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Telling bf about meeting ex?


levie

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I have a bf now of one month - he asked me to be exclusive 2nd date, and introduced me as gf after, talks about marriage - so he seems very serious.

We were supposed to see each other today - he would be staying with me for the weekend - but said he has late evening meeting at work and so postponed our sleepover tomorrow.

 

My ex-bf from maybe 2-3 years ago is in town from Germany - he lives there now - we have become friends some time after we broke up

and while I like him as a person (mutually) there is no romantic interest from either side. We are just friends.

 

He invited me to lunch tomorrow - i haven't seen him in person in one or two years maybe. My bf is at work tomorrow

 

Do I need to tell him I'm meeting an ex/friend?

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Yes you can simply mention this: "My ex-bf from maybe 2-3 years ago is in town from Germany - He invited me to lunch tomorrow". On a side note talking marriage at one month is sort of a red flag.

I have a bf now of one month -talks about marriage. Do I need to tell him I'm meeting an ex/friend?
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For me its not different than meeting a woman friend. I don't tell my bf every time i see one of my girl friends. My ex/friend is just that a friend.

 

On a side note, My relationship w bf has rather progressed unusually quickly - he says he loves me, told about me to his family introduced me to all his friends. Planning a vacation in june and meeting his family in august. He follows through everything he says so far - gave me birthday present very early as well. I wasn't sure he was sincere but now I think he is.

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For me its not different than meeting a woman friend. I don't tell my bf every time i see one of my girl friends. My ex/friend is just that a friend.

 

this sounds like an argument for not telling him.

so I'll guess I'll ask you why are you asking us if there is no difference?

 

My other questions are: How you would feel if he did the same?

And how would he feel if he found out you spent the evening with an ex and didn't disclose it?

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For me its not different than meeting a woman friend. I don't tell my bf every time i see one of my girl friends. My ex/friend is just that a friend.

 

On a side note, My relationship w bf has rather progressed unusually quickly - he says he loves me, told about me to his family introduced me to all his friends. Planning a vacation in june and meeting his family in august. He follows through everything he says so far - gave me birthday present very early as well. I wasn't sure he was sincere but now I think he is.

 

 

its not the same. Are you nervous about his reaction? Better to be safe than sorry. Don't start relationships off with hiding things.

 

 

like what if he asked how your day went or what you did all day?

 

it looks worse when you hide things. maybe he wont care but at least you told him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

do you feel rushed with this relationship?

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This is a messy situation... I would guess that your ex didn't just spring this on you so you probably should have started the conversation with your current boyfriend earlier. Does he even know that this ex is a prominent figure in your life still?

 

bottom line, tell him or don't go... and don't be surprised if he's a little sour that this was sprung on him...

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I guess the larger question would be, why wouldn't you tell him?

If it were a woman friend would you tell him?

Why would this be any different?

.

 

If he asks what i'm doing for lunch on Saturday - of course I will tell him - I have no secrets.

 

What I am asking is = do I need especially to text him and tell him that i'm having lunch with him?

I would have told him in person if he came today - naturally as part of conversation.

It feels awkward to just text him and tell him this. I don't need his permission - he isn't my husband but I also don't want him to worry.

esp he has no reasons to.

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Even a lot of partners who would be cool with it would still like the option to process it. My girlfriend has had a lunch catch-up with an ex and I didn't mind at all. It also wasn't some odd abrupt thing that might have had me questioning the timing. Springing it on your guy the day before is pretty poor form. That said, if he's the type to be talking marriage just a month in, I'm not sure there would have been a good time to mention the lunch.

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No he did just spring up. I knew he would be coming to town next two weeks - and he is usually super busy and doesn't see me.

I texted him to wish happy passover today - and he asked me to lunch. its a total surprise

In your shoes, I'd ask your ex if he could do lunch another day so that you could shoot it by your boyfriend first. Your ex is only in town for a couple weeks and you're only doing lunch so I don't see why your boyfriend should have a problem with it, but it's still a basic courtesy to extend in a relationship.
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It sounds like you are a bit miffed at the bf for cancelling. However "secrets" are always by omission so the sentiment of "if he asks...I'll tell him" sounds evasive. No you don't need permission but if it comes out later it could be awkward. Why the hesitation over something so simple?

If he asks what i'm doing for lunch on Saturday - of course I will tell him - I have no secrets.

I would have told him in person if he came today.

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It sounds like you are a bit miffed at the bf for cancelling. However "secrets" are always by omission so the sentiment of "if he asks...I'll tell him" sounds evasive. No you don't need permission but if it comes out later it could be awkward. Why the hesitation over something so simple?

 

I agree and I was going to ask, but didn't - why the OP needed to preface the situation with the mention of the cancellation and then went on about meeting up with and ex. Unless one has something to do with the other.

If she had just posed the question itself, I will still answer the same way. But it wouldn't be suspect of a different motive.

It comes off as a justification.

If you are confident about it then no need for justification

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Sounds shady to me. A lie by omission is still a lie. I know i would be pissed if my significant other met up with an ex and neglected to tell me, especially if it had been planed in advance.

 

In all honesty, you sound like a lawyer looking for a loophole

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Honestly... If a guy started talking marriage within a month of dating, it would make me jump out of my skin. It shows he's too emotional, too rash, and likes to rush into things too quickly. This would not be a person - after dating one month - I would tell him I'm meeting up with an ex.

 

The guy you are meeting up with is a friend. Just tell him you are meeting with a friend and that he recently came to town from overseas and wants to catch up. Nothing more.

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I felt like prefacing that my bf cancelled - I would have told him in person - and it would be natural and normal and would not be a question.

Therefore my question as to whether I need to "specifically" text him and tell him. Cause now it ain't natural.

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If you don't want to tell him, don't. But texting vs. in person makes no difference if honesty is what you are looking for. However if splitting hairs about how to tell him seems to be away around letting him know.

Therefore my question as to whether I need to "specifically" text him and tell him. Cause now it ain't natural.
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Honestly... If a guy started talking marriage within a month of dating, it would make me jump out of my skin. It shows he's too emotional, too rash, and likes to rush into things too quickly. This would not be a person - after dating one month - I would tell him I'm meeting up with an ex.

 

The guy you are meeting up with is a friend. Just tell him you are meeting with a friend and that he recently came to town from overseas and wants to catch up. Nothing more.

 

Very good. I'll tell him i'm having lunch with friend. Because thats what he is.

I know it seems very rushed. but i'm not getting married after a month - he is just expressing his intent.

I am actually super fantastic and fabulous and I should be someone to be fallen in love with quickly.

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Very good. I'll tell him i'm having lunch with friend. Because thats what he is.

I know it seems very rushed. but i'm not getting married after a month - he is just expressing his intent.

I am actually super fantastic and fabulous and I should be someone to be fallen in love with quickly.

 

Well then . . Our work is done

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Very good. I'll tell him i'm having lunch with friend. Because thats what he is.

I know it seems very rushed. but i'm not getting married after a month - he is just expressing his intent.

I am actually super fantastic and fabulous and I should be someone to be fallen in love with quickly.

 

Being fantastic or fabulous or even the best woman there is in the world, has nothing to do with whether a man wants to move things quickly and talk about marriage so early on. It's got to do with the man himself. Great as you may be, a guy doesn't know you enough after 1 month to think I want to marry her, let alone to say it out loud, all they can know is, this woman is great and I'm really excited to be dating her and see where things go. They can't know that they want to marry you. It is expression of intent if they plan on, in the short term, to actually marry you. Right now it's just empty, pretty words.

 

My past experience has been when someone moves at lightening speed at the start and talking about the future like this, that things often fall apart after a little while (when you've actually had time to get to know each other and the honey moon period is over, over several months to a year), the behaviour represent the type of person they are, which is impulsive, making rash decisions without enough care and thought, making grand statements at will and not holding themselves accountable for the words that come out of their mouth. So I've classified it as a red flag, but that's just me.

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As for the original question about meeting the ex, my personal rule is, if this person is actually going to be a regular part of my life, eg in my friend circle, I would be disclosing fully our history and the nature of our current friendship. I would want to make sure my partner is ok with this person's ongoing presences as well as not be blindsided when he does inevitably find out there is a history (however he finds out).

 

If I'm just catching up randomly with a friend (ex or not) whom I don't see or talk to much if at all, I don't see why I need to tell my partner that and have him worry about what exactly is going on, why is she telling me this specifically when she never tells me about meeting up with other friends? If asked, I will state very accurately, I caught up with a friend that I hardly ever see and not close to, because that is exactly what they are now.

 

But honestly, I just avoid putting myself in these situations altogether by NOT meeting with an ex love interest (most of them on friendly terms). They are not part of my life anymore, we're friendly not friends, there's no need to catch up.

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Very good. I'll tell him i'm having lunch with friend. Because thats what he is.

I know it seems very rushed. but i'm not getting married after a month - he is just expressing his intent.

I am actually super fantastic and fabulous and I should be someone to be fallen in love with quickly.

 

A man with good boundaries should not even mention his intent of marriage after a month. He could tell the woman that his ultimate goal is to find a marriage partner and that is why he is dating - but he cannot possibly know enough about you or well enough and you don't know him well enough.

 

90% a man who is talking marriage to YOU in that short of a time and not just stating life goals and dating styles ends up being abusive - they want to sweep you off your feet, take you off the market, so to speak, as fast as they can before you truly know them and move quickly where a man with good boundaries tries to get to know you gradually and doesn't jump so fast. He may jump fast as in asking you on a date without really having talked much, etc, and taking a risk out on a limb, but you would not meet his whole family and be is intended wife after a few dates. He would be spending the next few months getting to know you and pursuing you - not talking marriage

 

The deal is already done, you decided you are just saying that you met with a friend - but beware that if you stay with him, it may come up someday - the ex boyfriend could surprise you in person next time he is in town, or you could mention how long its been since you have seen him and your bf does the math. Honestly, I think you should have told him. You did know your ex was coming in two weeks or during a two week period and if you knew that much, you have been communicating with him. It is too soon to talk of marriage if he doesn't know your friends and know your style is to communicate with old boyfriends and to keep in touch.

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