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Timeline on Love...


JA0371

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Hey guys!!!

 

I have a friend ( a guy) who started seeing someone a couple of months ago. He posted a pic of them at an event together last week so I looked at her profile, which is public. This guy friend is a musician who I was involved with a while back, but we are still friends. No jealousy at all on my part. I am happy for him.

 

That said, I looked at her profile and she is already publically announcing that she is 'happily involved'. And posting memes about 'love' etc. My friend hasn't 'liked' ANY of these posts...and I know how he is romantically. So I kinda see how to might end up knowing him as I do. He has a pretty huge ego, and quite a bit of dysfunction which is why we didn't pan out. Whole other topic there.

 

I posted this because I want to know if this sort of instant relationship stuff scares you? Someone you've dated two months really hardly knows you...but perhaps if it's right, it's not an issue? Would you be ok if someone you've dated so briefly did this? I know it's a silly question, I guess Im just curious because for me....it would scare the bejesus out of me. So am I the weird one?

 

Just food for thought.

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It wouldn't scare me (I don't scare easy) but it would be a huge red flag. Jumping in with both feet like that so soon blinds you to everything else. Two months and you are still really infatuated with the other person and only see the good stuff and both are still on the very best behavior around each other.

 

I have found that some people are In Love with the idea of being In Love so they let themselves get carried there very quickly.

 

I have only been in love twice in my life and both times those words didn't cross my lips until I was sure what I was feeling. I want to make sure I am not just in lust or infatuated with a beautiful exciting new person in my life and that what I am feeling is true. That takes more than two months for me but others may know much earlier and feel it is natural to go there so soon.

 

If I were him I might ignore it and stay at my own pace or let her know that I am not comfortable with all the expressions of love so soon.

 

I hope it works out for them, we need more love in this world.

 

Lost

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Also....just as a side note, the woman has over 4,000 'friends'...many of whom comment on how they want to 'date' her etc....so Im highly doubting she actually knows them. Curious why someone would announce to people she doesn't even know that she's 'happily involved'. Just weird.

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She likes the attention and doesn't care who it comes from.

 

People seek validation in all kinds of ways and this seems to be her way. Being in a relationship with a woman that has all kinds of strangers on social media wanting to date her doesn't sound like my cup of tea. I see problems ahead if your friends ego is a big as you say it is...

 

Lost

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My sister's husband told her on the second date he thought he was falling in love with her. She didn't even think she liked him at that point. Married 6 years now. (her first marriage at 48...he had been married 30+ years) He's the romantic in the relationship.

 

My ex proposed in 1 month...we married in 10 months. We were in our 30's and he never had a relationship before. Didn't work. But stayed married 20 years. He met his next wife on POF and married her in 8 months. Happily married not for 5 years.

 

My girlfriend was engaged at 2 months, married shortly after. Been married 50 years.

 

I feel MOST people you fall in love with, you are infatuated with...at some time. Usually the beginning...that is what brings you the attraction. Then after that honeymoon/infatuation period ends...then you see if you're compatible for the long haul.

 

I read a book...years ago....that said many years ago, it was during the infatuation stage, was when you you were suppose to get married. Their reasoning was...that the little annoyances of first being married/together are looked past, because you are still in the 'he walks on water' stage. So you're not fighting over the 'where do you put the knives' and you wrap up the bread differently than me. That strong intitial attraction is what kick starts it....then the long term binding starts.

 

Do you think ANY long term relationship doesn't have some form of infatuation thrown in at the beginning???

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She likes the attention and doesn't care who it comes from.

 

People seek validation in all kinds of ways and this seems to be her way. Being in a relationship with a woman that has all kinds of strangers on social media wanting to date her doesn't sound like my cup of tea. I see problems ahead if your friends ego is a big as you say it is...

 

Lost

 

Yeah..agreed. He knows I looked at her profile as I told him. I just wished him well...

He has a daughter in and out of jail, and other drama. He is an accomplished musician and very talented.

That's where the ego comes into play because he attracts a lot of women that way. Should be interesting ..lol.

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My sister's husband told her on the second date he thought he was falling in love with her. She didn't even think she liked him at that point. Married 6 years now. (her first marriage at 48...he had been married 30+ years) He's the romantic in the relationship.

 

My ex proposed in 1 month...we married in 10 months. We were in our 30's and he never had a relationship before. Didn't work. But stayed married 20 years. He met his next wife on POF and married her in 8 months. Happily married not for 5 years.

 

My girlfriend was engaged at 2 months, married shortly after. Been married 50 years.

 

I feel MOST people you fall in love with, you are infatuated with...at some time. Usually the beginning...that is what brings you the attraction. Then after that honeymoon/infatuation period ends...then you see if you're compatible for the long haul.

 

I read a book...years ago....that said many years ago, it was during the infatuation stage, was when you you were suppose to get married. Their reasoning was...that the little annoyances of first being married/together are looked past, because you are still in the 'he walks on water' stage. So you're not fighting over the 'where do you put the knives' and you wrap up the bread differently than me. That strong intitial attraction is what kick starts it....then the long term binding starts.

 

Do you think ANY long term relationship doesn't have some form of infatuation thrown in at

 

Im a realist. So that's why I am standoffish of this type of behavior. While I think there is a place for infatuation there has to be a degree of caution. Now if my friend was ALSO posting these things, then it's a mutual infatuation. The issue is that this is rarely the case. Also....because I actually know him, his issues etc...I have more of an inside look. Had I not known this my opinion would likely be different.

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I don't think it has anything to do with her feelings for this person or with how fast a relationship goes. It probably is focused on her desire to draw attention to herself on Facebook.

 

In general I find that the people who are happiest in relationships don't need to shout it from the cyber-or other-rooftops.

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Really?? Why? Lol

 

Which part? The being creeped out or the inspirational memes?

 

When someone needs to declare things on fb that early, it's usually because they're needing approval, or because they have an ex on fb that they're trying to slight.

 

It's rare that someone in a good place emotionally will be posting all over social media about their brand new relationship.

 

 

On the inspirational memes part. People that need to share them...are often doing it to make a point to others.

] or ]

 

memes are like...my bf should read my passive-aggressive posts and step up" or memes like these: ] ] idk...I just think...go tell your partner these things. Why do people need to post this s**t on fb? The most dysfunctional relationships I've seen come from people that post the "I yearn for you" memes. The people I've met with the best relationships don't need to declare it on fb. They don't need to convince others.

 

 

 

And I feel the same about all the other inspirational memes. People that need to post all the time about getting through struggles and loving life...generally have issues.

 

So...I avoid them. Too much emotion. Too much drama.

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Did someone mention infatuation?

 

Don't get me started. Too late.

 

I believe infatuation is necessary. Frankly a lot of early romance and sex is just that, infatuation. What I can't believe is how many people don't know the difference, or ignore the difference between infatuation and love. You can't get to love without infatuation. But you can't get to love with just infatuation, or thinking you're in love when you're infatuated.

 

How do you tell the difference? For me, I just had to grow up. To me it's just part of maturing. Infatuation is the reason some people believe in 'the one'. It's the reason people think they're in love after one month, or one date. I have a close friend. She's been married for close to 30 years. Said it was love at first sight. I don't believe it. I believe they were immediately infatuated, were a good match, and were one of the lucky people to find true love. They never would have discovered this love and compatibility without this initial compatibility. Situations like this are exceptions and not the norm.

 

What happens more often than not, is people don't really get to know each other and bond during the infatuation phase. Then when it ends they feel like strangers to one another. Because they kind of are. If you haven't bonded and become best friends and truly love each other, you get that feeling that the spark isn't there anymore. Well it's not.

 

How do you make the evolution from infatuation to love? Not sure I know how. I am surprised by how many women in my age group are still hung up on infatuation. I see it all the time in profiles. The ones that say the won't settle for anything less than butterflies. Or the ones that want to be swept off their feet. I would expect this in much younger inexperience women. But women in their 40s and 50s. I think it's kind of sad. I understand and empathize with them. Who doesn't like those feelings? But it's the wrong emphasis. And I think it plays horribly into today's culture of instant gratification. Women, and presumably men, want it now. And infatuation is the fuel being thrown on the impatience fire.

 

I can't tell you how many times I've sat across from someone and told how awesome I was, I was what they were looking for, but I just didn't give them butterflies. Offers to get to know one another were met with indifference. That's fine, and that's their prerogative. But don't complain about there isn't any good men/women around. So it's kind of a one two punch. A lot of people want to feel infatuation, and they want to feel it now. Hint, they usually have something in their profiles about being a helpless romantic. Well, you can't say 'helpless romantic' without the word helpless.

 

Anyways JA I hope I didn't hijack your thread. I don't if a conversation involving falling in love can happen without mentioning infatuation. And don't get me wrong, I'm sure man and women are just as guilty. And if you find yourself head over heals in love with someone, be very careful. There are happy endings. We just have to keep our wits about us.

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I've found that lots of time's one is the 'realist' (distancer) and one is the romantic. (pursuer) My sis always say that her husband is the girl in the relationship.

 

If they're both pursuers...lots of drama/affirmations. If both distancers...they sweep things under the carpet and want NO CONFLICT. Usually a relationship has one of each.

 

Or so I've read. lol

 

Seems like guys that are pursuers (at least in the beginning) like the woman who is the distancer/realist/needs space kinda girl. At least until he gets her. If he finds her clingy AT ALL....at the beginning...he loses the desire.

 

Then the tables change.....

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Totally agree, Sportser.

 

"What I can't believe is how many people don't know the difference, or ignore the difference between infatuation and love".

 

"The answers, and the courage to face the facts is the key to making the determination. In infatuation, your gaze, your thoughts and maybe your world revolves around someone. You have blinders on. It seems that all the world pales in comparison to this person’s looks, talents, intelligence, creativity, etc. What you might not see by keeping the blinders on, what can be serious flaws in any relationship, are the destructive traits and behaviors that degrade self esteem and cause some pretty negative effects on one’s choices and decisions. "

 

"In the case of love, your focus is on your special someone, and that someone exists in the real world. Give and take, compromise and cooperation are characteristics of love relationships. Working toward common goals, sharing dreams and values define the dynamics of a good love relationship. People know each other on a separate and private level than the world at large.

 

Bringing it Into Reality

 

Infatuation can even be thought of as love with only 2 dimensions. With love, that third dimension is reality. So, it is actually your ability to tell what is real in a relationship, versus what is imagined. You love being part of a couple, but is this the person you want to be in a couple with?

"

 

 

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My guy and I jumped in with both feet (the first time either of us had done that, as we had both moved much more slowly in previous relationships). We've now been living together almost four years, are getting married, and have a baby due in August. We also went "Facebook official" on our second date because we just knew. Sometimes, it just happens that way.

 

I do agree about the inspirational posts, though. I roll my eyes at those - it seems the people who post those are typically the ones who are always having some sort of drama in their lives.

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Horses for courses, as they say.

 

We knew each other for almost two years before we got married. Took it very slowly. When we got engaged we didn't announce it anywhere, though of course told family and close friends. That's all. When I look back, gosh, I was so matter-of-fact. lol

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Sometimes it takes every bit of strength not to post this on some people's FB posts.

 

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My favorite drama meme is the one about throwing a plate on the ground and breaking it. Then you apologize to the plate. But it doesn't heel. OMFG some people are tragically stupid.

 

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Ok, JA, I promise, no more thread hijacking

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