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Lack of experiences possibly affect Relationships?


SooSad33

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I've been thinking lately about whether someone might be 'lacking' in some ways because of their own lack in 'experience' in their Life....

 

Eg. I have been involved in the past, with 2 men that had never had children or pets. So, I was thinking that they possibly 'lack' in experiences therfore they may have failed relationships more often?

Because, they don't understand a lot, they've never had to endure the concept of patience, or worrying about someone else other than themselves. etc. if this makes sense?

 

Think they might be just a little more 'selfish' and lacking a few things and experiences.. that might actually help them 'understand' more.

Therefore, they give up easier etc. I am thinking this would cause their relationships to fail more often, due to experiences.

One time, my ex mentioned he didn't 'like the way she treated her kids'.. and I got thinking.. How would he know 'how' to treat any kids? he's never even had any of his own!?

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I've been thinking lately about whether someone might be 'lacking' in some ways because of their own lack in 'experience' in their Life....

 

Eg. I have been involved in the past, with 2 men that had never had children or pets. So, I was thinking that they possibly 'lack' in experiences therfore they may have failed relationships more often?

Because, they don't understand a lot, they've never had to endure the concept of patience, or worrying about someone else other than themselves. etc. if this makes sense?

 

Think they might be just a little more 'selfish' and lacking a few things and experiences.. that might actually help them 'understand' more.

Therefore, they give up easier etc. I am thinking this would cause their relationships to fail more often, due to experiences.

One time, my ex mentioned he didn't 'like the way she treated her kids'.. and I got thinking.. How would he know 'how' to treat any kids? he's never even had any of his own!?

I don't think people who have never had kids are completely clueless. They may not get completely get what it entails to have to children but I would say a lot of people have siblings and nieces and nephews. But like I said they may not get what it completely entails but nobody does until they have kids. I think most people want to children to be treated well .

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I've been thinking lately about whether someone might be 'lacking' in some ways because of their own lack in 'experience' in their Life....

 

Eg. I have been involved in the past, with 2 men that had never had children or pets. So, I was thinking that they possibly 'lack' in experiences therfore they may have failed relationships more often?

Because, they don't understand a lot, they've never had to endure the concept of patience, or worrying about someone else other than themselves. etc. if this makes sense?

 

Think they might be just a little more 'selfish' and lacking a few things and experiences.. that might actually help them 'understand' more.

Therefore, they give up easier etc. I am thinking this would cause their relationships to fail more often, due to experiences.

One time, my ex mentioned he didn't 'like the way she treated her kids'.. and I got thinking.. How would he know 'how' to treat any kids? he's never even had any of his own!?

 

I wouldn't refer to it as lacking but more on not understanding.

When it comes to kids there is a definite challenge in priorities and attitudes.

 

It's not common for someone who has never had children to fully understand the magnitude and the impact it has.

Walking away when children are not involved is easier. Doesn't mean they 'gave up'

 

Recognizing they are not up to being a step parent, married or otherwise is wise.

 

I guess it's all how you look at it.

I don't think it makes them deficient.

Just makes you incompatible.

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"Because, they don't understand a lot, they've never had to endure the concept of patience, or worrying about someone else other than themselves. etc. if this makes sense?

 

Think they might be just a little more 'selfish' and lacking a few things and experiences.. that might actually help them 'understand' "

 

What? I didn't have a child or marry until I was 42. I had plenty of responsibilities to others other than myself and had to have the skill of patience -my parents, my sibling, my friends, and at work -to my colleagues, boss, customers/clients (both a moral/ethical responsibility and practical). I did volunteer work where I was responsible for and to children and their parents.

 

I cannot stand the attitude that only people who have children understand responsibility/patience, etc.

 

My husband I had had never really lived with anyone or had children (we each had pets growing up though). We each had very intense/busy careers and pursued many years of higher education. I don't think our lack of those experiences negatively affected our ability to be together and start a family.

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One time, my ex mentioned he didn't 'like the way she treated her kids'.. and I got thinking.. How would he know 'how' to treat any kids? he's never even had any of his own!?

 

He might know how a child should be treated simply out of common sense and decency. I don't have children, but I'm pretty sure I know when one is being mistreated.

 

I think patience and consideration of others has very little to do with having children or pets. I've seen some seriously impatient and selfish parents and pet owners throughout my life.

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Not a completely crazy idea...

 

Male-care of offspring typically evolves to increase the male's value as a partner, or increases the likelihood of surviving offspring.

 

In most mammals, males typically reach reproductive maturity after females, and less energy is spent on making them reproductively competent.

 

One theory behind this is that male reproductive strategy relies on social behaviours or other learned skills, whereas females are time-limited for the duration that they're fertile.

 

Within this framework, it isn't crazy to say that men who have grown up with younger siblings, children of their own, or pets might have certain advantageous experiences... Of course, this framework still emphasizes that these skills are learned... And learning is an entirely separate skill with a much more complex set of factors...

 

So no, I don't think your idea is crazy... But I also don't think it's something to live by.... At best, I think it's something to examine more closely to better understand human psychology, and leave it at that.

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I've seen too many parents who are terrible with kids and too many non-parents who are great with them to have faith in that sort of dichotomy.

 

Personally, until my girlfriend recently adopted a cat, I'd never had a pet in my home since I'd moved out. To my knowledge, I also have never had a kid. However, I am the oldest of six siblings and the oldest cousin to 40-some cousins. I spent three years in a job that involved supervising drug addicted teenagers ages 13 - 18 in an in-house rehab facility. Now I'd never claim to know what it's like to be a parent, but I'm confident I could enter the role with some decent footing.

 

Others have their own experiences that, while aren't directly associated with certain experience, can assist in developing a reason-based perspective to gain some sort of understanding which then could potentially be transposed into another experience.

 

That said, it is natural to have an affinity for others who have similar experiences to your own, and there's nothing wrong with that. When I was in my mid-20s and dating (I say that like it wasn't just a couple years ago), I refused to date anyone who hadn't lived both physically and financially independent of their parents, and that extended to a 26-year old PhD graduate who was interested in me. She very well may have been capable of tackling independence better than I ever will be, but it was still a deal breaker.

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I don't think someone need to have had pets or children to be good at it, there's a first time for everyone. I also don't think that is related to how patient, considerate, selfless they are, I think that's built in to their personality. If you're a patient, understanding person, you always will be with whatever situation that comes your way. I do think have the experience (relationship, or children, or pets) help one better understand what it entails and probably deal with it more effectively rather than still having to figure it out, but I don't think at all that its the cause for having more failed relationships.

 

If you're talking about an older man (say 40+), never had pets or children, this may be by choice and may reflect their attitude of wanting to avoid responsibility, and that could potentially be caused by their personality trait (self centred, lack of sense of responsibility for example), that is the symptom of these traits, and I don't think any amount of experience can change that, at least not substantially.

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it's only been within 'thought'. As I'm trying to understand to some degree what was up with these guys, who were similar in their'ability' to 'give themselves' ( emotionally & communication).

neither of them had been a father or had pets. ( and both had only one sibling).. so just seeing if i was weighing the odds in this..?

 

I won't 'judge' anyone. But just curious.

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I think by a certain age, not taking on responsibilities (such as pets or children) is a lifestyle choice and they chose it for a particular reason that is consistent with their personality and character (ie they don't want responsibility). You will likely see the same mentality perpetuate in other aspects of their life.

 

How old are they?

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These are single men in their mid 40's to 50's.

 

I kinda feel they are being more 'selfish' than other men normally would, because they've never had to 'give' or share themselves to any extent through their lives.. only worry about themselves pretty much.

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These are single men in their mid 40's to 50's.

 

I kinda feel they are being more 'selfish' than other men normally would, because they've never had to 'give' or share themselves to any extent through their lives.. only worry about themselves pretty much.

 

There's countless factors.... You're basically asking people to explain your own dating life...

 

Attempting to analyze human activity based on one common trait is a serious mistake, and a large factor that contributes to how laughable social sciences can be.

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These are single men in their mid 40's to 50's.

 

I kinda feel they are being more 'selfish' than other men normally would, because they've never had to 'give' or share themselves to any extent through their lives.. only worry about themselves pretty much.

 

So these men never had responsible jobs, family or friends who they helped out, neighbors, never did volunteer work, gave to charity - basically had no close friendships or close family members? Is it really that narrow to you that giving and sharing of themselves is somehow limited to marriage/family/serious romantic relationships?

 

(And I agree that marriage/family won't change a selfish person into a giving one).

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My dad became a parent at 21, he is the most selfish self serving person I know. When I was 13 I called him at work to say my brother and I were starving ( he never kept food in the house ) . He said , " F you, I am going to MacDonalds for lunch" And then he hung up on me.

 

Becoming a parent doesn't make everyone caring and patient and wonderful.

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These are single men in their mid 40's to 50's.

 

I kinda feel they are being more 'selfish' than other men normally would, because they've never had to 'give' or share themselves to any extent through their lives.. only worry about themselves pretty much.

 

Selfish people are selfish. It doesn't have anything to do with how many relationships they've had....in fact, I'd be willing to bet that many deeply selfish people have had TONS of relationship. Because they can't or won't sacrifice anything...everything has to revolve around them, so the relationships end quickly and they get a new one.

 

That said, rather than attempting to analyze the patterns of these men, maybe it would be wise for you to take a look at your own patterns? Who cares what the reasons someone is selfish are? They're selfish and you need to figure out why that's what you end up with.

 

Trying to find answers in them instead of in yourself will rob you of the joy of self-discovery....and that self-discovery is what will help you find a better match.....not looking for ways to lay the blame on your exs.

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Trying to find answers in them instead of in yourself will rob you of the joy of self-discovery....and that self-discovery is what will help you find a better match.....not looking for ways to lay the blame on your exs.

 

This is just brilliant. Love it!

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Someone doesn't have to always experience something to understand it. It doesn't mean they lack experience. Alot of things can build up "experience" that relates to relationships and or responsibilities. Just having common sense (which really seems to be more uncommon) goes a long way. People in more relationships in my opinion tells more that they didn't take the time to figure out what they want in a relationship or got it and ran. Doesn't mean they ever actually learned anything from them either.

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Selfish people are selfish. It doesn't have anything to do with how many relationships they've had....in fact, I'd be willing to bet that many deeply selfish people have had TONS of relationship. Because they can't or won't sacrifice anything...everything has to revolve around them, so the relationships end quickly and they get a new one.

 

That said, rather than attempting to analyze the patterns of these men, maybe it would be wise for you to take a look at your own patterns? Who cares what the reasons someone is selfish are? They're selfish and you need to figure out why that's what you end up with.

 

Trying to find answers in them instead of in yourself will rob you of the joy of self-discovery....and that self-discovery is what will help you find a better match.....not looking for ways to lay the blame on your exs.

 

I was just 'curious'... wondering IF it may possibly be related.. doesnt hurt to ask.. ty

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These are single men in their mid 40's to 50's.

 

I kinda feel they are being more 'selfish' than other men normally would, because they've never had to 'give' or share themselves to any extent through their lives.. only worry about themselves pretty much.

 

In some cases, I'd say it's way more selfish to get married or have a child simply because you want what other people have, or feel entitled to it somehow. I respect people that were never careless enough to just get into situations without any thought about the consequences.

 

I see posts on here fairly frequently about parents cheating on their spouses, or jumping into multiple relationships, and dragging their kids behind them like rag dolls—to me, that's the epitome of selfishness.

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No, it does not hurt to ask at all. I was commenting on your assumptions about people who have not experienced parenting and/or marriage.

 

I wasn't saying 'all'. I was heading in the direction of these two characters, that I have encountered, who sadly seemed to 'lack' in a few ways re: relationship/effort/communication issue's etc.

To me, they were commonly single men, who seemed to lack a few things is all.... so I was just wondering.

 

I see now, how it can vary.

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You nailed it when you said they have never had to be responsible for someone other than themselves.

 

Playing with your niece and nephew or even baby sitting them is not remotely close to having 24/7 responsibility for another life.

 

I think it may be more telling that they have had multiple relationships and none ever stuck.

 

I am curious what the average length of time these men have been in a exclusive relationship?

 

These guys could be great but have lived a certain way for a pretty long time and are used to their lifestyle and the mindset that comes with it. They live a free unencumbered life with no deep tangible connection which gives them the ability to simply walk away at any given moment. We learn as we do and these men have never done the things that really make you grow.

 

Lost

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Geeze, age 40 nowadays is a mere child lol.

 

My Dad didn't marry (for first and only time), till he was 40.

 

I know quite a few people who didn't marry till they were not just 40, but 50.

 

There may be reasons why some men (and women) wish to remain single. The "family" isn't the be all and end all of everything!

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