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Broke up with commitment-phobe (again)... Did I do the right thing?


lostlove76

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Hi all! I've been reading threads here for ages, but this is my first post. I'm not really sure where to start, or how to keep it short, but I will try!

 

I'm deeply in love with my on/off (currently off) ex/boyfriend. We met mid-summer 2014 and clicked right away, but it has been a rocky road due to his commitment-phobic ways and my defensive reactions to it. During the first nine months or so, he would claim to love me but said we were just "friends." I found out he was seeing others, and I angrily dropped him and went NC. He came back three weeks later and said he didn't care about anyone else and only wanted me. We became exclusive at that point, and steadily progressed into calling it a relationship and bf/gf. Over the next six months, we spent just about every other evening/night together and had the best time and got so very close. Then he moved four hours away for a job in Oct 2015, which just about killed me. We broke up and went NC for six weeks, and then he called and said he wanted me to move there. For the past three months, we were talking on the phone every other night for up to five hours at a time, talking about me moving there and how much we love each other. He goes on and on about how he's never been this in love, how much I mean to him, how I'm his best friend, etc etc. Very strong feelings on both our parts.

 

I got fed up and broke up with him a couple weeks ago because of recurring issues, and I'm doubting whether I did the right thing. I miss him terribly and love him with my entire heart and soul. I've never connected with someone so well. And when he's telling me how he feels, I feel that he means it. HOWEVER, there are a few big issues:

 

1. Lapses in communication: the whole time I've known him, he will periodically go MIA for days at a time and not call. I never call him, I always let him initiate (bc when I've initiated in the past and he was in an off mood, he reacted coldly or didn't respond and it hurt my feelings, so I quit doing it). So when he doesn't call, we don't talk, and I become filled with worry and confusion about what could be wrong, if he's cheating, if he quit loving me, if he's playing mind games to see if I'll call him. He's never told me a reason other than he doesn't know or likes to be alone sometimes.

2. He keeps telling me he'll come get me to live there with him, but it never happens. He's a big talker with little action. But when he's telling me he's coming, I know he believes it while he's saying it. Then he doesn't follow through, and I'm sure it's bc he's scared of living together. I can't afford my own place.

3. I simply don't trust him not to cheat. He's cheated in all past relationships, he was seeing others before we became exclusive (but I wasn't aware that he was), and he's a big flirt. I know he's on dating sites. I called him out on it about the one site I saw him on and he immediately quit getting on there, but I'm sure he has others.

 

So a couple weeks ago, when he yet again went for almost a week of not calling, I decided not to be here when he got back and just not answer the phone. He called and called and called every other night for a week (he never breaks the every other day pattern), and I just texted replies that I was done. I was quite harsh, and I feel bad about it, but I was SO hurt and so fed up. I've told him a million times how it makes me feel when he quits calling; he apologizes and listens to me vent for as long as I need and seems to understand, and assures me how much he loves me. But then he does it again!!! I did answer one time and started grilling him about whether he's met anyone offline, and he was being evasive and confusing so I took that to mean that he has recently, although I don't know for sure.

 

We're both in our late 30's. He said he's never loved anyone before me. I know he did the repeated disappearing acts with at least one other girlfriend, and he said he's always been like this but doesn't know why. He's highly independent. He's alluded to something happening in his past but wouldn't tell me what it was. He's a highly functioning alcoholic, which doesn't bother me (I know it should), because he's the most lovable alcoholic you'll ever meet. He has so many amazing qualities that I love and admire. When he's with me, he's WITH me, full on attention and love. It's these off times when he pulls away that REALLY gets to me, and I just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

But I'm doubting myself. Did I give up too soon?? Did I expect too much? He made so much progress in getting close to me, but he always messes things up by taking steps back and it devastates me every time. After I wouldn't talk to him when he was trying so many times to call, he finally quit and it's now been a week since I've heard from him. Did I do the right thing? I've broken up with him many many times over the above issues, but always take him back. This time felt more final.

 

Sorry that was so long!! I appreciate anyone who took the time to read it.

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1. Nothing like walking on eggshells to make you feel complete in a relationship. Not

2. All words, no action

3. Cheater and liar

3. Alcoholic. Why you think this is OK, is beyond me

 

When someone loves you, they do not disappear on you, they want to be in daily contact. He also knows how you feel, but does not care enough to reach out. If it doesn't work after the second try, then there is a reason. He did not come far, as he is still disrespecting you, and treating you as he always has.

 

This should have been over lonnnnnnnnnnnng ago. This guy is incapable of maintaining a healthy, normal relationship, but you know this. Don't waste another 1.5 years on this guy. He has clearly shown, again and again that you cannot count on, or trust him.

 

Lastly, value yourself more.

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Thanks holly. I know you're right. I guess what trips me up is the fact that since he really HAS made a lot of progress and gotten so much closer, I just wonder if over time he would overcome these issues and be more consistent. When I called it off a year ago, he came back 3x more committed than before (though it still wasn't perfect, obviously). He's closer to me than anyone else in his life, by far.

 

I fear that it's all about perspective, and that's why I'm asking for opinions. When I'm thinking negatively (during the off times), I think he's an a** who doesn't care about me, he's selfish, he's unwilling to commit, etc. But when we're talking regularly, I KNOW he loves me and that I mean the world to him, and I feel he just has major emotional issues but is trying and slowly overcoming some of them. So I get really really confused.

 

I feel guilty, too, because I say some really harsh things and go cold and angry on him after he hasn't called for days.

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But, he hasn't made progress, or he wouldn't have been on sites, ghosting you etc.. Hon, you are living in denial with this guy. Plus, if he had changed so much, you would still be together.

 

Stop making excuses for this guy. I would also address your own unavailability. If you were emotionally available, you would have bailed on this guy long ago, you would never have continued to put up with crap, as you would want someone that wanted you, and would not continue to disrespect you.

 

If he were in love and wanted a healthy relationship, this nonsense would have ended long ago. He is willing to lose you. He has not changed.

 

I suggest you revisit the list I broke down from your thread, as any one of those issues, is a reason to end things, yet you seem to be OK with the entire list. You don't seem to want or expect much from people. This is sad. Do your friends and parents think that he treats you well?

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I've been your route and it sucks. Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. Unless you like having years of your life wasted like I did then as much as you miss him now, realize you dodged a serious bullet. And a relationship that was not working for you.

 

Sorry, I know it's hard but you won't get the time back you spent and he will never change. Your relationship such as it was, is set in stone as a pattern of conduct. My ex still insists I'm the love of his life. I'm sure to him in his grandiose state of mind I am. It's just that apparently to him loving me was never enough, he had to cheat and periodically do a disappearing act on me.

 

That's the kind of love I can do without. So you can you. Find someone better like I did. I'm long out of that relationship and happily married now to a great guy who knows how to communicate and have a relationship. Sadly I will never get the six years of my life back or the missed opportunities that I passed on because I was too tied up with an a$$hat.

 

Realize all breakups are hard, but if what you want is more of what he was doing to you then that's the only reason to go back. And going back will never change him, because why should it? You just keep coming back no matter what he does to you, which means his only effort will be trying to manipulate you when it suits him. And stop being upset that you stood up to him. Why do you think you shouldn't have chewed him out for disappearing on you???? Seriously, you know that's not normal right? A normal guy in love with you does not do that. No, not even after years of being together. Cripes even my father, whose relationship with my mother wasn't the healthiest, stayed in regular touch with her when he was out of town.

 

Never apologize for demanding someone treat you better and if they can't then let the door hit them in the butt on their way out. I'm sorry, but your fantasies this guy will ever be who he led you to believe he was in the beginning are just that, fantasies. This guy is exactly who he is, why put up with it? Love like that is not worth it. Block, delete, move on. Don't get suckered in when he shows back up from whoever else he was chasing to try and hoover you back.

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P.S. As to the whole "lovable" alcoholic thing, my dad was the sweetest most maudlin drunk alive. But it was still horrible to be around. So was apparently the drunk driver who killed my best friend.

 

There's nothing lovable about alcoholism. You just never got to see the aftermath of him losing jobs or killing someone by driving drunk. Or maybe that just hasn't happened...yet.

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LostLove, you are treating this as a challenge. A challenge for him to see the light. It is a loosing proposition. Realitynut, a poster on here, has a wonderful signature. I wish I could recall the exact wording, but it was to the effect that if he truly loves you he will not leave you to wonder and wander. I, too, have been with a commitment phobe. Total time investment, on and off, of course, was ten years. You are not going to win this one. Get this book, "Men Who Can't Love." The author is Steven Carter. You can get it on Amazon. It will explain everything you would want to know about commitment phobia. You will learn how anxiety plays into it. You will learn distancing techniques, like cheating with others, working to excess, playing to excess (golf) all are ways of throwing distance up. After I read the book I was just so...relieve​d It will set you free. You will just be annoyed with yourself that you wasted so much time on a worthless cause. Been there, done that......chi

 

P.S We say if a man identifies you as a priority, you will know it. He will not let you wonder or wander. (The exact signature that I was referring to.)

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Thanks so much, girls. I'm going to have to reread your words over and over for it to fully set in, because my expectations have become so lowered, and I feel like I've lost all perspective.

 

holly: I agree that I am emotionally unavailable, for sure. To answer your question, my friends and family waffle as much as I do about whether or not he treats me well (maybe based on what I myself am saying at any given time). They feel he has major issues but that he really does love me and has made progress. But they also feel this has all been very unhealthy for me and that I deserve better.

 

Paris: It seems you've been reading Baggage Reclaim I'm so sorry about your friend who was killed, and sorry that your dad was an alcoholic. I will admit that I'm naive when it comes to alcoholism.

 

chitown: I've read Men Who Can't Love... total lifesaver!!! It obviously didn't "cure" my addiction to this guy, but it helped me understand what's going on a bit better, and made me accept that it's not my fault. I agree with you that I see it as a challenge; I feel like we've made too much progress (I know I keep saying this, but we really really have in many ways) to give it up now.

 

p.s. Thanks for adding the wonder or wander quote... I need to write it down on post-it's and stick them all over the place to remind myself!!

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I feel like we've made too much progress (I know I keep saying this, but we really really have in many ways) to give it up now

 

If you keep thinking like this you will keep doing this](*,)](*,)](*,)](*,)

 

 

P.S. For some reason, it seems substance abuse is quite common with commitment phobes. I guess alcohol and/or drugs lessen their anxiety.

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For some reason, it seems substance abuse is quite common with commitment phobes. I guess alcohol and/or drugs lessen their anxiety.

 

Interesting observation, and it probably does have something to do with anxiety, or just escape from life in general. Mine said he drinks to escape reality. He's not just a commitment-phobe with me... he also changes jobs and locations every 6 months to a year. He's already tired of the job he moved for, but wants to stay in that location. He seems to have a lot of self-worth issues, and has told me before that he's "lost". I guess he is never fully satisfied with himself and his life, and drinking makes him happy.

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I'm feeling empty right now, because this is the time he would normally call and we would talk for hours. He won't call, because he tried for a week and I wouldn't talk to him, so he probably gave up. He called 30 times one night, 12 times two nights later, and 12 times two nights after that - and texted that he loves and misses me, while I was texting mean things about it being over. So he obviously wasn't wanting it to end

 

I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on this...

He is like two different people. Like I said, when he's with me (or talking to me) he is full-on with me. He says I'm the one for him, wants to be with me forever, has never loved anyone this much, we can't mess this up, he would be a fool to not come get me, he misses me every day, he's never ever missed anyone like this before. He listens to every word I say, he's kind, has never ever said a mean or critical word to me, he thanks me all the time for little things, apologizes over and over when I get upset with him, says he's an idiot for the things he's done (the pulling away). He's just so sweet and gentle and understanding and forgiving, and doesn't hold back on voicing his feelings.

 

But then there are the times when he pulls away, usually when everything has been perfect leading up to it. In the past when I've called or texted during these times, he's cold or doesn't answer. Days later, he's back to full-on. I've honestly wondered if he's bipolar or has aspergers or something, but neither seems to fit. So I guess it's the commitment-phobia, or maybe he's caving or rubberbanding to the extreme (from the Men are from Mars book). Anyone ever experienced anything like this?

 

ETA: oh, and just to add (sorry I'm typing so much!! just trying to fill an empty moment of missing him I guess)... I've "tested" his commitment a couple of times, and been surprised when he follows through. He impulsively let me look at his phone a couple times when he was living here, because I was worried (I know he could have deleted stuff, but there was nothing bad on it). Around the same time, I said something about putting us as in a relationship on fb, sure that he would freak out, but he calmly said okay and was fine with it, so we did it. Recently I said I knew he was on the dating site, and he didn't get on at all again from the moment I brought it up. This is what I mean by progress. I know he loves me, and at times it feels like I have him wrapped around my little finger. But then he eventually pulls away again.

 

I'm just sad, because there is SO much good with him. But I couldn't handle the off times and all the worrying and stress it was causing me.

 

Sorry again for typing so much. Thanks for reading/listening. I'm just sad, because I love him and miss him.

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What you think is "love" is actually an addiction. You're addicted to him. I know because I was in a very similar situation.

 

How has he changed or made progress? Is it through his words or actions? To me it seems he just says things that make him seem committed but his actions say otherwise.

 

He will not change. The dynamic of the relationship has been set and this is it. Stop wasting years of your life on a man that will never be in a real relationship with you. Run away. You will look back and realize it was the smartest thing you've ever done.

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I think it's time you accept him for who he is.

 

My ex was also a CP. he said all the crap you are telling us. But, it wasn't true, as he was not willing to make the full commitment, and let me go. These guys are full of crap, and will say anything to keep you in the place that allow them to be comfortable, all the while jerking you around. You MUST stop listening to his empty words and only follow his actions - this is when I finally woke up.

 

You know he has problems, and he knows he has problems. He will not change, unless he gets some serious therapy for all of his issues. He needs to do this on his own, and will take years. The guy is screwed up, you need to understand why you are attracted to "screwed up."

 

He didn't want it to end, but had no issues blowing you off for an entire week. Then, there is all the other stuff.

 

You had a life before this guy, you will have one after. Time to get off the hamster wheel!

 

You're fooling yourself.

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So true about words vs action. I could name some actions while he was living here that showed his love, but now that we're long-distance all we have is words. I guess calling every other night and wanting to talk for 5 hours at a time would be an action. Always being the initiator of contact would be an action. But there was a definite lack of action when it came to following through on his words about me moving there. And he KNEW how much it bothers me when he doesn't call for days, and he did it anyway. He would be consistent for a couple weeks and then pull back for days out of the blue. I couldn't handle it anymore.

 

I agree that I do have an addiction to him for sure (in addition to loving him. I really truly do love him). And not talking to him feels like going through withdrawal.

 

Thanks for the support and the reality check. I feel like crying right now, and just about every day. I have shed gallons of tears because of this guy over the past year and a half. I guess love isn't supposed to cause so much pain, huh?

 

Today will be a week since he last tried to call. I just need to accept that it wasn't going to work, for 20 different reasons. I'm just as screwed up as he is, to be honest.

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No. Love does not involve crying for the entirety of the relationship. So unhealthy!

 

You can't chang him, but you can change you. Address your lack of self esteem and boundaries, as you need to get to the root of your commitment issues. Baggage Reclaim helped me understand a great deal sbout myself.

 

You also need to block this dude. It's over!

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I would like to know why you are with someone who has to change? Don't you see this as a problem?

 

Are usually attracted to chaotic, unhealthy relationships?

 

Yes, all my relationships have been chaotic and unhealthy. And the ones that weren't (with the more available guys), I made them so. I have huge trust issues.

 

With this particular guy, things were calm and stable and good the first six weeks we were together. We talked every single day, I never sensed he even cared about seeing other girls, I trusted him. Until I asked too early what we were and he said "friends" and my trust started slipping away until I ended things (because I figured better to be hurt earlier than later). Then I tried to fix it and get him back, and he wasn't having it, and it just turned into a big mess. It took a long long time to get back on track, but there was never daily communication again after that. I had no clue in the beginning that he had such deep issues, and he probably didn't sense my issues either.

 

Have you read about attachment theory? I feel anxious, but act avoidant most of the time. I took the online test and tested as fearful-avoidant. Pretty sure he's dismissive-avoidant. If you haven't read about it you won't know what that really means. It's interesting stuff, and I recommend anyone to do some reading about it.

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That was your first red flag....identifying your relationship as friends. If you only had 20/20 vision then. Well, you are going to be sad and missing him now because it is like a death. It is a death of relationship of sorts. Not the one you really want or need, but one you did have with this particular man. You will go through a grieving process. You need to keep your eye on the prize, which is a future man who does not have the issues that this man has. This man's issues are insurmountable. He is a ping pong ball. You do not need that. Stay strong

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Definitely a red flag when he called us "friends," especially since he had already said he loved me a couple of times by that point. Buuuut, we did eventually overcome that and he started calling me his girlfriend. Like I said, he came back 3x more committed after I walked away for three weeks a year ago.

 

I find myself hoping he'll .....

speak of the devil, he's calling right now. I'll let ya know what happens, not sure if I'm going to call him back yet or not.

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I don't really like the drama and chaos. It's destroying me. All I want is for him to step it up and be consistently the guy he is when he's being good. You're right that it's a distraction from my own issues, for sure. But aside from that, it's just so hard to let go. We've been through so much and things get really really good, and I hang onto the hope that it brings. I'm sure we've all said this at some point, but I've never connected with anyone this well in all my almost 4 decades of life. I really haven't; not anywhere close.

 

I called him back and it was a frustrating conversation that went nowhere. I spent two hours fussing at him and explaining how much it hurts, the things he does. And he apologized over and over and over again, kept telling me how much he loves and misses me, told me he's gonna come get me. I couldn't get a straight answer about if/when he's met other girls. I'm sure he was being purposely confusing, but he was also drunk, so it's hard to tell. I just vented all my anger and frustration at him, and really said nothing nice to him at all. I kept telling him that I just can't trust him and that he's ruined everything and that I can't let him back in my heart. That I don't know what will happen from here, but that I didn't have any hope things would be okay. He won't remember the end of the conversation because he was drunkenly falling asleep, and I finally just hung up.

 

I know this all sounds crazy, like why would I hang onto this drunk commitment-phobic guy. I think what's so hard to let go of is that I truly know and believe that he does love me, in the only way that he's capable. And I could write pages about the good qualities that I love about him. In many ways, he treats me better than anyone ever has. Treats me like a queen in so many ways, truly. When he's not in pull-away mode, he's thoughtful and kind and affectionate and very verbal about his love. When he lived here and we were spending time together, he was always looking out for me and asking if I was hungry and making sure I was comfortable and happy. He was attentive 100% of the time, never ever turned his attention to the phone or tv or anything else but me. He listens to every word I say. He doesn't judge me on my issues or things that I personally don't like about myself. I could go on and on.

 

So. At this point, I really have shut him out of my heart and plan to move on. But I still wish more than anything that he would just get his act together and let us be consistently happy, like he says he wants. He admits he has issues. I feel mean for being so hard on him, but he brought it on himself I think, and I made sure to tell him that.

 

This just sucks all around. There is no happy solution to this at all.

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Can't sleep now because my mind is in overdrive, as always. So just thought I'd add a little more.

 

He was still calling me baby and darlin like he always does, as if we're still together. He said that even though I was b*tching at him, it was just so good to hear my voice. He eventually said can't we just have a conversation about other things, and tried to change the subject, but I said no and kept fussing at him (because I want him to understand the pain he causes - part of me thinks he really just doesn't fully get it). He's obviously attached, because he keeps coming back even knowing that he's going to get b*tched at. And he sits through it for as long as I need to vent it out. I say horrible things sometimes (just about his behavior) but he doesn't seem to take it too personally.

 

Whyyyy, when he loves and misses me so much, does he keep messing things up periodically instead of just letting us be happy all the time?

 

Just thinking out loud, sorry. It drives me nuts trying to figure it all out.

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