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NC? Thought Process From Dumper


el3112

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Hello all,

 

Im not going to go into much details personally, because I am not looking for advice on how my ex feels right now because Ive come to realise, I dont know, you dont know, my friend & family dont know, not even him.

 

So after a 6 year relationship it come to a end 2 months ago today, its been a weird 8 weeks because it hasnt really been accepted on both parts throughout this time, theres been alot of contact throughout. Now, I need to stress (I know this may not be enough or enough to bring him back) but he loves me very much, I dont doubt that.

 

But I know NC can work. I just want to know from the dumpers perspective how they feel when they end with a ex and are still in love with them and still not 100% sure with there feelings, what does their mind go through when they no longer hear from their ex that days ago or even weeks ago was begging for them back?

 

I know everyone is different, but the feelings love leaves behind is the same.

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In my experience, mind and feelings can do crazy things. It can drive you all over the place and be very challenging. Because mind will always tell you something or other, and the emotions and feelings follow the mind.

 

The solution is to see the bottom line and the reality as clearly as you can. Right now, even though you broke it off with him, you still don't seem to be stable in your decision. Are you?

 

If you know intuitively and in your heart that it is for the best, that the two of you should not be together, then be absolutely grounded with that reality. Anything else your mind or emotions tell you then becomes irrelevant, because they always tell you something, and you'll feel one way in the morning, another way in the evening and so on. If you go with these fluctuations, you'll never be solid on any decision. Decide from the Inside, your heart and guts and knowing ultimately what's for the best. And once you do, if it is the right thing, then yes, absolutely, cut the contact, b/c otherwise you guys seem to be unable to separate properly and start new paths, and it can only hurt both of you down the road and prolong the inevitable.

 

It is totally possible to have feelings for someone and yet be unfit together. A number of times in my life, instead of paying attention to the bottom line of us not being a good fit and the whole thing being dysfunctional, I swayed around because of going with these feelings. It's about seeing the reality and what's best, and then sticking to it. Over time, the feelings will settle down and align with that. But they won't settle down if they continue to be stimulated through constant contact. It's like your brain needs to rewire in order to weaken those neural connections and create new ones.

 

If you haven't given either of you closure, it may be a good idea to send him a brief and polite message that you are not trying to be mean but that it's best of you to stop interacting; and then do NC.

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In my experience, mind and feelings can do crazy things. It can drive you all over the place and be very challenging. Because mind will always tell you something or other, and the emotions and feelings follow the mind.

 

The solution is to see the bottom line and the reality as clearly as you can. Right now, even though you broke it off with him, you still don't seem to be stable in your decision. Are you?

 

If you know intuitively and in your heart that it is for the best, that the two of you should not be together, then be absolutely grounded with that reality. Anything else your mind or emotions tell you then becomes irrelevant, because they always tell you something, and you'll feel one way in the morning, another way in the evening and so on. If you go with these fluctuations, you'll never be solid on any decision. Decide from the Inside, your heart and guts and knowing ultimately what's for the best. And once you do, if it is the right thing, then yes, absolutely, cut the contact, b/c otherwise you guys seem to be unable to separate properly and start new paths, and it can only hurt both of you down the road and prolong the inevitable.

 

It is totally possible to have feelings for someone and yet be unfit together. A number of times in my life, instead of paying attention to the bottom line of us not being a good fit and the whole thing being dysfunctional, I swayed around because of going with these feelings. It's about seeing the reality and what's best, and then sticking to it. Over time, the feelings will settle down and align with that. But they won't settle down if they continue to be stimulated through constant contact. It's like your brain needs to rewire in order to weaken those neural connections and create new ones.

 

If you haven't given either of you closure, it may be a good idea to send him a brief and polite message that you are not trying to be mean but that it's best of you to stop interacting; and then do NC.

 

Sorry, i think you may of read it wrong. He broke up with me, this advice is probably more suited for him, but what i wanted to hear was experiences of the dumper when the dumpee was going through NC

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There is a thread from a long time ago that I read yesterday. I was looking for the exact same testimonial as you when I found it.

 

It is called NC & getting back together - from a "dumper" (won't let me post the URL)

 

Thank you, I read it already today, literally basing all my energy and feelings around it lol. I wondered if there was any other situations..

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I dumped my ex once and told her she's not the one for me and to move on etc. We stayed in contact for a month or two and then one day she cut me off and said she was seeing someone else. Made me do a total 180 over the next month. I was basically begging her to come back. Eventually I got got her back after about a month of trying.

 

Once they realize they are going to lose you forever and be completely out of your life it makes them think. It did in my case.

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There was another post on here somewhere (I would have to search for it) that was basically a breakup/reconciliation guide and the guy linked off to some of his other posts that talked about "Here's what to do if you want to keep contact/remain friends" and "here's what to do if you want to go no contact" among other things.

 

That was another really good read and there was a good point he made in there which was "staying friends makes it easier on the dumper to move on and causes pain to the dumpee, NC makes it easier for the dumpee to move on and causes pain for the dumper."

 

My best friend dated his girlfriend for a long time (I believe it was October 2009 until late 2013/early 2014) and he ended things because she wanted kids and marriage immediately and he wasn't sure if he ever wanted either in his life... the nail in the coffin was when she told him that she didn't like any of his friends... different expectations in life are VERY good reasons to permanently end a relationship and never look back. March/April 2014 they were back together, December 2014 they were engaged, August 2015 they were married... and that time apart was absolute torture for my friend (the dumper), he did all kinds of things to distract himself. Online date/talking to other girls made him feel guilty and sick to his stomach... and he's usually a very emotionally detached person. This wasn't typical behavior for him.

 

That's just a happy story for you to keep your head up though... this doesn't happen for everybody... the best thing you can do is pick yourself up and not set any expectations. Once you have no expectations and know you can handle potential rejection... that's when you're mentally prepared to reach out with a casual demeanor (if you even still want to).

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Why did he break up with you and has the reason for breaking up been changed/resolved or has nothing changed and you're just hoping that a strategy to help you get over someone will actually help you to get them back?

 

So: Why did he break up with you... what was his reasoning?

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As I said I don't necessarily want advice on our relationship I was just interested in knowing from a dumper how they feel when they still love their ex and are confused and then stop hearing from their partner... I can tell you... The reason we broke up wasn't because he fell out of love .. Lost feelings for me .. or because of trust or loyalty issues.

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Its important to know why you broke up because if its for reasons that he needed you (or himself) to change, then no contact is useless in trying to get someone to come back to you because if the issues haven't been rectified, then the same thing will just happen down the line and you will be devastated all over again when the same thing happens... which the odds are in favour that it will.

 

Wanting to know what other dumpers felt when the person they broke up with has gone no contact is just you looking to get validating responses that will fuel your hope. I understand your motivation but I would be amiss in giving you enabling dialogue instead of encouraging you to use NC to get over him rather then to try and manipulate him back.... particularly if the break up was for good reasons.

 

Simply loving someone is not enough if there are problems in the relationship that make it impossible to continue sharing your love with one another. Love is never enough.

 

Good luck. I hope while you are no contact with one another you're both working to remedy whatever it was that cause him to end a long term relationship with you.

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The reasons we broke up were reasons that I have worked on and I have changed my ways so if we was to get back together, the same issues wouldn't arise I can guarantee that! He felt I was at gym a awful lot but also he felt I lacked in giving him effection. Which is true and I have worked on that! We had a argument and we mutually agreed to breaking up but me being a typical girl didn't believe it was proper over till a week later

 

I was only asking what dumpers felt just out of interest. I know going in to no contact won't guarantee he will come

Back, I am fully aware! But it will give him time to know what life will be like without me and give him a chance to miss me, out of 6 years the longest we haven't been in contact for a week, so I just wanted to know when you love somebody and you haven't given a definite we are over forever response, how do they respond how do they think.

 

Thank you. What will be will be for the best

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I've never dumped anyone that I was in love with. But once I wanted him out of my life....what a relief I felt when he just left, and didn't beg! Both were very short termer's tho. I've always been the one to hang on throughout toxic relationships. But once I fell out of love....NOTHING was going to make me change my mind. (I was married 20 years to someone I couldn't stand....yuck)

 

So if he dumped you....and you didn't cause him to distrust you....and it wasn't because he fell out of love with you....why the heck did he dump you???

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Its important to know why you broke up because if its for reasons that he needed you (or himself) to change, then no contact is useless in trying to get someone to come back to you because if the issues haven't been rectified, then the same thing will just happen down the line and you will be devastated all over again when the same thing happens... which the odds are in favour that it will.

 

Wanting to know what other dumpers felt when the person they broke up with has gone no contact is just you looking to get validating responses that will fuel your hope. I understand your motivation but I would be amiss in giving you enabling dialogue instead of encouraging you to use NC to get over him rather then to try and manipulate him back.... particularly if the break up was for good reasons.

 

Simply loving someone is not enough if there are problems in the relationship that make it impossible to continue sharing your love with one another. Love is never enough.

 

Good luck. I hope while you are no contact with one another you're both working to remedy whatever it was that cause him to end a long term relationship with you.

 

You're right, she's looking for validation... when I went searching I was also looking for validation. This validation is powerful, because it shows that the "dumper" is just as likely to be missing you during NC and therefore it makes it easier to remain in NC. For people who struggle with thinking "how are they going to miss me if I don't text them to remind them I'm here?" this is just what they need to see.

 

You're absolutely right that NC needs to be about soul searching for WHY the breakup happened, what needs to change to fix it, and whether or not the change will conflict with your own values so that you can assess whether or not you even WANT to reconcile... and you probably won't be successful in a reconciliation unless it happens AFTER you've regained yourself, fixed the problems and know that you're going to be happy with or without your ex... but some people need the other perspective to have the strength to do all of this.

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Sorry...I just saw your post ahead of mine. About the gym and affection. I must have been typing when you were posting that.

 

My ex and I were always breaking up during the last 2 years. The only reason it stuck now, is because he found someone else!

 

But before that, he'd to 2 weeks and always be back....causing me pain and heartache during the whole time. Or he'd push me away, i'd look at another guy with slight interest, and he'd come back with proclamations of love. They just never lasted.

 

I would just tell him that you love him, that you're sorry he didn't feel the affection from you and you would work on that. But for now, it causes to much pain and I have to go NC with you. If he ever changes his mind...the door is open. And then you go live your life and not hang around hoping. That is the HARD PART!

 

I did that to an ex-fiancé who met another woman. He lived 4 hours away. I sent it by letter. He called crying. Got back with me 4 months later...then went back to HER 4 months later. ugh. Relationships.

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Unless you're crazy overkill on your gym habits, I wouldn't adjust those for him. That's part of who you are, that's an example of change that interferes with your personal values. If you change that habit you're creating another problem... not being YOU.

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Unless you're crazy overkill on your gym habits, I wouldn't adjust those for him. That's part of who you are, that's an example of change that interferes with your personal values. If you change that habit you're creating another problem... not being YOU.

I respectfully disagree. What you are saying is akin to telling her that an alcoholic who stops drinking and changes that addiction is him/her not being him/her. Anything.. doesn't matter what it is if its being abused to the point where it's interfering with other aspects of one's life then it's a problem. (addiction). I don't know the details of her gym use but if she was there more then she wasn't then it's an addiction...

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The longest I had gone with NC with this last ex was 30 days. Because he told me to get out of his house or he'd throw me out. So I started seeing someone else. EXACTLY one month later, while I was at a wedding with this guy...he starts calling. I ignored. (now you have to realize I didn't care about the new guy...just someone to hang with...still in love with ex) So he called a day or 2 later. I ignored. Finally he texted me...I have to tell you something, then you don't have to ever talk to me again.

 

So I called. 2 hour convo. Said he was in love with me. (first time he had ever said it) I have it written down in my journal....10 days later I could feel him pulling away.

 

He never ever had the 'break up ' talk. He would just unfriend me and block me on fb. oh...and he's 58. real mature.

 

Just give it time, as long as there is not another woman in the picture, they usually come back cuz they're lonely or horny.

 

My last 2 left...and stayed gone, because they had someone new.

 

But remember, if he comes back, and nothing has changed....he will be gone again!

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You're right, she's looking for validation... when I went searching I was also looking for validation. This validation is powerful, because it shows that the "dumper" is just as likely to be missing you during NC and therefore it makes it easier to remain in NC. For people who struggle with thinking "how are they going to miss me if I don't text them to remind them I'm here?" this is just what they need to see.

 

You're absolutely right that NC needs to be about soul searching for WHY the breakup happened, what needs to change to fix it, and whether or not the change will conflict with your own values so that you can assess whether or not you even WANT to reconcile... and you probably won't be successful in a reconciliation unless it happens AFTER you've regained yourself, fixed the problems and know that you're going to be happy with or without your ex... but some people need the other perspective to have the strength to do all of this.

No point in having the strength to go NC if you're using it to manipulate an outcome. That just keeps you stagnated from moving on.

No point in getting validation that keeps the hope going when the goal should be indifference and acceptance of the demise of the union.

Both just keep you mired and unable to move on.

 

This breakup (according to Op's other posts) has been coming for awhile and she's manipulated him into staying with her before. Now that he has had the strength to actually sever NC is the best way for both of them to move on completely... which they will once his guilt is squelched (for being the one to end it) and her attachment to him has dwindled. Bottom line: no matter Op's motives, NC is the way to go. Getting validation will just make it so that she takes longer to accept.

 

JMPOV and why it was stated.

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I respectfully disagree. What you are saying is akin to telling her that an alcoholic who stops drinking and changes that addiction is him/her not being him/her. Anything.. doesn't matter what it is if its being abused to the point where it's interfering with other aspects of one's life then it's a problem. (addiction). I don't know the details of her gym use but if she was there more then she wasn't then it's an addiction...

 

Yeah... that's what I was saying when I said "Unless your gym habits are overkill"... if you're spending 3 hours a day at the gym it's obviously a problem... if you avoid going out with your friends to go to they gym instead and to stay away from food/drinks for fitness purposes it's a problem... this is actually known as "orthorexia" and is on the brink of acceptance into the DSM as an eating disorder. If that's the problem I support limiting gym time. If you spend an acceptable amount of time in the gym I don't support adjusting that.

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Wow so basically everyone feels like throwing out their strong opinions without even helping out. It almost feels like you're being attacked? That's odd. People are weird. If you don't have a response proper to her questions, move to the next forum.

 

From a dumpers perspective:

After dating this guy I was with for a year. I thought I was in love and we had it all perfect. He treated me nice in the beginning and it was all good. I'm a very introspective person so i did my best in that relationship. He was madly in love to the point he called me his first love, even though he married before. Anyways, I had mentally planed to leave him for 3 months before I actually ended it. I realized I was only infatuated with what I THOUGHT he was but not who he actually was. The hardest part was ending it because I didn't know how it would end up. I was scared he would say a lot of things to hurt me even more. Towards the end, relationship was toxic. Being a woman, I was already mentally prepared. When I did it. I had a sigh of relief. I was living my life now.

It felt weird to be alone but it felt better then having his annoying voice bicker and yell at me all the time. It was so annoying. I was irritated! He was a grown as man who was just too needy.

He would text me telling me he was a mess and how he was so sad. He said how dearly he'd always love me no matter what and that I deserved happiness. The thing is, all the sappy love stuff, I was ignoring. My brain would ignore it. Only things I read were "I'll always be waiting for u to return". Which was so unattractive.

He did this for several months. And then stopped finally.

When he stopped, I wondered what he was up to and who he was with and how life must be for him. I thought of all the positives! Like maybe he's doing great with his work now and that he has found contentment.

We had short convos here and there. Fast forward a few years, I can't believe I ever dated him. I don't even like him enough to keep him as a friend. He told me recently that he went into depression after I left and that he hooked up with a girl who I told him to get rid of her number but I guess he never did. He slept with her the night I ended things. I realized he is just far from emotionally mature. He is unstable. He thinks he's the opposite and this is funny to me. I see now in hindsight, that his emotional immaturity is just what killed it for me. I have no respect towards him.

I'm going through my own breakup but I'm not in anyway professing my undying love to him. I'm giving him space to breath. And I'm respecting myself enough to focus on me during this tough time. I am important too.

NC.. It's giving them the gift of absence- so they can have a chance to miss you. But it's also giving you the gift to find clarity of who you are OUTSIDE the relationship. No matter how long or amazing the relationship. We lose our identity entwined with the other person. It's time to build ourselves up from a clean slate. PM me if you wana talk!

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Raindrop, that's a good story!

 

Sounds like the first half of no contact worked, but he didn't put the effort in to fix his issues in order to "win you back" if you will.

 

IF he had addressed those problems during NC do you think that things would be different today? Probably a REALLY hard question to put into perspective and answer, but just curious.

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Wow so basically everyone feels like throwing out their strong opinions without even helping out.
She's in denial so she's not "getting" it yet but those "strong opinions" are helpful. Enabling dialogue and useless validation is what is unhelpful to her or any other person that is in denial about their ex's and wanting to reunite.

 

It almost feels like you're being attacked?
Hardly, but often, the truth of the matter does hurt.

 

If you don't have a response proper to her questions, move to the next forum.
As long as we are responding within the guidelines and rules of the forum board ~ Sorry, but when someone comes to an open forum board to get opinions then that is exactly what it is they will get and telling us what to do isn't going to change that.
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Mrsin627- honestly, even if he kept strict NC. It would have been for the better because he hurt me in a lot of unforgivable ways. He was manipulative and very controlling. He laid his hands on me and that was it. I'll never take him back. If he wasn't abusive. I might have. But then again, after time went on I saw how much I wanted something else. I was fair to him in letting him know I was going to move on for good and there wouldn't be another "us".

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