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Left me on our two year anniversary


DaniArizona

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Here's the thing.... I am well aware of the dusfunction that was my relationship. I'm well aware that I've only been making myself suffer. I am also well aware that in the long run this will be for the best.

The situation: (bare with me please, I'm typing this on my phone.... Watch out for errors).

My boyfriend "J" and I have been together for 2 years, besides a month long break up that occurred last September. I am much older than him, I'm almost 30, he just turned 25.

I work all the time and pay all the bills, while we are lucky if he makes enough doing side jobs (for his mom) to buy us a pack of smokes.

We live in his hometown, 400 miles away from mine and from my friends and family. Since we've lived here (1 1/2 years) everyone in his family has stayed with us from his sister and her boyfriend, to one of his brothers and his girlfriend, to another one of his brothers who somehow managed to break BOTH of my computers), to his drug addict dad and his girlfriend. No one paid rent, no one cleaned behind themselves, none of them worked.

The stress caused us to break up the first time and I was devastated without him. We get back together and things are okay at first.

But than things went down hill real quick. He still wasn't working, still not putting effort into finding a job, he had just gotten back visitation of his 6 year old daughter on the weekends that I had to buy Christmas gifts for and stock up the apartment with toys for her (keep in mind, I, by choice, have no children, not to say I dont love his daughter whole heartedly because I do adore her).

When I get home I want nothing to do but Lay on the couch and cuddle with him, but instead I come home to a messy house with dog pooh everywhere because he's too lazy to even take them out. Not only is the (one bedroom) apartment trashed, but every day I come home he's all of a sudden "needed" at either his dad's house (who, btw, I had to give CPR to a two weeks ago because he overdosed on heroin), or at our neighbor's (an older guy who's crazy and very much an alcoholic) and "J" would be gone for hours!

My work life is also not on the up and up and my job causes much more frustration than I actually get paid to deal with, and when I come home upset about work and try to vent to him about my job he gets defensive as if I'm venting about him and screams and yells and takes off.

Last night was our anniversary. Well the night before was but we just fought about him going to the neighbors so last night I tried to make it special. It was going well until his dad called and asked him to come over. "J" said yes and I of course got upset which led to a huge fight. He told me he loved me still, than got up. I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said he didn't know. I asked again and he said "figure it out" and walked out.

He did not spend the night at his dad's so I have no idea where he spent the night. He won't return my (2) calls or my (2) texts (simply saying "hey, what's up?" And "is the kitchen sink safe to use?") (we had a leak in the sink that he tried fixing yesterday.)

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Unfortunately he is in the grips of a severely addicted, dysfunctional family...so of course that bleeds in...particularly given the proximity...and his availability. He seems to run to his family to deal with anything...just as they run to him with everything.

So it isn't about spoiled anniversaries...it's about chronic chaos...The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

I am well aware of the dysfunction that was my relationship. My boyfriend "J" and I have been together for 2 years, besides a month long break up that occurred last September. I'm almost 30, he just turned 25.

 

He still wasn't working, still not putting effort into finding a job, he had just gotten back visitation of his 6 year old daughter on the weekends.

 

I come home he's all of a sudden "needed" at either his dad's house (who I had to give CPR to a two weeks ago because he overdosed on heroin).

 

dad called and asked him to come over. "J" said yes and I of course got upset which led to a huge fight. I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said he didn't know. I asked again and he said "figure it out" and walked out. I have no idea where he spent the night.

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And what good and positive things does he bring to the table??? I know being alone sucks....but I'd rather be alone, than be in this dysfunctional relationship that brings NOTHING but anguish.

 

Sounds like all he brings to the table is a pack of smokes.

 

Not enough reason to stay....

 

Is it YOUR house? He needs to go...and of course he won't...cuz he's dependent on YOU!

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Can you move back there without him? The problems would not cease if he were to come with you because the family's proximity is only a small part of a giant problem...most of it conveniently displaced on his family...but it's him.

He's not on the lease.I know he has to go

I just can't help feeling that if I were closer (distance) to my family, this wouldn't hurt as bad.

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No, I know without him I can actually save money... No one else to have to feed, not having to spend a bunch of $ on cleaning supplies to clean up after everyone.... It's just the thought of dinners alone and no one to greet when I come home that's hurting pretty fiercely.

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Home is in Arizona. I'm in Colorado. I don't have a car or license right now so I'd have to pay ($3000) to get my license back, buy a car and have money for my own place when I get there. Or at least save up enough for a storage unit and enough money to pay someone the gas to lug all my stuff out there. But I'd rather not have to live with anyone before getting my own place.

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You have been with this a while so as irksome as it is, his crazy family seems like part of the package deal.

There is no way. Him and his siblings were in and out of foster care growing up. His syblings barely speak to their dad but "J" acts as though he owes his dad the world.
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It's just the thought of dinners alone and no one to greet when I come home that's hurting pretty fiercely.

 

Somehow I think dinner alone pales in comparison to this:

 

I work all the time and pay all the bills, while we are lucky if he makes enough doing side jobs (for his mom) to buy us a pack of smokes.

He still wasn't working, still not putting effort into finding a job, he had just gotten back visitation of his 6 year old daughter on the weekends that I had to buy Christmas gifts for and stock up the apartment with toys for her

I come home to a messy house with dog pooh everywhere because he's too lazy to even take them out.

the (one bedroom) apartment trashed

every day I come home he's all of a sudden "needed" at either his dad's house (who, btw, I had to give CPR to a two weeks ago because he overdosed on heroin), or at our neighbor's (an older guy who's crazy and very much an alcoholic) and "J" would be gone for hours!

When I come home upset about work and try to vent to him about my job he gets defensive as if I'm venting about him and screams and yells and takes off.

I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said he didn't know. I asked again and he said "figure it out" and walked out.

He did not spend the night at his dad's so I have no idea where he spent the night. He won't return my (2) calls or my (2) texts.

 

This is severely unhealthy and dysfunctional.

I think you know in your heart that you could move if you really wanted to. Colorado and Arizona are not very far apart, relatively speaking. Sell everything, get on a bus, and go to your family.

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Oh Man, just ask your family to loan you the money to get back to them. This sounds like a living hell which the vast majority of people would do ANYTHING to get away from. Not least of which, carrying on living with this deadbeat could see you take up a vile addiction to heroin or similar. Run Forrest, run!

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The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. You must realize after living together this long that he is the same as his family and blood is thicker than water. The anniversary thing sound quite minor compared to this.

Yeah, well tip of the iceberg, I was sorting out his things just now and just found a makeshift pipe used to smoke pills or heroin out of!
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Being alone for some time till you get more on your feet will hurt, but it would not be as damaging as staying in that dysfunctional situation! They are not your family, and he isn't that good of a boyfriend. Very, very unhealthy and useless, not improving but making your life worse. Loneliness would be better! It only hurts sharply at times, other times it is ok. And you could use the extra freed-up time to try and get into some social activities. Maybe even some online clubs and friends whom you could meet in life.

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Being "alone" does not suck!

 

But that mindset will keep you stuck in a relationship with someone who isn't worth the time and money you put into it.

 

Now that he's gone you can save money to move back home.

 

Question...if he comes back, will you let him stay and start the dysfunction all over again?

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You must be staying for a reason such as great sex or both getting of you getting high...maybe just him more so? It's unbelievable this guy has kids. You sound very enmeshed with him and his family.

Well icing on the cake, as soon as I found that pipe, "J"'s daughter got dropped off unexpectedly so I called his mom (who's going to pick her up in a few) and told her about the pipe.
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I think we often get paralyzed wondering what it's like on the other side of making the decision to leave.

I know I did, but when he was actually gone I never felt so at peace in my life. No more chaos, no more adversary. Yes, it got lonely at times but I quickly filled that void with friends, activities and enjoyed the time I had by myself where I didn't have to deal with all the nonsense.

 

Plus it frees you to heal, move on and possibly meet someone better suited at a later time. At this rate it just pulls you further away from ever realizing it.

 

The irony here is he doesn't `add' any value to your life. He (and his family takes away from it) So ultimately you are alone and depleted as long as you stay.

 

You've be halfway whole if you ventured out on your own.

Take a bus and ask your family if they can take you in for a few weeks.

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