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Thread: NC? Thought Process From Dumper

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I respectfully disagree. What you are saying is akin to telling her that an alcoholic who stops drinking and changes that addiction is him/her not being him/her. Anything.. doesn't matter what it is if its being abused to the point where it's interfering with other aspects of one's life then it's a problem. (addiction). I don't know the details of her gym use but if she was there more then she wasn't then it's an addiction...
    Yeah... that's what I was saying when I said "Unless your gym habits are overkill"... if you're spending 3 hours a day at the gym it's obviously a problem... if you avoid going out with your friends to go to they gym instead and to stay away from food/drinks for fitness purposes it's a problem... this is actually known as "orthorexia" and is on the brink of acceptance into the DSM as an eating disorder. If that's the problem I support limiting gym time. If you spend an acceptable amount of time in the gym I don't support adjusting that.

  2. #22
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    Wow so basically everyone feels like throwing out their strong opinions without even helping out. It almost feels like you're being attacked? That's odd. People are weird. If you don't have a response proper to her questions, move to the next forum.

    From a dumpers perspective:
    After dating this guy I was with for a year. I thought I was in love and we had it all perfect. He treated me nice in the beginning and it was all good. I'm a very introspective person so i did my best in that relationship. He was madly in love to the point he called me his first love, even though he married before. Anyways, I had mentally planed to leave him for 3 months before I actually ended it. I realized I was only infatuated with what I THOUGHT he was but not who he actually was. The hardest part was ending it because I didn't know how it would end up. I was scared he would say a lot of things to hurt me even more. Towards the end, relationship was toxic. Being a woman, I was already mentally prepared. When I did it. I had a sigh of relief. I was living my life now.
    It felt weird to be alone but it felt better then having his annoying voice bicker and yell at me all the time. It was so annoying. I was irritated! He was a grown as man who was just too needy.
    He would text me telling me he was a mess and how he was so sad. He said how dearly he'd always love me no matter what and that I deserved happiness. The thing is, all the sappy love stuff, I was ignoring. My brain would ignore it. Only things I read were "I'll always be waiting for u to return". Which was so unattractive.
    He did this for several months. And then stopped finally.
    When he stopped, I wondered what he was up to and who he was with and how life must be for him. I thought of all the positives! Like maybe he's doing great with his work now and that he has found contentment.
    We had short convos here and there. Fast forward a few years, I can't believe I ever dated him. I don't even like him enough to keep him as a friend. He told me recently that he went into depression after I left and that he hooked up with a girl who I told him to get rid of her number but I guess he never did. He slept with her the night I ended things. I realized he is just far from emotionally mature. He is unstable. He thinks he's the opposite and this is funny to me. I see now in hindsight, that his emotional immaturity is just what killed it for me. I have no respect towards him.
    I'm going through my own breakup but I'm not in anyway professing my undying love to him. I'm giving him space to breath. And I'm respecting myself enough to focus on me during this tough time. I am important too.
    NC.. It's giving them the gift of absence- so they can have a chance to miss you. But it's also giving you the gift to find clarity of who you are OUTSIDE the relationship. No matter how long or amazing the relationship. We lose our identity entwined with the other person. It's time to build ourselves up from a clean slate. PM me if you wana talk!

  3. #23
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    Raindrop, that's a good story!

    Sounds like the first half of no contact worked, but he didn't put the effort in to fix his issues in order to "win you back" if you will.

    IF he had addressed those problems during NC do you think that things would be different today? Probably a REALLY hard question to put into perspective and answer, but just curious.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Wow so basically everyone feels like throwing out their strong opinions without even helping out.
    She's in denial so she's not "getting" it yet but those "strong opinions" are helpful. Enabling dialogue and useless validation is what is unhelpful to her or any other person that is in denial about their ex's and wanting to reunite.

    It almost feels like you're being attacked?
    Hardly, but often, the truth of the matter does hurt.

    If you don't have a response proper to her questions, move to the next forum.
    As long as we are responding within the guidelines and rules of the forum board ~ Sorry, but when someone comes to an open forum board to get opinions then that is exactly what it is they will get and telling us what to do isn't going to change that.

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  6. #25
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    Mrsin627- honestly, even if he kept strict NC. It would have been for the better because he hurt me in a lot of unforgivable ways. He was manipulative and very controlling. He laid his hands on me and that was it. I'll never take him back. If he wasn't abusive. I might have. But then again, after time went on I saw how much I wanted something else. I was fair to him in letting him know I was going to move on for good and there wouldn't be another "us".

  7. #26
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    Oh that's a different situation than I expected... I don't think abusers should get a second chance. I think they are capable of change, and I think they deserve a chance at love, but that chance shouldn't be with somebody they already abused... Just my opinion though.

  8. #27
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    Yes you are right. That's my exact sentiment. He is beginning a new relationship and was asking me for advice and I'm just like ?????!! I don't mind but it's odd when your abuser asks you advice for the new lady. He's also mentioned he's not completely over me and that he loves me too deeply that he isn't sure anyone else will ever fill that space. I on the other hand feel the opposite and feel repulsed by him but that's a different story.
    I kind of gave him some advice but kept it strictly just that. He is aware we will never be together again.

    But I agree, abusers can change and deserve love when they are ready. I just hope he doesn't do to her what he did to me. It's been a bit over 2 years and I'm still traumatized by his abuse. I've only recently started therapy for it too.

  9. #28
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    Lol i just logged back on, and reading all these posts is quite amusing now. thanks everyone for your constructive advice and to those who assumed he wouldnt be back im a good woman and i knew he would realise in return i have ended up going through this a even better woman than before , but i went 3 days NC and he come running back begging for me back, we are back together and alot happier

  10. #29
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    That's great! Did he initiate contact first?
    Breakups are weird I swear.
    Sometimes it helps us see what we lost.
    Sometimes it gives us perspective.
    Sometimes it freaks us out!

    But hey at least he came back.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=el3112;6537534]Lol i just logged back on, and reading all these posts is quite amusing now. thanks everyone for your constructive advice and to those who assumed he wouldnt be back im a good woman and i knew he would realise in return i have ended up going through this a even better woman than before , but i went 3 days NC and he come running back begging for me back, we are back together and alot happier
    And seriously: What is the point of him "coming running back" if nothing has changed. Once the new relationship energy of your reunion fades and the rose coloured glasses come off, you will be right back where you started only this time you'll be even ore shredded having had to go through it all over again.

    I'm sorry this is happening to you, actually.

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