad because we both agreed porn was bad for our relationship and she would scream at me and even got violent one time she caught me looking at porn. I confronted her, what she told me literally made me puke. She told me that she was actually going over this guys house because he was a sadist and he would beat her up, spank her, and slap her while she called him daddy and master and her called her slave, toy, and little one. At this point she still denies any sexual contact. I was devastated but it hurt less than the first time. She begged and pleaded with me to stay, saying she would kill herself, that she could not live without me, she would never see him again, we could get new phones, I could track her, she would stop stripping, she would not let me look at her phone though because she was "embarrassed". That was my maginot line, I said If I could not see her phone, we were over. She called him in front of me and made a very very weak leaving the door open "breakup". She even after 3 years told me in an attempt to make me stay that she was raped by her father repeatedly , he was the reason why she was sent away, and she did not want to relive her abuse through this man. I was hurt and needed a break, I drove 500 miles to my parents to cool off. She tells me she needs time to think, then stayed at his house for 4 days straight and when I asked whether they had sex, that "it was none of my business" and that I was a weak man because he hits her out of pleasure and I did out of anger.

She has sent me texts saying how "how come good things go bad" and "to find someone to isn't damaged and will love and respect me like I deserve"... Now she tells me she is afraid of me and even if she broke up with her sugar daddy that she would not be with me.

Am I dumb right now to feel depressed, I miss her but this was a toxic relationship, right? Should I just cancel all joint accounts, get on my own insruance, and switch the bills out of my name?

Please help. I need to heal. Thank you, John.

Are you still married, living together, seeing each other or in contact? You have already done jail time due to a violent relationship, so this is not good.

I am a 23 year old male that married a 33 year old female dancer. I was arrested for domestic violence. I spent about 40 days in jail and she bailed me out.We got married about 3 months after that .

No, I'm 500 miles away at the moment.

This isn't toxic. It's abusive. She hits you, screams at you, lies to you and cheats on you... She threatens suicide and jerks you around in every which way to keep you hurting and entangled with her.

You need to end this, cut all contact and don't let her drag you back into her mess.

My guess is she has an undiagnosed mental disorder. Like boarder line personality disorder. Her inability to control her emotions and her violent anger seem to line up. But that part doesn't really matter. The part that matters is why did you stay for so long? Why did you let her treat you like that? I would suggest you get a therapist and start looking into why you put up with such horrible treatment.

Cancel the joint accounts. Change your phone number. Get a restraining order. You need time to heal and if she is in your life in any way she won't be giving you the space to heal.

Right on the money, Rose.

"My guess is she has an diagnosed mental disorder".

I know diagnosing an ex or current partner isn't nice or accurate... but I found it extremely helpful in getting that relationship into perspective. Finding out there was a pattern of behavior, that I wasn't alone in dealing with the anger, fear and helplessness of it. Check out this web sight. It helped me a great deal.

And cancel the joint accounts TODAY.

Yes, stay where you are and file for divorce. You could end up with even more jail time if you keep this up....getting rearrested and imprisoned again is likely in this toxic destructive situation.

I drove 500 miles to my parents to cool off. he hits her out of pleasure and I did out of anger. Now she tells me she is afraid of me. Should I just cancel all joint accounts, get on my own insruance, and switch the bills out of my name?

I stayed with her so long because I really did love her and I think my biggest trouble in life is trying to heal people that can't be healed. Like how long I held on to a childhood friend who became an addict and I tried and tried and he just would not help himself. It just pains me that I feel like she is going to be miserable in the end and she is reliving her sexual abuse for pleasure, instead of getting treatment. The other man even said he would be affraid of her getting treatment because she might leave him. I've been on some nerve pills, they are really helping and I'm changing my number. Thanks for the advice.

You can't heal her. All you can do is take care of yourself. Work on healing your white knighting tenancies. The people you are trying to save can not be saved by you. They have to choose to save themselves and no amount of your sacrificing your own mental and physical well-being will change anything.

This is a pattern of your behavior as well. In order to break it, you have to see it and work on it.

Yes, I realize that in the grand scheme of things now, If I am ever ready to enter into another relationship again, I am going to watch out for these red flags and cut and run if anything seems rotten in the state of Denmark.

For some reason, you were the one who did jail time for domestic violence. This means there was a trial and enough convincing evidence that you were prosecuted and sentenced. Your best bet is to file for divorce and stay where you are. She is involved with someone else...it's time to let go.

I feel like she is going to be miserable in the end. The other man.

Stay 500 miles sway. Get a divorce, get all your papers in order, in your own name only. She has major issues you can't fix and you need some help to figure out why you put up with her.

If you need to ask if this is a toxic relationship ... you have your answer already.

Stay the hell away from this person, get a divorce & I would go as far as getting a restraining order to make sure she stops contacting you.

You're younger, you have a lot to experience still, do not waste your time on someone who is using you.

It's not love, it's abuse.

She is miserable and she needs to help herself, sacrificing your peace of mind will not help her.

You had red flags from the very beginning that you kept ignoring because of how much you liked her.

What are you waiting for? It will only get worse.

I'd have huge red flag from hearing 33yo "dancer".

Btw sadly our laws are rigged that way that if you have louder fight,neighbours call police even your wife stating that nothing was happening cannot save you (it actually happened).

Well no, I was held without bail till my trial and the only "evidence" was her word, which she wanted to change and the cops threatened to put her in jail if she changed her mind and then who would take care of the dogs? I'd rather me sit in there than those dogs suffer without anyone taking care of her. But like I said, that was nearly 1 1/2 years before she cheated on me. I wasn't convicted of anything.

If you need to ask if this is a toxic relationship ... you have your answer already.

Stay the hell away from this person, get a divorce & I would go as far as getting a restraining order to make sure she stops contacting you.

You're younger, you have a lot to experience still, do not waste your time on someone who is using you.

It's not love, it's abuse.

She is miserable and she needs to help herself, sacrificing your peace of mind will not help her.

You had red flags from the very beginning that you kept ignoring because of how much you liked her.

What are you waiting for? It will only get worse.

I thought that our love would prevail, young and idealistic, I geuss. I'm a lot more hardened now.

I thought that our love would prevail, young and idealistic, I geuss. I'm a lot more hardened now.

Understandable. You know better now. Don't let her keep fooling / wasting your time.

Understandable. You know better now. Don't let her keep fooling / wasting your time.

Thanks for the kind words

All in all there was violence and jail time and deciding to marry after all that. So she she has you arrested, put in jail, cheats on you and why do you want to keep this up?

I was held without bail till my trial and the only "evidence" was her word.that was nearly 1 1/2 years before she cheated on me. I wasn't convicted of anything.

All in all there was violence and jail time and deciding to marry after all that. So she she has you arrested, put in jail, cheats on you and why do you want to keep this up?

Well, I was going through a real rough spot with my family, felt like they thought I was a burden, and I never had a serious relationship before this. So you think this was way too much to put up with? Like I said, we had our good and loving moments, she would make me promise never to leave her, that she wished it was just us two in the world, ... now she ran off with a rich guy. I'm hurt but coming to grips with what I really was dealing with for those 3 years. I just thought that we were a good match personality wise and whatever struggles we had, we would overcome.

File for divorce.

now she ran off with a rich guy.

File for divorce.

Yup, changing residency and all that. In my state you can't file till 6 months after you live apart. Which is kinda horrible in this situation.

Imagine what is happening to your life energy.... What is going on with you to endure such hardships? What about you what is hiding inside of you. It takes two and this sounds terrible but why do you stay. Do you enjoy being in these situations.

Imagine what is happening to your life energy.... What is going on with you to endure such hardships? What about you what is hiding inside of you. It takes two and this sounds terrible but why do you stay. Do you enjoy being in these situations.

I was just so in love with her and her being my first relationship, that I thought she had a hard life and we could be happy in the end if we both worked hard. I'm thinking that when we got together, I didn't have the best self confidence but developed it when seeing the way other girls would look at me. I just look bad at her, I'm mad but I love her and a part of me wishes we were family again but I know that things would repeat themselves and I would be unhappy in the end.

I feel for you because i'm going through something similar. I haven't left my relationship yet I give out that advice. What I've learned is with time no matter if you don't choose things will work themselves out. Either for the worse or the better; just be aware of actions and how they are affecting you.

My GF cheated and I want to leave so bad but I can't. If she was abusive there wouldn't be any doubt...Hang in there keep searching for the answers, within yourself.

I was just so in love with her and her being my first relationship, that I thought she had a hard life and we could be happy in the end if we both worked hard. I'm thinking that when we got together, I didn't have the best self confidence but developed it when seeing the way other girls would look at me. I just look bad at her, I'm mad but I love her and a part of me wishes we were family again but I know that things would repeat themselves and I would be unhappy in the end.