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Thread: NC? Thought Process From Dumper

  1. #1
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    NC? Thought Process From Dumper

    Hello all,

    Im not going to go into much details personally, because I am not looking for advice on how my ex feels right now because Ive come to realise, I dont know, you dont know, my friend & family dont know, not even him.

    So after a 6 year relationship it come to a end 2 months ago today, its been a weird 8 weeks because it hasnt really been accepted on both parts throughout this time, theres been alot of contact throughout. Now, I need to stress (I know this may not be enough or enough to bring him back) but he loves me very much, I dont doubt that.

    But I know NC can work. I just want to know from the dumpers perspective how they feel when they end with a ex and are still in love with them and still not 100% sure with there feelings, what does their mind go through when they no longer hear from their ex that days ago or even weeks ago was begging for them back?

    I know everyone is different, but the feelings love leaves behind is the same.

  2. #2
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    In my experience, mind and feelings can do crazy things. It can drive you all over the place and be very challenging. Because mind will always tell you something or other, and the emotions and feelings follow the mind.

    The solution is to see the bottom line and the reality as clearly as you can. Right now, even though you broke it off with him, you still don't seem to be stable in your decision. Are you?

    If you know intuitively and in your heart that it is for the best, that the two of you should not be together, then be absolutely grounded with that reality. Anything else your mind or emotions tell you then becomes irrelevant, because they always tell you something, and you'll feel one way in the morning, another way in the evening and so on. If you go with these fluctuations, you'll never be solid on any decision. Decide from the Inside, your heart and guts and knowing ultimately what's for the best. And once you do, if it is the right thing, then yes, absolutely, cut the contact, b/c otherwise you guys seem to be unable to separate properly and start new paths, and it can only hurt both of you down the road and prolong the inevitable.

    It is totally possible to have feelings for someone and yet be unfit together. A number of times in my life, instead of paying attention to the bottom line of us not being a good fit and the whole thing being dysfunctional, I swayed around because of going with these feelings. It's about seeing the reality and what's best, and then sticking to it. Over time, the feelings will settle down and align with that. But they won't settle down if they continue to be stimulated through constant contact. It's like your brain needs to rewire in order to weaken those neural connections and create new ones.

    If you haven't given either of you closure, it may be a good idea to send him a brief and polite message that you are not trying to be mean but that it's best of you to stop interacting; and then do NC.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Waraqqa
    In my experience, mind and feelings can do crazy things. It can drive you all over the place and be very challenging. Because mind will always tell you something or other, and the emotions and feelings follow the mind.

    The solution is to see the bottom line and the reality as clearly as you can. Right now, even though you broke it off with him, you still don't seem to be stable in your decision. Are you?

    If you know intuitively and in your heart that it is for the best, that the two of you should not be together, then be absolutely grounded with that reality. Anything else your mind or emotions tell you then becomes irrelevant, because they always tell you something, and you'll feel one way in the morning, another way in the evening and so on. If you go with these fluctuations, you'll never be solid on any decision. Decide from the Inside, your heart and guts and knowing ultimately what's for the best. And once you do, if it is the right thing, then yes, absolutely, cut the contact, b/c otherwise you guys seem to be unable to separate properly and start new paths, and it can only hurt both of you down the road and prolong the inevitable.

    It is totally possible to have feelings for someone and yet be unfit together. A number of times in my life, instead of paying attention to the bottom line of us not being a good fit and the whole thing being dysfunctional, I swayed around because of going with these feelings. It's about seeing the reality and what's best, and then sticking to it. Over time, the feelings will settle down and align with that. But they won't settle down if they continue to be stimulated through constant contact. It's like your brain needs to rewire in order to weaken those neural connections and create new ones.

    If you haven't given either of you closure, it may be a good idea to send him a brief and polite message that you are not trying to be mean but that it's best of you to stop interacting; and then do NC.
    Sorry, i think you may of read it wrong. He broke up with me, this advice is probably more suited for him, but what i wanted to hear was experiences of the dumper when the dumpee was going through NC

  4. #4
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    There is a thread from a long time ago that I read yesterday. I was looking for the exact same testimonial as you when I found it.

    It is called NC & getting back together - from a "dumper" (won't let me post the URL)

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by mrsin627
    There is a thread from a long time ago that I read yesterday. I was looking for the exact same testimonial as you when I found it.

    It is called NC & getting back together - from a "dumper" (won't let me post the URL)
    Thank you, I read it already today, literally basing all my energy and feelings around it lol. I wondered if there was any other situations..

  7. #6
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    I dumped my ex once and told her she's not the one for me and to move on etc. We stayed in contact for a month or two and then one day she cut me off and said she was seeing someone else. Made me do a total 180 over the next month. I was basically begging her to come back. Eventually I got got her back after about a month of trying.

    Once they realize they are going to lose you forever and be completely out of your life it makes them think. It did in my case.

  8. #7
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    There was another post on here somewhere (I would have to search for it) that was basically a breakup/reconciliation guide and the guy linked off to some of his other posts that talked about "Here's what to do if you want to keep contact/remain friends" and "here's what to do if you want to go no contact" among other things.

    That was another really good read and there was a good point he made in there which was "staying friends makes it easier on the dumper to move on and causes pain to the dumpee, NC makes it easier for the dumpee to move on and causes pain for the dumper."

    My best friend dated his girlfriend for a long time (I believe it was October 2009 until late 2013/early 2014) and he ended things because she wanted kids and marriage immediately and he wasn't sure if he ever wanted either in his life... the nail in the coffin was when she told him that she didn't like any of his friends... different expectations in life are VERY good reasons to permanently end a relationship and never look back. March/April 2014 they were back together, December 2014 they were engaged, August 2015 they were married... and that time apart was absolute torture for my friend (the dumper), he did all kinds of things to distract himself. Online date/talking to other girls made him feel guilty and sick to his stomach... and he's usually a very emotionally detached person. This wasn't typical behavior for him.

    That's just a happy story for you to keep your head up though... this doesn't happen for everybody... the best thing you can do is pick yourself up and not set any expectations. Once you have no expectations and know you can handle potential rejection... that's when you're mentally prepared to reach out with a casual demeanor (if you even still want to).

  9. #8
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    Why did he break up with you and has the reason for breaking up been changed/resolved or has nothing changed and you're just hoping that a strategy to help you get over someone will actually help you to get them back?

    So: Why did he break up with you... what was his reasoning?

  10. #9
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    As I said I don't necessarily want advice on our relationship I was just interested in knowing from a dumper how they feel when they still love their ex and are confused and then stop hearing from their partner... I can tell you... The reason we broke up wasn't because he fell out of love .. Lost feelings for me .. or because of trust or loyalty issues.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Its important to know why you broke up because if its for reasons that he needed you (or himself) to change, then no contact is useless in trying to get someone to come back to you because if the issues haven't been rectified, then the same thing will just happen down the line and you will be devastated all over again when the same thing happens... which the odds are in favour that it will.

    Wanting to know what other dumpers felt when the person they broke up with has gone no contact is just you looking to get validating responses that will fuel your hope. I understand your motivation but I would be amiss in giving you enabling dialogue instead of encouraging you to use NC to get over him rather then to try and manipulate him back.... particularly if the break up was for good reasons.

    Simply loving someone is not enough if there are problems in the relationship that make it impossible to continue sharing your love with one another. Love is never enough.

    Good luck. I hope while you are no contact with one another you're both working to remedy whatever it was that cause him to end a long term relationship with you.

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