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Thread: NC? Thought Process From Dumper

  1. #11
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    The reasons we broke up were reasons that I have worked on and I have changed my ways so if we was to get back together, the same issues wouldn't arise I can guarantee that! He felt I was at gym a awful lot but also he felt I lacked in giving him effection. Which is true and I have worked on that! We had a argument and we mutually agreed to breaking up but me being a typical girl didn't believe it was proper over till a week later

    I was only asking what dumpers felt just out of interest. I know going in to no contact won't guarantee he will come
    Back, I am fully aware! But it will give him time to know what life will be like without me and give him a chance to miss me, out of 6 years the longest we haven't been in contact for a week, so I just wanted to know when you love somebody and you haven't given a definite we are over forever response, how do they respond how do they think.

    Thank you. What will be will be for the best

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    I've never dumped anyone that I was in love with. But once I wanted him out of my life....what a relief I felt when he just left, and didn't beg! Both were very short termer's tho. I've always been the one to hang on throughout toxic relationships. But once I fell out of love....NOTHING was going to make me change my mind. (I was married 20 years to someone I couldn't stand....yuck)

    So if he dumped you....and you didn't cause him to distrust you....and it wasn't because he fell out of love with you....why the heck did he dump you???

  3. #13
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    It's not always that simple

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Its important to know why you broke up because if its for reasons that he needed you (or himself) to change, then no contact is useless in trying to get someone to come back to you because if the issues haven't been rectified, then the same thing will just happen down the line and you will be devastated all over again when the same thing happens... which the odds are in favour that it will.

    Wanting to know what other dumpers felt when the person they broke up with has gone no contact is just you looking to get validating responses that will fuel your hope. I understand your motivation but I would be amiss in giving you enabling dialogue instead of encouraging you to use NC to get over him rather then to try and manipulate him back.... particularly if the break up was for good reasons.

    Simply loving someone is not enough if there are problems in the relationship that make it impossible to continue sharing your love with one another. Love is never enough.

    Good luck. I hope while you are no contact with one another you're both working to remedy whatever it was that cause him to end a long term relationship with you.
    You're right, she's looking for validation... when I went searching I was also looking for validation. This validation is powerful, because it shows that the "dumper" is just as likely to be missing you during NC and therefore it makes it easier to remain in NC. For people who struggle with thinking "how are they going to miss me if I don't text them to remind them I'm here?" this is just what they need to see.

    You're absolutely right that NC needs to be about soul searching for WHY the breakup happened, what needs to change to fix it, and whether or not the change will conflict with your own values so that you can assess whether or not you even WANT to reconcile... and you probably won't be successful in a reconciliation unless it happens AFTER you've regained yourself, fixed the problems and know that you're going to be happy with or without your ex... but some people need the other perspective to have the strength to do all of this.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    Sorry...I just saw your post ahead of mine. About the gym and affection. I must have been typing when you were posting that.

    My ex and I were always breaking up during the last 2 years. The only reason it stuck now, is because he found someone else!

    But before that, he'd to 2 weeks and always be back....causing me pain and heartache during the whole time. Or he'd push me away, i'd look at another guy with slight interest, and he'd come back with proclamations of love. They just never lasted.

    I would just tell him that you love him, that you're sorry he didn't feel the affection from you and you would work on that. But for now, it causes to much pain and I have to go NC with you. If he ever changes his mind...the door is open. And then you go live your life and not hang around hoping. That is the HARD PART!

    I did that to an ex-fiancÚ who met another woman. He lived 4 hours away. I sent it by letter. He called crying. Got back with me 4 months later...then went back to HER 4 months later. ugh. Relationships.

  7. #16
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    Unless you're crazy overkill on your gym habits, I wouldn't adjust those for him. That's part of who you are, that's an example of change that interferes with your personal values. If you change that habit you're creating another problem... not being YOU.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mrsin627
    Unless you're crazy overkill on your gym habits, I wouldn't adjust those for him. That's part of who you are, that's an example of change that interferes with your personal values. If you change that habit you're creating another problem... not being YOU.
    I respectfully disagree. What you are saying is akin to telling her that an alcoholic who stops drinking and changes that addiction is him/her not being him/her. Anything.. doesn't matter what it is if its being abused to the point where it's interfering with other aspects of one's life then it's a problem. (addiction). I don't know the details of her gym use but if she was there more then she wasn't then it's an addiction...

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    The longest I had gone with NC with this last ex was 30 days. Because he told me to get out of his house or he'd throw me out. So I started seeing someone else. EXACTLY one month later, while I was at a wedding with this guy...he starts calling. I ignored. (now you have to realize I didn't care about the new guy...just someone to hang with...still in love with ex) So he called a day or 2 later. I ignored. Finally he texted me...I have to tell you something, then you don't have to ever talk to me again.

    So I called. 2 hour convo. Said he was in love with me. (first time he had ever said it) I have it written down in my journal....10 days later I could feel him pulling away.

    He never ever had the 'break up ' talk. He would just unfriend me and block me on fb. oh...and he's 58. real mature.

    Just give it time, as long as there is not another woman in the picture, they usually come back cuz they're lonely or horny.

    My last 2 left...and stayed gone, because they had someone new.

    But remember, if he comes back, and nothing has changed....he will be gone again!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    I'd rather much be doing something active with my partner....than being basically by myself at the gym! Cut the time down....but i'd say, get outside and go hiking, or biking, or anything! lol

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mrsin627
    You're right, she's looking for validation... when I went searching I was also looking for validation. This validation is powerful, because it shows that the "dumper" is just as likely to be missing you during NC and therefore it makes it easier to remain in NC. For people who struggle with thinking "how are they going to miss me if I don't text them to remind them I'm here?" this is just what they need to see.

    You're absolutely right that NC needs to be about soul searching for WHY the breakup happened, what needs to change to fix it, and whether or not the change will conflict with your own values so that you can assess whether or not you even WANT to reconcile... and you probably won't be successful in a reconciliation unless it happens AFTER you've regained yourself, fixed the problems and know that you're going to be happy with or without your ex... but some people need the other perspective to have the strength to do all of this.
    No point in having the strength to go NC if you're using it to manipulate an outcome. That just keeps you stagnated from moving on.
    No point in getting validation that keeps the hope going when the goal should be indifference and acceptance of the demise of the union.
    Both just keep you mired and unable to move on.

    This breakup (according to Op's other posts) has been coming for awhile and she's manipulated him into staying with her before. Now that he has had the strength to actually sever NC is the best way for both of them to move on completely... which they will once his guilt is squelched (for being the one to end it) and her attachment to him has dwindled. Bottom line: no matter Op's motives, NC is the way to go. Getting validation will just make it so that she takes longer to accept.

    JMPOV and why it was stated.

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