I would be grateful to anyone who could answer these compatibility questions.

Hi there. I have a few questions on which I would like input from as many people as possible so I can get a general, overall opinion on each one. Here goes:

1. Could someone with a spiritual mentality successfully date a dead-pan atheist with a cynical mentality?

2. Could someone who prefers a more relaxed/less intense environment successfully date someone who struggles with letting little things go and makes arguments out of small issues?

3. Could someone who prefers a lot of alone time successfully date someone who prefers to spend as much time together as possible?

4. Could a relationship be successful long-term if one party has no physical attraction to the other?

5. Could a vegetarian/vegan successfully date a meat-consumer without eventually feeling disdain or resentment?

6. Could two people with very different levels of sexual drive find a balance to satisfy them both?

As if it wasn't obvious enough, yes, this is indicative of my feelings about my relationship. I am engaged to be married to this man, and I think the more serious issues only began coming to my attention once our future was set and I had little to no choice but to start considering it. I feel like a terrible person for only realising these things this far into the game (it is only 2.5 years, but engagement is obviously a serious commitment); I suppose I was just blinded by the infatuation I had for him for the first year or so. I know that's no excuse. But anyway, anyone who could give their opinions on the above would be much appreciate. It seems black and white when I read it back to myself, but the decision to break off an engagement would be a huge thing. I guess I would feel better knowing whether or not anyone else out there is happily married to someone who they have differences in opinion on with their spouse over major issues.

Thanks in advance, everyone!

IMO.. 1, 3 and 4 could become an issue. Possibly 6.

I'm wondering IF there's going to end up being too many reasons for Imcompatibility here?

1. Could someone with a spiritual mentality successfully date a dead-pan atheist with a cynical mentality?

Yes, as long as there's respect. But it is a potential problem.

2. Could someone who prefers a more relaxed/less intense environment successfully date someone who struggles with letting little things go and makes arguments out of small issues?

Yes, as long as there's respect and patience. But it is a potential problem.

3. Could someone who prefers a lot of alone time successfully date someone who prefers to spend as much time together as possible?

Probably not. This is a real problem. If someone's not getting enough attention there's a real risk of them looking for it elsewhere.....or at least indulging in it if it arrives from elsewhere.

4. Could a relationship be successful long-term if one party has no physical attraction to the other?

Probably not. But I definitely think that "attraction" is more complicated than simply physical. My experience is that my physical attraction to a woman grows when I become more emotionally and intellectually attached to her.....it also fades pretty drastically after she betrays me.

5. Could a vegetarian/vegan successfully date a meat-consumer without eventually feeling disdain or resentment?

Yes.

6. Could two people with very different levels of sexual drive find a balance to satisfy them both?

Possibly, but it's a risk. The partner who's not getting enough has to be able to restrain the desire to look for more outside the relationship.

There are many deal breakers here for me, anyway. I have to find something cute about my partner. I wouldn't want someone who thought I was mediocre to be with me, and I have to love to look at my man. Sexual incompatibility is a life full of frustration. Why put yourself through this? The worst is making mountains out of molehills as far as arguments go. And someone who likes alone time will get grouchy when their partner is pressing for more time together. The point of dating is to cut off people who don't match you in all of the major ways, and to stay with those who do. Loving them is irrelevant when you don't match. You can love someone who is compatible with you, so make that happen by freeing yourself to search for him.

I'm thinking most of these would mean it's not going to work out. I think for a relationship to work, people do need to have some common interests, but what's more important is having common values. Being a vegetarian/vegan is a value. Being spiritual is a value. These things can work if there is total respect and lack of judgement. E.g. I have vegetarian and vegan friends but they don't judge and criticise me for eating meat (one used to). I'm very spiritual and my friends and partners that aren't spiritual would just say they don't believe in that, but it's fine that I do and they respect that.

Now, two things I see here for me sound totally incompatible. One I know from experience. I still love one of my ex's but my sex drive is through the roof and they're a self confessed almost asexual, so that just really wasn't working at all and was one of the big reasons why we broke up. The other one is the alone time/together time. This is very incompatible in my opinion because both people will always be unhappy because the other person has their own expectations they want to be met.

This can possibly work, but will need A LOT of hard work. Will need a huge amount of compromise and changing yourself and your values to be able to get along with that person. For example, one person may go without sex more often than they want to, may stop talking about their spiritual beliefs, stop eating meat, etc. How much are you both prepared to change and be accomodating and how happy would you be with someone so different in the long run?

1. Depends on whether the spiritual one spends a lot of time attending church, mosque, temple, etc, so related to #3

2. It doesn't help but we've survived over 20 years of it

3. Not a hope.

4. Only if you're 50 or over

5. It could cause problems.

6. Most people have mismatched sex drives and they both go up and down over a lifetime. They start tending towards zero when you hit 50

TJ:

It is very important that you are already asking these questions. Having similar values is very important in having a successful relationship. Think about this: When you have children you will like to give them a legacy...what will this include or exclude? Will he want his children raised as atheists? Will you be o.k with this? Have you talked about this? When meals are cooked for the family, will you not cook meat? Are you ok being a vegetarian and cooking meat? Opposites may attract but that doesn't mean the union won't cause an explosion. If you like to spend more time together and him more time apart....how are you going to get your needs met? Things don't get easier because you get married. Just wait until the daily doldrums set in and stresses intrude....and they always do. You owe it to yourselves to examine ALL your questions before taking a leap into marriage. I know of a couple that never discussed things prior to getting married...huge things really. 10 years into the marriage she wanted children and he didn't....they never discussed it.

1. Could someone with a spiritual mentality successfully date a dead-pan atheist with a cynical mentality?

Not likely in the long run. Reason being that eventually it will turn into a deep emotional/intellectual disconnect between two people.

2. Could someone who prefers a more relaxed/less intense environment successfully date someone who struggles with letting little things go and makes arguments out of small issues?

How good is the other person's tolerance? It would make for an extremely difficult life for sure. I've dated a guy who would not let go and after some years dumped him over it. There comes a point where it's just too punishing to deal with and not worth it.

3. Could someone who prefers a lot of alone time successfully date someone who prefers to spend as much time together as possible?

Not possible full stop. Again it's a recipe for never ending discontent where one person feels suffocated and the other person constantly lacking.

4. Could a relationship be successful long-term if one party has no physical attraction to the other?

For me personally, nope, never. Physical attraction is critical. When I say physical attraction I mean they need to be attractive to ME. Not as in they are attractive to the world or beauty fades. Without physical/sexual attraction you just have a friend and not a relationship. Again it's a huge factor in longevity and living with a huge part of the relationship missing for life. Signing up for misery.

5. Could a vegetarian/vegan successfully date a meat-consumer without eventually feeling disdain or resentment?

That would depend entirely on the two people involved and their personal attitudes and whether either one wants to change the other. Even with the best, it would be something that has to be maneuvered every day and can become a difficult gap to bridge. People bond over food and you have that part missing in your relationship.

6. Could two people with very different levels of sexual drive find a balance to satisfy them both?

If it's very different, then doubtful. Frankly, the lack of physical attraction could be the cause of lack of sex drive rather than actually not having sex drive as such. If you are not attracted to them, then you don't want to sleep with them. With time, that repulsion can in fact grow, so will it cause serious problems? Yes.

Overall, any one of the above factors by themselves is a deal breaker and would make for a lot of difficulties even in the best of relationships. Combining that many challenges into one relationship and I think you would be signing up for a lifetime of indescribable misery or more likely a bitter divorce in a matter of a few years. I'd pass and look for better compatibility.

I see almost ALL of them as deal breakers to some extent. Like Tinydance says....they're VALUES. I'm not a churchy person, but I would never date someone who is atheist. I have great friends who are, but it wouldn't work for me. (Sort of goes with the political leanings also....way to the right or the left....enough problems in life without adding more!) and who wants to be with a cynic?

Relaxed or making everything an argument. Compatibility issues/communication issues. Problem.

Alone time? Space. The only issue my bf and I had out of all of these.....and he still left me. I wanted 'time'....he couldn't stand being around me for longer than 2 days! lol gee

Do you not have physical attraction for him? With my last ex, I didn't get in a physical relationship with him because he was very unattractive to me. BUT...I became very much best friends (and flirty) with him, because he was infatuated with me, and I LOVED his personality and wit. 10 months later...kissed...then sex. Passion was off the charts.

He has now dumped me....but it wasn't because of the sex. He said I've ruined him in that department. I guess this also goes with the last one. Sooo...I still never found him handsome (he got better looking in time...lost weight....found him cute at times....lol) but the sex and passion....sexual attraction. YIKES! Whereas my ex husband was VERY nice looking...but I NEVER had a good sexual experience with him. And I still married him. NO sex the last 15 years of a 20 year relationship. Basically, cuz I didn't like him.

My friends who are atheist, are also vegetarian. Great people...just glad I like meat and God! I would find it hard to cook and share meals when you're raising a family. It's like you'd have to cook 2 separate meals. I take it he's the meat eater. Do you feel distain for him now? If you feel distain that he eats meat now....you're not going to suddenly accept it!

So. All deal breakers. Doesn't sound as if you truly love him...or even have that much respect for him...and his ideas! Go back and re-read. Cynical mentality. Makes arguments out of small issues. Distain and resentment. Add into no physical attraction and different sex drives....how the heck did you survive together this long?

As years roll on.....the things that only sort of annoy you at the beginning....really irritate you as time goes on!

And man with Dog...PLEASE DON'T TELL ME SEX DRIVE GOES TO 0 AFTER 50!!! I'm 61 and looking for a guy. Last one passionate and erection at the drop of a hat. Made me

Most importantly:

WHY would you consider marrying a person with who you share no attraction, or share the same values?

It seems black and white when I read it back to myself, but the decision to break off an engagement would be a huge thing.

Guess what else is a huge thing? Divorce. Especially the kind with kids, property, etc.

If I could guess, then you're the peace-loving vegetarian in this scenario? And your bf is the argumentative, meat-eating guy who wants to spend all his time together?

I cannot imagine why you would want to marry someone when there is zero physical attraction on one person's part. That and the arguing about small issues (or at least what you've deemed as small) sounds like a nightmare.

Aah TeeJay. Your OP contains the answers in your questions. And you know that. You say>

"It seems black and white when I read it back to myself,...."

Of course it does. Life is too short for diving into an existence of misery. Don't do it!

I just saw the no attraction bit, somehow I'd missed it before....NO NO NO NO NO NO! Lol I think even if your list only contained that one thing - nope, it's not going to work. Even if the person actually matched you in all the other ways you listed, how exactly do you envision spending the rest of your life with someone you don't find attractive? As you mentioned, there is sex, but even just kissing and holding hands. I can't imagine wanting to kiss and hold hands with someone I don't find attractive, and especially have sex, which is just so intimate and you have to be turned on by the other person. I don't see how you are still asking these questions. I think you know the answer, but you're in denial and you needed strangers to help you make a decision.