Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 I've tried to be super-civil, have asked if he wants help; I was a bit narky yesterday (when he told me he was leaving our home - well, my home - but wanted us to carry on seeing one another) but good God he's gone so COLD. Like a completely different person. But I know he's out with this woman, a friend who I've met, tonight (he didn't hide it - her mentioning getting a ticket for an event for him was on Facebook weeks ago...as was him telling her she was beautiful in a comment to a picture of him, her and their friend...a photo that is now on his phone's wallpaper). Yep I sound neurotic but lots of little things add up so things don't feel RIGHT don't they? He's left me before - and begged to come back after eight weeks of NC (why is it always eight weeks?). This time - exactly like last time - he wanted to move out and for us to carry on seeing each other. I agreed last time; and, as I suspected, the relationship ebbed into nothingness until he ended it. After eight weeks of No Contact he came back - this was almost three years ago and we've been together since. Past couple of months - complete change in character. We both work from home so we've been in the (very big) house all day every day. We've virtually lived on separate floors, mind. He's been going out more and more, staying out later and later... I really think he expected me to agree to the 'still seeing each other' thing but when I made it clear that wasn't a possibility he didn't try to talk about it or anything. He's so cold. It's hard to believe he ever cared at all. His plan was to leave next week (my birthday - nice!) but I said I'd rather he went sooner. Argh so...please don't let me say anything catty to him as he leaves! My ego wants to say 'Have a good night with [that woman]!' just so that he knows that I know but...it wouldn't help anything at all would it? Sorry, I'm venting a bit...an hour to go til his van arrives. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Sorry about that. It is the coldness that is the worse. Sounds bipolar to me. Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 Thank you for replying. It is isn't it? Also the really crap feeling that someone who claimed to love you wants to use you to try and get over you. Link to comment
Billie28 Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 He is not bipolar. He just wants out. So let him go. Say nothing. There will likely be a time later to talk if you think you feel the need to say something. But now is not the time and he won't be receptive to it either. Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 Thank you - good advice, I really appreciate it and will hold my tongue. Link to comment
gigiselle Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 ENN: Glad you said you'd rather see him leave sooner. Don't beg or plead. Don't contact him. Don't make it convenient for him. If he were to be able to speak with you I'd be different...but he can't or won't. The phone wallpaper was a "classy" touch. I'd go as far as leaving the house if you think you'll do something you regret. You'll need your self-respect to get over him....He surely sounds like he doesn't respect you. Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 Thank you so much, gigiselle - you are right (he doesn't know I noticed the phone wallpaper btw, he just didn't bother to hide it) and your words are giving me strength with 10 mins til the van arrives! I'm here in the basement with a sneaky G&T waiting for his footsteps (he's moving his stuff to the door, ready) to stop. THANK YOU. X Link to comment
gigiselle Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Enn: Be strong. Let him go. Don't call him, text him and please don't cry in front of him....it'll all make you feel worse. Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 THANK YOU, this helps more than you will know. XXX (Argh van picking him up is now 5 mins late!) Link to comment
Billie28 Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Enjoy your g&t and let him go. He has made up his mind. Nothing you say will make you feel better or make a difference. Stay strong! Link to comment
gigiselle Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Deep breaths. Allow yourself to grieve...massive HUGS! Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 THANK YOU so much Billie and Gigi! Van is about to drive off and I am MUTE thanks to you! XXX Link to comment
gigiselle Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Allow yourself to grieve but take care of you. Massive Hugs! Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 Aww thank you, hugs most appreciated! Van just drove off - he didn't even say goodbye or 'I'm off now'! Just left the key in the hall. I mean, it wouldn't have helped but...WHAT?! Anyway I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING YEAHHHHH!!! Link to comment
Billie28 Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Well done!!!! Be proud of how strong you were! Now, go pour yourself another g&t and tell us how you are feeling? But stop at 2! Unless you have friends to join you! Possibly deflated and that's understandable. What's the back story? You have been with him for a long time and this is the second time he wanted out? Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 THANK YOU. Oh God I passed two G&Ts hours ago! Can I stop at 22 maybe? Been up since 5.40am! Back story is ridiculous - huge age gap. I always expected it to end but it still hurts. Despite gap, we had a lot in common and together figured out a way to not have to work for other people. Unfortunately, this seems to have made him feel very unhappy. He said something about 'most of my friends' partners aren't their landlords.' I did consider burning my house down but thought better of it. But...this woman on his wallpaper is roughly my age too (but with 10-year-old)... Arghhh! Anyway though - THANK YOU!! Link to comment
gigiselle Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Well--you make your life decisions and he makes his. I don't know his age but something you said struck me as odd: Were you his landlord because you expect him to pitch in financially? Are you thinking if he were to have worked on his own and contributed to the household independently he wouldn't have felt as if you were his landlord? My mum's second husband was ten years younger than her and took care of ALLthe bills. Link to comment
Billie28 Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Why did you make an effort to have to not work for others? He was worried what others thought? What's the age gap? And how old are you? Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 By 'landlord' he just means I own the house - I wasn't his landlord in any legal sense, it's half-jokey...except when it isn't. ;-) In this part of the world it's pretty amazing for someone like me to have a house - the government has screwed over his generation even more and I really didn't want to add to that. So I didn't expect ANYTHING from him at all financially (I didn't need to, though to be honest if he hadn't offered to pitch in at all I might have thought he was taking advantage) but when I moved to this big house we just figured out a number for bills etc based on what he'd pay if he was on his own somewhere. Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 I just wanted financial independence. He took on a lot of my views...maybe this was one of them! He doesn't seem to be the sort of person who cares what others think though. Argh this is hard but - cringe - 18-year age gap. I am 44 next week but when (in bizarre situations) people have to guess, they are 10+ years out. Not that that makes any difference really. I really didn't expect it to last this long...I think the main thing is probably doing my best to gracefully letting it go. Link to comment
Billie28 Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 It's a big gap. But moreso because he is only 26. If he was 36 and you 54 it would be a different story. You are right to let him go. You didn't however mention when you got together? Link to comment
gigiselle Posted April 23, 2016 Share Posted April 23, 2016 Enn: You are at very different places in your life. This is NOT the man for you. 44 is not old...but 26 is very young. He is flipping/flopping all over the place as he should be. Women in 40's are ardent and vivacious....you need to apply your energies to someone who will appreciate them. Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 Oh yeah we talked about it to death. Well I mentioned it and he supposedly didn't care...I don't even think it's the age gap, as much as a long relationship being SO much longer when you are young. I'm sure every age-gap couple thinks they are an exception, and I didn't...but to my surprise, I got what I'd never got out of any previous relationship...we learned things from one another. We both acknowledge we have changed one another's lives. I have always been aware of how ridiculous it was, and given him every opportunity to get out. And I'm ready today - but it still hurts! BAH! Link to comment
Enn Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 Aw I love that gigiselle - I AM ARDENT AND VIVACIOUS!!! Totally agree with you. It's funny how the relationship that starts as ridiculous and just a laugh can span out for several years. Anyway, just getting through today and the next couple of weeks. Thanks so much for encouraging me to make a dignified exit. Link to comment
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