losing friends

I am noticing a pattern in my life that is bothering me. I have the ability to make friends, but not keep them and I don't know why. No one tells me. I am a mother, and I actually do have people who are my friends, so maybe i just click with them, but I am noticing sometimes people just drop out of my life without warning and I am not sure what I have done. I wonder if I said something, didn't get close enough, wasn't open enough, etc. I worry about it. I have had several friends tell me they didn't want their husbands around me in a joking way but then they dropped away from me. I am sure there is NOTHING i do that is inappropriate with their husbands unless its completely subconscious because i go out of my way NOT to talk to husbands. I haven't asked anyone, should I ? just really depressed and whenever I start a new friendship i am strarting to wonder when they will dump me. bleh.

If they openly tell you they don't want you around their husbands there must be an element of threat to them in regards to your interaction with men in general or because of something in your dating history that isn't kosher with them.

Or perhaps you are quite stunning and their husbands have said so to them and they are the type that him noticing and voicing such a thing would cause them to be insecure.

Anyway. All speculation because we aren't there to ask them why they do it but it is common for people to come in and out of our lives. That's why it's so special when we do make a good friend that gets us.

Extremely difficult for any of us to say without observing you.

One thing I know is some people tend to liberally apply the term "friend" when "acquaintance" would be more accurate. It may be that your expectations are outside the scope.

I'm also wondering how often you're hanging out with the husband around if their being a consideration is becoming a habit. Since you're talking about individual friends dropping out of the picture, I'm assuming this isn't a group of friends. I understand if they're married, you're obviously going to see them occasionally, but I would think you'd being doing more things one on one with each other.

Are you a single mother? The stigma of being desperate for a man could be factoring in as well. Not that it's fair or accurate, but if you're peeping your head in while the husband is around, they may question your motives.

Or it could just be that as people age, they tend to stick to what and who they already know.

Again, could be a lot of things or it could be nothing.

A couple of thoughts...

I used to worry about this myself. A few things helped me...

First I read a few books. One was Friendshifts and the other was

What Did I Do Wrong?: What to Do When You Don't Know Why the Friendship Is Over.

I'm not exactly sure if anything they said was helpful, but it definitely helped to realize I'm not alone!

Another thought- Try reading one of my favorites: The Four Agreements. It's a little too new-agey for me, but one major point is "take nothing personally." You hear this advice a lot, but somehow when I read that book it clicked.

Also, let's say you did something really crappy. You actually did do something wrong. In a beautiful, healthy friendship, a true and loyal friend would be able to call you out on your misbehavior. Then you apologize, then you repair the breach. All good! We are not brought up to do this! I have only 1 girlfriend who can accept honest, respectful feedback and dish it back. This is why sisters are often good friends. They can argue and it's not the end of the world. These type of people are rare, requires major communication skills and so much confidence and good self-esteem, which explains why you haven't found one (or as many as you want) yet. Keep looking. It's like freaking dating!

I will chime in with Dizzyagain,

I also feel that people come and go in my life and I do feel awful each time there is a rift (I work hard at being a good and thoughtful friend) . Often I am the one who leaves and perhaps it is my own self-protection style. When I find that I have invested a lot of emotional energy, care and time in a friendship and don't feel that I am at least supported or cared for when I would need it, I feel the imbalance and feel hurt and possibly even resentful.

If there is something about the person I value (honest, sweet but thoughtless) and I would like to make it work with that person, I call them on it because I believe in a two way friendship / relationship. (It is never really equal by the way, but there has to be a foundation of trust, respect and mutual exchange). If they are able to accept and acknowledge the validity of my concerns, then we can work something out.

UNFORTUNATELY in reality the majority of people don't like to be confronted with anything that may have hurt another person (by action, words or inaction). If they start to sense we are unhappy with them... they can just drop out of the relationship. These people are often too insecure themselves to be either real friends or just don't have the communication skills to work through it. Some just don't want to face the issue. HOWEVER, I am proud of myself that I have the COURAGE to try to make it work. It is difficult to tell them but this way I know I've made every effort to try to make it work... so in the end it isn't me but it is them what dropped the ball and let the friendship fail. You have to be courageous because some will lash out in defensiveness and may in fact hurt you even more .... (so be warned if you try this).

I've read that SPIRITUALLY we develop and grow most in relationship with others (from both positive and negative situations). Those who just run are missing out on an opportunity to learn and grow. Don't give up but each person has their own individual personality and view of the world and of "their truth". I agree that we often call "acquaintances", "friends" ... Real friends are few and far in between and we are truly blessed if we have just one.

thank you for these resources, i have never heard of these books!! i guess i need to stop putting pressure that every friendship will work out

I'm definitely not hanging out with husbands, and I am married. i am not sure what it is, but its almost as if after we get together and their husband is around, they kind of drop off. its getting to the point where i don't want to meet their husbands and i avoid them because it has happened 3 times now. My husband doesn't think i do anything in appropriate either. I don't know, thats just one thing. you're right i think maybe i am working too hard to make people friends that really should just be acquaintances.

I lose acquaintances all the time. The reason is always they same, and it's the same for you. They don't like me anymore. And I really don't care. I don't take it personal. I'm just not their cup of tea. And since I don't do anything to hurt them, I didn't do anything wrong.

There are very few friends that I care enough about that would hurt me by leaving. But I don't think they would without addressing the problem. And even when they leave, I won't take it personal, and I'll get over it. I've had to leave some friends. They know why, it wasn't malicious and I still care for them.

The only thing you're doing wrong is worrying too much about it. You're the only one who needs your approval.