Alcoholic or not?

I'll try to get straight to the point -- I'm engaged to a wonderful guy who I often wonder if he's an alcoholic or not. Before I met him, he had a DUI on his record, a drunken incident with police or 2, and a history of drinking too much in general. Every time I start to think maybe he's just young and immature/ absuses alcohol VS being an alcoholic, I find something else that makes me wonder. At first, he would just get overly emotional every time he drank. Before we moved in together, I thought he only drank on the weekends then came to realize quickly he drank almost every night. About a month ago, he left the oven on all night and it appeared as though he passed out on the couch drunk. (We have different schedules so I'm in bed early and he's up late every night). After that incident, he says he's drinking less and then on Sunday night he accidentally fell asleep on the couch and there was about a 2 liter bottle of vodka out and it's been an awkward dance around the topic ever since. Anytime I bring up the possibility that he has a problem with alcohol, he says he likes drinking and it relaxes him but I don't really think that "liking" it makes it any less of a risk! In a separate incident over the summer, he wrecked his truck on his way to get beer (only about 6 months after getting his license back from DUI #1) and when I first asked him he said he didn't have anything to drink before he left -- he says he swerved to miss a deer BTW -- but when push came to shove he admitted that he had a beer or 2 before he left the house. Well I still wonder if there was ever a deer and hope for the possibility that he's just young and dumb but can't handle the hidden booze and lies it creates. I've looked up high functioning alcoholic and he seems to be headed there. So, has anyone ever seen someone like this turnaround and control their habit better or does he already have a problem? I don't think he will stop drinking altogether right now so I want some advice on what I should do next, if anything. I know these issues need to be addressed sensitively but it also hurts me to constantly wonder if there's more than meets the eye.

Our counselor once asked him if he could only drink with me. He said yes, then he continued to drink alone shortly after that and when I brought it up, he said he forgot about it. Yeah right. I just want help as to what im supposed to do now. I love him and I want this to work. Other blogs say I need to be patient understanding but where's the fine line drawn as to how much I protect myself and how much I try not to stir up a difficult situation? Also, I'll drink wine on some weekends with him - do I need to stop drinking in front of him?

Thank you..

He is an alcoholic. I suggest you pick up reading material or attend Al-Anon meetings for partners of alcoholics. You are in for a very difficult life if you marry him.

Before I met him, he had a DUI on his record, a drunken incident with police or 2, and a history of drinking too much in general.

Stop right there. Yep, alcoholic. And it's a major dealbreaker if he was DUI. I lost two friends who were killed by a drunk driver. One of them was a single mother and her child was taken by the state since the father was not in the picture.

It's reckless action. It's not a "small accident" to look over.

Anytime I bring up the possibility that he has a problem with alcohol, he says he likes drinking and it relaxes him but I don't really think that "liking" it makes it any less of a risk! In a separate incident over the summer, he wrecked his truck on his way to get beer (only about 6 months after getting his license back from DUI #1) and when I first asked him he said he didn't have anything to drink before he left -- he says he swerved to miss a deer BTW -- but when push came to shove he admitted that he had a beer or 2 before he left the house.

Dump this guy. For real. He doesn't care about potentially killing an innocent person.

Our counselor once asked him if he could only drink with me. He said yes,

What kind of S*y advice is this? He needs to stop altogether.

Both of you need to agree that in order for the relationship to continue you will both stop drinking entirely, him because there are issues, and you to support him.

If he is unable to quit drinking on his own (very likely) than he is to admit he has a problem and start AA immediately upon his first transgression.

This must be presented as an unequivocal deal breaker that you must be willing to enforce- meaning that if he does not agree to those terms you are going to walk.

First step is you need to admit yourself that he is a full blown alcoholic.

Second stet is you need to understand that unless HE decides that he must kick the habit, nothing will ever change.

Now there are some hard realities about kicking the habit - you can't make him see the light and most alcoholics will only decide that they need help and need to quit once they have hit absolute rock bottom. As in lost everything - their relationships, their jobs, etc. Face down in the gutter in the most literal sense of the word. For some even that is not wake up call enough, but for many, nothing will change until they reach that point.

So what it means to you is that for as long as you lecture him and drag him to counseling but do not leave him you are in effect enabling his alcoholism.

Even if you do leave him, it doesn't mean that he will suddenly have an epiphany and seek help. Keep in mind that he is in deep and even the consequences of multiple DUI's, suspended licenses, reduced work prospects, etc. - none of these consequences have been sufficient for him to stop drinking. He is not just an alcoholic, he is hard core addicted. The pull of the addiction is stronger than the pain of consequences in his mind.

Finally, even if he does manage to stop drinking at some point, realize that addiction never really goes away. Every single day he has to make the choice to keep away from alcohol and some days are going be harder than others. Alcoholics never get cured, the ones who succeed in kicking the addiction simply develop tools and willpower to stay away. Unfortunately, that means for you that if you marry an alcoholic, there will ALWAYS be a risk of relapse even if they haven't touched the stuff in years.

Ultimately, love is not enough and I think you need to think long and hard about future consequences of marrying an alcoholic. If you hope to have children......picture a life where you have to explain to your child why daddy is drunk and acting weird...yet again.....what kind of a life will that child have? There is also the fact that addiction can be passed on.

If alcohol affects his life negatively, to the point of him endangering himself and others, and he can't stop or won't stop then yes, he's an alcoholic.

It's one thing to binge drink with your frathouse on weekends, most outgrow that the minute they have to get a job or give it up the first time they have to get up early for a work function. An alcoholic will keep making mistakes, get into trouble with the law over their drinking, make lots of promises about not drinking and keep doing it.

He was likely an alcoholic before you started dating. You overlooked some pretty huge red flags: DUI and incident involving cops a time or two is not a little thing.

And I have said this on these forums so often I should probably just do a cut and paste, my father was an alcoholic. What it took him to get free of the booze was nearly as hard as what the booze caused him to do. It is not for the faint of heart. And this is not the guy to have kids with, not if he drinks and drives at all or ever has, because being drunk and getting behind the wheel is the equivalent of walking down the street firing off a handgun at random. Sure you may not hit anyone and kill them, or you just might, but what does anyone out there do to deserve having their lives placed at risk by a drunk a$$$Hole like that?

P.S. My best friend was killed by a drunk driver years after my dad got sober. My father cried for nearly two months every day over it, having come to realize it could well have been him that stole a life, not just had one stolen from him since he loved the guy like a son, me like a brother.

So think long and hard on this one. This guy won't stop drinking until the day he decides to stop, and that doesn't usually happen for alcoholics until they hit rock bottom meaning they lose everything and are going to die if they don't stop. Or they kill someone. Or they go to jail. Or they don't stop drinking and just eventually die from liver/kidney failure or doing something so stupid while drunk they fall victim to a brutal accident.

There's your potential future with this guy. And I am telling you this from having sat on all sides of it. Not a good future to have, the bigger question in this is why you ignored clear red flags and keep downplaying his behaviors that place lives at risk, his, yours, anyone in his vicinity's when he's drunk. And yeah, sometimes when they're sober too 'cause a hangover slows reaction time, makes people stupid and do stupid things as well.

I'm sorry for those who have lost people to drunk driving. I know how terrible it is. I think I ignored the red flags because I wanted to believe that he was just a "kid" acting out after a difficult childhood or something. I knew I was going against better judgment but fell in love with him and here I am. I am conflicted because I know accepting him as an alcoholic means I'm in for a lifetime of trouble but I'm not in the "I'll just get over him" mindset because everything else about him is what I wanted in a spouse and we have a lot of plans already (wedding plans, life ideals,..). I'm not ready to walk away from that because I love him and being with him too much to be able to give us up. For what it's worth, we don't want children so for now I'm more concerned about my wellbeing and searching for hope for him. I do want to see what Al-Anon is all about, to see what I'm in for and learn more about other relationships with alcohol in the picture.

Admitting to myself that he's a full blown alcoholic is the phase I'm currently struggling with. Not easy, but I did come here for a reason so thanks for the suggestion.

You are in for a life of lies, deceit and broken promises. Your relationship with him not be his primary relationship...that will be with alcohol. You will miss holidays and family parties. You will be alienated from your family as you try and hide why he can't come to Thanksgiving dinner because he started drinking at 10am because "it's a holiday". You will lose friends because you constantly cancel at last minute...because he hasn't come home.

Sound like fun? Sound like love?

Our counselor once asked him if he could only drink with me. He said yes, then he continued to drink alone shortly after that and when I brought it up, he said he forgot about it. Yeah right. I just want help as to what im supposed to do now. I love him and I want this to work. Other blogs say I need to be patient understanding but where's the fine line drawn as to how much I protect myself and how much I try not to stir up a difficult situation? Also, I'll drink wine on some weekends with him - do I need to stop drinking in front of him?

And what blogs are these??? Stop reading them. They are written by enablers and codependents if they are telling you that there is a fine line between protecting yourself and stirring things up. When you treat alcoholics gingerly and clean up their vomit to not cause a stir, you are almost as bad as the person who is convincing them "its just one little drink". Your job is to protect YOU - that is your number one job. Honestly, postpone this wedding PRONTO. And he will not change unless he hits rock bottom on his own before he will seek help on his own and that could take years. I think your counselor is not worth a hill of beans if they are making him promise to only drink with you. They clearly do not understand alcoholism and if they are not advising you clearly that he needs AA and that you should not drink with him at ALL - and is not telling you to postpone the marriage - then get a new counselor.

You do not want to deliberately choose a life as the wife of an alcoholic and that is what you are doing - you have two eyes open and you KNOW his issue. And he has no wish at all to change! If he had one DUI and wasn't scared straight over it - then YES he is an alcoholic and it wasn't just one night of being young and stupid. If someone just did a dumb thing - they would run in the opposite direction and be too scared to drink again practically but he can't stop. By marrying this man or remaining engaged, you are sending your future kids down a very bad path as well. even if they are not alcoholic, how many people come here talking about the hole in their lives from living with an alcoholic parent - either the volitility, embarrassment, lack of feeling loved, lack of being able to form healthy adult relationships.etc.

Please, give back the ring and walk far away

This man is a Grade A, full blown, alcoholic. My father and most of my uncles were alcoholics. My ex husband was an alcoholic. Stay with this guy and you will feel unending pain of a severity you can't even imagine. Life with an alcoholic is HELL!!!!!

I'm sorry for those who have lost people to drunk driving. I know how terrible it is. I think I ignored the red flags because I wanted to believe that he was just a "kid" acting out after a difficult childhood or something. I knew I was going against better judgment but fell in love with him and here I am. I am conflicted because I know accepting him as an alcoholic means I'm in for a lifetime of trouble but I'm not in the "I'll just get over him" mindset because everything else about him is what I wanted in a spouse and we have a lot of plans already (wedding plans, life ideals,..). I'm not ready to walk away from that because I love him and being with him too much to be able to give us up. For what it's worth, we don't want children so for now I'm more concerned about my wellbeing and searching for hope for him. I do want to see what Al-Anon is all about, to see what I'm in for and learn more about other relationships with alcohol in the picture.

 

Admitting to myself that he's a full blown alcoholic is the phase I'm currently struggling with. Not easy, but I did come here for a reason so thanks for the suggestion.

All those things are never going to become a reality because he is an alcoholic. Your dreams will turn to dust, lies, being broke, him drifting from job to job until he can't get one, etc. You looking in your wallet to find that money has been stolen, etc. Your marriage reality is going to be coming home after a long day at work to find him lying on the floor in his own puke and pee passed out cold drunk. Your "romantic" evening will be cleaning up that mess.

Then there is also the degenerating personality. Alcoholics often will become angry, volatile, depressed, mood swings.

There is the what you want your life to be and there is the what your life will be and they are not even on the same planet. If you want your dreams to be true, you better find a man who is not an addict.

You don't want to see the truth- what everyone here is saying because you love him. I understand. I was you a few years back.

Love yourself more. Please.

It won't get better unless he gets sober and commits to staying that way.

You deserve better. Again- love yourself more.

All those things are never going to become a reality because he is an alcoholic. Your dreams will turn to dust, lies, being broke, him drifting from job to job until he can't get one, etc. You looking in your wallet to find that money has been stolen, etc. Your marriage reality is going to be coming home after a long day at work to find him lying on the floor in his own puke and pee passed out cold drunk. Your "romantic" evening will be cleaning up that mess.

 

Then there is also the degenerating personality. Alcoholics often will become angry, volatile, depressed, mood swings.

 

There is the what you want your life to be and there is the what your life will be and they are not even on the same planet. If you want your dreams to be true, you better find a man who is not an addict.

This pretty much covers life with an alcoholic.

No amount of love from you will solve this problem. If you marry this man you are signing up to a life of misery. Sorry to be so blunt, but I know what I'm talking about. Get out now.

Do me a favour....read your post as if your future daughter wrote it.....what would you advise her to do?