I dumped my boyfriend because he convinced himself I cheated when I didn't

Hi everyone,

This forum is amazing and I can't wait to read more stories.

This is my story. Sorry this is going to be a long first post but I don't know how to shorten it. I wrote everything out that has happened over 3 years but it ended up being 7,000 words and I wasn't even nearly finished. I've tried to summarise it the best I can but the post still doesn't even have all the things he did to . I think writing it out in detail helped me enormously. I'm not going over everything in my head and constantly trying to remember it all.

I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Our relationship was rocky at best. He has drug issues, gambling problems, ADHD and a very paranoid personality.

Some of the incidents that happened over the years.. this isn't really whats bothering me anymore I just wanted to write it out for whoever is interested. I can't believe some of the things I'm writing out and how stupid I was to stay. Feel free to skip to the next list further down (but you'll miss out on some crazy stuff!!)

• Borrowing money from me and never paying me back. He borrowed it for buying car parts from eBay, buying drugs and gambling. Over 3 years he owes me around $10,000 from borrowing money and also supporting him for almost 2 years after he quit his job. I'll never get that money back.
  
• Stealing money from my room and my brothers room (I was sick of him borrowing money and I told him I had none. He "accidentally" found my stash in my room and wasn't planning on taking it, but then remembered that I lied to him about not having money so he did take it. Thats how he justified it)
  
• Constantly talking to girls and even meeting up with some throughout our relationship. He banned me from speaking to basically any males and I didn't exactly obey him at first. He never forgave me for that and even when I didn't speak to anyone for years he continued to do it just to spite me.
  
• Just general lying about everything... talking to girls, smoking ice and other drugs, where he was, what he was doing, how he felt about me. So many lies!!!
  
• Taking my phone by force and going through it. Sometimes he would even keep it for days. He would change settings, he'd contact boys from my phone asking them if they wanted to come over. For example I had a uni assignment with a male. R asked him from my phone if he wanted to come over late at night. He didn't respond and when I inevitably ran into him at uni I was forced to explain that it wasn't actually me. Embarrassing!!
  
• Ruined my 19th birthday. We went for breakfast with my family and when we got home I thought he was going to spend the day with me. He ended up leaving straight away claiming he had work to do (it was a public holiday!) I knew he was going to smoke weed. I begged him to stay but he wouldn't. I got a call saying I needed to go and pick him up as he was pulled over for DUI. I waited for hours while they drug tested him, then I had to drive him to go get weed, then 45 minutes to his house, where I was stuck as he wouldn't/couldn't drive me back in. I was pretty pissed off in the car and he got angry that I wasn't supporting him when he was being charged and that it was my fault he went on that particular road as he wasn't going to get weed until I started "being a " about him leaving.
  
• Chucked a hissy fit in my dads ute because I didn't want to drive him to get drugs. He threw by handbag up and down and smashed the windscreen and broke the rear view mirror.
  
• He wanted to go out to his property to smoke and I didn't want to go. I had my car and I didn't want to drive 45 minutes one way to his farm to watch him smoke bongs. I asked if we could go to mine and if he wanted to go he could get his dad to come get him. He said no. We went to a petrol station and he wouldn't give me the keys to my car and I wouldn't move from the drivers seat. We sat there for almost 2 hours until I gave up and just agreed to drive him out there.
  
• A similar situation. We went to the movies and we were going to go back to mine after. However he wanted to go and smoke at his farm. I refused and turned left when he wanted me to turn right. He pulled the hand break and went off at me. I lost my cool and punched him in the nose! He lost his cool and receptively punched the interior of the car, which pushed the radio in. I would have never have acted like this at the start of the relationship, I used to just be quiet and do want he wanted. I'd give him a bit of attitude at worst. My fuse was getting shorter and the relationship was failing because he wasn't getting what he wanted.
  
• We had an argument at his farm, I wanted to leave, he wouldn't let me. He took my phone and said I could have it back when I stopped "being a ". After hours I ended up trying to leave without the phone. He snatched my bag took my keys and took a note out of my wallet. When I aggressively tried to take it back he threw me onto the bed and eye gouged me. His dad ended up coming in and driving me into down, even he couldn't get my keys back. R ended up speeding after us. He was crying hysterically, he handed my phone back (not keys), then speeded into town (to buy drugs with the money he took from me).
  
• R didn't have a job anymore (he stopped turning up). He claimed he needed a car to work for his dad, so my dad lent him the ute which was only meant for a few days or just for when he needs to pick up building supplies. R ended up keeping the ute even after I asked for it back so many times. I ended up getting dropped off to his house one night so I could drive the ute back in the morning. He found out and hid the keys. I went to sleep then found the keys in the morning and snuck out. He chased me down the driveway and then threatened that if I didn't bring it back he would come and smash it at my work. I ignored this and went to work. He came in and told me to go upstairs to the carpark to talk to him, I refused. He came back down with the numberplate of my car ripped off and told me to go upstairs or he would smash it. I went upstairs and he started yelling and walking towards me, I ran away in fear and called the police. $3,000 worth of damage to my car. He claims he had to do it because he said he was going to do it and he always keeps his word. My parents and I didn't lay charges.
  
• R moved to a country town to get off drugs. Everything seemed to be going well and he seemed to have changed. I went there for a weekend and we were out at a bar. He asked if I wanted a drink, and I gave him my card to go buy one. He left me with strangers for 30 minutes before I went in and saw him walking out of the gambling area straight to the ATM.
  
• R came back and spent some nights with me at nice hotels. We had a great time til the last night, we had an argument because he was accusing me of infidelity (again). He physically pushed me out of the hotel. Then he went to another girls house to smoke and chill with her and he ignored me for the rest of the night. He never told me this happened. He kept messaging her, so I messaged her saying stop talking to my boyfriend. She wrote back saying that R came over but they didn't do anything. When I asked him he denied that he went there and said she was lying. I believed him. After we broke up he told me the truth in an attempt to hurt me.
  
• R flipped out at me for something in my phone. After hours of going through it he wouldn't give it back even though I had work. I asked nicely, then tried to take it by force which got violent. I started slapping him and punching him but he was never hurt. He tried to walk out with my phone but I closed the door and crouched down. He slapped me over the head 5 times and said "how do you like it?" I had a hockey stick next to me and hit him on his leg. He snatched it and hit me back. He then grabbed my phone and laptop, tried to walk out. I jumped on him and put him into a sleeper hold on the bed but he eye gouged me to get out of it. I pretended to calm down so he would go outside for a cigarette. When he did I locked him out. He kicked the door down and rushed in to pull the phone from the wall so I couldn't call anyone. He smashed a mug which damaged a kitchen tile. He demanded I come with him in the car or he would smash my laptop and phone. I did. He took me to a secluded carpark and hit me over and over again. I tried to run away but he'd grab me and drag me back into the car. He even drove after me and hit me with the open car door which knocked me down. An "accident" he says. He drove us somewhere else and made me call my parents. He wanted me to say it was me who broke into the house and there was no need for police to be involved. I quickly told my mum where I was and they were on their way. R begged for me to get into the car with him I said no. Then he would go back to threatening to break my stuff. I still didn't go with him. He ended up getting out of the car and putting my laptop under the wheel and driving over it. He "didn't mean to do that, it was an accident". He threw my phone out the window as he drove off. My parents and I didn't place charges.
  
• He really hates when I walk out during an argument. I try my hardest to resolve it but I can't when all he is doing is accusing me of illogical bull___. He has chased after me and stood in front of my car then claimed I tried to run him over. Sometimes I spoke to him through a slot in my car window because I was frightened of what he would do. He ended up shoving his hands in and pushing the window down.
  
• He sat outside my work day after day. He chased me in his car twice and tried to force me to pull over.
  
• He picked me up from a party at around 9pm and said he'd take me home whenever I wanted. He took me to a secluded area and didn't let me go home until 5am.
  
• I went over after work one night and he wanted my phone. I gave it to him. He flipped out at me because my iCloud does automatic back ups when it's in wifi. He is convinced that I do it manually to erase data which is just the complete opposite to what a back up does. I've tried to explain this to him like he is a 5 year old but nothing goes through. He got really angry even though I was cooperating and ended up bending my phone and taking my car key. I ran away because he was scaring me. His dad dropped my phone and key off in the morning. My phone had the sim card reader filed out. He told his dad that I was acting crazy and that I scratched and punched him for no reason and that he left my phone and key outside, I looked at it and didn't take it and he didn't know why. What a manipulative jerk!
   
   
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  Now this is whats getting to me.. Being called a cheater when I was only so good to him. Him going around and saying we broke up because I was fooling around. I'm so annoyed! I'm annoyed he is spreading rumours, but I'm more annoyed he is that delusional he thinks they are actually true.
   
  
• I had a crap day at work. R wanted me to come over and was sending me horny messages. I wasn't in the mood and I didn't rush over. When I got home from work I spent about 30 minutes there, had a shower then got ready to go to his. Like I said I wasn't in the mood but I never was (not after everything he had done) and it was putting a strain on the relationship. I put a bit of lube on before I left. I was just trying to make an effort. I got to his and he knew I had a bad day but didn't care he just wanted sex. He ended up going down on me but I didn't want it and made him stop. Once he realised he wasn't going to get anything he started accusing me of sleeping with someone before I came to see him. I work 3 jobs and in the 30 minutes I have spare he thinks I'm sleeping with someone else. Apparently I had the exact amount of lube on to what a condom would leave and I was a "dirty " for letting him lick me after someone had been there.
  
• Another day at work I wasn't feeling well so I wore gym clothes. There was only 1 other person in the office and I had no meetings so who cares. He messages me saying he had bad news and wanted to meet up when I finished work. I finished early but he was already waiting outside. For hours he pretended everything was fine and wouldn't speak to me about anything substantial. Once we got back to his, he started questioning me and accusing me again. Apparently I was a for wearing gym leggings and I would never wear something like that to work. He claims he saw me getting dropped off at work in a white SUV just before I met with him. Apparently someone with the exact same clothes who looked exactly the same as me got dropped off. What a joke. I offered him my timesheet and my frequent locations which show I was at work all day but it didn't matter. He thinks he saw me and thats it. I wonder how this day would of gone if I just didn't wear gym clothes to work?!
  
• He has tracked me, put a recording device outside my window, come and looked through my window when I'm asleep, sat outside my house all night. He is crazy! He sat outside my house and claims he saw a male I work with leaving my house at 1:30am. He claims he could hear moaning through his recording device. He saw a photo of me at a party and thinks that he saw a photo of me dancing with my hand on a guys package, then he looked at the photos later on and the photo had been photoshopped to remove that part. LOONEY!!
  
• He has called me one day saying he was thinking straight and if I say I hadn't done anything then he believed me. The next day he would go back to accusing me. He didn't even remember the first phone call.
  
• He told me on two occasions that he cheated on me, then he retracts it and said he was lying? After we broke up he said he never did anything except go to breakfast with his (attractive) housemate who he flirted with in front of me. And that time at his friends house, which I have no idea what he means of what happened, thats all he said about it.
  
• When we first started dating he accidentally sent me a message saying " bro my pink bits are on their way how you travelling?" which I assume was to a drug dealer. I guess he never respected me and is chauvinistic like his father.
  
• He is claiming that it's my fault that he hasn't excelled and that I was holding him back.
  
• He keeps rubbing things in my face like getting head from a girl after we broke up (meanwhile I was making a photo collage for him). He also said he slept with a girl, then a couple of days later said he didn't!
  
• His friends have said I'm not worth it and I'm a worthless which really got to me. I know I'm not worthless and I know I'm not a but the fact that people could think that of me when I was only ever nice, polite and had the best intentions for everyone else. I would put people I've just met ahead of myself and jump through hoops for anyone.
  
• He has been accusing me of sleeping with his best friend because he read a message from his friends phone that he was going to the coast. Then R decided that I was going to the coast with him for some crazy reason. He has something in his head then when he reads a message or sees something he doesn't see reality he sees the stupid made up things in his head.
  This was actually a blessing in disguise because now his friends, who believed him, actually know he is crazy!
  

I had a look at some old messages from when we first started dating and I can't believe I just went a long with him, and didn't see half the stuff I can see today. I never valued myself much, I still don't. I have a hard time saying no to people and standing up for myself. It was a real weakness and it's taken this long for me to work up the courage to know I'm better. I just couldn't comprehend that someone could be so horrible when I hadn't done anything wrong to them. He was my first boyfriend and I have always felt unwanted so I guess thats why I stayed with him for so long, because he really wanted me. He clearly has some serious mental health issues on top of his ADHD which make him very over the top. I'm thinking he definitely has PPD but the fact he won't acknowledge it I don't know how he will ever get rid of it. He is court ordered to see psychologists but I can't imagine he is telling them what he needs to.

He's still messaging me calling me a etc. When I don't reply for a few days his attitude changes and he gets more desperate to talk to me. My problem has been that I keep biting back and messaging back but I will bite anymore! Goodbye a$$hole!!

This says it all: 'What a manipulative jerk!' Hopefully you will get out and cease all contact. This isn't about his drug and legal and financial and psychiatric and jealousy problems...It's an abusive relationship. Stop engaging and enabling. Contact domestic violence agencies for proper info and tips to get out of this for good.

I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Borrowing money from me and never paying me back. buying drugs and gambling. I had to drive him to go get weed. What a manipulative jerk!

Glad to hear that you're not biting anymore. I understand being called a cheater when you're not is painful, but that was really the only thing left for him to do. All the behaviours you've posted above were all pointing in him going in this direction. He was abusive, this relationship was abusive.

Block him and focus on taking care of yourself. Think about trying to access some councelling services.

I would of immediately stopped dating a person the moment I found out they were stealing, doing narcotics, or was purposely breaking/taking my personal belongings. I have ADHD and this disability doesn't excuse his behavior (also, please do not throw that label here on ENA as it will offend several posters).

You had quite the laundry list of dealbreakers. You lent this guy $10K and continued to give him money? Yikes! This list shouldn't have to be that long or have escalated the way it did if you took control of the situation much sooner. Hopefully you learned from this experience to know what will be you're deal breakers for the next person you date. This guy clearly took advantage of you and you let him by not leaving the relationship sooner.

Those that go around blaming their loved ones for cheating....are usually the ones that did the deed themselves!

Let me get this straight -- he uses drugs, steals, lies, is physically and emotionally abusive but you only left him because he decided that you cheated? Please stay away from him and find a good therapist who deals with domestic abuse. You need to do a lot of work before you even consider being in another relationship.

This was your first boyfriend?!?! OMG. You will also need some counseling as 3 years with an abuser which is also the only 'romantic' (i use that word loosely) relationship you have known, is going to have taken it's toll. Distract yourself. Dont respond to him.

It's going to be tough from here on in because you can't blame your bf anymore for a lot of poor decisions you've made in your life so far but I wish you well. What should happen when you are young you make mistakes and upon reflection you'd think geez that was really stupid I won't make those mistakes again. What seems to have happened here is that you've piled all of the stupid things in your life and layed the blame onto your bf. Hopefully in time you might discover life is not really that simple.

I would of immediately stopped dating a person the moment I found out they were stealing, doing narcotics, or was purposely breaking/taking my personal belongings. Good for you.

I have ADHD and this disability doesn't excuse his behaviour (also, please do not throw that label here on ENA as it will offend several posters). I didn't say that excused his behaviour and I didn't "throw on a label". I didn't say his ADHD was the reason he did what he did. He has been diagnosed with it and it was important.

You had quite the laundry list of dealbreakers. You lent this guy $10K and continued to give him money? Yikes! I didn't lend him 10K. The amount of money added up over the years amounting to around 10K. This list shouldn't have to be that long or have escalated the way it did if you took control of the situation much sooner. Hopefully you learned from this experience to know what will be you're deal breakers for the next person you date. This guy clearly took advantage of you and you let him by not leaving the relationship sooner.

Let me get this straight -- he uses drugs, steals, lies, is physically and emotionally abusive but you only left him because he decided that you cheated? Please stay away from him and find a good therapist who deals with domestic abuse. You need to do a lot of work before you even consider being in another relationship.

Actually I left him because he didn't trust me and thats how he treated me because he thought I was up to something. The cheating stuff became bad once he saw that I wanted to leave.

You need to do a lot of work before you even consider being in another relationship.

Thats a judgmental call to make when you know nothing about me or how I'm handling the situation. Just because I have let people use me and step on me doesn't mean I can't be in a relationship.. I just have faith in the good in someone else.

This was your first boyfriend?!?! OMG. You will also need some counseling as 3 years with an abuser which is also the only 'romantic' (i use that word loosely) relationship you have known, is going to have taken it's toll. Distract yourself. Dont respond to him.

Just because he was violent once doesn't mean I need counselling. I'm already over it like I said that isn't what bothers me anymore. Just being called a cheater is the only thing thats getting to me

It's going to be tough from here on in because you can't blame your bf anymore for a lot of poor decisions you've made in your life so far but I wish you well. What should happen when you are young you make mistakes and upon reflection you'd think geez that was really stupid I won't make those mistakes again. What seems to have happened here is that you've piled all of the stupid things in your life and layed the blame onto your bf. Hopefully in time you might discover life is not really that simple.

I never blamed my boyfriend for my poor decisions? I'm not sure how you managed to come to that conclusion. I blame him for his actions but I don't blame him for myself letting it happen. I really don't know what you're talking about "piled all the stupid things in your life and blamed my bf". You couldn't be more wrong

You guys are all really judgemental and not supportive at all!

Get some therapy.

Why you stayed is beyond me! So many red flags!!!!!!! You should have been out of there for any one of the reasons in the first paragraph. You have major self esteem and boundary issues.

Just because he was violent once doesn't mean I need counselling. I'm already over it like I said that isn't what bothers me anymore. Just being called a cheater is the only thing thats getting to me

Good God! Really????? This is why you need counseling! You don't find a lying, cheating, abusive, unemployed, drug/gambling addict loser to be a problem? What the hell attracted you to this mess? Any one of these are deal breakers.

You're getting defensive because what we are saying is the truth. This was an abusive and highly dysfunctional relationship. If you don't seek help, you will end up with another creep like your ex.

This is very sad.

Good God! Really????? This is why you need counseling! You don't find a lying, cheating, abusive, unemployed, drug/gambling addict loser to be a problem? When did I say I didn't find this a problem? What the hell attracted you to this mess? I only wrote the bad stuff down you don't know about the rest of our relationship in fact you don't know anything so get off your high horse Any one of these are deal breakers.

You're getting defensive because what we are saying is the truth. This was an abusive and highly dysfunctional relationship. I KNOW THIS. I never said it wasn't!!!! If you don't seek help, you will end up with another creep like your ex. I don't need help in understanding what I already know.

This is very sad.

Get some therapy.

 

Why you stayed is beyond me! So many red flags!!!!!!! You should have been out of there for any one of the reasons in the first paragraph. You have major self esteem and boundary issues.

Yeah it is beyond you because you don't know me or my reasons for staying. Yeah I do have self esteem issues, like most girls my age. Yeah maybe mine are worse than some but the problem was that I forgive to easily. At least I'm caring and understanding not like you judgmental cows

A lot of your comments are really snobby and judgemental and I don't see the point in getting involved in a post just to write something that isn't helpful. I have left him on my own. I understand what happened and that it was my fault for allowing it to happen. I know what I did wrong and I don't blame anyone for my decisions. I didn't come on here to be convinced that I shouldn't be with him.. I already know that. I left him months ago and I have had no intention of going back. I just came to share my story not ask for advice. It's people like you that make girls like me in my situation not speak to people while they are in it. All you say is "dump him" "you can do better" "go get counselling" blah blah blah. Even though I should have left earlier, you should at least try and understand that maybe there are many reasons outside of your limited knowledge that led me not to? Get over yourselves and let people share stories without giving uneducated advice like "You need counselling" when I didn't ask for it. You don't tell someone they need counselling when you have no idea what mindset they are in, and when they have come out of a situation and aren't in denial about what happened.

Try being a bit empathetic. You can have an opinion but it doesn't mean you are right and it doesn't mean you need to post it, especially when its not helpful. Obviously the things that happened didn't shake me up that much, maybe I'm not as soft or sensitive as most of you in that way. And did any of you even consider that I have spoken to people about the situations while I was going through them and I've had the support I needed? So yeah when I say I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't tell me your analysis of a situation you know 7% of then tell me I'm wrong when I write back.

OP, if your mother, or sister was in a relationship like you describe in your original post, what exactly would you tell them? Honestly.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through and glad you are finally away from him. I hope you are safe from any further retaliations from him. He does sound scarey to me.

Yeah it is beyond you because you don't know me or my reasons for staying. Yeah I do have self esteem issues, like most girls my age. Yeah maybe mine are worse than some but the problem was that I forgive to easily. At least I'm caring and understanding not like you judgmental cows

It's too bad you didn't care about yourself.

This is one of the worst stories I have read on ENA, and not common with girls your age. I think it is very sad that you're unwilling to get to the root of this problem, because until you do, you will continue to make poor choices.

It's not about forgiving easily, it is about valuing yourself. This guy offered nothing! I can't imagine what attracted you to him to begin with. He's a total loser!

You came to a public forum. Remember that!

A lot of your comments are really snobby and judgemental and I don't see the point in getting involved in a post just to write something that isn't helpful. I have left him on my own. I understand what happened and that it was my fault for allowing it to happen. I know what I did wrong and I don't blame anyone for my decisions. I didn't come on here to be convinced that I shouldn't be with him.. I already know that. I left him months ago and I have had no intention of going back. I just came to share my story not ask for advice. It's people like you that make girls like me in my situation not speak to people while they are in it. All you say is "dump him" "you can do better" "go get counselling" blah blah blah. Even though I should have left earlier, you should at least try and understand that maybe there are many reasons outside of your limited knowledge that led me not to? Get over yourselves and let people share stories without giving uneducated advice like "You need counselling" when I didn't ask for it. You don't tell someone they need counselling when you have no idea what mindset they are in, and when they have come out of a situation and aren't in denial about what happened.

 

Try being a bit empathetic. You can have an opinion but it doesn't mean you are right and it doesn't mean you need to post it, especially when its not helpful. Obviously the things that happened didn't shake me up that much, maybe I'm not as soft or sensitive as most of you in that way. And did any of you even consider that I have spoken to people about the situations while I was going through them and I've had the support I needed? So yeah when I say I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't tell me your analysis of a situation you know 7% of then tell me I'm wrong when I write back.

AMEN!!!!!

Believe me I had a couple of the same people come at me at on my own thread.

I only wrote the bad stuff down you don't know about the rest of our relationship in fact you don't know anything so get off your high horse

People can only comment on the details you give. You told us only the bad stuff, people responded to only the bad stuff.