Be honest...am I a horrible person?

Emotions have been running high over the last couple of days because I'm so fed up with my family. There are sooo many issues, but the one thing that bothers me the most is how I feel taken advantage of and manipulates by my mom. Or am I being ridiculous?

About a month ago, I bought her a new dining room table and chairs because she really needed it and she was having company over that she hadn't seen in 20 years. She kept talking about how embarrassed she's going to be, how her budget won't allow her to buy a new table right now, Yada Yada. I cave in and offered to buy her a set. She had no reservations about accepting. I spent 600.00 plus delivery/setup was another 100.00. Two weeks later, she's taking my nephew on a 200.00 shopping spree. I'm not mad, but I think of her as a shiotty person. She's done this before, I just never noticed until recently.

Just this week, she was boo hoo over being out of her favorite perfume and kept mentioning how she hates to charge anything more on her CC. She mentioned this every day for 3 days in a row. I finally asked if she wanted my bottle, my perfume was my only Xmas gift from her. She gladly accepted and asked if she could have the lotion too. Again, I'm thinking she's selfish.

Again, it's not that I'm really mad, but I don't understand how she can act the way she does, get things ftom me, and then buy my nephew a new XBox, wardrobe, without ever offering to give me some money. etc. I'd never accept a payback from her, but it bothers me that she won't offer. She knows I'm finally debt free, but she also knows I'm 38 without a dime towards retirement and no pension.

It's her grandkid. Aren't grandparents notorious for spoiling their grandchildren?

I would stop buying her things if you're going to resent her for it.

I only resent her because it's beginning to feel like she's robbing Peter (me) to pay Paul. It's not she's asking or alluding to needing 20 bucks. It's always hundreds of dollars out of my pocket to fund her for things that she needs, but really, I'm helping to fund her shopping sprees on my nephew.

You are not a horrible person ,no. But you're allowing yourself to be manipulated. She doesn't NEED a dinningroom table. She WANTS a dining room table. Needs are basic necessities of life ,wants are everything beyond that. I know it's hard but you have to tell her, no.

What she does with her grandson though really has nothing to do with you.

"She knows I'm finally debt free, but she also knows I'm 38 without a dime towards retirement and no pension."

Since she doesn't care that you have no retirement funds, you need to care about yourself and act accordingly. You're getting a late start, so you need to make saving for retirement a priority. If she starts hinting about a present or money, tell her your priority and stick to it, and then change the subject. If she's a toxic person in your life, spend less time with her. You teach people how to treat you. If you're a doormat, that's how you'll be treated. If they start speaking to you with negativity, leave their home or hang up the phone. People need to treat you with kindness or respect, and if they don't, they will lose the pleasure of your company.

You are not a horrible person ,no. But you're allowing yourself to be manipulated. She doesn't NEED a dinningroom table. She WANTS a dining room table. Needs are basic necessities of life ,wants are everything beyond that. I know it's hard but you have to tell her, no.

 

What she does with her grandson though really has nothing to do with you.

We actually had a discussion about needs vs wants this week. She's now wanting a new mattress and bed for the spare room. I told her that I think she should hold off given it was recently on the news that our state is heading towards bankruptcy and state retirees like herself will not be getting their pension checks if/when it happens. She said she had enough in her savings to cover 5 mortgage payments. She went on to say she'll be fine because the state would never withhold 5 months worth of her retirement. I didn't say anything else. But guess who will be responsible for paying her debts if this really does happen and she runs out of money. ME. I won't be able to say no to her if she's behind on her mortgage. But I think I'll have the right to be pisssd that she thought it was more important to buy a new bed and whatever else while knowing she may not be getting paid soon.

Then when she starts with her I want hits parade you hang up. Just tell her I'm not having this conversation and hang up.

You are not a horrible person but you have very poor boundaries and that is on you to fix. You need to develop a thicker skin when it comes to this kind of emotional manipulation even if it comes for your mother. You are an adult now. Do not volunteer to things that you do not really want to. If pressed explain that you cannot afford anymore to pay for non-essential things. People cannot read your mind. It's that simple. And do start saving towards retirement and pension. That way you will have a clearer picture of the money you CAN afford to use on gifts without resenting it afterwards.

I would never abandon a parent who had an actual need . If they needed food or a roof over their head things like that. But this is something entirely different.

Your mother isn't stressed out because she knows you always bail her out. Parents should never ask their adult children for money. If they haven't figured out how to be financially stable by such a mature age, then that's their problem. She prefers that you be stressed out, and you call this love? There are homeless shelters and soup kitchens. How many people do you find on the street starved to death? You are enabling her. Read some books and articles on getting rid of your co-dependent behavior. You are not responsible for your mother. If she was incapacitated, then yes, you should arrange for her well being, but not until then.

But guess who will be responsible for paying her debts if this really does happen and she runs out of money. ME. I won't be able to say no to her if she's behind on her mortgage. But I think I'll have the right to be pisssd that she thought it was more important to buy a new bed and whatever else while knowing she may not be getting paid soon.

She is responsible for it, not you.

Examine why you keep doing this. You're obviously getting something out of it. It could be that you like the feeling of being needed, that you don't have other things going on in your life to distract you, that you like the control of being in a power position, etc.

Also, maybe you should share less information with your mother about your finances. Does she need to know you're debt-free, that your place is paid off, that you have money to spare?

I would never abandon a parent who had an actual need . If they needed food or a roof over their head things like that. But this is something entirely different.

Exactly. If she were in danger of being out on the streets, that would be one thing. But a new mattress? And not even for HER bed, but for the spare room? Ugh. I've had the same mattress for MUCH longer than I care to admit.

It sounds like her priorities are a bit off. You're not responsible for maintaining her lifestyle -- perfume, a new dining set when company comes (!) etc. She needs to stop thinking you're going to just buy her whatever she wants, and the way she'll stop thinking that is if you stop doing it.

So why do you feel responsible for her? Did you grow up around this dynamic ? Is your mom a drinker by chance?

I used to slave to piss money down the tube with my mom while she was still drinking. I I didn't want to watch her without or lose her house, and I also had been taught to take care of her.

Al anon can help. Even if your mom isn't a drinker, she's a user.

I thank for every day of a healthy relationship with my mom. And it is now. But there were some hard times of watching her from the outside for a few years

This stuff used to bother me and then I realized I can play that fun game too So next time she goes boo hoo I need this because it's not good and so forth say it back to her: "Yeah it's so sad, I also need a new car and I don't have money for it. I've been working on saving up for a palace and I haven't bought that either. boo hoo me too." And instead of solving the problem, just sympathize with her. "there there, poor you". And then move on to the next topic. Fun and easy.

I have someone in my life who expects me to pay for anything they want...and he's my 4 year old. My child. And you know what I tell him? "No."

And for a long ass time, I looked at my father like my atm. Granted, we were wealthy.

Stop telling her how much you make. Do not mention anything you've bought yourself. When she complains how she needs something, tell her you need to go and leave or get off the phone with her. Or "that's cool, are you saving up for that?" And go with my dad's method with friends and customers, "I'm broke." And don't explain why. It's no one's business whether you're flushed with disposable income or not (except your life partner).

Whatever you do, stop buying her stuff from this day on. She's fine. She's not your child. And open an Roth IRA, or if one is provided through work, and have it automatically withdraw from your Paycheck. You may even see more money on your paycheck, since whatever you contribute isn't taxable.

Thank you everyone. I really love ENA

Well, I did establish boundaries with her yesterday by telling her I do not want to talk on the phone everyday and when we do talk, I do not want to hear about my sister's marital problems or anything about my nephews dysfunctional upbringing. I then told her that I'm done buying her anything. I've bought her so much over the years. When I was younger, I lived with my dad because my mom was extremely bipolar and her manic states were no joke. She actually showed up at my daycare to pick me up wearing a Halloween costume in the summer time - a sexy French maid costume. The next thing I remember is moving in with my dad that evening. Ever since then, I've taken care of her for some reason. I used to give her a share of my dad's allowance money, I'd give her money from my babysitting jobs, etc. I don't know why I turned this way with her. Meanwhile, my sister has always been a "taker." Much like my mom I guess.

Anyway, mom didn't like the boundaries that I established yesterday. She told me that it's none of my business how much she spends on my nephew. And I agree. But the point she just doesn't understand is how I feel used by her, especially when I find out that she is buying my nephew expensive gifts while I'm buying her things that she cries about. She told me she will "never accept any more gifts from you since you use them over my head." But they aren't gifts. My gifts to her are on Xmas, her bday, Mother's Day. All the other stuff that I buy is from her guilt trips on me. She ended our conversation yesterday by saying she thinks I'm jealous of my sister because she's married and has a child. Ok. Think what you will. The fact is, I'm sick of my mom paying for things thst they, as parents, should be paying for and I'm astonished that they allow my mom to pay for things like braces, etc. if it were my kid, I'd tell her no, it's my responsibility. I'm not jealous of her, I just don't understand her.

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Well, I did establish boundaries with her yesterday by telling her I do not want to talk on the phone everyday and when we do talk, I do not want to hear about my sister's marital problems or anything about my nephews dysfunctional upbringing. I then told her that I'm done buying her anything. I've bought her so much over the years.

Going forward, consider just setting the boundaries on your own (i.e., simply not giving her money or buying things) instead of having conversations about it. If you don't want to talk on the phone every day, don't answer it when she calls. If you don't want to buy her anything, don't buy her anything.

Actions will take you further than words.

Ok, it makes a lot more sense how you've taken on this role because your mom suffers from mental illness.

How do you feel about the convo you had with her? Did it reinforce your decision to create boundaries with her? Make you doubt them?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I think you are doing the right thing for her and you in establishing boundaries. I eventually learned that enabling, which is what you have been doing, is harmful to the very person we are trying to help. Remember that when in doubt, ok?!

Thank you everyone. I really love ENA

 

Well, I did establish boundaries with her yesterday by telling her I do not want to talk on the phone everyday and when we do talk, I do not want to hear about my sister's marital problems or anything about my nephews dysfunctional upbringing. I then told her that I'm done buying her anything. I've bought her so much over the years. When I was younger, I lived with my dad because my mom was extremely bipolar and her manic states were no joke. She actually showed up at my daycare to pick me up wearing a Halloween costume in the summer time - a sexy French maid costume. The next thing I remember is moving in with my dad that evening. Ever since then, I've taken care of her for some reason. I used to give her a share of my dad's allowance money, I'd give her money from my babysitting jobs, etc. I don't know why I turned this way with her. Meanwhile, my sister has always been a "taker." Much like my mom I guess.

 

Anyway, mom didn't like the boundaries that I established yesterday. She told me that it's none of my business how much she spends on my nephew. And I agree. But the point she just doesn't understand is how I feel used by her, especially when I find out that she is buying my nephew expensive gifts while I'm buying her things that she cries about. She told me she will "never accept any more gifts from you since you use them over my head." But they aren't gifts. My gifts to her are on Xmas, her bday, Mother's Day. All the other stuff that I buy is from her guilt trips on me. She ended our conversation yesterday by saying she thinks I'm jealous of my sister because she's married and has a child. Ok. Think what you will. The fact is, I'm sick of my mom paying for things thst they, as parents, should be paying for and I'm astonished that they allow my mom to pay for things like braces, etc. if it were my kid, I'd tell her no, it's my responsibility. I'm not jealous of her, I just don't understand her.

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I hear you. My dad has bipolar 1.

Going forward, consider just setting the boundaries on your own (i.e., simply not giving her money or buying things) instead of having conversations about it. If you don't want to talk on the phone every day, don't answer it when she calls. If you don't want to buy her anything, don't buy her anything.

 

Actions will take you further than words.

Truly, there's no point in doing something and them making an issue of it. Simply don't do it. Everyone's lives are made easier.

And you will feel awful for not caving to her, but it will pass. You need to commit to putting yourself first.