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Reconciliation


Clinton

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I’ve seen an awful lot of posts about reconciliation lately and why you should never go back to an ex because they dumped you and they are evil personified.

 

The advice I usually give is to go NC and carry on with your life and let the future take care of itself.

 

But reconciliations do occur. Ones that last are rare, but they happen. I won’t argue statistics because I’ve seen all kinds but suffice it to say, a lasting reconciliation isn’t common.

 

Most often, in reality, your ex isn’t an evil narcissistic demon and you aren’t a snow white angel.

 

In the vast majority of cases there's fault on both sides that killed the relationship off. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a breakup where there wasn’t blame to be shared, my own included.

 

And sometimes in life, you only realise what you had when it’s gone. It’s not that they can’t find anything better, or they’re bored, or that you’re just a transition to the next one. People are flawed and they make bad decisions sometimes, or they aren’t at the right stage of life to be in a relationship.

 

All that to say, if you actually cared about someone, and violence or infidelity or anything heinous wasn’t involved in the breakup, what harm is there in actually giving it a shot again if the opportunity presents itself?

 

In the end it’s your decision to try or not. But all these hard and fast rules of, never, never, never take someone back are starting to grate on my nerves a little.

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Thank you for saying this. I've kept to myself more instead of posting mainly because...I was worried people on here were tired of hearing it....or I'd just get the old, "get over her, move on, be there for the child" etc. etc. I'd try again if the chance arises. Nothing even came close to being bad enough to never try again.

 

I appreciate you posting this Clinton.

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I have seen it happen and the relationships were even better the second time around. The key was that they didn't get back together from loneliness or because the reasons why they broke up faded from their memories, they got back together because they used the time apart to grow and learn and yes look back at the relationship and see things in a true light.

 

There are many relationships that should end and for good reasons but trying again from a healthy place even if it doesn't work out can be good for all involved.

 

Note: This in no way means I want to reconcile with my ex wife!!! In the history of bad ideas that would be near the top. I got a cold chill just typing that

 

Lost

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lostandhurt.....your note made me chuckle.....I wouldn't reconcile with my exwife either, under no circumstances. I'd never put myself in that situation again...ever...never. My exgirlfriend though, yeah, I'd try again, and not from loneliness (which is never a good reason to try again...that's just setting yourself up for failure) but because we really are a good match and I still love her.

 

I'm still laughing about your ex wife comment....that's just.....so very true LOL.

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Whether or not revisiting a relationship with an ex is a good idea, and the chances of that working out depends 100% of the reason the breakup occurred in the first place. The problem is that people who hurt will justify going back to the exes in any way they can, even if the reasons for the breakup were very valid and the breakups were the right thing to do. They create all sorts of excuses and minimize the ex partner's downfalls and issues between them only so that they can feel less silly for going back to an unfortunate relationship. That's not good and it will never end well.

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Whether or not revisiting a relationship with an ex is a good idea, and the chances of that working out depends 100% of the reason the breakup occurred in the first place. The problem is that people who hurt will justify going back to the exes in any way they can, even if the reasons for the breakup were very valid and the breakups were the right thing to do. They create all sorts of excuses and minimize the ex partner's downfalls and issues between them only so that they can feel less silly for going back to an unfortunate relationship. That's not good and it will never end well.

 

And that's OK. People will do what their heart tells them to do no matter what advice is offered on here. I honestly don't believe anyone who really wants to contact an ex has ever been dissuaded to do so by anything said on here.

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There's an infinite amount of variables to a success reconciliation. Which is exactly why no one can or will ever be able to pinpoint what must take place for it to occur, otherwise they'd be billionaires. To the eyes of human beings, part of it is chance or luck, which is just a euphemism for something greater that we cannot comprehend.

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I agree with you Clinton. I broke up with my then BF when we were dating and ended up getting and staying married for 17 years. So I would consider that a successful reunion, even though we are divorced now and that was for other reasons, but we are still friends. The reason for the breakup was I had 2 kids from my first marriage and he was having some doubts about being a stepdad. There was nothing bad or awful going on, just a decision that he had to make for himself.

 

So I will say it does happen and it does work out for some. Its just about working on the issues and making a committment to work it through together and trusting that you are both on the same page. But never go back if there is abuse or drugs/alcohol addiction, infidelity etc.

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I'm all one for challenging conventional wisdom but sometimes we have to realise that conventional wisdom often comes from years of experience borne out over several generations.

 

I never tell anyone they are stupid for seeking a reconciliation but I point out that the stats are against it. It doesn't mean that the stats can't be beaten but it means that we should not spend our lives hoping for something that is unlikely to happen.

 

The main reason I would not seek a reconciliation with an ex is that I've been with the same partner for over 20 years and would never cheat on her. I reconciled with one ex because I missed the naughty bits. A poor reason, I admit.

 

Also, I sometimes see people wanting to reconcile when they have described a relationship on here in a negative way. "Beware what YOU WISH FOR" is what I say.

 

So, to sum up, reconciliation can happen and can work but you should be sure that whatever caused the split can be mended. Also, pining for an ex with the idea that life can only get better if you reconcile is not a great way to spend a life.

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I have reconciled and I have never returned as well.

 

All I know is in order to have a successful reconciliation both parties need to forensically dissect what went wrong, own their own parts in the demise of the relationship, learn from it and come up with concrete plans to do things differently. This often does not happen.

 

People merely miss each other, stuff the bad stuff and reconcile out of loneliness, need and other unhealthy reasons only to repeat the same mistakes again.

 

I've had an ex want to pick up where we left off. As tempting as it was, I tested it to see if we are open to owning our own s*** and doing things differently. When I felt resistance, I closed the door.

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The main reason I would not seek a reconciliation with an ex is that I've been with the same partner for over 20 years and would never cheat on her.

 

Well I think it's fairly safe to say that if you're in a happy committed relationship, reconciliation with an ex is off the table

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In one case, I didn't do much that was morally wrong but I did a lot of things that were wrong for my partner at the time. However, if I'd have behaved the way my ex wanted me to behave when I met my wife, I wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes.

 

It begs the question: how much compromising can/should you do for a partner and wouldn't it be better finding someone you are more compatible with and don't need to make so many compromises?

 

I'm more inclined to the latter and now more aware of personality traits that would be dealbreakers for me in a long term relationship.

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Reconciliations can and do happen. I know of a couple that have resulted in marriage. But most dumpees that come to this site aren't equipped with the necessary mindset to make this happen, which is why this board tends to skew toward No Contact and tends to be "negative" about reconciliation. The vast majority of dumpees looking for reconciliation hope fit in one of three categories: a) desperate to the point of losing all self-respect and dignity, which is a killer b) in denial or delusion and think that their ex can't be serious or c) think life is some sort of romantic comedy movie where if they want something enough, it will magically happen. If you're in one of those three categories, you're almost certainly pissing into the wind.

 

In my experience, reconciliations that stick and don't turn into some needy, co-dependent breakup-makeup cycle, have these elements.

 

1. Considerable time of very little to absolutely no contact. You can't progress past the breakup if you continue to circle the person who broke up with you or allow them to use you at their convenience. This allows you to reset your emotions to near zero, which is crucial.

 

2. Both parties need to evolve. Almost all breakups are the fault of both parties to an extent. Therefore, if either one is completely stagnant, then any reconciliation is pointless and fleeting.

 

3. The dumper is the driving force of the reconciliation. The person who made the break should do the majority of the heavy lifting, especially in the beginning. If you're a forced dumper (someone who dumped due to some sort of betrayal or terrible behavior from the dumpee) this doesn't apply to you, but in standard breakups, the dumper needs to be the one to drive it.

 

4. You must be willing to get into a new relationship with this person, not reboot the old one. The old one failed, there's no reason to go back. While you don't have to forget about it, you do have to move past it and be able to treat the reconciliation as a new thing.

 

Just my thoughts based on my experiences and those around me.

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Exactly, Shane.

 

".....which is why this board tends to skew toward No Contact and tends to be "negative" about reconciliation. The vast majority of dumpees looking for reconciliation hope fit in one of three categories: a) desperate to the point of losing all self-respect and dignity, which is a killer b) in denial or delusion and think that their ex can't be serious or c) think life is some sort of romantic comedy movie where if they want something enough, it will magically happen."

 

They are suffering from a combination of malignant nostalgia and malignant optimism.

 

As in" Maybe s/he wasn't that bad after all", and "maybe I can, with self-sacrifice and "love" get him/her to change his/her ways".

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Exactly, Shane.

 

".....which is why this board tends to skew toward No Contact and tends to be "negative" about reconciliation. The vast majority of dumpees looking for reconciliation hope fit in one of three categories: a) desperate to the point of losing all self-respect and dignity, which is a killer b) in denial or delusion and think that their ex can't be serious or c) think life is some sort of romantic comedy movie where if they want something enough, it will magically happen."

 

They are suffering from a combination of malignant nostalgia and malignant optimism.

 

As in" Maybe s/he wasn't that bad after all", and "maybe I can, with self-sacrifice and "love" get him/her to change his/her ways".

OMG my mom did that more times with my dad than I care to count. I swear if she had done it one more time .......

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In the end it’s your decision to try or not. But all these hard and fast rules of, never, never, never take someone back are starting to grate on my nerves a little.

 

I agree that reconciliations can happen and it's up to the person to try or not. I think the only thing I can say is that it takes two to make a relationship. The problem with a lot of the folks on this site is that only one of the two (generally the dumpee) is the one who is trying to reconcile. And often the dumpees are trying to read the tea leaves to see if their ex wants them back.

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And that's OK. People will do what their heart tells them to do no matter what advice is offered on here. I honestly don't believe anyone who really wants to contact an ex has ever been dissuaded to do so by anything said on here.

 

I have no doubt about that. I usually hope the advice people get here will at the very least get stored somewhere at the backs of their minds and will marginally influence their decisions, but do I really believe anyone has ever followed the advice received to a T? No, not at all. Deep down I think it's natural to want to experience everything on your own skin and deal with the downfalls, because trusting others is not as easy as it sounds and it can give way to those nasty "what ifs".

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Very good point. "The devil you know" is never a good reason to consider it.

I have seen it happen and the relationships were even better the second time around. The key was that they didn't get back together from loneliness or because the reasons why they broke up faded from their memories, they got back together because they used the time apart to grow and learn and yes look back at the relationship and see things in a true light.
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Thanks for posting this.

I have also had similar thoughts as well.

 

In my experience, I took back a person who dumped me and it turned out great. We are not together but reasons aren't close to what the first of ending things were about. We literally had to move different countries for work/college. So we ended it but also added that whatever happens in the future, if we find one another again, then why not. There's no hurt feelings and no resentment. The first time we broke up, I was crazy! Let's just say I was young, immature, and had some growing up to do! Which I inevitably did and we got back together after awhile. We never even had plans to reconcile haha but hey the relationship went a lot smoother and it was nice and better then the first time.

 

If no introspection was done and people didn't work on themselves then things will repeat. Can an alcoholic recover? Yes! Can someone emotionally mature? Yes! Can therapy do wonders? Absolutely! Can building sense of confidence while single help a person be less codependent? Yep. The thing is, for some people a breakup is a "wake up call".

And to others... They view themselves as victims of an assassin who broke their heart down.

There's always something to work on even if you did no harm.

Nobody is perfect.

But people do change and evolve.

It's important to take note when your ex is doing things to change/evolve.

Perhaps you meant a lot to them, enough to want to make these changes for you but also for them permanently.

All im saying is, leaving your heart partially open without telling them, would be nice.

Unless of course you were truly wronged and feel you cannot see this person changing. For example, I dated an abusive man who laid hands on me. My perspective of him changed dramatically. I look at him with coldness in my eyes. What he did to me, I can forgive but can't forget. I understand for many others variables are all different and it all depends. But for me in my own special case; I refuse to take him back regardless if he gets therapy/help. My love for him diminished and I also learned that I can no longer stand his ex wife who was constantly in my face and used him as emotional support especially when we'd be on date night. I felt like he was dating me and her. It was rather annoying. Considering she had a bf of her own.

 

Needless to say, never say never

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