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Thread: Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

  1. #1
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    Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

    I've been trolling these threads for quite some time now. I look aimlessly for stories of people getting back together after months of NC. Puts me at ease some how. I don't know if I'll ever post my own getting back together story, but I hope to.

    It has been 7 weeks since the breakup and 4 weeks of NC. I made all the typical mistakes, well I didn't know they were typical mistakes until I read about it all over this forum. For about 3 weeks after the breakup, we had LC that was mainly initiated by me. I sent a text apologizing and he responded saying he "had been thinking about me a lot". I stupidly jumped the gun and asked him to reconsider his decision. He never responded. I look back and I am embarrassed that I even did that. How foolish was I not to realize that he needed time and space and I wasn't respecting that. I had no concern for his feelings. I was acting solely out of emotion minus a logical mind. Another text I sent was about the roomful of his furniture sitting in my parent's house. We rented a furnished condo and we bought new furniture more suitable for the children. We decided to store the landlord's furniture in my parent's home. I can't see him forfeiting all that furniture. I sent him one last text asking him to pick up the furniture...no response. That was 4 weeks ago. I went into NC from that day on and he hasn't contacted me since.

    Advice from family, friends, and even those on this board are always the same. Move on and take care of YOU. While I am doing those things, my thoughts are still consumed by him. I miss him terribly. The children even more. We were together for one year and lived together for most of that time. He has custody of his 2 children and I developed a very deep bond with them. I didn't just lose him, I lost 3 important people. Our relationship wasn't riddled with problems or fighting. No cheating or lies ever. We loved eachother deeply. We both failed miserably in the communication department and my negative mindset didn't help things at all. I think I was just scared and we moved so quickly, so it took me some time to adjust. I began to pressure him about the future of our relationship and he just bailed. Now that I've had time to think, hindsight is 20/20. What was I thinking? I was pressuring a man who recently got custody of his 2 children about having more children. I think I would have contemplated running for the hills too. Needless to say, I don't think I handled things well at all. I believe I treated him badly. Our intimacy suffered and I pressured on. I know it is never just one person when a relationship fails. There is always 2 at fault. He did have his faults, but I can say with confidence that I did a good job at blocking his efforts to work with me. I feel so selfish and I feel terrible for the way I treated him. I wasn't a raging maniac or anything of that sort, I just wasn't understanding and I wasn't willing to allow us to work. I am so stubborn. I gave him a hard time and I became very needy. I am still having a hard time coping with his decision, but at the same time, I see why he had to leave. He didn't deserve that. Something had to change. I am deeply hurt because he seems cold and heartless. It's like I'm dead to him. This is what fuels my dedication to NC. I need to heal...we both do. I think we both need time to sort out what we want.

    It took me a good month to start seeing straight. I spent the first month post-breakup crying with my face in a pillow so that my parents wouldn't hear my cries. I still cry almost every day, but I guess it's part of the process. I started going to church, haven't stepped foot in a church in about 20 years. I am reading self help books and books about maintaining healthy relationships, I'm exercising, and eating healthy. I'm focusing on myself...the best I can. His decision has been the best and worst thing that could have ever happened. Yes, I lost someone I love and care for deeply, but this has truly been monumental in my self development. In my 31 years I have never took the time to learn and grow from any hardships I've endured. I'm changing, in a very good way. Regardless of if I ever speak to him again, regardless of if we reconcile or not, I will be better equipped in my next relationship and overall a better person. I needed this. He made me pack up my things and shoved me into darkness and for the first time in my life, I don't want anyone to hold my hand to walk me through this, I want to make changes and learn from this on my own. To add, I think the old saying, you never know what you have until it's gone holds a lot of truth. I think we both took eachother for granted. Speaking for myself, I now see how much I value him. Unfortunately, too late.

    I deactivated my facebook the day of the breakup. We are still friends on facebook and I try to not go back on to peek into his life, but I'm human and I can't help myself sometimes. He told me previously that he knows I go back on to look at his page and that he posts things on purpose. Immature I know, but I guess he was just looking for a reaction. I don't know what I am looking for when I go on because it's all pretty irrelevant. It still doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to be apart of my life. He will post songs and pictures of flowers he has sent me in the past. He will post statuses about him being single. See, we've had small breaks in the past. They were minor issues. I would take a few days off. I'd stay at my parents until I got my thoughts together. I would always be the one to fix the issue. I would always have to call or text to mend things with no effort from him. I was the pursuer. We'd make up and I'd go back home to him as if nothing ever happened. The longest we ever went NC was less than 2 weeks. This is the first time that I've fully let go of the rope and this is the fist time that we've gone this long with NC. This break up is serious. I'm sure it will be a while, if not already, that he realizes that I'm no longer trying to fix things anymore. Additionally, I'm under the impression that he doesn't want it to be fixed. It has been very important for me to realize that it takes 2 willing people to reconcile. It's not about who contacts who first, the dumpee or the dumper. I don't care about the subliminal messages that he may or may not be giving me through his facebook posts. Those things don't matter. What matters is that somehow, someway if we are meant to be together, if our love is strong enough, we will find a way to resolve our issues together. At this point, I don't even know if I am supposed to be the one to approach him about reconciliation providing the circumstances. I just feel that he is the one who made this decision and I've made numerous attempts to talk to him. If he really wanted to explore reconciliation, he would let me know. I guess I'm just confused and that is why I've done nothing rather than break NC only to regret it.

    I don't know what is going to happen in the upcoming weeks. Every week that passes, I keep thinking to myself...too much time has passed, he certainly would have contacted me by now, he's single...maybe he's waiting for me to figure out what I want, maybe the ball is in my court. I really don't know. All I know is that I have figured out what I want in life. I should never set unrealistic goals for myself. It's unhealthy to do so. I should never set time limits for marriage and children. My goal should be that I want to spend my life with a man that I love and all else the universe will put in my hands when the time is right. That is a healthy goal. I will be 32 soon and I accept that if I don't have an opportunity to have children, I am ok with that. I just want to enjoy my life and appreciate those in it. I do want to be with him, but if that is not possible, I understand and most importantly, I will be OK.

    I'm hoping it won't be long before I'm back to post details of our reconciliation. I know, I know...wishful thinking. I'm just not at peace with any of this. Something deep down inside tells me I'll hear from him again. Then again..it's probably side effects from this breakup. For those of you who can relate and you going through dark times, if you haven't already, I highly suggest reading The Five Love Languages and Make Up, Don't Break Up.

    Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading. Just needed to share my thoughts.
    Last edited by Ksol9; 04-05-2016 at 09:02 PM.

  2. #2
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    I know it's hard to let go, trust me, I was there. If it's meant to be it'll happen no matter what if not, then there is someone out there waiting for you. 4 weeks of NC is a huge step in moving forward, continue on. If he had the slightest doubt in his mind about the break up he would contact you. Sometimes our exes are content with how things are and we have to accept that and move on

  3. #3
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    Hi. Just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and I'm impressed with your strength and insight. If he's been posting things on Facebook to try to get a reaction or send some kind of message, then he's obviously thinking about you too and isn't over it either (unless he just gets a kick out of getting under someone's skin by playing games, but that's not the impression I get from your post).

    My relationship probably can't be compared to yours, in that there are no kids involved, we haven't lived together, and it's been on/off many times. But we've been through several periods of NC (anywhere from days to a month and a half) and always end up back together. We're together now. Without boring you with detail, I'm usually the one to end it because I feel taken for granted, and he's the one to call and call until I soften and let him back in again. I let him back in because I love him and want to be with him; I just need to know that he really cares. NC makes us miss each other for sure.

    Hang in there, and I hope the best for you.

  4. #4
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    I just stumbled upon this uplifting story and thought I would share:


  5.  

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    Lostlove76, thank you for the link. I woke up at 5:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. I am up all hours of the night missing him. I started reading the story from your link. Don't ask me how I ended up late for work when I've been up since before the sun came up, but I couldn't stop reading. It brought so many thoughts to my mind, good and bad. Gosh, I just miss him so very much. Wish I could pick up the phone and tell him to stop all of this already. I'm over it.

    I also found it interesting that you said you felt he had taken you for granted and you needed to know that he cares. This is also my concerns. I've always been the one to fix things. I've always felt that he didn't care. I did all the work when there was conflict. I felt he didn't care if I took off and didn't come back and that is exactly what happened. He let me leave and he hasn't called. I've seen him drive my job a few times as recent as last week. We've run into eachother at stop lights and we will make contact with our eyes. Feels like my heart stops but then I remember I don't have a heart anymore. Who knows...I could just be dramatizing everything in my mind. For all I know, I don't cross his mind and he doesn't want a thing to do with me, EVER.

    I'm having an early lunch at my favorite sushi place and it just hit me. I'm waiting for something that may never happen. There has been no indication from him that he is confused or he is contemplating his decision. I'm in complete darkness and in complete silence. He has moved on with his life while I am here trying to pick up the pieces. I was reminded of what he told me the day of the break up. Oh how that talk haunts me till this day! He said, "I know you want to have children and I know how important that is to you. You deserve to be happy. This decision is for the best." Mind you, he has never once sat down and had a conversation with me about my views on having children. He went on to explain that the children issue could have been worked out but the problems about my negative mindset was never going to change. Makes me sick every time I think back to that day. It's still so fresh in my mind.

    It scares me to think 2 months could turn into 4 months of NC. He is just as stubborn, if not more, than I am. He has pride to last more than a lifetime. I know him very well. I won't hear from him. He won't initiate contact with me and that is my biggest fear. As much as I can't take it anymore, I can't, I just can't, try to talk to him. Not at this point. I need to wait. I need to hurry up and be PATIENT.

    This is just one of the most challenging times in my life.

  7. #6
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    Feeling down today. This dark place is full of complete silence and it scares me. I feel helpless and hopeless. Throughout the day I kept thinking how angry I am with him for acting like I am dead to him. He slept in the same bed with me every night, 2 days before breaking up he's telling me that I complete him, next thing you know, it's like we are complete strangers. I'm so hurt and recently I've been feeling like I want to call him. It won't do me any good though. I don't want to throw the 30 days I've been in NC down the drain. He's so stubborn and full of pride. I know he will never initiate contact. I'm feeling so discouraged about everything today. I just want to wake up and not have this on my mind anymore. I want to be healed and uneffected by this. Heartbreaks truly suck!

    Also, I have an Amazon prime account. Since the breakup, his daughter has been using the account to browse. There has been times I went on my account and found strange things in my cart. Press on nails and earrings. Young teen things. I know it's her because no one else has access to the account and those are items she would shop for. Well this morning when I checked my email, there was a purchase for some novelty reading glasses. I guess all the kids are wearing them to achieve a nerdy look. lol It had been purchased using a gift card and is being shipped to their house. With that being said, now there is going to be package delivered to his home addressed to my name. I'm assuming she will then explain to dad that she used my account to purchase because I have free shipping for all purchases. I don't mind her using the account, in fact she is free to use it any time she wants. No big deal to me. I love her dearly. My concern is that he might think I am up to something or I had contact with his daughter. I'm thinking about all the possibilities. What if she contacts me? What if she gets in trouble? What will I say? Do I just ignore? All kinds of things are going through my mind and its causing me anxiety. I'm reminding myself to toughen up and not put too much thought into it. I most likely won't hear anything about it.

  8. #7
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    You're a wonderful writer, did you know that?

    I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down. I really do know how you feel... I've been there, many many times over the past almost two years with my boyfriend. I know it's a horribly sad and dark and lonely place to be.

    I don't want to give any false hope or steer you one way or another about NC, because I'm so bad at relationships myself that I always worry about giving the wrong advice and messing things up for someone. So please take what I say as nothing more than a sharing of my own experience....

    Several things jumped out at me in your last two posts:

    "I've seen him drive my job a few times as recent as last week."

    Would he have any other reason to be in the area, or are you pretty sure he was there strictly to drive by your job? If so, then he's obviously thinking about you and he's curious. I've done the ole drive-by many many times, embarrassingly enough! I wasn't being stalkerish - I was just curious and missing him, and it made me feel a tiny bit of closeness somehow. So if he's not in the area for other reasons, then there's a reason he's driving by: because he misses you.

    "I've always been the one to fix things. I've always felt that he didn't care. I did all the work when there was conflict. I felt he didn't care if I took off and didn't come back"
    "He let me leave and he hasn't called."
    "There has been no indication from him that he is confused or he is contemplating his decision."
    "He is just as stubborn, if not more, than I am. He has pride to last more than a lifetime. I know him very well. I won't hear from him. He won't initiate contact with me"
    "He's so stubborn and full of pride. I know he will never initiate contact."

    Okay, so I am just like him. I'm extremely stubborn and prideful. There was a time when I was the pursuer, and it never did me any good at all, so I quit doing it. Now I've gone the opposite direction, and I WILL NOT contact my boyfriend when we're on the outs. Our relationship is a lot different from yours, and our breakups are different. But from my boyfriend's point of view, he could easily assume that I don't care about him, that I'm not thinking about him, that I want nothing to do with him. Which is the complete opposite of the truth. In truth, I'm sad and miserable and missing the heck out of him, but I refuse to reach out. I love him deeply, with my whole entire heart, and I want nothing more than to be with him. I guess my point is that things aren't always what they seem. In the silence, it seems like your boyfriend has moved on and isn't thinking of you, but you don't really know. He could be waiting for you to be the one to reach out first (I'm not necessarily suggesting that you do so). I wait and wait for my phone to ring, and I know that he'll eventually call. Every day feels like a week while I'm waiting. Even when he calls and I don't answer (because I'm so upset with him), it's only because I'm being stubborn and holding onto the anger and distrust. Eventually we go back to good. But I would never be the first to reach out.

    "My concern is that he might think I am up to something or I had contact with his daughter."

    He may wonder for a minute or two, but he'll ask his daughter quickly enough and realize that you're not up to anything. I wouldn't worry about this. I'm like you, I always find every little thing to worry about and overthink into the ground. 95% of the time, nothing ever comes of it.

    My most recent breakup with my boyfriend was back in October, when he coldly told me it was just time to move on. He had moved and was starting a new life, and didn't want to do long-distance. We were completely NC for six weeks until he called saying he loves and misses me, and we've been back together (with a few little ons and offs) ever since, and more in love than ever. So while you should be prepared to move on if it comes to that, there is always hope.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by lostlove76
    You're a wonderful writer, did you know that?

    I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down. I really do know how you feel... I've been there, many many times over the past almost two years with my boyfriend. I know it's a horribly sad and dark and lonely place to be.

    I don't want to give any false hope or steer you one way or another about NC, because I'm so bad at relationships myself that I always worry about giving the wrong advice and messing things up for someone. So please take what I say as nothing more than a sharing of my own experience....

    Several things jumped out at me in your last two posts:

    "I've seen him drive my job a few times as recent as last week."

    Would he have any other reason to be in the area, or are you pretty sure he was there strictly to drive by your job? If so, then he's obviously thinking about you and he's curious. I've done the ole drive-by many many times, embarrassingly enough! I wasn't being stalkerish - I was just curious and missing him, and it made me feel a tiny bit of closeness somehow. So if he's not in the area for other reasons, then there's a reason he's driving by: because he misses you.

    "I've always been the one to fix things. I've always felt that he didn't care. I did all the work when there was conflict. I felt he didn't care if I took off and didn't come back"
    "He let me leave and he hasn't called."
    "There has been no indication from him that he is confused or he is contemplating his decision."
    "He is just as stubborn, if not more, than I am. He has pride to last more than a lifetime. I know him very well. I won't hear from him. He won't initiate contact with me"
    "He's so stubborn and full of pride. I know he will never initiate contact."

    Okay, so I am just like him. I'm extremely stubborn and prideful. There was a time when I was the pursuer, and it never did me any good at all, so I quit doing it. Now I've gone the opposite direction, and I WILL NOT contact my boyfriend when we're on the outs. Our relationship is a lot different from yours, and our breakups are different. But from my boyfriend's point of view, he could easily assume that I don't care about him, that I'm not thinking about him, that I want nothing to do with him. Which is the complete opposite of the truth. In truth, I'm sad and miserable and missing the heck out of him, but I refuse to reach out. I love him deeply, with my whole entire heart, and I want nothing more than to be with him. I guess my point is that things aren't always what they seem. In the silence, it seems like your boyfriend has moved on and isn't thinking of you, but you don't really know. He could be waiting for you to be the one to reach out first (I'm not necessarily suggesting that you do so). I wait and wait for my phone to ring, and I know that he'll eventually call. Every day feels like a week while I'm waiting. Even when he calls and I don't answer (because I'm so upset with him), it's only because I'm being stubborn and holding onto the anger and distrust. Eventually we go back to good. But I would never be the first to reach out.

    "My concern is that he might think I am up to something or I had contact with his daughter."

    He may wonder for a minute or two, but he'll ask his daughter quickly enough and realize that you're not up to anything. I wouldn't worry about this. I'm like you, I always find every little thing to worry about and overthink into the ground. 95% of the time, nothing ever comes of it.

    My most recent breakup with my boyfriend was back in October, when he coldly told me it was just time to move on. He had moved and was starting a new life, and didn't want to do long-distance. We were completely NC for six weeks until he called saying he loves and misses me, and we've been back together (with a few little ons and offs) ever since, and more in love than ever. So while you should be prepared to move on if it comes to that, there is always hope.
    Thank you lastlove76. It's interesting to hear how you feel. How you love him deeply, but won't call him. He will call and you won't answer, but you waited to hear from him. I know my ex to be this way and this may be the case with him regarding our breakup. That crosses my mind often. He is just that type of person when dealing with conflict with anyone. Anytime we have had problems, he waited for me to pursue. This time, I let go...fully. I am deathly afraid of him rejecting me, so I wait. It is my impression that this is what he wants..to be left alone.

    There is no reason he should be driving past my job. It's not in route to anywhere that he goes. It's out of his way. I do know for sure he is driving by just to see and maybe as you said, it's for closeness or moreso curiousity. Truth is, I don't really know. I don't know what he is thinking at all. He may be waiting for me or I may be the last thing on his mind. He broke up with me and even though specifics behind the breakup were essentially my fault, I still feel that he should reach out to me directly. Not these ridiculous, childish Facebook posts. In reality, I don't even know if those posts were even for me. Not to make this about gender roles, but as a woman, I don't feel I should be pursuing him. Especially since I've already tried early on in the break up and he ignored me. It has been a month since I last contacted him and initially I thought I'd probably hear from him once he realized I wouldn't be contacting him anymore, still not a peep. I dont think he will be brave enough to say something to me.


    I checked the tracking for his daughter's package and I saw that it delivered this morning. It's funny to think for a split second he will think I ordered something for it to be delivered to him when it was nothing of the sort. Hopefully his daughter will clear that up when she gets home from school today. I doubt I'll hear anything about it, but if I haven't been on his mind, hopefully receiving a package with my name on it brings a smile to his face. Gosh...without his love, I'm nothing. I'm left with no choice but to move on with my life. I'm miserable and he's always on my mind. I don't think it would be wise for me to break NC. I'm still crossing my fingers that he will turn this around. All my chips are on him.

    Thank you again for your input. It's greatly appreciated.

  10. #9
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    I am deathly afraid of him rejecting me, so I wait.
    This hits the nail on the head for why I wait, as well (among other reasons). I would rather be stubborn and prideful and just wait than risk getting rejected and feeling worse.

    It is my impression that this is what he wants..to be left alone.
    That may be the case, since he broke up with you. But it may also not be the case. I break up with mine because of things he did, and then I won't answer when he tries to call... so to him, it probably appears that I want to be left alone. I had 50 missed calls from mine over the period of a week during our most recent breakup. But I still wanted him to keep trying, and I did eventually answer and we worked it out. (That sounds so bad that I would do that, but I'd have to write a ton to explain the whole thing). I'm just reiterating my earlier point that things aren't always as they seem. We can't ever really know what the other person is thinking.

    Not to make this about gender roles, but as a woman, I don't feel I should be pursuing him.
    I agree!!!! Things seems to work best when the man is the pursuer.

    Especially since I've already tried early on in the break up and he ignored me.
    The first time I broke up with mine, it was mostly my fault and I tried to fix things with him. I spent a month and a half texting him almost daily. Text after text after text. He completely ignored me. I eventually stopped for two weeks, then tried again and he replied. After that, I was still the only one initiating any contact, period, but he would always reply. I eventually stopped initiating, and after a while of not hearing from me, he initiated a text. It was still unbalanced for a while, with me doing most of the initiating, but somehow the dynamic totally flipped and HE started doing almost all the initiating. And it's now been like that for a long long time. I rarely ever initiate anything at all, whether it's conversation or making up after being on the outs. I feel much more secure with him being the pursuer. It sucks that pride and who-texts-who-first would have any place in relationships, but unfortunately it often does. It would be much better for you if he reached out first and became the initiator. All you can do is wait it out and see.

    Gosh...without his love, I'm nothing... I'm miserable and he's always on my mind.
    I'm the same way, so I feel for you. I really hope this works out for you, and that he'll stop being stupid and will eventually make his way back to you.

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    Originally Posted by lostlove76
    This hits the nail on the head for why I wait, as well (among other reasons). I would rather be stubborn and prideful and just wait than risk getting rejected and feeling worse.


    That may be the case, since he broke up with you. But it may also not be the case. I break up with mine because of things he did, and then I won't answer when he tries to call... so to him, it probably appears that I want to be left alone. I had 50 missed calls from mine over the period of a week during our most recent breakup. But I still wanted him to keep trying, and I did eventually answer and we worked it out. (That sounds so bad that I would do that, but I'd have to write a ton to explain the whole thing). I'm just reiterating my earlier point that things aren't always as they seem. We can't ever really know what the other person is thinking.


    I agree!!!! Things seems to work best when the man is the pursuer.


    The first time I broke up with mine, it was mostly my fault and I tried to fix things with him. I spent a month and a half texting him almost daily. Text after text after text. He completely ignored me. I eventually stopped for two weeks, then tried again and he replied. After that, I was still the only one initiating any contact, period, but he would always reply. I eventually stopped initiating, and after a while of not hearing from me, he initiated a text. It was still unbalanced for a while, with me doing most of the initiating, but somehow the dynamic totally flipped and HE started doing almost all the initiating. And it's now been like that for a long long time. I rarely ever initiate anything at all, whether it's conversation or making up after being on the outs. I feel much more secure with him being the pursuer. It sucks that pride and who-texts-who-first would have any place in relationships, but unfortunately it often does. It would be much better for you if he reached out first and became the initiator. All you can do is wait it out and see.


    I'm the same way, so I feel for you. I really hope this works out for you, and that he'll stop being stupid and will eventually make his way back to you.


    I agree with you lastlove76. Truthfully, I don't know what he wants and I won't know until I contact or he initiates. I have been thinking of calling him, but I'm putting a lot of thought into it before doing so. It wouldn't be for another few weeks. At the same time, I feel I just need to sit tight. Every week that passes, I realize that he is still on my mind regardless of my efforts to move on. I am giving moving on a fair shot. Im doing all the things necessary to heal. I'm giving it time. I need to make sure I've given us both enough time before trying to make contact with him. I also worry about all the time that I've invested in NC. I worry about it all going to waste. Sometimes I feel like I'm not being realistic or honest with myself. I feel like a total fool. This man gave up on our relationship and what in my right mind tells me he wants anything to do with me. If he did, he'd let me know somehow. I've never had to pursue a man like this. I've always taken the route that you take. Instead, I made him feel so secure throughout our relationship. He has not once initiated contact with me since the breakup. I just gave up because I feel like I was making a fool of myself. I'm not so sure I want to go back down that road. I don't know what to do, but I hope with every last bone in my body he will turn this whole thing around. I need to be sure he wants this as much as I do before I make any decisions.

    It interests me when you said you would pursue him, then you eventually stopped and now the roles have completely reversed. Do you think you are able to be so stubborn and prideful because you KNOW he would eventually call? Maybe you know you can ignore calls and not pursue him because you know he would eventually reach out. In my case, I let go of the rope and he kept walking the opposite direction. It's been 4 weeks since my last contact..complete NC...and he still hasn't contacted me. I wonder if I'm in denial.

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