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Thread: Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

  1. #11
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    I have been thinking of calling him, but I'm putting a lot of thought into it before doing so. It wouldn't be for another few weeks. At the same time, I feel I just need to sit tight.
    Do put a lot of thought into it first. If you reach out and he doesn't respond in a positive way, it will set you way back. I would suggest waiting until you feel strong enough that you can deal with any outcome. I've reached out many times in the past (with current guy long ago, and guys in the past) and the times I was most okay doing so was when I felt like I just needed to get some things off my chest, no matter what outcome it produced. I would just say how I felt, and then let the chips fall where they may. And I felt that I had at least tried, and had said my piece. But if you know that reaching out and potentially not getting a reply will devastate you, it's best to wait until you're in a better place mentally/emotionally.

    I realize that he is still on my mind regardless of my efforts to move on
    This is normal. We can't force someone out of our hearts and minds. You know that saying, "What you resist persists." It just takes time. Some people will tell you to move on already, but be gentle with yourself and move along your own timeline.

    I don't know what to do, but I hope with every last bone in my body he will turn this whole thing around. I need to be sure he wants this as much as I do before I make any decisions.
    I hope for you that he does too! He's the one who gave up, so he needs to be the one to fix things. You will meet him halfway, but like you said, he needs to show that he wants this.

    Do you think you are able to be so stubborn and prideful because you KNOW he would eventually call? Maybe you know you can ignore calls and not pursue him because you know he would eventually reach out.
    Yes, that's one of the reasons I'm able to be so stubborn; I do feel that he will eventually reach out. But I also spend a lot of time convincing myself that if he doesn't, then it's for the best. He's done things that have hurt me, and I focus on those when we're on the outs. I make lists of all the reasons I would be better off without him, and all the ways things could go wrong if I'm back with him. I only do this while we're in periods of NC; there's no need to do it while we're fine and happy, such as we currently are. My goal with the lists and focusing on the bad stuff is to try to be at least somewhat at peace with whatever happens... so that if he doesn't contact me, at least part of me can say it was for the best, if that makes sense. It's a total mind-trick, I guess. We believe those things that we repeat most to ourselves. This helps keep me stubborn.

    In my case, I let go of the rope and he kept walking the opposite direction. It's been 4 weeks since my last contact..complete NC...and he still hasn't contacted me. I wonder if I'm in denial.
    There have been two periods of time with mine where I thought okay, we're finally done forever, he's not going to call. The first was about a year ago, before we ever became exclusive and actually called it a relationship. I found out he was messing with other girls. I got mad and upset and told him to never call me again, and I walked out. We were three weeks complete NC, not a peep from either one of us. Then he called one night out of the blue and said he realized he only wanted me, that he was sorry, that he would do what it took to make it work. I gave him the chance, and we then became exclusive and moved the relationship forward. But it took those three weeks of silence for this to happen.

    The second time was when he moved away five-six months ago. Neither of us wanted to try long-distance. I wanted to move there with him, he didn't want that. He had a whole new world, new town, new job, new life. I said I couldn't talk to him anymore if we weren't in a relationship. So we went six whole weeks of complete NC. Then he called one night out of the blue, said he loved and missed me, wanted me to eventually move there, and we've been back on (with a couple little offs when I get upset about things) for the past almost four months. So it took those six weeks for him to come to the realization that he missed me so much. It takes guys longer. So while I know that four weeks feels like an eternity and seems like all hope is lost, it could still turn around.

  2. #12
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    I didn't have to think long before I realized I am no where ready to contact him. That was my emotions thinking again.

    Lastlove76, you hit the nail on the head. He is the one who gave up. He has to come forward. I know reconciliation takes 2 willing parties. He was distancing himself a couple weeks before the break up. I brought up not wanting to waste my time because I needed to think about having children. All of these things made him feel pressured, I'm sure. He is single and so I do know that if he is thinking about me, he will need some time to think about that kind of commitment. It would not be wise for me to rush him. 4 weeks does feel like a long time. We broke up 7 weeks ago and it feels like ages since I've seen him. I miss him and the children so very much. My only hope is that he is taking the time to rethink everything. I understand that sometimes people need to break up in order to re-evaluate everything before coming back. At the same time, I may just be holding on to false hope. He may have made his decision final in his mind and is sticking to it. He probably knows that these things take time and life goes on. Who knows? Time will tell I guess. It is very easy for me to feel discouraged and hopeless because of the amount of time that has passed with NC. I just have to leave it in God's hands, but knowing him and his stubborn nature, he will stick to his guns.

    We had minor breaks throughout the relationship. The longest we were apart was almost 2 weeks with NC. I was the one to make contact and he kept telling me we will work together to make things right. Only problem was, we weren't apart long enough for me to identify the problems and then when I did come back there was little to no communication about the issue. Nothing was ever resolved. This was bound to happen. Nothing was going to change until this happened. He told me that the day of the break up. He also told me that he just wanted to be alone for a while. He is a little more experienced than me in relationships and sometimes it crosses my mind that he knew we needed a break in order to become stronger and that he would contact me when he is ready, but that is wishful thinking. I guess I'm trying to make myself feel better some way some how.

    The more I evaluate everything that happened, I realize he must have felt smothered and pressured by me. He needs space and time. There's no way I will be able to convince him to give things another go with me. He has to do that on his own and I have to allow him the time. Hopefully he will reconsider and will let me know. If he has a heart and isn't a heartless psycho, I know he thinks of me....maybe not like I miss him and think of him often, but I do believe we had something special and a connection like that is not easily forgotten. I am not going to wait, but I have hope and faith that he will turn this around. Ultimately, it is up to him. I have to move on with my life and God knows I am trying my best.
    Last edited by Ksol9; 04-09-2016 at 10:11 PM.

  3. #13
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    I'm having a difficult night. I was pretty calm and did my best to stay centered on my healing for the entire week. Fell flat on face tonight. I feel like I am exhausting myself holding onto something that may or may not ever happen. In all reality, who am I trying to fool? It's not likely that he will change his mind. He's not the type of person to dwell in confusion over things. He made it clear that now that he has custody of his two children, he has to think about raising them and is not thinking about adding a new baby to the mix. I didn't even have time to explain my views on having children. He explained that I deserve to be happy and I deserve a fair shot at that. Why would he contact me to say he changed his mind? The more time goes by, the easier it is to live without someone. You get used to them not being around. You might miss them, but you realize that you don't depend on them and will be just fine without them.

    It's not that I am adamant on having children. I would like to have an opportunity if my circumstances are right, but I would much rather be with a man that I love and let God do the rest. That is my goal. If it is meant for me to have children then fine, if not, I am ok with that as well. I don't think the other problems we were having weren't fixable. We failed miserably in communicating. Looking at things from his perspective, it's much easier to walk away. It's too overwhelming for him. Along with all the arguments, it's just a wiser decision for him to move on without me.

    The sooner I let go of the false hope, the better. He was posting pictures of flowers he sent me, he posted songs about break ups and forgiveness, he drove past my job a few times, and sent a text stating he has been thinking about me alot....that is most likely his way of accepting and letting go. That in no way means he is contemplating his decision and I highly doubt he is waiting for me to initiate contact. If I really look at things from a logical perspective....he isn't coming back.


    Sorry for the rant, I'm just trying to convince myself to stand up straight and to look forward.

  4. #14
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    Hi again. I'm sorry you're having such a rough night. I think you have a really good head on your shoulders, and you're doing the very best you can under the given circumstances. Yes you're upset, but who wouldn't be? You're still being strong, so be proud of yourself for that. Worst case scenario, if he never comes back, you're at least learning a lot about yourself and relationships through all this and can use that in your next one.

    There's a book called Make Up, Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. I read it 15 years ago while I was in a different relationship. From what I remember, it basically talks about what you said in your last posts - that sometimes couples need to break up for a while to figure things out, and then come back together in a healthier way. It goes into great detail about all of it, but it's been so long since I've read it that I can't really give a good synopsis. Seems like something that might be super helpful in your situation, so maybe you could read it.

    Do you think that the main cause of this break up was the children issue? It doesn't sound to me like you put too much pressure on him. I know you feel like you did. But as women, we are conditioned to feel that just about anything at all is too much pressure! It shouldn't be like that. We should be able to talk about things without guys running scared. Sure, there IS such a thing as too much pressure, but it doesn't sound like you crossed that line. And if you did, then goodness, you were just being a woman. We always want to know where things stand and where things are going. It's what we do! We almost can't help it, because it's just the way we're biologically geared. So don't be too hard on yourself about that. If you feel you went too far, you'll know what to do better next time (with him or the next guy).

    Everything I've read says maintain NC. And it's worked with me many times. But just as an option, if you reach the point of being ready to move on and can honestly say whatever happens will happen (like I said in my last post about not contacting him until you can handle any outcome), then perhaps you could write him a letter and just explain your side of things. You didn't get to explain where you stand about having children. So you could explain it, and then leave it. Give him time to think about it. Sometimes guys will hear us say something, and then they immediately turn it into something bigger and pressure their own selves. He could have convinced himself that you definitely want kids, and he doesn't know if he's ready for that, so he didn't want to hold you back. Like you said, who knows what he's thinking. But maybe he scared himself off, rather than you scaring him off.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by lostlove76
    Hi again. I'm sorry you're having such a rough night. I think you have a really good head on your shoulders, and you're doing the very best you can under the given circumstances. Yes you're upset, but who wouldn't be? You're still being strong, so be proud of yourself for that. Worst case scenario, if he never comes back, you're at least learning a lot about yourself and relationships through all this and can use that in your next one.

    There's a book called Make Up, Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. I read it 15 years ago while I was in a different relationship. From what I remember, it basically talks about what you said in your last posts - that sometimes couples need to break up for a while to figure things out, and then come back together in a healthier way. It goes into great detail about all of it, but it's been so long since I've read it that I can't really give a good synopsis. Seems like something that might be super helpful in your situation, so maybe you could read it.

    Do you think that the main cause of this break up was the children issue? It doesn't sound to me like you put too much pressure on him. I know you feel like you did. But as women, we are conditioned to feel that just about anything at all is too much pressure! It shouldn't be like that. We should be able to talk about things without guys running scared. Sure, there IS such a thing as too much pressure, but it doesn't sound like you crossed that line. And if you did, then goodness, you were just being a woman. We always want to know where things stand and where things are going. It's what we do! We almost can't help it, because it's just the way we're biologically geared. So don't be too hard on yourself about that. If you feel you went too far, you'll know what to do better next time (with him or the next guy).

    Everything I've read says maintain NC. And it's worked with me many times. But just as an option, if you reach the point of being ready to move on and can honestly say whatever happens will happen (like I said in my last post about not contacting him until you can handle any outcome), then perhaps you could write him a letter and just explain your side of things. You didn't get to explain where you stand about having children. So you could explain it, and then leave it. Give him time to think about it. Sometimes guys will hear us say something, and then they immediately turn it into something bigger and pressure their own selves. He could have convinced himself that you definitely want kids, and he doesn't know if he's ready for that, so he didn't want to hold you back. Like you said, who knows what he's thinking. But maybe he scared himself off, rather than you scaring him off.

    Thanks so much for your input. It's greatly appreciated.

    I'm laying awake and its 6 am. I'm tired but wide awake. He still haunts me in my dreams. I do too much thinking. It's almost a burden to me to be thinking of him this much..even in my sleep for pete's sake. I'm tired of walking around with this black cloud hovering over me.

    I don't think the main cause of the breakup was the children issue. I walked into the relationship with a negative mindset and I don't think I ever let that go. I didn't allow my brain and heart to walk together. I kept telling myself, this is too good to be true. He's a really great person. I see that now. No one is perfect. He didn't treat me badly at all. I tried to convince myself that he didn't truly love me..that there was some hidden agenda. Towards the end that mentality and attitude began to effect him. To the point our intimacy suffered. I was hearing him, but I wasn't listening. There was no way I was going to change and we wouldn't have been able to work together because we weren't communicating. This was the only option for change. I pressured him and as you said, he most likely scared himself off. I understand why. He thought it was for the best...for everyone. He put some deep thought into his decision maybe for a couple weeks at the most. That is why I don't feel he will go back on that decision. He is a very strong willed man and he takes matters like this seriously because it doesn't just effect him and I...the children as well. I'm breaking inside with the thought of this. I'm heart is reaching out to him because I know we can conquer this. Hindsight truly is 20/20 and if I never get him back, I know I will regret my behavior for the rest of my life. Not just saying that...I screwed this one up...royally.

    It's important that I keep NC. I will get myself into big trouble if I don't...for a number of reasons. I have to fight through this. I get so jealous when I see others posting their NC success stories. Hopefully one day I can post about our reconciliation. I have faith he will contact me. For right now, I'm in a silent hell.

    On a side note, I checked my email a couple hours ago. His daughter placed another Amazon order for a shoelace bracelet. She used to make these all the time for us. I have one on my nightstand. She's such a crafty child, but she's 13 so lately all she cared about was her cell phone and Instagram. Miss her to pieces.

  7. #16
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    I don't know what happened or what triggered this, but I woke up feeling so strange. Almost like I did within the first few weeks of the breakup. I don't know what set me back like this. All of a sudden the reality of my situation just hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like my mind was probably caught up with all the indirect messages I was interpreting through his facebook posts, all the reading I'm doing online about getting back together, and just hoping and praying he will come back. Truth be told, I think I've been doing that to cope or make this process a little easier. I haven't heard from him in a long time and I think him ignoring me is his way of moving on. He doesn't want to give me false hope and it's his way of healing...cold turkey. I'm so hurt he could do something like that to me...very hurt.

    I wish I never met him. How could I have been so foolish to put all my cards on the table? So many things are running through my mind. Maybe he never loved me? Maybe he still had deeply buried feelings for his ex (the children's mother)? Regarding the children's mother...they were together for many years. She cheated on him with a series of partners and it resulted with her entering a lesbian relationship in which she is still in and has been for 2 years now. They have been divorced for 5 years. There has been no indication from her that she would reconcile with him, but sometimes I wonder if he feels that this is just something she is exploring and may eventually decide she is not lesbian. Maybe that is just my fears. I came up with that on my own. She seems to have a lot of anger and resentment for him for some reason. He on the other hand seems to be bitter and hurt by what she has done....especially that she left him for a woman. I don't understand what he felt about it. I mean we spoke about it often, but he didn't really express his feelings. It could just be that I'm not familiar with divorce and things like that. He was never in a serious relationship after they divorced. I was the first serious relationship and he led me believe it was real and true. There wasn't anything that happened that should make me question if he still has feeling for her. He just seemed a little curious about what was going on in her life. I guess because he wanted to prepare himself in the event she wanted to come back for her children. I let all those things manifest in my mind and I never communicated it to him so it grew into major doubt. Again, communication was key.

    When I met him, the connection and chemistry was instant. I'm sitting here wondering if it was all a sham. Maybe I was right all along about the doubts. I'm just really hurt and it's sort of a motivation to continue moving on. I don't think I could handle anymore rejection and I don't think I would put myself in that position ever again. It's so important for me to pay attention to his actions. He has chosen to shut me out. I shouldn't question if he still has feelings for me. As it looks at this moment, he doesn't have any feelings for me at all. He doesn't want anything to do with me. I have these memories of this life I shared with him and I feel like it didn't exist. It's hard for me to be positive when I feel so negatively about everything.

    It's not healthy for me to be hanging on to false hope that I will magically hear from him out of no where. He is not a communicative person. He is someone who sits back and allows life to happen. He is not proactive. He believes that everything that happens, happens for a reason and what is meant to happen with happen. That's his attitude about life and that is why I've always been the one to pursue, to fix. Of course he pursued me when we first met and even throughout the relationship he was very attentive and interested...he was always calling me and so forth, but when dealing with conflict, he would clock out. He has clocked out permanently and he's gone. I have to move on and I HAVE to change my outlook on this. I feel like I haven't been very realistic...like I'm in the twilight zone. No one is suffering in the way that I'm suffering. He is living his life. He's not effected by this like I am. I don't know what he is feeling, but I'm sure he isn't crying in the middle of the night like I have been. I'm completely devastated by this loss, but something has to come out of this. I have to find happiness again. These are the cards I've been dealt and I have to deal with it. I can't continue on like this much longer. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of thinking about him.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Ksol9
    I'm laying awake and its 6 am. I'm tired but wide awake. He still haunts me in my dreams. I do too much thinking. It's almost a burden to me to be thinking of him this much..even in my sleep for pete's sake. I'm tired of walking around with this black cloud hovering over me.
    I walked into the relationship with a negative mindset and I don't think I ever let that go. I didn't allow my brain and heart to walk together. I kept telling myself, this is too good to be true.
    I tried to convince myself that he didn't truly love me..that there was some hidden agenda.
    Hugs. You and I are very much alike. I do all these things, too. I've had a rough day myself (my thread is one big mess of it all today), and it helps a tiny bit to see that I'm not the only one who is this way. So I hope it helps you a little bit, too, to know that you're not alone. Our situations are totally different, and our guys are totally different, but you and I move through relationships in the same way it seems. It's hard. It's really really hard, I know this, so I feel for you.

    I see that you are blaming yourself almost entirely for this (something else I have a tendency to do). But he's the one who gave up and walked away. You've put deep thought into this, you've found where you went wrong, you're willing to learn and grow and change. Be proud of that. It takes a lot of insight. Perhaps he is unaware that you're doing these things. Maybe one day you can tell him, and you two can start fresh.

    But it's not only your fault - it takes two to communicate, and to stick things out and make it work.

    I get so jealous when I see others posting their NC success stories. Hopefully one day I can post about our reconciliation.
    You very well may be posting yours one day. I've told you a lot about my NC "success" in terms of him contacting me and wanting me back... but my whole relationship is dysfunctional, he is dysfunctional, I am dysfunctional, and we keep going through the same cycle. We may or may not be back to square one right now, hence my godawful day today. It's very unhealthy. At least with you, if you two get back together it will probably be more stable than it was previously, because you both sound mature and thoughtful.

    Hang in there. Don't be too hard on yourself! Be proud of yourself for your maturity and insight and strength.

    I'll read your second post and respond after dinner.

  9. #18
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    Hi again, just read your last post. I know how you're feeling, and you have my empathy.

    All these doubts you're having about his ex and other potential reasons the breakup occurred... It's just your mind trying to make sense of it all within the silence and lack of information. You don't know what he's thinking, so you're filling in the blanks. I do it too. You think of one thing and get stuck on it, and then something totally new occurs to you and you then get stuck on that. The not knowing is the worst, because you can come up with all sorts of scenarios.

    I don't know how to advise in moving on, because I've never been able to throughout the past almost two years of ups-and-downs and ons-and-offs with mine. I get close, and then he comes around again. I suppose it just takes time, and eventually you will get so tired of feeling bad that you gradually start allowing yourself to feel good again. I've been through break-ups in the past, and that's kind of what happened. I think it is when you give up hope and accept that it's over that the healing actually begins. I haven't been able to do that with mine, because I know he'll always come back. Many guys in my past came back, months or years later, but it was always after I had let go and moved on, and by then I really didn't care.

    It's a process. Don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong, and don't tell yourself that either. You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do.

    Regarding all the reading online... I've been doing this throughout the entirety of my relationship. In some ways it helps, because it occupies your mind and gives you hope when you want it, and you do learn a lot about relationships and about men and about yourself. But it can also be detrimental, because you end up reading a lot of negative things. Your mind can become clouded by reading the same things over and over, and you start to believe it and expect the worst. It keeps you hanging on instead of letting go. And it can almost become an addiction, as you keep searching and searching for those elusive success stories.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by lostlove76
    Hugs. You and I are very much alike. I do all these things, too. I've had a rough day myself (my thread is one big mess of it all today), and it helps a tiny bit to see that I'm not the only one who is this way. So I hope it helps you a little bit, too, to know that you're not alone. Our situations are totally different, and our guys are totally different, but you and I move through relationships in the same way it seems. It's hard. It's really really hard, I know this, so I feel for you.

    I see that you are blaming yourself almost entirely for this (something else I have a tendency to do). But he's the one who gave up and walked away. You've put deep thought into this, you've found where you went wrong, you're willing to learn and grow and change. Be proud of that. It takes a lot of insight. Perhaps he is unaware that you're doing these things. Maybe one day you can tell him, and you two can start fresh.

    But it's not only your fault - it takes two to communicate, and to stick things out and make it work.


    You very well may be posting yours one day. I've told you a lot about my NC "success" in terms of him contacting me and wanting me back... but my whole relationship is dysfunctional, he is dysfunctional, I am dysfunctional, and we keep going through the same cycle. We may or may not be back to square one right now, hence my godawful day today. It's very unhealthy. At least with you, if you two get back together it will probably be more stable than it was previously, because you both sound mature and thoughtful.

    Hang in there. Don't be too hard on yourself! Be proud of yourself for your maturity and insight and strength.

    I'll read your second post and respond after dinner.

    Hi Lastlove76, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my posts. You offer me comfort and I'm grateful. I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time right now. I hope things are better for you today.

    This morning I woke up with anger. I know anger is part of the process but this is an anger that I haven't felt before and it's to a different degree. It is from a place of strength. I realize I may never be at peace with what happened between him and I. I'm angry that he is treating me like what we had never mattered. I feel like it was a total lie. If he wants nothing to do with me or is expecting me to peek my head in on him, then he can go where the sun doesn't shine. I'm worth so much more and this isn't a game. My heart is not a toy and you are right about everything you said, this was HIS choice. He chose to give up. He believes life is better without me. Well, I will give him that. That's how much I love him. Enough to give him what he wants and more. I've always went above and beyond to make sure HE is happy. If me not being in his life makes him happy, I'll give him that.

    I don't think this is a matter of him needing space and time. Too much time has passed. I think I keep telling myself he just needs time to figure things out just to make myself feel better. He already did the thinking he needed to do. He felt he gave me enough chances to sort myself out and now my time is up. He thinks he is better without me or with someone new....and maybe he is.

    I'm frustrated with myself. This was long over...2 months ago. How foolish am I to be thinking he is coming back? He's gone and I should live in the moment, not what could be or what could have been. I know you have said that I don't know what is going on in his mind and you are absolutely correct. I don't know. If he should ever come to the point where he wants to explore reconciliation, he will let me know. It is out of the question for me to contact him. I see that more and more everyday. I'm offended by the way he just threw what we had away. It's not about pride or self respect. This was HIS choice.

    I still hope and pray he will turn this around, but too much time has passed, so I don't see that happening. I need to find a way to get out of this rut that I'm in. He is living his life. He's happy and he's moving on. I need to do the same...I need to worry about my happiness.

    I know I just may be going through the motions. I know anytime I felt anger towards him, it wasn't long before I fell flat on my face. I had a breakdown shortly after. I hope that this anger sticks. I'm not very fond of him right now.

    Lastlove76, I hope you are well. Hang in there. Apart of me wishes I was in shoes in regards to your confidence in knowing he WILL contact you again. Take care of yourself.

  11. #20
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    Unbelievable!!

    He just sent a text. His text read, "hi how have you been?"

    I've read all over this forum that it seems they have some sort of radar or sixth sense. They can sense when you're about to slip away. My last post from this morning is proof of that. I'm just in shock at this moment.

    I haven't responded and I don't know how to respond. I'm afraid...very afraid. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't know what to think. I don't want to assume that he is contacting me about reconciliation when he's just asking how I'm doing. I am still very hurt by everything.

    I'm just at a loss right now. I'm not in a rush to respond. I'm going to think long and hard before responding. Lastlove76, I'm waiting for you to chime in.

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