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Thread: Close Friendship - or was it a hook up?

  1. #1
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    Close Friendship - or was it a hook up?

    Hi all,

    I have had, what I thought one of my best friends, a female. I am a female too. We had become very close friends about a year ago, and were confiding in each other our inner most secrets, if you will. She's an incredible woman, and a wildly successful business woman. I felt flattered to have become her friend, but also very fortunate to have found such a close friend, like a sister. We have so many things in common.

    Long story short, one day she forgot the keys from her house, and I invited her to say over the night at mine. She jumped at the idea. We played tennis, had dinner, and then more and more so I started finding her behaviour and her presence weird. I became aware of some bizarre energy around her, and started having sexual thoughts. Literally inside I was preying God to leave me in peace from these thoughts, and let this wonderful friendship continue. She pulled her chair next to mine and took me by the hand, and didn't let go. She said was she felt very attracted to me, and wanted to touch me. It was the most awkward moment I remember. Not wanting to hurt her, wanting our friendship to continue and not knowing what was going on inside me. I said that I thought I felt attracted to her too - at that moment it felt like it - but that our friendship was very dear to me, and that I didn't want to spoil it. I said that we better leave things as they are, it's too shady a territory, and I am not sure I want to go there. She insisted, or boy how much she insisted. She invited me to her bedroom - my spare bedroom - and then not having a response, came over to mine, and said she wanted to have a shower in my bedroom, while she could have used the other bathroom. The shower thing was totally unnecessary .. at midnight. The more she insisted and pushed for it, the angrier I became. The bathing in the shower was for ages. Finally she went downstairs. I lay awake all night scared that she'd budge in during the night with her requests. More scared of my violent response - I really thought I'd punch her if she did come during the night.

    Thankfully she didn't. The morning was very strained and short. She got ready and left. We didn't talk about it. That day I got a call from her. I didn't want to answer that and face more awkwardness. She texted that she thought we indeed better leave things as they are, or they'd become too complicated. And gave me advice - unsolicited - on my career - of course. I replied something very nice and asked her some questions about her family.
    Nothing, no response. We didn't talk in four weeks. I texted her yesterday, hey, would be lovely to see you, let's play tennis or go somewhere. She replied hours later saying she's away in Spain for Easter, "but what's news"? I inferred that she wasn't keen to meet. So I said well Happy Easter then and happy birthday, if I don't see you, I know it's coming soon. She didn't reply.

    I am asking myself these questions: was it real friendship or was she courting me so to say? She does have access to all the best things in town, and being with her you get access to these things. I recall one other time she insisted fervently on me staying the night at her house, while I didn't see why it was necessary. Now I see why. I am feeling a bit sad and disillusioned. But what would our friendship be like from now on? I am not attracted to her normally, no, but when she is to me, the massive energy just engulfs you, I don't know a better word for it. It feels very uncomfortable and awekward in the same space as her. The thing is I don't know what I feel myself in those moments. Mostly I feel angry now that she put me through this discomfort, the sleepless night, and how she pressured me.
    Last edited by Broomwood; 04-18-2019 at 02:53 PM.

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    So you've been 'very close friends' for about a year, and this is the first time she put the moves on you?

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    Correct. She and I both had boyfriends up until about six months ago. The bfs were so similar in their negative traits, this is how our friendship started. My bf broke up with me in October, and this is when she said she started feeing attracted to me.

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This is my perspective...if it seemed too good to be true that she wanted a friendship with you, then it was. I think she has played this game before.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She doesn't sound like a good influence. Leave her alone and don't be seduced by her access to "all the best things". You sound like you are making up for things you don't have in your own life and the friendship is very superficial. You also cited that her energy engulfs you and that is not a good sign. This only tells me that the energies between the both of you are not evenly matched and the friendship is one-sided, with a dynamic that is not healthy.

    Be cautious and don't be blindsided by her words or actions. Either of your characters are suspect: either you are too weak compared to her (you don't have enough of yourself to stand your ground or respond with ease around her) or she is too manipulative.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Set aside the sexual orientation and look at it from the angle had she been another man.
    She took a chance and was rather aggressive about it and she willingly risked putting your friendship on the line over it.
    That's on her.
    Hard to say what her motives were all along. We can't get in her head.
    But suffice to say this makes everything pretty awkward and hard to recover from.
    You took this high road and reached out. She rebuffed it. Maybe she's embarrassed.
    Sorry this happened.
    Don't second guess yourself.

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    I agree with you, Reinventyourself, that she willingly risked putting friendship on the line. While I was the one defending it that evening, and twice afterwords. Having read your replies, ladies, thank you Rose Mosse, I am inclined to think that there was no real friendship, only my illusion of thereof. It wasn't one sided in terms on energy, heck no, and I am just as assertive, but it was definitely different in terms of status. So thank you, Smackie, for pointing that out.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, you rejected her as a lover and that hurt her feelings and/or pride. You'll just have to wait and see how things turn out. I hope you get your friend back.

    You should also look for additional friends in the meantime - don't put all your eggs in one basket.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I don't like how aggressive she was about it.

    For me, after an ordeal like that, it would be a relief to have her gone for good.

    Friends don't impose themselves on you.


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