Boyfriend in debt and afraid it's going to dissolve our relationship

Hello I am new to this forum so thanks for reading. I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 4 months now ... We've been living together since September 2015. I'm 43 and he's 40 ... We're both professionals who make good sairies (each 6 figures). I've been in denial about a big part of our relationship, which I'm realizing ...and that is his debt. Between student loans (from law school) and him owing back taxes -- plus penalties --- it's well over 100k. I knew this before we moved in together however, like I said I think both denial and being caught in the moment of being in love caused me to have a bit of a blind eye. But now as I've gotten to know him better -- and myself -- I'm truly concerned if this is going to pan out. I was also empathetic because I had a debt situation myself over the past few years ... Which I'm nearly out of due to discipline and hard work (the reason was divorce and a huge career hit ... I turned to credit cards to get me through it) ... But it was a lesson learned on my end and one I will never repeat again.

We're renting now and my goal is to own a house again ... Within the next couple of years, which is realistic for me. I'm being mindful of financial plans and investing, something he doesn't talk about or does. And I'm willing to put the work in to get there. I've noticed that he lacks this vision ... In all honesty I think he wants as little responsibility as possible, and it shows. He's making the required payments each month but there is no will to step it up. He's not the most motivated person and I know that, financially, I will be the driver in this relationship. If we were in our 20's it would be one thing, but the idea of struggling for the latter half of my life really concerns me.

I've talked to him about it and he's obviously defensive ... So it's rough water to trudge through. Something I need to point out, too, is that I'm really his first serious girlfriend ... He's never been married or lived with someone ... Even dated someone longer than a year ... So being responsible for someone else is new to him.

I think I already know the answer to what needs to be done ... But I wanted to post this as I welcome any feedback. It's genuinely unfortunate, because he is a good guy and we do love each other and get along very well. But I also know that there's a good chance I am going to be resentful down the line. Thank you.

I was married for 16 yrs to a man who had a polar opposite attitude about money than myself.

Don't underestimate how powerful money and the attitude that goes along with it factors into your relationship.

Money often has very deep emotional ties for some.

Another way to look at it. . A relationship (after all the warm fuzzies wear off) is largely a business relationship.

You need to be able to navigate things together and if your differences are so vast it just becomes problematic.

Had I known this and someone asked me if would go into business with my (ex) husband, I would have said no.

Yet I married him.

Knowing what you know now. .would you go into business with your boyfriend?

I really wouldn't be moving in with someone who has never made it past a year in a relationship--a pretty risky venture. Past behavior predicts future behavior. I don't know if he did the dumping when the going got rough, or maybe the women saw that he wasn't what they wanted after all. I'd probably tell him: We're a team now, and if we're going to be together long term, we need to come up with a long term plan. He should be living in the cheapest abode possible without luxuries until his debt is paid off. It's also late to be saving for retirement, so after the debt is paid, he should be making a plan for that.

If he can't have a mature adult conversation with you when the outcome will affect you if you stay with him, then maybe he's too childish to be in a relationship with, and that's why all his other relationships didn't work.

If you move forward with him, are you ready to take on that debt?

Are you actually thinking about marrying him .. ? This is a serious question. If everything else in the relationship is good, then why not buy your house (IN YOUR NAME ALONE) and have him just pay you rent? If you are thinking about marriage though, that's another issue entirely, but I guess my question would be - why bother getting married?

If overall you just feel like you don't have respect for him because of this issue, then there's really no point being with him.

What can he do for you right now and the debt to make you feel better about the relationship and want to move forward with him?

If he makes these changes that you want, and you carry on with the relationship, do you think you'll still feel resentful towards him because of the debt in the future?

How has he responded to these changes that you want? Or is he just defensive and buries his head in the sand?