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Thread: Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

  1. #2061
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    I'm codependent because (I believe) my mother always withheld love and affection or made it conditional. Also, nothing I did was ever good enough. If I surprised her by mopping the floor, she asked why I didn't do the laundry. If I made Honor Roll she asked why I didn't also make NHS. When I became an adult I had to drop everything and rush to her side or I didn't love her and wished she were dead. And my father who initially doted on me bailed on the family when I was 10. Where once I was the apple of his eye, I was now an annoyance and a reminder that he really should be taking care of our needs instead of chasing teenage girls.

    I just HAD to get people to love me, particularly men who treated me like I was "just OK" and not quite exactly who or what they wanted.

    I have no idea if any of this helps because you have said your parents are warm and loving.

    Was anyone in your life just out of reach for you? Did you feel like you had to "earn" love or acceptance from someone important to you (prior to your ex)?

  2. #2062
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    Where is Kso19???

  3. #2063
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    Iím still here!!

    I donít visit the site as often anymore, but for some reason I woke up this morning and I thought I should do something just for me (and my dog) today and it also crossed my mind that I should ask here what others do on days when you just want to do what YOU want to do! I want to take my dog to this new park the city opened. Itís located on the bay. Iím in FL, so the weather is just amazing right now. I can get some exercise in and my dog can play. I know it sounds silly, but what do I really do for myself? Iím always working, doing things for my family, and thinking about others. So much so that I rarely ever do something for myself. Trying to be a little more conscious about this codependency thing.

    What are some things you can do just for YOU? Iíll be back a little later to update on whatís been going on in my life!

  4. #2064
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    Hope everyone had an enjoyable Monday. I pretty much took the day off since I've been working myself crazy. I really wanted to visit a new park that recently opened. There has been a lot of excitement around it because it's pretty spectacular. The weather was just gorgeous, so I thought it would be a great day to jog with my dog at the park. Afterwards, I came home to some laundry, a nap, and now I'm just getting organized for the rest of the week. I had a really great day.

    I haven't been to ENA in a while. I've been so busy. It's like life just took over and I haven't really had any time to just sit and do nothing. I used to have so much time on my hands just a couple years ago. Sad that I didn't know what to do with myself. I can actually chuckle when I think about those times. It was definitely a turning point in my life and I guess everyone has to start from somewhere.

    My sister had her baby a few weeks ago. What joy new babies bring. Her family is growing and I am just overjoyed for her. I spent alot of quality time with my nephew (her older son), who is now 2 years old. He's the sweetest little boy! We will be heading back to spend Thanksgiving with them. I'm excited about that little break.

    What have I been up to? I've been taking a lot of realtor continuing education classes. That led me to meet a lot of new people. One in particular told me about a brokerage she joined. I was intrigued, so I decided to meet with the manager to see what they had to offer. They are a small boutique firm with handpicked agents. I decided to switch brokerages about a month ago and so far, it has been the best decision I could have made for myself and my career. I'm just getting started with them, but I can tell I won't be disappointed. My teammates are very supportive. I also like that they are all involved in the community and different charities. Many of them are on the realtor board. I'm really excited to get involved. Most importantly, I believe the switch will help me grow my business. I was working independently before and I think for a "green" agent like myself, working alone was an uphill battle. Although I had some success since I've started in real estate, I think this is a much better fit for me. I'm also still running our family business, so I'm still getting adjusted. Juggling it all has been a little challenging.

    In other areas of my life, I'm not dating. I think I wrote about a guy I decided to get to know earlier in the year. I decided it wouldn't work for me and so I walked away from it. I did hear from him a couple times. I didn't allow it to go any further than casual conversation. Right now, I have submerged myself in work. I'm very focused. I don't think I have time for dating or getting to know someone. I think maybe if I found someone that was just as goal oriented and driven as I was, then maybe. I noticed when I was getting to know the guy from earlier in the year, he needed more of my time. I felt he was needy. It was no fault to him. We just weren't a good match. When he came home from his 9-5, I was still running around and planned a night in bed with my laptop. He called and text constantly throughout the day. I must sound terrible, but I just didn't have the time. I think we weren't a good match or maybe I still have a lot to learn. I know life is not just all work and no play. I know I've got to make time for myself. I think maybe I just wasn't ready. I think we all make time for what we want to make time for and I think he just wasn't for me.

    This co-dependency thing really gets me sometimes. I've been fighting for the past couple years to me more aware, to be mindful, to change. Sometimes, I am very hard on myself because I just don't know if I am doing enough to heal myself. I know I get carried away sometimes. Sitting with myself, like I am right now, helps. Need to do this more often. Those of you who have followed along, know I went from a relationship where I was basically a caretaker for 2 children that weren't mine, toxic relationship with their father, just an overall yucky codependent situation. Now I am alone, but I do a great deal of work for my parents and our family business. I find myself dabbling in the same kind of codependency sometimes with my parents and them with me. I've struggled to make a life of my own and to this day I am still fighting to live a healthy life of my own. I'm determined to do so and I won't stop trying to educate and heal myself until I do so.

    I've come a long way and I am so grateful for the journey. I can't imagine living the same way I was before learning all of this about myself. Sometimes I wonder why it took me so long. I wasted so much time, went through alot of pain. I think my only fear now is that I am overprotecting myself. I fear that I am not actually "living". I'm not sure how to get myself out of that, but I push myself everyday.

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  6. #2065
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ksol9
    Iím still here!!

    I donít visit the site as often anymore, but for some reason I woke up this morning and I thought I should do something just for me (and my dog) today and it also crossed my mind that I should ask here what others do on days when you just want to do what YOU want to do! I want to take my dog to this new park the city opened. Itís located on the bay. Iím in FL, so the weather is just amazing right now. I can get some exercise in and my dog can play. I know it sounds silly, but what do I really do for myself? Iím always working, doing things for my family, and thinking about others. So much so that I rarely ever do something for myself. Trying to be a little more conscious about this codependency thing.

    What are some things you can do just for YOU? Iíll be back a little later to update on whatís been going on in my life!
    When I was single and my friends were either coupled or busy and I had some `me' time, I'd think back to something I read once `date yourself!'

    What do you enjoy doing on a date and do that for yourself.

    I might have gotten up and drove to a local hiking spot. Afterwords, treated myself to nice lunch and from there get a pedicure or a massage.

    I had gotten accustomed to going to the movies alone. After all, it's not like you are visiting with the person you go the movies with, right?

    I'd cook myself a special dinner, open some wine and watch a movie.

    I got to liking my `me' time so much, now more than 2 years into a relationship, I fondly miss it.

  7. #2066
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    When I was single and my friends were either coupled or busy and I had some `me' time, I'd think back to something I read once `date yourself!'

    What do you enjoy doing on a date and do that for yourself.

    I might have gotten up and drove to a local hiking spot. Afterwords, treated myself to nice lunch and from there get a pedicure or a massage.

    I had gotten accustomed to going to the movies alone. After all, it's not like you are visiting with the person you go the movies with, right?

    I'd cook myself a special dinner, open some wine and watch a movie.

    I got to liking my `me' time so much, now more than 2 years into a relationship, I fondly miss it.
    Ahh yes, self care at itís finest. I like that saying...Ēdate yourself!Ē

    I really do enjoy being alone. I think Iíve posted about this before. Iíve gotten so comfortable being alone that sometimes I think I may be too comfortable. I value my time alone and I think I should start doing things for myself like you mentioned above. Somewhere along the way, I got too carried away with work. Not healthy.

  8. #2067
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    I read in an article somewhere and the bells that went off in my head were louder than loud. For some reason this article spoke to me so clearly and the words were put in perfect order.

    ďWe expect from others what we are not giving ourselves.Ē Why didnít I realize this before?? I still have a hard time understanding why I put myself through so much grief in relationships. Why couldnít I see through my own codependency? How in the world could I think some of my habits were normal?

    My ex...yes, the ex I wrote about in this very journal, showed up at my workplace a couple days ago. Can you believe that? We split over 2 years ago. I donít have any feelings for him. I mean not even anything in between. All this time Iíve told myself I just needed to stay away from him. That eventually Iíd be strong enough to forget about him. And I did. I did become strong enough to move on with my life. I didnít forget about him, but I just moved on. He wanted to know if Iíd go out to dinner with him. I declined. I didnít react or overreact. I just treated him like a normal person. Like someone I used to know. Iíve put it all behind me. Iím not angry or sad or anything. Just indifferent I guess. He taught me a lot. That relationship taught me a lot, so Iím grateful for it I guess. We spoke a little outside. Casual conversation about life.

    Im not the same person I was and Iím smart enough to know he is probably just making rounds. Iím almost certain not much has changed in his world and honestly I really donít care.

    Funny how things happen. I know I have to be mindful of what that could mean by him stopping by and Iím totally aware. If he believes he can fool me or pull me back in somehow, heís got a rude awakening coming.

    Thanksgiving is approaching. Love this time of year. Counting down the days until I leave to visit my sister for a week. In need of a little break.

  9. #2068
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    WoW! Him coming back after 2 years...just shows to me....what an AWESOME person you are! He's realizing it and will be kicking himself in the pants from here to eternity! So glad he's just a flea that jumped on your arm....and you flicked it back off! (hugs)

  10. #2069
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    Originally Posted by Realitynut
    WoW! Him coming back after 2 years...just shows to me....what an AWESOME person you are! He's realizing it and will be kicking himself in the pants from here to eternity! So glad he's just a flea that jumped on your arm....and you flicked it back off! (hugs)
    Thanks Realitynut. I do think Iím awesome , but Iím not sure he thinks so. I think heís just doing what heís always done. When we were in a relationship and even afterwards, I saw him reconnect with women from his past (on social media). Iíve seen him circulate repeatedly with the same women. Iím just one of them. I donít know what heís up to these days because I have not checked up on him in a long while, but I can make a solid guess that he hasnít changed much. Hate to be so negative, but this is what he has taught me about himself.

    Another weird thing happened yesterday. I received a text message from his daughter. She said theyíve been trying to contact him for 3 days and have not heard from him. She asked if I could check on him. The children still live with their mother in a different state. I didnít respond. Iím assuming he told them he saw me because why would she think after all this time I have contact with her father? I donít want to be involved.

    Iím so protective of my energy these days. I just closed myself off this entire weekend. I got a lot of rest. I canít wait to visit my sister. Iím planning to leave on Tuesday. If I could leave today, I would. Work has been very stressful and I think Iím at my capacity. I need a break.

  11. #2070
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    One of my exes contacted me a few years ago a d wanted to meet. Our breakup wasn't a bad one (he had lots of personal issues and didn't feel.the way he should about me) so I did meet him. He promptly told a lot of people who knew the both of us that we were "hanging out " together. He even called his former roommate while I was at the ATM machine to say "guess who I'm with right now??!!"

    So maybe your ex told his daughter he spent time with you. He seems like he's the type to brag like that.

    But as you said, it's irrelevant. You do not share any part of your life with him anymore and for good reason.

    Enjoy your time with your family!


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