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Thread: Contact with ex

  1. #1
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    Contact with ex

    Seeking validation online I know might not always be the best route to take but my anxiety and insecurity on this has gotten me searching for somebody who can help me with the right advice.

    Me and my girlfriend have been together coming up for 3 months now, she had recently broken up with her ex of 5 years, so she is speaking to her ex. understandably, for the first couple of months this did not bother me. I understood 5 years is a long time to have shared love, memories, synergy ect...I knew the contact would not just stop because she had met me. I just hoped that I could be an awesome guy who keeps positivity so she could comfortable start to stop keeping contact with her ex.

    This was what I did anyway, secretly I was pissed she was speaking to her ex but I wasn't going to start acting like a douche bag. After 2 months I first mentioned I was feeling anxiety about her ex. I was honest and open with my feelings towards her still speaking to her ex, I said to her I was worried there still might be something there, worried about what they ere talking about ect...and she was a sweetheart about it, I sent her this through text and she face timed me right back, in the middle of the night and re assured me she is with me. I don't need to get upset, she even giggled a bit and thought it was cute, and told me she only ever speaks to him now if she needs something E.g a phone number as 5 years, a lot of information had been shared. This put my mind to rest and got me thinking, wow she really is understanding and respecting me, now I just hope the communication cuts way down.

    A week or so later my anxiety has calmed, i'm a lot more positive and enjoying time at my place with her but still something telling me I need validation of this, I really need solid proof that she's not speaking with her ex. my anxiety got the better of me that night and I checked her phone. As much as I felt terrible for violating her privacy it was washed away by the frustration and anger of seeing msgs between them. 2-3 times a week of general conversation, not flirting, not angry conversations, just topics. I bottled it up and did my best to carry on being positive, still understanding it's fresh and that if I carry on being the positive guy she'll eventually respect me enough and cut down the msgs.

    We booked a holiday to Prague (where she lived with her ex) I was looking forward for her to show me such a great city, a bonus that she knows everywhere and will be taking me to the best places, she was so happy to show me, she wants me to meet her mother and friends there, and of course I was excited about this too. She told me she did not want to tell her ex that she was going. My gf told me that she would tell her friends not to mention anything to her ex that she was going. I was happy with this and finally thought she was getting over him. up until a couple of days before the trip she told me she had told him that we were going and he would have found out on Instagram anyway. I blew up inside, there was so much I wanted to say BUT again I did not rage. I simply asked her why did you tell me you were not going to tell him? She replied I never said that. and again I almost exploded. I showed frustration with it but after briefly saying I thought it was a silly thing to do and didn't know why you told me you wouldn't tell him, I bottled it up again. carried on trying my best to be positive.

    We get to Prague. Generally had an amazing romantic time, visiting castles, taking pics together, kissing everywhere, in our own little world, it was great. Although the communication still was on going with her ex. As soon as we had landed, at the airport getting some lunch, he texts her asking if she is in Prague and we should meet up for a tea or coffee. Shes honest, and tells him no, it would not suit. 10 mins later she goes to the bathroom and again my anxiety kicks off and I know she is texting him, now i'm worrying about they actually do want to meet up and now the real talk starts because i'm not there

    Its left and we carry on having an amazing holiday. Until half way through when again she's texting her ex and telling me what they are saying, I tell her that what ever it is, I don't like you texting him. I break a little and say that what ever you want to talk about with him you now have me and can talk about these things with me. I find it disrespectful. I keep it calm, no hate, anger, I wasn't shouting, just talking about how it makes me feel. She got upset. Started crying and opened up about the relationship with him, how much he didn't help her in the apartment, was borderline abusive, cheated on her towards the end of the relationship and that if she ever saw him in person she'd punch him. which is why she can't, and doesn't want to see him. She again re-assured me that I am with her, I am the only one she is in love with, cares about and wants to be with, how happy she is with me, all whilst crying, I felt for her, how bad times must have been for her. We enjoy the rest of the holiday together

    We get back home from our holiday and there is still one thing on my mind, I know shes already lied to me about only speaking to him when she wants something, I know the conversations are about whats going on in each others lifes. I know she is still in contact with him 2-3 times a week. So I needed to know what she said to him whilst we were there together. When she was in the bathroom at the airport, after declining seeing him, he then pushed it, and to which she responded "and what do I do with James, i'm not alone in Prague" ...

    To me it feels like she clearly still cares about him. Cares about things around him and wants to talk to him. I feel she's willing to jeopardize our relationship. I have expressed my feelings towards it, and it seems she wants me to believe she is taking action but just can't. The only thing I feel I can do next is give her the ultimatum. Its either me or him. It's hard to tell if she is still in love with him, my girlfriend has told me she wants him in her life just as an old friend who she can pass in the street and wave to knowing the good memories she had but of moved completely on. How much I believe I don't know.

    Bit of an essay, maybe I just needed to express it in writing for somebody to read rather then alone in my head and let myself stump to low.

    Any advice appreciated.

    j

  2. #2
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    How long has it been since their breakup? Sounds like she's not completely over him

  3. #3
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    I agree. She moved to England whilst she was still with him. She had been here for about 5 months, realized he had cheated and broke it off with him, met me in the process.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Coldarmy13's Avatar
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    Id go ahead and say that its probably not the best idea to give her an ultimatum. They have much more history and you two are a relatively new couple. Its very possible she would pick him. Not because she is interested in him romantically, but more so from resentment of you laying down such an ultimatum. From what you wrote, it seems you knew about him when you two started and thought you could deal, and now you cant. If you are going to continue this, you have to accept him being involved in her life in one way or another. This is why its not a good idea to get involved with someone freshly broken up from a long term relationship.

    Seems like when you looked at her phone messages (also not a good thing), you found messages but nothing romantic or anything that would endanger your relationship with her. Sounds like you put out your feelings about them being in contact still and she told you she wasn't going to completely stop. That was your answer, you cant expect to change that. Women still friends with ex's is a bit of a deal breaker for me but everyone is different.

    Her responses to her exs messages and you seem pretty good to me. Upfront about her relationship with you. You probably shouldn't bank on her changing her mind and hoping he goes away.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Coldarmy13's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by datestar
    How long has it been since their breakup? Sounds like she's not completely over him
    If they broke up because he was in the wrong, then good chance her feelings were very hurt and are still very raw when it comes to that.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Coldarmy13
    Id go ahead and say that its probably not the best idea to give her an ultimatum. They have much more history and you two are a relatively new couple. Its very possible she would pick him. Not because she is interested in him romantically, but more so from resentment of you laying down such an ultimatum. From what you wrote, it seems you knew about him when you two started and thought you could deal, and now you cant. If you are going to continue this, you have to accept him being involved in her life in one way or another. This is why its not a good idea to get involved with someone freshly broken up from a long term relationship.

    Seems like when you looked at her phone messages (also not a good thing), you found messages but nothing romantic or anything that would endanger your relationship with her. Sounds like you put out your feelings about them being in contact still and she told you she wasn't going to completely stop. That was your answer, you cant expect to change that. Women still friends with ex's is a bit of a deal breaker for me but everyone is different.

    Her responses to her exs messages and you seem pretty good to me. Upfront about her relationship with you. You probably shouldn't bank on her changing her mind and hoping he goes away.
    thanks, as I like to say, time is medicine. This has just become a complicated one for me. Thanks for your advice

  8. #7
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Tread lightly.

    She wants to be with you, and doesn't want to be with him. At the same time, she hasn't recovered from their break up. I would advance slowly. I am wondering if she is reliable emotionallly.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by IThinkICan
    Tread lightly.

    She wants to be with you, and doesn't want to be with him. At the same time, she hasn't recovered from their break up. I would advance slowly. I am wondering if she is reliable emotionallly.
    thank you. I hope so, she's really a great girl

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by mjefferson
    thank you. I hope so, she's really a great girl
    I completely disagree with this situation not to sound harsh, but there's generally a few rules I have about women, 1st never date someone who's fresh put of a relationship because 8-10 times it always ends in a breakup. 2nd any female still keeping ccontact with her ex is because she is keeping him strung along in case your situation doesn't end well. She says the man's emotionally abusive and cheated on her? But yet she still texts him? Eh, that sounds a little odd to me man. I'm telling you from experience that almost anytime someone is in contact with an ex is because they are either A) still not sure about the breakup B)waiting for the ex to prove they can change or C) stringing him along. There's really no reason to keep in touch with an old flame unless bills or kids are evolved. You told her how you felt and she continues to text him? That would have been me walking away. I'm not a fan of giving people ultimatums in relationships but your relationship is starting off on a bad foundation when she's still talking to her ex. My advice would be to tell her to not contact me until she's done with her ex. What happens in a year when you fall for this woman and she ultimately decides to leave you for her ex? Sucks but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't happen alot. Whatever you do? Tread carefully and don't get yourself hurt man.

  11. #10
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    I think you should absolutely stay out of her phone, and let her deal with him and her emotions surrounding him on her own. It's really not your place to tell her whom she can speak to or how many times a week she can speak to anyone.

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