Need help with relationship with alcoholic father

It's been a while since I posted here. I turned to this site years ago when I was going through a relationship breakup and found it very helpful. I find myself now in a situation where I have absolutely no control over and release and healing seems impossible.

My father is an alcoholic and has been since before I was born. There is a lot to say about this but I'm not going to go into too much detail. But my heart has been broken over the years with constant disappointment, shame, fear and resent. For the past couple of years I have deeply resented my father, to the point where I would say I hate him. He has repeatedly let me down, disregarded my feelings, embarrassed me in front of my fiance and I am so over it. He is a deeply troubled man. Yesterday he admitted himself to rehab. He had a three month stint two years ago (unsuccessful) and other previous attempts. The rest and hate I have for him is fading and the pity and heartache I feel for him is now strong.

He stayed up all night sunday drinking and my mother found him a broken wreck on monday morning. She convinced him to go to rehab, that he has no other choice and he agreed. I went over there to find him sobbing, saying he is full of fear and sorry for everything he has done to us. Full of self pity and self loathing, and my heart went out to him. How awful it must feel. He walked into that centre in tears and I feel so sorry for him. My mum proceeded to tell me for the first he had been sexually abused when he was 8 or 9. I have to say it was devastating to hear but not a total shock.

I am just in a whirlwind of emotions. The hate I have for my father is so deep that I wince when he enters a room. Our relationship is so damaged I can't even have a conversation with him. He is so depressed and his quality of life so poor, I just don't know how to help him. My fiance says I need to make more effort with him but I am so frustrated and done with helping someone who seems to not want to be helped.

All I can think of is that my father is a good man, but completely ruined by alcohol. This thread doesn;t make much sense but if anyone has been in a similar position or who understands what I'm going through I would love some words of encouragement or advice..

Thank you

Springs

I live by this.......family or not, applies to all people/relationships I have in my life.

"If a person is not a positive or healthy influence, doesn't work hard to be the best person they can be and doesn't work hard to push me to be the best person I can be, they are simply not worth being around."

Thanks for your reply . I have had that opinion too but this is my father, who through no fault of his own was sexually abused as a child and developed an addiction. He is not a bad man, and he has suffered greatly throughout his life. I mean I have suffered too because of his actions and I am so conflicted as I want to help him but I am so resentful that I know my pull is never as strong as a can of beer. I am at a loss.

Thanks for your reply . I have had that opinion too but this is my father,

I don't care if it's your father or your son. It's irrelevant.

who through no fault of his own was sexually abused as a child and developed an addiction.

Look, I'm sorry to hear about his past but his way of dealing with issues is quite unhealthy and toxic. Not just to you but your mom, your fiance and in the future....your children.

He is not a bad man,

This is the 2nd time you said this. Can you give us an example of him being a good man or "not a bad man"?

and he has suffered greatly throughout his life. I mean I have suffered too because of his actions and I am so conflicted as I want to help him but I am so resentful that I know my pull is never as strong as a can of beer. I am at a loss.

EVERY SINGLE LIVING PERSON ON THIS PLANET suffers greatly. Trust me. EVERYONE is in the midst of a struggle.

Learn and accept that people are not here to be helped. You can't help ANYONE that's unable to help themselves.

Time to start accepting and finally recognize your father for who he is. He is not changing. If and when he does, you will know. Until that time, I would highly suggest that you disengage from this toxic person.

Remember, we become what we are around. And don't think you don't have his habits or are not like him either.....you are.

Focus on recognizing those habits you picked up from your father and fixing them for yourself....currently by remaining/engaging with him, you will continue the suffering you endured already (matter a fact, it will only get worse!)

Don't you think addicts are victims too? He didn't choose this and he has an illness. I have of course contemplated cutting him out of my life but at the end of the day I love him and want him to be safe. If I could just walk away that would be easy. I wouldn't have to put up with the grief and pain anymore if I didn't care. But I do care and that's the hard part

Don't you think addicts are victims too?

You can't be a victim as an adult (not unless you are raped at a gun point or something similar).

Your father is NOT a victim of addiction. He simply has made some extremely poor choices in his life.

He might have been a victim as a child, but that's about it.

He didn't choose this and he has an illness. I have of course contemplated cutting him out of my life but at the end of the day I love him and want him to be safe. If I could just walk away that would be easy. I wouldn't have to put up with the grief and pain anymore if I didn't care. But I do care and that's the hard part

You are thinking with your heart and emotion.....not reason.

Be careful. Do your thinking with your brain, ti's the only part of you body that should be thinking.

I'm sorry

I'm not a robot to just be able to shut off emotion. That's why I came here. And to tell me he isn't a victim when he had suffered child sexual abuse and battles depression and alcohol addiction (a medical condition)every day of his life, is extremely disrespectful and hurtful. I appreciate you have your opinion but be careful what you say to people who are hurting!

Have you been to Al-Anon? They are set up to help you with your relationships with alcoholics and can of great use. I think you need to start there -- because the source of your anger is that you are still expecting him to be something he is not and is never going to be. I understand that you don' t want to give up on him entirely, but you have to find a way to 1) not expect things of him that he is fundamentally unable to give and 2) set up healthy boundaries so that while some relationship may be maintained it does not interfere with you living your life to the fullest.

I am sorry you are in such a difficult position. But you cannot get out of it alone. You also might try finding a therapist who deals with children of alcoholics -- they are specially trained and understand the position you are in.

Arjumand is on the money. If you're going to allow him to stay in your life, you need a strong Team You to support you when he does something that hurts.

And in the times where you don't have the reserves of strength to support him, it's ok to disengage for a while. Ultimately, if someone is stepping on your foot and that hurts, it doesn't matter why they're stepping on it, but they do need to get off (or you need to get your foot out from under them). That is what your father is doing when he chooses beer over you. Doesn't have to be his fault to hurt.

Springs.

Just a couple of things to look at:

Childhood abuse can destroy a person. My husband drank himself to death when he was 35. It was devastating.

Al-anon was not for me but I did try to live by their basic principles.

You and your mom would benefit greatly from therapy - I've been through it several times and it seems to have stuck this last time.

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. *hugs*