I Have Massive Student Loan Debt. Will This Hurt Chances of Finding Partner?

So, this has been bugging me for a very long time, and I just need to air these worries.

I am 31. I have always been hugely ambitious, a go-getter, and I'm currently adjusting to a life in Europe working in the field I got my degree(s) in and trying to build on it every single day. I do not have regrets about what I am doing with my life. I am responsible with my money (I barely spend anything at all, unless it is super budget-friendly food, clothes that I know I will wear for many many months, and homemade bath products and makeup). I babysit, teach privately and am currently not even paying rent (I am the childcare for my best friend here in Europe so she gave me a free room).

I had a great-paying job at a music corporation for several years, but they went through a massive re-org in the spring of last year and my job was laid off. I received many bonuses and had worked very hard and paid off what I was capable of paying off of my student loans.

That being said, I have upwards of 100K in student loans. When I was 17, and got into my dream school, it really did not occur to me that student loan debt was going to be such a massive problem. I took on way more than I ever should have, my parents let me, and while of course I would do it differently now if I could, welp, this is the reality at hand.

I cannot pay much of it now as I am still getting my feet on the ground with my career.

Looking at my life, I realize how scary this would be for any potential partner. I am not dating anyone right now, but of course I hope to date and meet someone right for me in the coming years. I DO want a family, and hope to God this isn't off the table because I am most likely going to be paying off loans for many many years. Even with the best job, it's going to take a long time to make a serious dent.

I know that it could effect whomever decides to come into my life. I realize I can't control how this might impact people's views of me, but I was wondering what thoughts there are out there? I can't realistically quit what I am doing - I would have a lot less respect for myself if I stopped my music career, which was the whole reason I went to the schools I did.

I'm not looking for judgment, but just maybe some perspective from people who have gone through this and tried to date.

Thanks!

In my experience, people have all kinds of checklists for what they want/need in a potential mate, and then they meet someone who makes the sparks fly and those checklists all go straight out the window.

You'll meet someone, that person will fall in love with you, and your loan debt won't be an issue because that person will just want to be with you. It will affect your life and your family's life, but it won't prevent you from finding someone.

In my experience, people have all kinds of checklists for what they want/need in a potential mate, and then they meet someone who makes the sparks fly and those checklists all go straight out the window.

 

You'll meet someone, that person will fall in love with you, and your loan debt won't be an issue because that person will just want to be with you. It will affect your life and your family's life, but it won't prevent you from finding someone.

You rock. Thank you for this perspective. Currently, I'm just out of a relationship so I'm really focused more on making my career/ personal finances/ stability work for me so I can be in a better place to even be IN a relationship, but obviously that does make one think hard about what they bring to the table...

Another thing is that my spending habits are very strict and responsible, so I trust myself never to bring any NEW, acquired debt into a relationship (at this point in my life I have learned enough about credit cards, bills and so forth to make the right decisions there). So hopefully my past won't weigh down my family and my future too heavily. But, I suppose we all have things we need to work on that could effect our future relationships...

Finances, and financial strain, are rated either one of the top two reasons for divorce so I won't try to lie to you and say it doesn't matter.

I think what you said is accurate - you can't really control how the other person is going to think of it or process it. What you can do though is focus on yourself and trying to be in the best place you can be financially.

How would you feel if you met someone, while you had this debt, who also had the same amount or more debt?

Me and my fiancee are about 200k in debt (each) from undergrad and professional school. However neither of us are worried about it because our income is good and by living as if we were still students we will be debt free soon. 100k isn't bad at all especially since you have an income and good money habits, wouldn't deter me from dating you. Had a guy ask if he should marry the love of his life after finding out she is 376k in debt while making 60k. Told him flat out no.

I think that as long as the person acknowledged the debt and was making active efforts in paying it off, it wouldn't bother me.

Me and my fiancee are about 200k in debt (each) from undergrad and professional school. However neither of us are worried about it because our income is good and by living as if we were still students we will be debt free soon. 100k isn't bad at all especially since you have an income and good money habits, wouldn't deter me from dating you. Had a guy ask if he should marry the love of his life after finding out she is 376k in debt while making 60k. Told him flat out no.

Whoa, 376k....That is a terrifying amount.

For me, if I were dating someone and he admitted he had the same amount of debt I do from school, it honestly would not deter me from dating him. I think it may be unrealistic to expect anyone NOT to have had some student loan debt - my main concern would be what is echoed among most here: that the debt is not from irresponsibility in how they handle their finances, poor spending habits, etc. That stuff signals more financial worries than choosing a very expensive school to attend when one was 18.

But, my ex boyfriend was in finance and I felt like he viewed my student loans as a real con. He had his own, but he made an extreme amount of money each year through his job (at least 4 million/year.) He would frequently talk about how he wanted to 'take care of me' and foot the bill for literally everything, but it made me uncomfortable and I really avoided discussing finances as a result. We had different lives and career tracks and I often felt like he was making me out to be somehow less capable of managing money than he was, even though I am a pro penny-pincher and refused to spend beyond my very limited means. So, perhaps I have some insecurities from that. Finances were by no means a factor in our breaking up, but it left me wondering how to navigate that in my relationships...

You shouldn't feel insecure from that experience. His wage is in the top .1%, must have been strange dating someone like that but I wont lie if I had that kind of income I would have "sugar daddy" tendencies myself.

Good luck to the person trying to find someone educated who doesn't have student loan debt.

All in all student debt is the most "respectable" type of debt to have. 100k in credit cards is a lot more of a red flag than student loans.

I don't think you should have a problem as long as you are capable of paying your monthly bills.

To me, student loan debt is different than credit card debt. 100K in credit card debt would be a dealbreaker.

Student loan debt would not necessarily be a dealbreaker unless the person got a bachelor's and master's in something and decided that they didn't want to do that field and wanted to bus tables instead. Because that shows a lack of commitment.

If the person is employed and is paying down the debt - and always looking for ways to consolidate or reduce, then that's all I could ask for. It would be a dealbreaker if they took out a 100K loan when they were 30 vs 17 because they should know better and I would expect them to find scholarships and grants, work their way through school, etc, if they were starting college then. At 17, it shows a lack of good guidance from their parents (i mean, is the dream school realistic or can they only get that degree at that school? If I had a 17 year old, I would make sure that they wanted that school because it was the only one that had that degree they wanted vs they just loved their sports teams, etc. And they might have to go somewhere cheaper to get their basics out of the way.)

Good luck to the person trying to find someone educated who doesn't have student loan debt.

 

All in all student debt is the most "respectable" type of debt to have. 100k in credit cards is a lot more of a red flag than student loans.

 

I don't think you should have a problem as long as you are capable of paying your monthly bills.

I know many people who worked their way through school - it took them longer than 4 years and they also looked for every opportunity where they could work at a company that paid for part of their education even though it was not their dream job, or looked for little known small scholarships and went to community college to get their basics out of the way. Or they even moved in with a relative who lived near the school to qualify for in state tuition if they really wanted to go out of state. I also know people who went to trade school and are making way more than people who have a 4 year degree or even a master's. And yes, I consider them "well educated." No one in my immediate family and no one on my mother's side of the family have student loans - and the age ranges are in college to early 40s.

You shouldn't feel insecure from that experience. His wage is in the top .1%, must have been strange dating someone like that but I wont lie if I had that kind of income I would have "sugar daddy" tendencies myself.

Yeah, in the two years we dated he never once let me pay for anything - I had to sneak it (buying the tab while he was in the restroom, surprising him with a ticket to a concert,that kinda thing). He had worked extremely hard for his money(he came from a poor family), so I had great respect for his success, and my insecurities were completely my own in that. He never shamed me for it- also, he came from a very traditional background where the man was just expected to take care of all of that. I just occasionally felt overwhelmed by "well, what do I bring to this partnership then?" Again, as you can tell, our financial differences were not the reason for our split.

I know many people who worked their way through school - it took them longer than 4 years and they also looked for every opportunity where they could work at a company that paid for part of their education even though it was not their dream job, or looked for little known small scholarships and went to community college to get their basics out of the way. Or they even moved in with a relative who lived near the school to qualify for in state tuition if they really wanted to go out of state. I also know people who went to trade school and are making way more than people who have a 4 year degree or even a master's. And yes, I consider them "well educated." No one in my immediate family and no one on my mother's side of the family have student loans - and the age ranges are in college to early 40s.

that's great about your family and situation. As I said, if I could go back in time I would try to handle things differently. I gained every scholarship I went for in school and also worked the entire time too, but the school I chose was way too expensive for me to be in the same shoes. I have never gone a week without working in some way or another; it's not a lack of working or income, it's just the amount of debt from the loans I had to take out that I'm facing. For me to have worked more than I did, I would not have ever earned my degree. I was insanely busy during those four years and graduated with honors and a full-ride to an amazing graduate school following. I wish I could change the clock and choose a different undergrad, but also feel proud of all that I've achieved. Just a bit of a catch-22.

To me, student loan debt is different than credit card debt. 100K in credit card debt would be a dealbreaker.

 

Student loan debt would not necessarily be a dealbreaker unless the person got a bachelor's and master's in something and decided that they didn't want to do that field and wanted to bus tables instead. Because that shows a lack of commitment.

If the person is employed and is paying down the debt - and always looking for ways to consolidate or reduce, then that's all I could ask for. It would be a dealbreaker if they took out a 100K loan when they were 30 vs 17 because they should know better and I would expect them to find scholarships and grants, work their way through school, etc, if they were starting college then. At 17, it shows a lack of good guidance from their parents (i mean, is the dream school realistic or can they only get that degree at that school? If I had a 17 year old, I would make sure that they wanted that school because it was the only one that had that degree they wanted vs they just loved their sports teams, etc. And they might have to go somewhere cheaper to get their basics out of the way.)

This makes total sense to me too - I have frustration about my decision when i was naiive and had zero understanding of what it would mean for my life, BUT, I am using that degree constantly and have had amazing life experiences as a result (hence currently living in Europe - a dream of mine - continuing the career track in a very competitive place). I agree, it would bother me if someone had taken out that much debt and then quit the job for something that would not challenge or stretch him at all. And definitely if it were credit card debt - that's a totally different ballgame IMO.

Just now seeing this but had to respond because I am in a similar situation.

I'd say that in some ways you seem ahead of many people who have student loan debt. Some don't have a job, some are very underemployed, some live with their parents, some have messed-up credit from not paying their loans, many work outside of their field for various reasons.

What really matters is not that you have the debt but how it affects you. For example, I live with my parents and have nothing that a lot of people expect someone my age to have because I can't afford it. (I live in the US) My loan payments equal a car payment and rent payment where I live, and then I have to pay health insurance, too. And I can't not pay most of my loans because they're private, unless I want to mess up my credit and be harassed by collectors. So, in my case, it matters. Most people don't attend the kind of schools I attended, so even people who went to college don't really understand my situation. The one person I met who did get it went to the same kind of schools I did and got her grad degree in the same field, so she knew all of the challenges and was having them herself. Understanding where she was coming from, I didn't think twice about dating her. But with everyone else, I constantly hear jokes about living with parents as an adult and how you're a loser, period, and "requirements" that the person has his/her "own everything" and crap about not being a real adult and assumptions that people who live with parents have never lived on their own.

So it can matter more than people here are leading you to believe, but that's because it's not really about the debt. Some prospects will not like that you don't live by yourself, for example, or don't own your own place at 31.

I do have to say, too, that I don't care if you don't work in your field. You can't make a blanket judgment just because someone went to school, has debt and waits tables. You have to get to know the person and find out why that's the case, what are they hoping to do, etc. I was never able to get a job in the field I went to grad school for, loans started coming due and I took some low-paying jobs just to bring money in. Now I am interested in another field, which I was considering before grad school anyway, and have worked in it some, mainly temp contracts...but need more skills to move on to better jobs in that field and am back to low-paying crap until I get those skills. My ex also struggled to find work in the field we went to school for and took temp jobs in the field rather than abandon it for more steady work like I did. I don't know what she's doing now, though.