Gloomdoomandboom

Once you name your fears they become a little more manageable. I'm going to write down dark thoughts here and work through them. Trying to be accountable and grow as person.

Managing expectations is what it's all about. The only thing that seems to work is having none. Therapy works for me now that I don't even expect my therapist to care about me on a personal level. If I'm working with one of those conventional type people I use to the time to gauge reactions and invalidation and find ways to work around that: It's basically just practice for me to speak about abuse in a convincing way. People pretty much only care about power and charisma and that's it. It's always been that way and my naive little fantasy is never going to come true.

There are a lot of issues I need to work out, I feel kind of trapped by certain paranoid thoughts and that's why I made this journal exclusively for dealing with them.

My body is not cooperating, and I'm not sure what to do. I just want to have energy again! It shouldn't be this hard to go through the motions, especially since the intent is totally there. Being active or getting the right mindset isn't the issue, I'm privately worried I actually do have CFS. If that's the case no one can really help me right? I don't even know who to consult at this point.

Relying on people or seeking help never seems to work out for me. No one cares, literally, I'm on my own. It took me way too long to figure that out.

I think I'm self-aware and then something happens like boom and blows that out of the water.

This past January I realized I wish I had never been born. The innate desire to live is the only thing contradicting that. I seriously wish I hadn't been born, my life is honestly not worth living. As I spin my wheels trying to subvert the hand I was dealt, I realize it would have helped me to realize this like at least 10 years ago so I could distance myself from every influence and connection I've ever made. I don't mean to be such a brat, I don't have an issue with them but I wish I was born into a completely different life. There must have been a mixup of souls or something because the only thing I've ever been certain of is how wrong it has all been. I've accepted this now and I've been living under a different identity for 5 years now. At first I was in the pink cloud, but now all my insecurities and flaws are on the table and I feel like I'm trying to complete a really difficult puzzle.

It was easier to act on that initial intuition but it's been years now, and yeah maybe ignorance would have been bliss in my case. I would have lived a narrowly defined life marked by the aftermath of a lifetime of abuse but there were some built in safeguards, I used to be so easily entertained and satisfied. I used to try to cultivate a feeling of happiness on a daily basis, not anymore.

Here are some of the challenges in the aftermath:

I'm able, to some extent imagine what it's like to be from a real human family so I'm not a total lost cause. I've come to terms with my outsider status on that. I just want to belong so much. It's like I had to go like 6 degrees of separation away or more just to find a world that I want to belong to. That's what keeps me wondering why did this happen to me? I'm not just an orphan in my family, this mistake transcends geography and time. At first I had so much hope, of course, being as naive as I was, not realizing it's not just a matter of giving myself a makeover and giving myself pep talks until I'm ready to take on the world.

My parents mixed up my strengths and weaknesses. I have such a hard time separating from the distortion. They would just tell me what they wished was true, about life, themselves and myself so I had no sense of reality. Being productive, for example, to them, was a threat to their fragile egos. I was raised to just let life happen to me, for so long. I'm worried it's caused permanent brain damage and made me crippled for life. More than anything I just want to overcome this awkwardness! I've finally learned how to stay awake in my own life but it's made me so unnatural, I was actually more in the moment before all of this. This poison has permeated every aspect of my life and that's what makes me what to end it the most. I came into this world with the strangest outlook on life because they are just utterly bizarre. I used to think they were old world but it's not the case at all, they are in their own world devoid of tradition, history, or emotion, they are not human at all.

I already went through puberty once and it was hard enough. My life is like that Pleasantville movie, color used to feel so garish and over the top. I can't imagine a life without it now. I really wasn't living for so long. Even when I go back and watch old movies and I take in so much more, it makes me realize all along, it was just me. I was in that mental prison for so long and I had NO IDEA.

I've started to notice the effect it's had on who I'm attracted to.

Shared psychosis is a huge obstacle in my life. I HOPE THIS IS NOT GENETIC. If it is, I may as well just end it now. Becoming self aware of it has required me to abandon literally every aspect of my life EXCEPT my body. Imagine that. If I could I would trade out my body and mind for something else but my only avenue for doing that is to retrain my mind to think in a completely different way. In this next phase of recovery or whatever you want to call it, that's what I've been doing. Back in 2011 I thought there was a core self to preserve or cultivate, I no longer believe that now in my particular case, I know it's just a roll of the dice but this is so hard. I just needed a total blank slate. I have been making this next translation since January. So far good.

The suicidal phase was so necessary. I have nothing left to fear.

Although I'm like, this is not exactly a neurotypical experience. I'm supposed to feel something about that. I've just lost the ability to feel certain emotions, like shame or fear.

My mom lives in a very creepy headspace, it's full of all these needs and passions that are totally undeveloped, like just so creepy I can't even explain it. It's like she's literally burning on the inside, but the fire is out of control and destroying her ability to think like a person, it's like she's a real life zombie but one that feels really sorry for herself and only wants to feed from one source, me.

I haven't totally abandoned my resolutions, in fact maybe some of them are already being put into practice. I can't get lost in day dreams anymore because my day dreams lack so much imagination, they are like hollow shells that i can't even get that much satisfaction from now that I've become self aware of my EMPTINESS.

The worst feelings that are keeping me down:

Emptiness

Awkwardness

Lack of confidence

I don't even trust myself to analyze myself or anything, period, because I'm finally seeing how my logic has more holes than Swiss cheese. So I'm reduced to being this uncomfortable animal. This was my worst fear five years ago. This is the realness I thought I couldn't take, now that's not the issue anymore, it's just not having a way out because I'm so incompetent.

The reason I'm still trying is that I'm hoping there will be a day when I don't feel like my entire life is me trying to write a novel with my nondominant hand.

If I do have to end it, I think I have a foolproof plan that wouldn't involve any nonconsensual accomplices. The Vance Creek Bridge is the 2nd tallest bridge in the US...it's strange how casually I can talk about these things when a month ago I would have been bawling. I would probably be too scared to climb up there anyway, I would like to visit even if I'm not setting some kind of morbid plan into motion.

My thoughts are much quieter now, and the focus is back on me, instead of seeing myself from the outside always being paranoid about the enablers and being hurt by the things they would inevitably say and try to push on me. So I hope I can tackle the way my body has responded to this level of stress by becoming so incredibly weak and nonresilient.

It's getting old to view this as this linear path to recovery but I have to say how much the way I process regret has changed in the past month. I have no regrets, I just exist and there's nothing else to it. I avoid people or situations that cause me to be uncomfortable or unhappy and that's it. I try to maximize my personal happiness by taking cars of myself. I can see now how the decisions I've made so clearly connect to my past that I don't feel regret even for my mistakes. I was born to be even more miserable than I currently am. I should be a battered wife, I should have been a doormat to an unfaithful man, I should have been a hamster on a wheel my whole life but I'm not. I should have been this shadowy person but I'm not anymore and every minute that I have to be a person in control of their own mind is at the very least not completely unbearable compared to how my life was before. My life before was a nightmare, no question about it. The more I shape my life into what I want it to be the clearer that is to me.

Now that I've stopped viewing my decisions with regret, it's much easier to see a fuller picture and make decisions I can live with. Even my coordination is improving. Everything went downhill for a while as I got out of dissociation. Honestly I couldn't even slice up some cucumber in the kitchen without feeling like my muscles and nerves were all twitching and weird and I felt like my body weighed 100000 pounds and it was doing all these things I couldn't understand. It was like my soul was leading my body, but it was dragging along.

That went on for years. That feeling of being like this helpless infant trying to teach myself quite literally how to do all these basic tasks over again. It's seriously like I had a stroke.

I bet that in a few years there will some evidence of this, I can't wait to find out. I know there's already some science that says it takes 2 years or so.

The more I learn the more this is just common sense. The developing brain is such a precious thing. The constant chaos and fear, how in the world did they (my parents) survive it? I couldn't even be that crazy for a day, literally I don't think it's possible for anyone who is not crazy to be that violent and mixed up inside. I can't even imagine what it is like to be so destructive, so super animated, so out of this world.

Change, as an adult, may not be fluid but it does become second nature once you get to a certain point.

There are little growth spurts I go through and right now is definitely one of them. I feel more whole, more developed, and thankfully it might actually be the case that I don't need 18 years to undo all the damage that was caused during my childhood. 18 is a somewhat arbitrary measure of maturity anyway. There are ways to be on track with your development at any age. It makes me question why I was always told I was mature for my age. What a meaningless thing to say.

I thought I squeezed every last drop of understanding from my past but there's so much more I have to learn. Even simple things, like the fact that my parents never questioned why I was dating a 30 year old guy (when I was 20) who had not achieved any adult milestones like buying a house, building substantial savings, investing, owning a decent car, having a kid even, that's a parent's worst nightmare, but my mother ONLY intervened with her jealous psychosis when I had boyfriends who were attractive with ambition. How disturbing! It's so messed up that I never put two and two together or had the words to describe this, so I just sounded like I was making some resentful and childish claim that they were trying to sabotage me when all I had to do was point to the facts: a 30 year old who drank every night with no savings, no house, no sense of his place in the world, ironically, just like my parents in that he was a crippled, immature person who constantly belittled others in this very manipulative, convincing way: I'm just so original and quirky, don't mind me, all the smoke and mirrors and self-deception that helped him secure a place among his friends as that outspoken but unique guy. Just like my parents, he is all about people MAKING EXCEPTIONS for him. I am not like that at all. I don't give a F about making exceptions for myself because why the hell do I need to? The world is incredibly diverse and there is so much to learn, I have no interest in painting myself into a corner just because I'm scared and insecure. It's so seedy and creepy.

Up until a few weeks ago I thought it was just an issue with his MINDSET and that it was just subjective. No it's not subjective and I'm not being judgmental. He sucked at managing his mental health, he was messed up and depressed and it had a real impact on his life decisions and my parents were obligated to protect me from someone like that. My mother is a huge liar because she was totally NOT fine with me being with attractive, age appropriate boyfriends but fine with this borderline predator? That's so obviously abusive and she can't lie now that I have the words to tell the truth. I call him that not because of his age, but because the kind of guy he was, how he opportunistically took advantage of me when I was struggling to find my place in the world, how he was more immature than me at 30 than I think I have ever been, yet used his age and authority to make me question myself and shut me down whenever I told him I didn't feel mature, that I didn't think our goals and lifestyle were compatible. He was abusive, very much so. I haven't been able to say that, ever. Now I want to say out loud. He was abusive and that's why I was so unhappy for 3 years.

There are little growth spurts I go through and right now is definitely one of them. I feel more whole, more developed, and thankfully it might actually be the case that I don't need 18 years to undo all the damage that was caused during my childhood. 18 is a somewhat arbitrary measure of maturity anyway. There are ways to be on track with your development at any age. It makes me question why I was always told I was mature for my age. What a meaningless thing to say.

I thought I squeezed every last drop of understanding from my past but there's so much more I have to learn. Even simple things, like the fact that my parents never questioned why I was dating a 30 year old guy (when I was 20) who had not achieved any adult milestones like buying a house, building substantial savings, investing, owning a decent car, having a kid even, that's a parent's worst nightmare, but my mother ONLY intervened with her jealous psychosis when I had boyfriends who were attractive with ambition. How disturbing! It's so messed up that I never put two and two together or had the words to describe this, so I just sounded like I was making some resentful and childish claim that they were trying to sabotage me when all I had to do was point to the facts: a 30 year old who drank every night with no savings, no house, no sense of his place in the world, ironically, just like my parents in that he was a crippled, immature person who constantly belittled others in this very manipulative, convincing way: I'm just so original and quirky, don't mind me, all the smoke and mirrors and self-deception that helped him secure a place among his friends as that outspoken but unique guy. Just like my parents, he is all about people MAKING EXCEPTIONS for him. I am not like that at all. I don't give a F about making exceptions for myself because why the hell do I need to? The world is incredibly diverse and there is so much to learn, I have no interest in painting myself into a corner just because I'm scared and insecure. It's so seedy and creepy.

Up until a few weeks ago I thought it was just an issue with his MINDSET and that it was just subjective. No it's not subjective and I'm not being judgmental. He sucked at managing his mental health, he was messed up and depressed and it had a real impact on his life decisions and my parents were obligated to protect me from someone like that. My mother is a huge liar because she was totally NOT fine with me being with attractive, age appropriate boyfriends but fine with this borderline predator? That's so obviously abusive and she can't lie now that I have the words to tell the truth. I call him that not because of his age, but because the kind of guy he was, how he opportunistically took advantage of me when I was struggling to find my place in the world, how he was more immature than me at 30 than I think I have ever been, yet used his age and authority to make me question myself and shut me down whenever I told him I didn't feel mature, that I didn't think our goals and lifestyle were compatible. He was abusive, very much so. I haven't been able to say that, ever. Now I want to say out loud. He was abusive and that's why I was so unhappy for 3 years.

I haven't lost a post in a long time and I just did, how annoying.

It was actually really important too, why, ugh

Great it usually takes me a while to get to what I really want to say and now it's lost forever

Let me try to remember some of what I was saying:

Okay one point I made was that my parents view boundaries as a power struggle, even within themselves. They are only vulnerable when they feel inferior. That's so sick and twisted. Their idea of boundaries is building a shield based on a perception of superiority and otherness.

There's just a sharpness, a tangible accuracy to the way I talk about abuse now. Like this month when I was able to speak on abuse from my newly empowered place. I was at peace instantly. I knew then I could never be deceived again, and because of that I'll never be in the same danger ever again. It's just not possible anymore. That's the worst thing for an abuser. They need their victims to be barely conscious as they feed on them. No wonder it's been such a painful process for my abuser. It's just never the same again once your victim realizes its wrong, and it actually sinks in with detail and depth. They lose their power the second you know in your heart, and reach that place of peace.

That must have been the real factor in getting me to this faster pace of recovery. The past month has been more productive for me than maybe another time I've tried to consciously work on my abuse. I feel like there was a necessary foundational period, of observing her abuse, taking notes, talking to other abuse survivors and then finally having her if tell me to kill myself and finally having it sink in that she's not a mother. I still acknowledge the role that being in an antagonistic position with her flying monkeys played for me, over such a long (roughly 3 year) period of time. Living with my mom full-time, finally in her own element, forced me to observe her behavior much more carefully and being abused and invalidated while living with her really made me work to unravel it. I just wonder where I would be had I been able to do that on my own terms, from a positive instead of negative place.

There's an even more striking contrast as I become healthier, in the way I hold people fully accountable instead of always questioning myself in the back of my mind. I couldn't be confident or truly calm because I was always in that limbo. I find it even more baffling that a group of middle aged women would take advantage of such a naive, weak young woman. It's just not helpful or entertaining or worth their time. The belittling alone was coming from a place of abject cruelty. When I was more acutely suffering from PTSD and my naïveté I kept doubting myself and thinking that I was just imagining things but I wasn't. Somehow this became my life and part of my memories and experiences. I hope I can shake off the sickness in me someday soon. I thought that it was leaving me when I finally told my REAL story, the one I never had the words to say, the real story after stripping away the infinite layers of gaslighting and reframing.

Now that I don't just keep my head down, and let people talk down to me with such a scientific degree of certainty and smugness like they became so accustomed to with me, my mom's sick enablers could never hold me more accountable than some loser who could barely pay his bills under the guise of being an graduate student taking advantage of a scared young girl living in a foreign country and make that a story about why I'm so unlovable and flawed. Both he and my parents play the underdog overlord game.

Now being safe, clean, feeling healthy, and positive, I just can't empathize the dehumanizing cruelty enough. I feel like I spent the last 5 years tied to an upside down beehive where a bunch of angry bees were just flying out and stinging me and covering my face. I forgot I was a person, literally. Part of it was a conscious effort to dissociate so that I didn't have to feel the pain until I was safe. I admit I regret that. I should have just accepted the horrible situation I was in. I just didn't know at the time, there is a way, that doesn't involve bowing your head or running away. Typical fawn, fight, freeze, flight stuff. Cycling through the obvious markers of CPTSD without even knowing what a textbook case of it was.

With the right therapist I really feel like you could help a person in about 2 years. Part of the problem is that in an effort to honor the trauma it gets over hyped. It's really not the end of the world, even when it is. I wish I could have been my own therapist, present day me needs to make contact with past me and pass down this life changing info, it's quite simple actually. It mostly comes down to the black and white thinking of my borderline mom, and managing the 4 trauma responses. It would literally take less than a minute to appear in a dream or reflection in a mirror or puddle or something. If only, if only. Don't worry, all borderlines lie, that's what they do. They distort their entire lives and are unreliable sources of information in so many ways. Don't worry, the unconscious is always seeking to repair itself and will do so naturally in a safe place where it is not always being retriggered. Follow that intuition, your whole life is wrong, but just always keep that first observation about black and white thinking on the backburner in every decision you make. Be completely different if that's what you want. Simple.