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Broke no contact after 6 weeks


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I work in the same place as my ex, so I've bumped into her from time to time. She puts her head down like I'm the last person in the world she wants to talk to, wouldn't even say hi if I didn't say it first. I'm the dumpee.

 

I emailed her basically saying that I wished we could at least say hi when we passed and that I'd like to be friends down the road. I don't really...I'd like to be civil, but I can't handle the coldness at all. It wasn't a 'bad' breakup until I made it worse by trying to gain closure and talk to her about it. She emailed back saying she didn't think we could be as close as we were but she'd like to say 'hi' from now on, a really formal email with absolutely no warmth.

 

We were only together for 4-5 months intense months. But I can't reconcile the girl who called me her soulmate every night with the one I see at work. I have another post here talking about when she came to meet me to travel after 6 weeks apart.

 

She cried the first night because she was homesick. I took care of her, looked after her and ended a trip, I'd planned and saved for for 12 months for her. She was a mess, not eating, getting upset and I thought it brought us closer together in the sense that she felt comfortable showing her emotions and I'd taken care of her, cried with her, cooked for her, when she was crying so much. Even we she broke up with me she cried the whole time, I went to dry her eyes and she was saying 'even now, all you want to do is look after me'.

 

She said when we broke up I've given everything and all she's done is take, she used to say how can one person be so good to her, nobody's said the things I've said to her before.

 

And after all this she's just so cold to me. If I do see her in work I would at least like to be able to make small talk. I won't go out of my way to see her but it's inevitable I'll bump into her. Her ex reacted worse after the breakup with him, had a panic attack and had to go to A&E. She used to say she felt he never cared for her and that he was pathetic. I can't bare that she'd put me in the same category. And I don want her to look back and see me as the guy who wouldn't let the relationship go, but see me as the guy who she said was the rock she never had and opened her up sexually and emotionally.

 

This girl asked how I'd propose and send me picture of baby clothes. In my other thread that's identified as one of the red flags...but I thought I meant more to her than that considering she told me she saw a future with me she never dreamed was possible.

 

And she's just so happy at work with her new friends, like she doesn't need me. She was ultra clingy and needy when she didn't have anyone else. I have a friend on her team who said that others were saying 'she's been burnt and is just waiting until the next one' like its HER who got hurt, like I'd done something to her. Not sure if they're assuming or if she's lied to them.

 

The girl flirted with me when with her ex.

Turned me down when I said I felt there was a connection, which she knew hurt me

Came back and flirted again when with her ex, I'm stuck in limbo wondering what's going on.

Dumped her ex and came to me the next day saying she did like me but couldn't do anything because she was with him.

Invites herself on my trip to Europe.

In the time we're apart says she can't wait to say she loves me to my face, calls me her soulmate, her prince, her world, she's never felt so deeply for someone.

Arrives in Europe, cries after 2 hours, I end my trip for her and take care of her.

Meets my parents.

Tells me she loves me and would feel at home anywhere I was and talks about Valentine's Day

Dumps me one week later saying she doesn't feel like she did at the start.

 

And the assumption is that I did her wrong. I know breaking NC is a mistake but I'm going to see her until she leaves in September and her barely acknowledging me almost hurts more than the breakup.

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Defense mechanism.

 

She may feel guilt because of her actions, and seeing you, hearing you seek closure, emails, etc just reminds her of that guilt to the point that she puts up her barriers and you see this cold entity who is unrecognisable from the girl you knew.

 

I read an excellent thread on here about dumpers seeing the dumpee as a threat, and how it is natural to want to escape the perceived threat either by running away completely, or if that isn't possible/there's a pursuing dumpee, they will simply be incredibly cold. They may even turn it onto the dumpee, deferring blame to help ease their own guilt. I will try to find that thread when I have time and link it here.

 

Basically, it all points towards complete NC, but in your case, it should be very very limited contact...no more emails, no more laying out guidelines about how to behave around eachother, etc etc. A simple "hi" and that is it.

 

I know it must be difficult to see your ex and to have a lack of closure, but closure rarely comes - just got to work through the long and hard process of recovery on your own.

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Wow. She isnt stable. Im sorry youre going through this but to me it sounds like she told you what you wanted to hear.

 

Im going through a similar situation of having been told how someone feels, how id stolen her heart, only to be dumped and treated coldly.

 

Your coworker sounds completely unstable emotionally and seems to revel in drama. Ive witnessed people in my own workplace like that and its soul sucking honestly.

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I feel bad for you man. Having to see somebody at work must be very difficult especially when they're so stone cold.

I've been broken up about 2 weeks now after being in a committed relationship and living together for about a year.

A huge problem in our relationship especially in the beginning was the fact that she didn't trust me and always accuse me of cheating or texting other women. She was married to a cheater before... and that baggage followed her.

There's no way in hell that I would ever cheat or disrespect her at all I was 100% committed. It got old but eventually happened less and less. The accusations. We also work in the same industry and share the same business networks. The reason I gave that little version is because she too thinks I treated her bad and I didn't. Never ever did I treat her bad except when were fighting when I reacted...but... now she sends me these weird text saying I still love you very much and respect you even though you treat me bad and I'm like ? So I know the feeling.

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She doesn't need you, she needs a psychiatrist....or ten of them really.

 

Read your past back to yourself, especially the bullet point summary on the bottom - can you not see the red flags and the crazy slapping you in the face at least in hindsight?

 

She flirts with you when she is not available - red flag the size of China.

She dumps her ex and within a day shacks up with you - forest of reg flags the size of China.

She goes all crazy emo, doesn't know you for Jack, but she is in love with you? What?! - where is your common sense in this? Neon flashing sign saying warning you've got cray cray on your hands!

She invites herself on your trip to Europe - wow.....I don't even have words for it - nothing at all, not a thought, nothing in your gut said this is not right for the amount of time you were "dating"?

She goes on the trip and within 2 hours goes totally psycho......your thinking is to cry with her? At this point I think you have a seriously warped view of relationships, emotional closeness and are grossly misinterpreting insane, unhinged behavior for something positive and bonding. It. is. not. Crazy is just crazy and being with crazy, supporting crazy is not going to get you anything but more crazy.

Tells you she loves you and that you are her soulmate - she doesn't know you from Adam - she lied and you bought the bs. In the future, when someone you barely know starts telling you things like that so early on, run.

She dumped you and now she is distant - well count your blessings. Seriously boy did you dodge the bullet on this one.

 

Being cold and distant, she is doing you a favor. Roll with it and don't forget to thank your guardian angels for saving your neck.

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She doesn't need you, she needs a psychiatrist....or ten of them really.

 

Read your past back to yourself, especially the bullet point summary on the bottom - can you not see the red flags and the crazy slapping you in the face at least in hindsight?

 

She flirts with you when she is not available - red flag the size of China.

She dumps her ex and within a day shacks up with you - forest of reg flags the size of China.

She goes all crazy emo, doesn't know you for Jack, but she is in love with you? What?! - where is your common sense in this? Neon flashing sign saying warning you've got cray cray on your hands!

She invites herself on your trip to Europe - wow.....I don't even have words for it - nothing at all, not a thought, nothing in your gut said this is not right for the amount of time you were "dating"?

She goes on the trip and within 2 hours goes totally psycho......your thinking is to cry with her? At this point I think you have a seriously warped view of relationships, emotional closeness and are grossly misinterpreting insane, unhinged behavior for something positive and bonding. It. is. not. Crazy is just crazy and being with crazy, supporting crazy is not going to get you anything but more crazy.

Tells you she loves you and that you are her soulmate - she doesn't know you from Adam - she lied and you bought the bs. In the future, when someone you barely know starts telling you things like that so early on, run.

She dumped you and now she is distant - well count your blessings. Seriously boy did you dodge the bullet on this one.

 

Being cold and distant, she is doing you a favor. Roll with it and don't forget to thank your guardian angels for saving your neck.

 

In hindsight, yes. At the time I thought the trip was too soon but didn't say anything. And when she was crying and saying anyone would have told her to leave, what was the point of her, I'm too good to her etc. I cried with her because it was hard to hear her put herself down. Honestly, I was just trying to be a good boyfriend and I didn't have a clue how to handle it. The girl had been talking for 6 weeks about how excited she was to get there.

 

I don't know if she's crazy or if she's just an inexperienced girl who got in too deep, said things without realising what they really meant, and freaked out when the reality of it set in. She seems to make friends just fine without giving the impression of being crazy.

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Rich46, if you could find that thread, I'd be interested reading it too. Thanks!

 

It was this thread, which I read almost every single day during the difficult first few months when I was desperately trying to figure out my ex's behaviour:

 

 

 

Start from the beginning as the first page has one of my favourite posts ever by MrSoAndSo2009, who will never know how much his posts helped me.

 

In terms of an ex acting cold and why pursuing them doesn't work, and indeed has the opposite effect, see page 2 onwards and this post in particular:

 

There are various possible reasons just as there are various possible scenarios. Typically, though, the dumper has made a difficult decision that has been weighing on his mind for a long time. He may or may not have been aware of this consciously, but you can be sure that subconsciously something was in the works for a while. This is the detachment process that most dumpees don't recognize is happening in their partner because they are too emotionally involved. This detachment process is a powerful defense mechanism, and when the break-up finally happens, the dumpee is often shocked and suddenly behaves in desperation.

 

This desperation is like negotiating with death -- it's a fight to live: "I want to live! I want to live!" But, the dumper has his mind set and rarely is able to change on the spot. It takes time, space, and distance for the perceived "threat" (see next paragraph) to be reevaluated.

 

The key words are "defense" and "threat." So, there is a threat (i.e. something that could cause pain) to the personality. On the surface, the dumper's behaviour may seem irrational, but at a subconscious level of awareness, the most reasonable course of action is to protect the personality from possible pain using whatever resources are at its disposal (i.e. defense mechanisms -- anger, avoidance, inappropriate laughter, denial, and on and on).

 

The dumper himself may not even have a very good understanding of why he behaves the way he does in the aftermath of a break-up, but his actions will demonstrate to you a manifestation of that powerful defense mechanism that essentially sees the dumpee as a threat. Pay attention to ACTIONS more so than words if you want to be able to recognize how the dumper is engaging in a kind of defensive behaviour (shutting down, tuning out, creating distance instead of closeness).

 

When they hold onto you as a friend, that usually means that some part of the dumper is not ready to completely let you go, because the dumper does not want to face to full brunt of his pain since most of his energy is being spent in avoiding that pain or emptiness. This is very painful and confusing for the dumpee, who will then engage in a kind of process to justify holding onto the friendship and who will tend to put the dumper up on a pedestal. Although the dumper may want to hold onto the dumpee, it is just to avoid the full consequences of his decision, and the dumpee ends up being abandoned. Of course, sometimes a friendship can develop, but most of the time, this doesn't happen in the aftermath of the break-up.

 

Some dumpers, who are experienced, will attempt to explain to you what went wrong, and will try to have closure in a caring way, and they will let you know that it will take a long time before you can be friends and that you should remain out of contact. This is a healthier way to break up with somebody.

 

Sometimes dumpers are totally cold and just want you to go away. Whenever you bring up the relationship, you simply remind him of the pain he is trying to avoid. I've been in that situation myself. I pursued an ex one time and she got angry and said to me something very insightful:

 

You can talk about anything with me, but not the relationship. Whenever you mention the relationship, it forces me to think about it and causes me pain, and then I just want to run away from you."

 

The rest of time, she was completely able to NOT think about it, which, for me, was amazing at the time. "Out of sight, out of mind." She also saw no reason why we couldn't remain friends. What an ordeal that was!

 

Of course, I was not as clever then as I am now, and I made all the mistakes that everyone else makes

 

Another way to look at it is this: when you hunt for explanations, or try to be around the dumper, or when you bring up the relationship, or when you pursue him, you are completely disrespecting what he has asked for -- that he wants to be single and free again -- and you are fighting an uphill battle against his defense mechanisms, which are waging a war that you can't overcome with any amount of logic or reasoning. To win that battle, that kind of CHANGE requires something much deeper or more personal then what you can achieve by having a conversation during the turmoil of a break-up.

 

(DISCLAIMER: I'm not a professional -- make your own judgment!)

 

Brilliant insight.

 

His posts, and also Siberia's, are like gold dust for those trying to figure out a dumper's psychology.

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That's a great post.

 

I've already made those mistakes and pushed her away further. She accidentally rang me the day after the breakup and when I rang back she text to say 'sorry I was reading your last text message and accidentally hit call'. I know I was on her mind then at least. But I just pushed and pushed and I think I've ruined any possible attempt at reconciliation. I even read posts similar to that and *still* got in contact and still didn't learn even up to the email last week.

 

I just couldn't comprehend how the girl changed in 10 days of a trip from crying when I'd FaceTime because she wasn't with me to not wanting to stay over anymore. And because it was almost an infatuation she had I'd have thought there was a chance.

 

Kicking myself for that right now. Honestly wish I had blocked her number, blocked her on Facebook and ignored all attempts for her to contact. Considering things ended over the phone, I reckon she'd have tried to talk face to face about it. But I wish I'd never seen her or talked to her since then. Would be in a lot better place now for it.

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  • 4 years later...
It was this thread, which I read almost every single day during the difficult first few months when I was desperately trying to figure out my ex's behaviour:

 

Start from the beginning as the first page has one of my favourite posts ever by MrSoAndSo2009, who will never know how much his posts helped me.

 

 

Hi rich46,

 

I just came across your comment about the post I wrote many years ago. Thank you for sharing that. It really made my day to know that you found something I wrote helpful in your life.

 

(Unfortunately, I couldn't get into my old MrSoAndSo2009 account, so I had to create this new one just so I could thank you for the kind message.)

 

Best wishes

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