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After 3 date ...nice mam but stingy .what to do


irka000

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Dear all...Please share your thoughts...Just returned from 3rd date with a guy I met on line. As you may know from my previous thread...we met for a coffee first....then 2nd date was in play centre when we played bowling and snooker...he paid for bowling.i paid for drinks and snooker. Now on the third date he met me outside station near my work and took me to bar next to station as there was snooker there...we didn't play as all tables were reserved. So we had a juice for which I paid as he wasn't very fast with it....we had a chat ....nice chat. Then I said let's go somewhere else cause too loud here. He said ...maybe for a walk....it was cold so he offered same coffee shop as on 1st date...he paid for coffees. We had a deep and fun chats...then they were closing ....I said before we left that I need to bite something cause am hungry. Didn't eat since 2pm. He just said ..".oh busy day.."

I really wanted him to get the hint....outside Coffee shop he said he going to make a short cut to his train....so i walked to my train alone....wow

He asked for hug and kisses on cheek...I had banana in my mouth when he kissed gently my lips ....was awkward with me stuffing with banana...lol

That is it. I am gutted and hungry. He didn't even ask if I got home safe.....

i think he is the type who wants to be friends first and that's how he treats me.....Am afraid by the time he may realise he likes me.....i will be long gone.....

Am i being silly here...? Help

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Yes and no. It sounds like the money exchange was equitable, but it sounds like you prefer to be courted by a man and have them pay and exhibit a little more chivalry.

It's ok. . some people here will say otherwise.

 

Follow your gut on this. It doesn't sound like a match.

I would have been more bothered by walking alone to my train and him not seeing I made it home ok . . over the money.

 

And as much as I don't mind paying some. . .I still am a little old school and think first impressions are important.

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Friends or fwb...but unclear if he is cheap, multi-dating or kind of an oaf socially. Have you lost interest for this and other reasons?

Just returned from 3rd date with a guy I met on line. We had a deep and fun chats...then they were closing ....I said before we left that I need to bite something cause am hungry. Didn't eat since 2pm. He just said ..".oh busy day.." I really wanted him to get the hint....outside Coffee shop he said he going to make a short cut to his train....so i walked to my train alone....wow

He asked for hug and kisses on cheek...I had banana in my mouth when he kissed gently my lips ....was awkward with me stuffing with banana...lol

That is it. I am gutted and hungry. He didn't even ask if I got home safe.....

i think he is the type who wants to be friends first and that's how he treats me.....Am afraid by the time he may realise he likes me.....i will be long gone.....

Am i being silly here...? Help

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I don't interpret his actions as stingy, I think he's just trying to take things slower than you'd like, and may be a bit socially unaware / not very good with taking hints or cues or even at taking initiative, hence not asking you to dinner when you said you're hungry. I would give it a couple more dates to determine. For the next date you could suggest a meal if he doesn't, and see how he behaves on the date.

 

Is he strapped for cash or not doing too well financially (that you know of)?

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You wanted him to 'get the hint'? Don't 'hint'.. be abrupt and speak your mind to 'men'.

 

I think YOU are being a bit too high with 'expectations'. If you two have done 3 dates, sounds like he is interested... then keep going from there.

Learn to lay back with the 'small stuff' and enjoy your time with the guy. If you're this disturbed over small stuff.. don't want to know what your like when the big stuff happens...

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Honestly, I barely understand you... The post was written like you're a cave-woman,

 

If you're worried about splitting bills, then ask your servers to split your bills and pay for your own shares.

 

The whole concept of one person paying is outdated and just introduces complications.

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If you're not feeling it why stay? I think rather than criticizing a guy for not whipping out his checkbook you should simply go look for someone you aren't already getting annoyed with when you've only been on three dates with them.

 

I don't read his actions as cheap and stingy BTW. I read it as not everyone has a lot of money and I totally get that there are guys who've gotten a bit tired of spending a lot of money on meals and the like for dates only to have it not go anywhere. I read him as going slowly and carefully to see if this is going to work out.

 

BUT if you feel that way then why keep seeing the guy? You could have just said, "Hey, let's get something to eat," and seen how that played out OR paid for your half of the meal or picked up the tab. It's hard to judge this until you pick up the tab several times and he never does or uses corny excuses like, "I forgot my wallet again" and lets you pay instead.

 

At that point you can kind of go, "This is not fair and equal," but right now I just see a working class guy who doesn't have a lot of expendable cash, but who to his vast credit is making a serious effort.

 

If you're not that into him, let him lose to find other women who will be more than fine with this.

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We had a deep and fun chats...then they were closing ....I said before we left that I need to bite something cause am hungry. Didn't eat since 2pm. He just said ..".oh busy day.."

 

Maybe he just had to get home. He could have a dog to feed, work to get ready for the next day, whatever. Don't assume that he didn't want to get dinner because he's cheap. That seems like a bit of a jump.

 

It seems that so far it's been pretty even as to who pays, and I think that's fair. Nothing about this really said "cheap" to me.

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If you're not feeling it why stay? I think rather than criticizing a guy for not whipping out his checkbook you should simply go look for someone you aren't already getting annoyed with when you've only been on three dates with them.

 

I don't read his actions as cheap and stingy BTW. I read it as not everyone has a lot of money and I totally get that there are guys who've gotten a bit tired of spending a lot of money on meals and the like for dates only to have it not go anywhere. I read him as going slowly and carefully to see if this is going to work out.

 

BUT if you feel that way then why keep seeing the guy? You could have just said, "Hey, let's get something to eat," and seen how that played out OR paid for your half of the meal or picked up the tab. It's hard to judge this until you pick up the tab several times and he never does or uses corny excuses like, "I forgot my wallet again" and lets you pay instead.

 

At that point you can kind of go, "This is not fair and equal," but right now I just see a working class guy who doesn't have a lot of expendable cash, but who to his vast credit is making a serious effort.

 

If you're not that into him, let him lose to find other women who will be more than fine with this.

 

Actually, I agree, it's very likely that he's been on many dates where he's spent the money and had it go nowhere, so decided to just keep it simple and low cost for the first number of dates and if it continues then he'll step it up. Sounds reasonable to me.

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I think that there is nothing wrong with cheap dates. One of our first dates included hanging out in the park by a lovely semi-waterfall and watching the ducks and having a great chat. Everything was just coming into bloom. And we walked and got hot chocolate (it was early spring but still a little chilly).

 

He did pay equitably and he was right to select an activity where you could talk and get to know eachother a little rather than in a dark movie theater. Instead of criticizing, I might suggest to him or initiate a different kind of date - a movie that you both want to see, a performance a friend is in going to hear music - something that you consider a bit more datey but still not extravagant. Maybe he just needs to be steered. Talk to him and find out other things he likes to do before you write him off.

 

He could be very frugal - or he just doesn't know what other activities to do on a date.

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Try not extend dates like this. Because now you don't know if he needed to get going or didn't want to have dinner or this or that.

...then they were closing ....I said before we left that I need to bite something cause am hungry.He just said ..".oh busy day.."
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The only real things I could gather from your post is that he's equitable and he's not a mind reader.

 

A whole lot has changed in the world of gender equality in just the past few years and "traditional" dating customs are dying out just as fast to keep up. If you're looking for a man who will treat you, I'm sure you could find one, but don't be surprised if they end up "traditional" in some of the not-so-fun ways as well. I'd go as far as to say generally speaking, men are looking for much more equitable-- if not completely so-- dating and there are plenty of good women out there willing to accommodate.

 

But ultimately it's up to you to gauge how important a chivalrous man is to you. As Paris said, if you're building resentment after meeting him just a couple times, I'd spare you both from wasting your time.

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OP, ignoring the title, I gather from your post that you were more concerned with the fact that he didn't suggest dinner when you said you were hungry (regardless of who pays, as the issue had not arise at that point), and the fact that he didn't offer to walk you to your station.

 

I wouldnt say this guy is stingy based on these, but he may not be good with reading situations and rather you spell things out directly (ie, I'm hungry, do you want to grab something to eat), and may not believe in chivalry as you may like your date to be (offer to walk you to the station). Nothing wrong with that, many women would happily accept these things. It seems like you don't like it, and you just seem incompatible.

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I don't think it's fair to call him "stingy" for more or less splitting the costs of your dates any more than it would be fair to call you "entitled" or "high-maintenance" for wanting a slightly more old-fashioned arrangement.

 

You seem to be interested in this guy enough that you haven't written him off; but there are a couple of traits there that you aren't sure are going to work for you. It's up to you to decide what you can or can't deal with. This guy isn't great at reading social cues, so dropping hints isn't going to work with him. You are simply going to have to be more direct in the future: "I'm hungry. Would you like to go somewhere and get a bite to eat?" or "I don't like walking alone at night. Would you mind walking me to my station?" If you can simply do that, this could work. If having to spell things out for him is going to upset you, however, then it's probably best to move on, because you'll find yourself building resentment and eventually jumping down his throat every time he fails to pick up on one of your hints and respond in a way that you were hoping for, and that's just not going to be conducive to a happy, healthy relationship.

 

As for paying for things: I usually still pay. I'm not comfortable having my girlfriend treat me. But that's me, and that's a lingering remnant of an earlier era. I can see where many men are tired of treating a woman with a similar income to a night out or two or three, only to hear some version of "It was nice getting to know you. Unfortunately, I don't think we are a match." Or just getting blown off. That's just a poor investment for the man.

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Dear all...Please share your thoughts...Just returned from 3rd date with a guy I met on line. As you may know from my previous thread...we met for a coffee first....then 2nd date was in play centre when we played bowling and snooker...he paid for bowling.i paid for drinks and snooker. Now on the third date he met me outside station near my work and took me to bar next to station as there was snooker there...we didn't play as all tables were reserved. So we had a juice for which I paid as he wasn't very fast with it....we had a chat ....nice chat. Then I said let's go somewhere else cause too loud here.

 

Op, you do have a say in where you go on these dates. Why didn't you speak up and recommend a dinner date (which is okay for a 2nd/3rd date)? You said you were hungry going on the 3rd date. Why didn't you change plans and go for a meal? If he objected, or didn't feel happy in changing plans, then you have some insight on his character. You can't label him on anything based on these three dates.

 

Also, it goes back to why you are dating him. Are you dating in order to get to know him better, to decide on being with him in a potential relationship (or casual)? Or do you/him just like having someone to go to events with (which is what a play centre appears to be). These dates come across as "event" dates (snicker, drinks, bowling,...). You can't call someone "stingy", based on these types of dates that you agreed to.

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Honestly, I barely understand you... The post was written like you're a cave-woman,

 

If you're worried about splitting bills, then ask your servers to split your bills and pay for your own shares.

 

The whole concept of one person paying is outdated and just introduces complications.

 

lol...it's late at night...hadn't meant to 'thank' for this...but to reply with quote.

 

Not nice to say she sounded like a 'cave-woman'.....please. I could tell easily that English is not her native language. She is probably of a different culture where men are expected to step up to the plate to 'date/court' a woman.

 

My bf's ALWAYS paid for my meals out...but I would have them over for a home cooked meal probably way more than they took me out. Last bf took me out less than 10 times in 2 years!!! lol

 

But anyway, I'm old, and I guess I don't live in the 21st century. When I was doing OLD...I said, If I liked a guy, I would let him pay. If I didn't like a guy...I would pay for my own. That way I wouldn't feel obligated, or bad that he paid for my meal...and I wasn't going to see him again. OP also wasn't thrilled he left her to walk to her train alone....and never contacted her to make sure she go home ok.

 

Remember, culture plays a role in dating.

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lol...it's late at night...hadn't meant to 'thank' for this...but to reply with quote.

 

Not nice to say she sounded like a 'cave-woman'.....please. I could tell easily that English is not her native language. She is probably of a different culture where men are expected to step up to the plate to 'date/court' a woman.

 

My bf's ALWAYS paid for my meals out...but I would have them over for a home cooked meal probably way more than they took me out. Last bf took me out less than 10 times in 2 years!!! lol

 

But anyway, I'm old, and I guess I don't live in the 21st century. When I was doing OLD...I said, If I liked a guy, I would let him pay. If I didn't like a guy...I would pay for my own. That way I wouldn't feel obligated, or bad that he paid for my meal...and I wasn't going to see him again. OP also wasn't thrilled he left her to walk to her train alone....and never contacted her to make sure she go home ok.

 

Remember, culture plays a role in dating.

 

Too late, no take-backs! HAHA!

 

I read her post three times and wasn't sure what her actual grievance was... Being accepting of bad English doesn't help people who are trying to learn the language... It's usually more constructive to stop them when they aren't making much sense so they can correct themselves (or learn how to). Fact is she's on a predominantly English forum asking for help...

 

With that said, it's not even a cultural thing, it varies between individual couples. Most people have some perceived sense of balance one way or the other...

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Too late, no take-backs! HAHA!

 

I read her post three times and wasn't sure what her actual grievance was... Being accepting of bad English doesn't help people who are trying to learn the language... It's usually more constructive to stop them when they aren't making much sense so they can correct themselves (or learn how to). Fact is she's on a predominantly English forum asking for help...

 

With that said, it's not even a cultural thing, it varies between individual couples. Most people have some perceived sense of balance one way or the other...

 

Calling someone names for not being good at English is constructive? I guess I was lucky that people were actually helpful when I was learning English all those years ago, by correcting the exact mistakes I was making, rather calling me name and leaving me wondering what I did wrong.

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Thank you All for your responses / feedback / comments. I was typing my post from my mobile, hence all the errors...and yes, English is not my native language.

How very pleasant Pixels.

Pixels, thank you for your harsh words....you can be proud of yourself !You did it!

 

Aaaanyway....I do recall that this man has on his profile " I want to meet someone who wants to know me for who I am,not for what I can offer" ...maybe he dated women who expected more than he could offer....

I can understand that.

What bothers me with him...he is not very thoughtful ...he knew I am coming straight from work. Wish he had asked me what I want to do /where I would like to go/ if I am hungry etc

It bothers me that he did not escort me to the train station. It was 21.00 ...bit dark...Then, he didn't even bother to find out if I got home ok.

These are basic things...good manners. I do have standards. Please don't make me feel like I have sky high expectations or that I am old fashioned.

After I said I am hungry, I did not expect him to say "lets go eat something" as it was already late and we both are working in the morning. I just wanted to give him a hint. Probably didn't get it or if he did ....he may thought "here we go again " lol So be it.......

Perhaps the connection / spark are not there as these things would unfold organically.Nice conversation does not equal great chemistry. He has some of these qualities I really cherish in a man...but somehow him being not very thoughtful and bit tight...really bugs me. Grrrr I think he is doing quite well financially.

He is an electrician.

I don't think he will get in touch again. That's ok. Thank you all again.

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What kind of hint were you hoping to give by saying that you were hungry if you weren't hoping for him to suggest dinner? If it was 9pm, I can see why he didn't offer to go to dinner as it's pretty late.

 

If you wanted to go to dinner rather than a coffee or drink, you should've said so. I think it's playing games to let a guy guess if you're hungry and view him negatively if he fails to do so. Just because you came from work doesn't mean you'd be hungry. If I'm going out to drinks after work, I'd eat something before I leave so that I'm not starving, because I know I won't be eating soon. Point is you can't expect him to know this without you having said so.

 

Even if I was hungry, I would've said first thing when we met, hey you know what I'm actually starving, wanna grab some food instead of drinks? Problem solved. None of this secretly wishing he knew then feeling pissed off that he didn't "just know". You said he didn't ask you, it strikes me as odd that you didn't speak up at the time of what you wanted to do. Do you need to be asked to express your opinion or state your needs or wants?

 

Him not offering to walk you to the station shows lack of chivalrous values, a simple incompatibility issue.

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I agree with you notalady. I could say so but I did not have a chance, really.

I had no idea what are we going to do when we will meet. He asked me out and actually said he will take me somewhere I will like. This happen to be a snooker.

Since we could not play anyway, we got the juice...and the rest you know...So yes, when we left the place (before we got to the coffee shop) I could say I am hungry but I didn't ....I guess I could be more direct. Lesson learned.

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