Need Advice

My partner and I have been together 3 years. During this time he has flirted both via messages and in person with others. He tells me Im over reacting and its just him being silly. Weve worked very hard to get past this, although I am very insecure all the time now. I have told him that getting engaged and eventually is something important to me yet every time I bring up the subject he says things like need to clear debt first yet he spends vast amounts on money on other things. Am I just wastinh my time?

My partner and I have been together 3 years. During this time he has flirted both via messages and in person with others. He tells me Im over reacting and its just him being silly. Weve worked very hard to get past this, although I am very insecure all the time now. I have told him that getting engaged and eventually is something important to me yet every time I bring up the subject he says things like need to clear debt first yet he spends vast amounts on money on other things. Am I just wastinh my time?

Miss J, welcome to ENA!. Let me ask you a question. Do you think by him being engaged to you, he will become a more honest and a more committed person to you? because I doubt that he will. Unless you can completely trust him I suggest you put the engagement on hold. Clearing debt is a logical thing to say if he is saving money on the side but if he spending money on other things then this is bs. You may be trying to shape him into a man that you want him to be and that will never work.

Short answer: yes you are wasting your time.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all! You need to find someone who respects and cherishes you enough to make you a priority!

I would leave if I were you. Doesn't sound like he is committed to you at all!

Lisa

You are wasting your time. Being engaged won't make anything better, why do you think it would? He's not interested in a real, proper relationship with you. You can do better.

Thank you. I knew deep down. Just guessing I needed to hear it from strangers.

Thank you. I knew deep down. Just guessing I needed to hear it from strangers.

Hearing what need to be done is one thing. Taking action on it is another. So, what are you going to do?

I state that because, with you being somewhat insecure, and him being a "controller" (lying in order to avoid going forward with the engagement), there is concern with whether you can go through with breaking up (if that is now your goal).

It sounds as though you view this much more seriously than he does. He obviously does not want to get engaged or buy you a ring. So his answer is in two of his actions: Acting like he's not seeing anyone and messaging women,etc. and not addressing the commitment you want directly and instead sidestepping it.

He is being quite clear that what you want (rings, commitment,etc) and what he wants (flirting, spending on himself, freedom) are very different.

When you say "been together three years" do you mean exclusive relationship? living together? or dating?

My partner and I have been together 3 years. During this time he has flirted both via messages and in person with others. He tells me Im over reacting and its just him being silly. Weve worked very hard to get past this, although I am very insecure all the time now. I have told him that getting engaged and eventually is something important to me yet every time I bring up the subject he says things like need to clear debt first yet he spends vast amounts on money on other things. Am I just wastinh my time?

We've been living together for 3 years. Im 42 and he's 49.

He may be fine with the status quo. Why don't you just discuss getting married and why this matters to you. Talking about fancy rings makes it easier to brush it off as frivilous and a silly discussion. Get to the heart of the matter.

We've been living together for 3 years. Im 42 and he's 49.

Ive tried that. All I get is of course I want to marry you. I love you. It will happen someday

I've come to realize if I was the one he wouldnt have flirted with others so much and he would want that commitment. Its so hard realizing the man you love has spent the entire time looking for someone else

Since you live together for years now it may be time to seek legal advice regarding a cohabitation agreement and present it to him. Why is he putting it off?

Ive tried that. All I get is of course I want to marry you. I love you. It will happen someday

I have alot to look into. My only reasoning as to why is Im not the one and he's waiting for someone else to ome along

Do you think he has become complacent and is just coasting along? He says he love you and wants to marry "someday". As long as you go along with this you are inadvertently condoning this coasting along on his terms. Who would have to move out? Is it your his or both of your house/place?

These "other things" he spends money on ...are they partly financed by your overall contributions? And all this debt...is it his yours or combined? Obviously you do not need vast amounts of money to marry rather than cohabit. But buying rings is arguable.

Only you can shake things up if you a change. And that does not mean talking engagement and rings and love and "the one". It means consulting an attorney and getting everything on paper.

every time I bring up the subject he says things like need to clear debt first yet he spends vast amounts on money on other things

 

I have alot to look into. My only reasoning as to why is Im not the one and he's waiting for someone else to ome along

Its our place but he stays in a different town in another house most nights as its closer to his work

Thing is Im not wanting to rush to get married just a sign like an engagement that there is a commitment and we were eventually moving towards that

There is no such thing as "sign like an engagement". If neither of you want to marry then no wonder he is coasting. He does not want to get engaged. It sounds more like he crashes at your place once in a while, not cohabiting.

It sounds like there is not much commitment and that there is just a convenient arrangement that you go along with for some reason. Is he married or keeping a gf in the other house?

Its our place but he stays in a different town in another house most nights as its closer to his work.

 

Thing is Im not wanting to rush to get married just a sign like an engagement that there is a commitment and we were eventually moving towards that

Not that Im aware of. I dont travel into the other house often. I do want to get married he knows that but its not like Im wanting it tomorrow. At least though 12 months after the engagement. These things he's well aware of

He's not serious or committed to you as you are to him.

Claiming you were overreacting when you caught him flirting with other women is the oldest deflection tactic in the book, I would've been gone after that. He has no respect for you or your relationship. He also seriously lack loyalty, it's got nothing to do with whether you are "the one". A cheaters gonna cheat regardless of how good their partner is.

I'd say move on.

He's not serious or committed to you as you are to him.

 

Claiming you were overreacting when you caught him flirting with other women is the oldest deflection tactic in the book, I would've been gone after that. He has no respect for you or your relationship. He also seriously lack loyalty, it's got nothing to do with whether you are "the one". A cheaters gonna cheat regardless of how good their partner is.

 

I'd say move on.

I agree. I've tried telling her that earlier, but she didn't respond back, probably because it isn't what she wanted to hear.

Sometimes, people can be so fixated on wanting to get married, that "they can't see the forest through the trees".

It sounds like you are on different pages and living separate lives. You can hint all you want about rings and marriage but obviously he is not listening. You need to shake things up you are in a lull and so is he. He is not looking to move this forward if he has his own place most of the time and just crashes at your place on weekends after three years. Spend more time at his house and do something different, not just keep restating what you want and expect. he is not responding or listening or acting he is on autopilot.

Are you sure he does not have a concomitant relationship at his other house/town and that's why he's messaging and not interested in moving forward?

Not that Im aware of. I dont travel into the other house often. I do want to get married he knows that but its not like Im wanting it tomorrow. At least though 12 months after the engagement. These things he's well aware of