Trying to find evidence to break up

I've been dating a guy for about 6 months now.

He told me from the start that he wanted to take it slowly, he was getting over his ex.

Then:

4 months into it I find another girl's hairpin next to his bed.

Also saw Tinder app still on his phone (he said he wasn't using it though)

He said he found a girl's ring on his couch and asked if it was mine -it was not mine. He lives by himself.

He said his ex was back in town and that he tried to contact her, to just acknowledge that and clear the air, as she had apparently blocked him. This was on a messaging app which he said he only uses to message me on. I got a new phone and we no longer use that app.

Fast forward to this month, he is invited to a party of a mutual friend where his ex will be, as well as another girl he hooked up with before me. I acknowledge the fact he told me, however we ended up having a fight over him not inviting me and trying to avoid taking me. In the end he convinced me not to go, saying he should be able to be trusted. I said can he at least see me after, just txt or call to say he's home.

He refused and ended up telling me he wasn't going to go.

I know this is bad but I still wondered if he went. I don't know if this is a trust issue I have or a result of me ignoring my gut too many times.

Anyway, the night of that party, the app we use to msg each other and hadn't used anymore said he was online. Then a few more times after that, so it wasn't one-off. He insists he only talks to me on there. My issue is not that I don't want him talking to other people, even his ex. It's the fact he keeps insisting he doesn't use it but he clearly is.

I actually encouraged him to try to resolve things with his ex if would help him move on or feel better. So don't see any reason he would have to hide it.

Am I just being paranoid? I feel at the point of breaking up now because I feel like I can't trust him. How can I either learn to trust or get answers that will stop my concerns?

No, you aren't being paranoid. When evidence smacks you in the face, what else are you supposed to do other than ask. Trust is built up, and earned over time with someone who is consistent with both their words and behavior. Six months is enough time to be able to see a pattern, and if your gut tells you his words and actions don't line up, if there are a bunch of red flags, the only way to security is to ask questions. If someone is into you, wants to be with you, it isn't going to be that big a deal to explain away anything that you are concerned about.

Although, if his ex blocked him, what was the reason behind that? Has he been annoying her by repeatedly contacting her? That would be a concern of mine.....she wants nothing to do with him apparently, yet he wants closure? He's supposedly with you now, that would bother me as well him going to that party and insist on not bringing you. I'm betting you are not exclusive either, based on the other little clues you shared.

When food looks good, but smells bad, it's bad.

6 months in, have you met his friends? And surely the invite to the party wasn't to him only but the two of you ?

Why would he specifically ask you not to go?

His ex blocked him. Why?

Too many red flags.

You don't need to look further for a reason to break up.

Tell him that you are of a trusting nature but that he isn't worthy of your trust and leave.

You deserve better and he won't change.

This is something that often baffles me ..... why would anyone get themselves involved with a person who is clearly still hung up on their ex? Why be someone's rebound? Why be their emotional crutch? It is only ever going to be at the expense of your own feelings.

By his own admission, he isn't over his ex so you came into this as a third wheel to begin with. They have history and he is still somewhat emotionally invested in her, especially if he is still looking for closure and contacting her. Ask yourself this, if his ex wanted him back (or even wanted to hook up with him) what do you think he would do? What would be his priority? Being true to you or getting back with his ex?

All relationships being voluntary, you don't need to build a 'case' in order to get out of one. That's unnecessary. You don't need to accuse anyone of anything in order to walk away, you can just say, "This isn't working for me."

If someone tells you he's still getting over an ex, forget red flags--that's a giant neon sign that says, "Don't mess with him." You can say, "I like you and can picture the two of us dating someday, so I'm walking away to preserve that potential. You work out your old business, and if you're free and clear and completely over your ex in a few months, you can ring me. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up."

Setting yourself up as a rebound doesn't need to end with a guy going back to his ex or cheating with someone else, it can end with a speech about what a great person you are but the timing was bad--I should have taken the time first to 'find myself...'. Either way, rebounds are heartbreaks waiting to happen, so don't do them.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

All relationships being voluntary, you don't need to build a 'case' in order to get out of one. That's unnecessary. You don't need to accuse anyone of anything in order to walk away, you can just say, "This isn't working for me."

Yep, that's about it. You entered into it voluntarily and you can leave it just as voluntarily.

Waiting around whilst "looking for evidence" equates to waiting around to be hurt. It also means that you are expecting to be hurt. There is no point doing that to yourself. Time to go already.

In answer to your original question, it is going to be near impossible to "learn" to trust someone who still has ex issues.

Thank you all of you for such supportive advice.

He is coming over tomorrow so we can talk. Wish me luck.

I am a little afraid to walk away, more in the sense that I may cave and miss him and second-guess myself.

To answer your questions: this is the context of his ex blocking him: they were flat mates in his house when they got together. She decided she wanted to go travel for a year and 'be free'. But apparently they also agreed if it was right, they'd stay in touch and be together when she gets back. Meanwhile her best friend (another flat mate) starts telling him the ex never loved him, she was just using him for sex, and has shacked up with someone else she met overseas. It became awkward him having his ex's friend living in his house being nasty to him as he goes through the break up.

He loses the plot, tells all the ex's friends to F off, kicks the flat mate out. Decides he's going to also go overseas to where the ex is. 'But not to find her'.. Friends talk him out of going. She blocks him. That is his version. I do not know the other side of it. 6 moths later he meets me. Another 6 moths brings us to present and the ex is back here now.

He said he lost 70% of his friends through having mutual friends. All her friends do not like him for some reason. He told me he wanted to contact her to have his moment on the soapbox to say how much what her and her friends did hurt him.

He also told me though, that he was very down about it all for a long time and still had dreams about her -doing stuff they used to like doing together! I honestly felt like his counsellor or security blanket. I gave him the chance to leave and sort things out with her but he refused, saying he really wanted to move forward with me.

He took me to spend Xmas and New Years staying at his parents house and met most of his friends.

He has also met some of my friends.

When I have asked him about stuff he does always give me an answer. Whether it's true or not I don't know.

When I found the bobby pin in his room he said it must have been his ex's from when she lived there and came out when he was cleaning. 6 months later?? I'm pretty sure he cleaned his room since then. Then coincidentally he went all paranoid saying she was back in town and has someone 'told' me something.

For some reason I carried on but with a very watchful eye ever since.

I don't understand why he would keep me on if he was sleeping with her. Incase it didn't work out? To make her jealous?

Another factor in the story is a girl he hooked up with between his ex and me. I know this because he kept her as a friend on Facebook and I asked him straight who she was.

This girl was also going to be at the party with the ex. It would have been very interesting the 3 of us and him in one room!

The 3 of you in one room wouldn't be an issue if he was very firm on the fact that you are his gf.

He is happy to be in a room with two of them and keep you out?

You are not his priority. And that right there is enough reason to break up. Tell him tomorrow and don't look back!

What Blue said:

"[This is something that often baffles me ..... why would anyone get themselves involved with a person who is clearly still hung up on their ex? Why be someone's rebound? Why be their emotional crutch? "

Baffles me too, all the time.

He loses the plot, tells all the ex's friends to F off, kicks the flat mate out .....

 

He said he lost 70% of his friends through having mutual friends. All her friends do not like him for some reason.

Well, probably because he told most of them to f**k off and kicked the friend/flatmate out!

He told me he wanted to contact her to have his moment on the soapbox to say how much what her and her friends did hurt him.

I can understand that to an extent .... but this is a year later .... and he now has you. The fact that he can't let this go speaks volumes.

He also told me though, that he was very down about it all for a long time and still had dreams about her -doing stuff they used to like doing together!

This is not what healthy relationships are about. You cannot move forward in one relationship whilst you are dreaming about another. I would not ..... could not .... accept this. You are selling yourself short.

I honestly felt like his counsellor or security blanket. I gave him the chance to leave and sort things out with her but he refused, saying he really wanted to move forward with me.

Because you are his counsellor and security blanket .... and what he means is he needs someone to lean on to help him move forwards. He is using you and when he HAS moved forwards and is strong enough to be by himself the likelihood is he will end things so he can move on in whatever direction he chooses.

I don't understand why he would keep me on if he was sleeping with her. Incase it didn't work out? To make her jealous?

You answered your own question there. Not that I am suggesting he is sleeping with her. I mean bobby pins have a habit of turning up all the time. Nevertheless, he is still emotionally entwined with this girl and he is using you as his emotional crutch!

There is unfinished business here. Maybe just on his part .... but until he has moved on properly he is not emotional available and that should be a dealbreaker for anybody.

He is still in love with the ex. You are his rebound.

He is not going to integrate you into his life. End it!

Thank you all of you for such supportive advice.

He is coming over tomorrow so we can talk. Wish me luck.

I am a little afraid to walk away, more in the sense that I may cave and miss him and second-guess myself.

You'll only miss him even more when instead of preserving any future potential by giving him the space to go resolve his ghosts, you hang on and drive him away with your obsessing.

All the rest is just sucking on the minutiae that will drive you to drive him away. I'd skip that.

Nothing is worse than being with someone that has feelings for another- been there, done that.

I can't imagine staying with someone who does not return my feelings.

Do better for yourself.

Unfortunately it sounds like he is playing the field in addition to not being over his ex who, interestingly, blocked him. He gives you no reason to trust including talking about his ex, making sure you weren't invited to this party where his ex and former conquests were. He is not ready to date exclusively, no less be in a relationship.

I've been dating a guy for about 6 months now. he wanted to take it slowly, he was getting over his ex. 4 months into it I find another girl's hairpin next to his bed. Also saw Tinder app still on his phone. He said he found a girl's ring on his couch and asked if it was mine -it was not mine. He lives by himself.

He said his ex was back in town and that he tried to contact her. she had apparently blocked him. he is invited to a party of a mutual friend where his ex will be, as well as another girl he hooked up with before me. we ended up having a fight over him not inviting me and trying to avoid taking me. In the end he convinced me not to go

So, he came over.

He said he almost turned around/hoped my car wasn't there -because he didn't want to show up if I had already made up my mind and no point 'pleading his case'...

This was him 'pleading his case': "I don't want to break up".

I said 'A while back you said you tried to contact your ex on (msging app). I saw you using it the night of the party and last night. Have you been in contact with her?'

He said no, and insists it was a mistake the app was open... By accident.

He said his greatest upset is the loss of most of his friends. He says he felt 'exiled'. And taken for granted.

He said he has thought about us long term and wants it and has thought about us living together eventually.

I asked if he has felt bored or in a rut with me. If he is over all that stuff about his ex.

He said he really has been happy with me and even if his ex showed up to his door or he crossed paths with her he'd not be interested. That if she just showed up he would not want her in his house he would go to a cafe.

He said things like: next Xmas we can stay with my parents again -stuff like that.

I said I am wary of being his emotional crutch and that if something about his ex came up again, I would be done.

He said he had an out the first time he came to me and told me about his ex. But he didn't want to take it and he still doesn't.

I said yes, now is your chance. If you need to go deal with stuff, you don't have to worry about hurting me or confrontation, just take this chance now.

He still didn't want to.

I never heard him say anything about how he feels about me, other than 'I don't have it in me to cheat, and even when I see attractive girls I'm not interested, as I know I have you, this pretty girl to come back to'.

I never heard him say anything about love, but he did say he's not an overly emotionally demonstrative person. But he wants someone to be his best friend as well as lover and hopes it's me.

Then he said he had to go, told me to have a think and said 'you know where I am if you want me'.

I just felt numb, I want to believe him, but worry about just carrying on in circles. As I said I have no choice but to believe him, without evidence.

His whole body language was crossed arms and looking down at the floor and at his watch and wanting to go.

I guess it was not easy for him.

I didn't know what to do when he left.

It was a bit awkward.

This is where I'm at:

Reasons I don't feel like he's into me:

Telling me about dreaming about his ex

Distant

We can go days and nights where all I'll get is one peck on the lips. He'd rather sleep than kiss me/have sex.

Finding other girls' hair pin and ring

Wanting to go to a party where his ex might be, without me.

Might be messaging her I don't know for sure

Things he does that would suggest he does want me:

Introduced me to friends and parents

Spent his birthday, Xmas and New Years with me

Doesn't want to break up

Answers questions (truthfully is debatable)

Talks about what the next step might be for him and I.

Where are his feelings for you? There is no emotion or passion here. I s this good enough for you?

Do you think he is stringing you along?

He said he almost turned around/hoped my car wasn't there -because he didn't want to show up if I had already made up my mind and no point 'pleading his case'.Then he said he had to go, told me to have a think and said 'you know where I am if you want me'.

I read your story and most of the comments. I agree with most of them though. I do have a question for you: is this relationship good enough for you? Is this the kind of relationship you feel you want to be in and work on? If not: then nobody is holding you back to choose you and leave. If it is, then I woud take some time to think of all the things I would want to discuss and try and talk again. But there are so many times you can keep trying without getting much result.

I went to him after all this and we had dinner and just put all this stuff aside and had a nice night and were both able to laugh and relax and it was nice again. He made me dinner the next night and was affectionate. We are not spending tonight together and he did send a txt checking in, but I always only get sort of one word replies -'nice' 'okay' 'cool' 'ha'. I said 'Are you OK? What are you going to do with yourself tonight? I'll miss having you to curl up next to tonight' And he just says 'I'm fine. It seems quiet here'. Am I reading too much into it? I guess what I'm getting at is I'm used to dating guys who are usually the one saying things to me like 'I miss my girl' etc or just something nice or to make me smile. Maybe he is just not very expressive? But I do feel very close to giving up. I wonder what I am doing all this for. If he is just a quiet person and I keep nagging him or asking to discuss why I get such short responses, I think it's just going to kill any spontaneity too. I really do think I need to decide if I can handle any more or not. Was thinking to just respond less and less or only match the amount he does and see if he I initiates anything, then if not just slowly disappear and see if he even notices.

Tinder lol enough said.

Your texts sound like invitations he is not interested in. And that he is trying to curb the texting with one-word responses. Are you exclusive or is he still dating others? Unfortunately, he doesn't sound that interested.

I said 'Are you OK? What are you going to do with yourself tonight? I'll miss having you to curl up next to tonight' And he just says 'I'm fine. It seems quiet here'.