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Devastated - my child is not mine.


justaguy70

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I'm crying as I type.

 

I had a relationship for 7 years. We had 2 amazing children. My wife struggled with addiction for years off and on. I was always there.

For her and for the family. There was so many lies which comes with addiction, the trust was gone forever. We separated.

 

I have paid her a good amount of child support from the get go and I see my 2 kids A LOT. EVERY weekend and Wednesdays.

I will not have it any other way. It was never a question.

 

I'm a good man. I'm a good father. I'm successful. I love.

 

There was always a lingering doubt in the back of my mind that my daughter was not mine. For various reasons.

 

I decided I couldn't live with it and needed to clear my head. I had a DNA test done.

 

I was devastated to read my 7 year old daughter is not mine.

 

But she IS mine. I'm her daddy. I'm her stability. She is my angel and lights up my world.

 

I have spoken with my ex and she knows. I have no intention of telling my daughter, at least, not now.

I'll deal with that down the read. Or not. I don't know.

I'm going to continue to love her and care for her and mold her into a good and successful person the best I can.

I'm going to continue to pay the child support. I'm devastated by all of this. My heart tells me this changes nothing.

I need to swallow my pain for my babies. I've told no one about this.

 

I could not bare to be without my daughter.

 

Someone, please tell me I'm doing the right thing.

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Shes still your daughter. You have a parent child relationship. She thinks of you as her father. She loves you and you love her. Biology changes none of that. Ask any parent of an adopted child.

 

Yes, it's a shock, and I really feel for you. But you loved her before you knew, love her now.

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Unless her bio dad is clamouring to be in the child's life, I think its best to continue being her dad like nothing has changed. She is your daughter. You raised her from birth. What if you used an egg donor because your wife could carry a child, but not conceive? Can you look at it like that for now - if you guys are divorced and her cheating might be moot now. If it ever NEEDS to come up for medical purposes of something she is starting to exhibit as an adult, then maybe it should be her MOTHER who tells her after seeking counseling to figure out what to do - but I wouldn't rip apart this girl's life at the moment.

 

i highly suggest counseling to sort this out - for yourself, personally. This is heavy.

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I'm very sorry, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

 

Did you ex know that she wasn't yours and decided not to tell you? It doesn't really matter at this point, what's done is done but I'm curious if she knew. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to.

 

Just be there for your daughter, you're the only father she's known so keep doing what you've been doing (which it sounds like you're planning on doing). If it were me, I'd meet with a family law attorney (perhaps to legally adopt her?) and a family therapist. I'd see a therapist for myself to learn how to deal with this news and how to move forward from here.

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At this point, it's a none issue.

 

She has a daddy and that daddy is you.

 

My only concern would be with your Ex, and the financial benefits she owes you back. I would still assure her you will remain and continue to be her dad....cause you are one.

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Its devastating. The mother and I have an agreement that nothing needs to change. I hope she keeps her word. She knows I'm a good father and a good person. Shes knows our little girl needs me. I don't have any idea who the father could be and honestly, I don't care. I'm picking her up tonight and will love her as much as I always have.

 

I will be seeking some counselling.

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Its devastating. The mother and I have an agreement that nothing needs to change. I hope she keeps her word. She knows I'm a good father and a good person. Shes knows our little girl needs me. I don't have any idea who the father could be and honestly, I don't care. I'm picking her up tonight and will love her as much as I always have.

 

I will be seeking some counselling.

 

You are a good man, good work. Don't let anyone tell you other wise.

 

As much as this hurts, it only validates what kind of a person your ex is.

 

Personally I would work really hard to deflect the DNA results or thoughts of these facts away from my brain. Keep thinking and setting your mind to "she is my daughter".

 

Or as I like to say, it's as big of a deal or as little as YOU make it. Make it a no big deal at all, and go on/be happy with your life.

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Changes nothing.

 

If some day she wants to meet her biological dad, let her (presuming no safety issues etc). Her attachment to you will be strong and secure, and her desire - should it come - will be more about curiosity than anything else. The more people who love out children, the better.

 

One thing to learn about: adoption? Would adopton create or provide legal protections? I don't know. From an emotional perspective, you are her dad, keep being her dad. You two sound like a good team.

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The DNA opened Pandora's box and no doubt all the thoughts and emotions are overwhelming.

My heart goes out to you.

Trust that you will make sense of this senseless situation.

You'll unravel your emotions and come to terms with them. It will just take time.

 

In the meantime take care and be patient with yourself.

Take care of your precious daughters and keep your head high.

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I wish you had primary custody and the ex had to pay you child support. You mentioned seperated... so not divorced?

Do you have a lawyer and the agreement is on paper?

 

I personally wouldn't trust someone who committed such deep betrayal to simply keep her word. And you may not care about money, but when that money meant for your kids is going through the hands first of a known addict, she may be more motivated by money than you.

I'd be very worried about that- the money not making it to the kids, and her using this as an attempt to blackmail you to shut up and put up with the status quo as suits her.

 

I'd talk to lawyer first, therapist second

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I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

One of my "friends" did this to her husband...except, she did it deliberately. Who he thought was his daughter for 15 years is not actually his child. And his wife blithely told him this because, she told me, he was being an a-hole to her and she wanted to get back at him by telling him this horrible truth.

 

The wife moved out, but the daughter stayed with the man who raised her. He cares nothing about the biology, but he's very hurt by the betrayal.

 

You and he are good fathers. Your love for the child outweighs the betrayal, and that takes a real man to overcome.

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All very good points, and all of that needs to be thought about. At this very moment. I'm just going to enjoy my kids company. I was worried I would see her differently. I just picked her up and my feelings for her are far to strong to ever change. I feel better knowing this about myself. My kids are my world. I love my boy and I love my girl. This is not going to change. I'm going to get through this.

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