Time to go?

Hello everyone.

I never thought I'd be in a position like this, but I would like to share my story as I am in a very difficult situation and would like the support. I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

I met my wife back in 2007 in London (where I was born and raised), at the time I was 20 (almost 21) and she was 26. She was born in London like myself, but after only 6 months, her parents moved to Sydney Australia, where she grew up. The reason why she was in London was because her father was a very suppressive, and verbally abusive person towards her. He and her mother were constantly fighting, and she always ended up in the middle. He didn't really allow her to have a social life, often complaining and making it very difficult for her to interact with her friends and so forth. One night he attacked her for coming home at 11:30pm, she wasn't driving and was dropped off last. Needless to say, a daughter should idolise her father, but in this case it lead to a severe breakdown where she decided to leave for London. She ended up living with her Aunty in London (mum's sister) and even started teaching there following her qualification and professional life.

After about 4 years of being in London, and incidentally the year she was meant to go back to Sydney, she met me through a mutual friend. We got on very well and it was amazing for me to have met such a level headed and loving person. I learnt about her past after several months and years progressively. She did explain when we met that she wanted to go back to Sydney, and I agreed considering her family were all living over there. Our relationship blossomed over time. I was quite an introvert, and she did bring me out my shell in some respects, but as I grew up I naturally become more confident in myself. I was her first real boyfriend, and she was my 4th girlfriend.

My wife stayed in London to see how our relationship would develop, and after 3 years we got engaged. That year, 2010, we found out her mother developed breast cancer. My wife felt very guilty about not being there for her mother and I could see how hard it was for her, especially considering how her mother constantly told her that her father and brother weren't looking after her very well. She had always told my wife that if she ever became unwell, not to leave her side as this is what happened with her own mother who passed away while she was abroad. We ended up flying out to Aus for the British Summer for 5 weeks where I met her family with my mother, they held an engagement party for us at home and it was genuinely a lovely experience. It took me some time to find my feet as I had never been anywhere apart from Cyprus (my home country) and the UK. I remember my wife had picked up on this and she said on the way to the cinema in the car "if you can't do it here in Sydney, why did we bother getting engaged for?". I didn't really understand why she said that at the time, but as usual, I said to myself by the time we get married I'll be ready for the move, as long as I'm with her.

The following summer (2011) we went to Cyprus and we met each others extended families. Please bare in mind that we still hadn't been living together, as culturally it was not acceptable until we were married. She was still living at her Aunty, and I was living with my parents. Anyway, the holiday in Cyprus was great and we were both very happy and content. The following year in 2012, we finally got married. We had a registry in London, the reception in Cyprus a month later, and a year later another reception in Sydney for her family. She had moved in with me by this point; but my father constantly asked both of us to buy an investment property together in case it didn't work out in Sydney. My wife never acknowledged any of it and kept dismissing the idea.

Unfortunately, when we did get married we found out that her mother (who had recovered from breast cancer) now had a brain tumour (benign). When I found out, I sat my wife down and said that if she wanted to stay with her mother the following year in Sydney (2013) she could. The plan was that we would have our wedding in Sydney in August 2013, I would go back to London to finish my work contract, and then move out to Sydney in January of 2014. Come December 2013, my company offered me a promotion which I had been working towards for almost 4 years. I didn't anticipate it would come up, but it put me into a difficult place. I had missed my wife so much, but I knew that the experience would certainly help me get an even better job in Sydney. I wanted to support my wife as best I could, but I also knew that some opportunities can lead to bigger ones. My wife came to London in January 2014 to help me move to Sydney.

I sat her down and explained the work situation which presented itself a few days before she came. She was extremely upset with me, and told me that if I didn't go she would leave me. I asked her to stay and said we can make this work together. I told her that being apart wasn't healthy and that the work opportunity was very important for me. I suggested that her teaching role (who left her contract open for another year in case she came back) would take her back and we could visit her mother in the Summer until I was ready to leave. She point blanked refused. Even her parents told her to stay but she still refused. I tried my best to be understanding to her mothers circumstance but felt that it shouldn't be her responsibility. Her mother after all had a benign tumour, it didnt impact her daily life. And to this day, she still works, drives, functions, cares for the grandchildren, is social and lives a normal life. The tumour is not life-threatening and thankfully hasn't grown nor caused any serious problems. I am not undermining her condition, I know it's difficult, but I am questioning where our marriage comes into it and whether this should take priority when there is an option to have both.

My wife decided to return accepting that I needed more time. She told me to seek therapy as she felt I may have anxiety issues. I listened and did so for that whole year. For the rest of 2014 we were apart. My work sky rocketed and it even took me to the company's Head quarters where I worked in massive projects. I kept communication open and tried my best with the circumstance. My in-laws were very negative and started to talk very negatively of me towards her, which then started to come across as horrible comments. I didn't understand where this was coming from. She would tell me things that really broke my heart. Despite this, and thinking she would leave me, she stayed.

At the end of 2014, my company offered me a massive promotion which would have seen me earn a massive amount of money but I declined it. I knew that if I took it I'd lose my wife. So I decided to take my experiences with me and move to Sydney. And so I did. When I got there things were ok for a few days, then massive cracks started to appear. Things were different, and I guess I was naive at the time, but I didn't anticipate it would be so different. I realised the abundance of negativity and lack of support from her parents changed her behaviour towards me. Almost resentful; a lot about the past kept coming up and I repeatedly reminded her that we agreed upon the circumstances so we should be responsible for supporting each-other and parents should also support us. I'm not agreeing that the time apart wouldn't affect us, but there was too much involvement from her parents. Within a matter of a few weeks things became terrible, we weren't even sleeping in the same bed. I didn't understand what was going on. It was so bad, that I ended up leaving after 5 weeks. This is where I believe I made a crucial mistake, but I was suffocating in that house. I told her I needed time away to think about what I would do. She told me not to find work when I got back to London and to prioritise us (which I felt I had always been trying to do).

Needless to say, 2015 was the worst year of my life. Not working depleted my funds. I couldn't get back to work even if I tried, I lost my opportunity for the big promotion. I couldn't even get back into the company. I was then stuck in limbo, I became incredibly depressed and was hovering in a state of uncertainty. I was so shaken from the whole reunification that I was afraid of going back. I felt that I was always contending with her desire to be in Australia and to be with her mum; I felt that our relationship couldn't be otherwise so after seeking a lot of personal counselling I decided to give it another shot. I have been back in Sydney since November. I have actively looked for work every day, sending 100s and 100s of applications. I've only been able to get temp work doing very basic, warehouse type work. I don't mind starting like this initially, and this isn't my problem. My problem are her parents, mainly her father who last year told my wife to leave me a dozen times, was told she was stupid for staying with me, making me realise yet again all of their negativity has got into our relationship and ruined everything. I understand my attitude towards work may have impacted on us, but I did that for US. She has done everything for them, and has openly admitted she put her mother first.

It isn't a surprise things are now like this. Since being here, her father and her have had 4 very very bad arguments leaving my wife hysterical. She has accused him of ruining her life. He is a very stubborn, selfish and constantly stressing man. Last week he tried to argue with me, I remained calm and told him everything and asked him why he would insist on not supporting us. He accuses me of not loving her, when everything I have done since I've met her has been for her and us. I've lost all of my finances, work commitments for the love I have for my wife. The day after the argument with he father, I told her I have had enough and would like to return home. She replied, "if you want to go go". Her father did not allow her to buy a house saying "if you get divorced he will take it off you". This was way back last year, we have NEVER in our time together had our own space. She was adverse to paying rent, and said she would rather pay towards a mortgage.

Long story short guys, I am emotionally drained. Our relationship has no intimacy, no connection, and we have both been left feeling very bitter towards everything. I feel like I have tried everything I possibly can. I see her mother who still functions like anyone else and can't help think that it has been used to her advantage to be here in Australia (I know this might sound horrible, but if it was about the marriage wouldn't we be together until we can go? I never said no to Australia, I just needed more time) I'm now 29 and feel like I have to rebuild my life again. I have done everything she has asked of me, even going to therapy with her here with a marriage therapist. Nothing has improved and now I feel like the only thing to do is go our separate ways.

I always thought it was the wrong decision considering that I've felt upset thinking about it, and considering how much I love her. But I have realised that love can only do so much; other factors matter in a relationship. Love has bought me this far, but it hasn't saved the relationship. I read that couples who divorce are still in love most of the time, but separate due to simply there being no other alternative.

I know I seem like I know what I need to do, I guess as I'm alone here I have no one to talk to. I talk to my family and friends in the UK, but the time difference makes it hard for me to have that support all the time. Perhaps I'm seeking advice from a mutual ground.

Apologies for the long winded post, I just want to know I'm doing the right thing.

Thanks for caring.

I think being in love with someone is completely different from being suitable to marry that person. Some people are never supposed to be married.

I believe that if there are so many family issues, and problems with distance, and traveling and etc people shouldn't even try to get married, because the marriage is doomed to fail.

I don't want you to regret your decisions in life, but I am giving you advice so that you do not make the same mistake again - don't marry someone with so much emotional baggage and so many family problems. That is doomed to be a mess. It never works. The marriage of my parents has always been tragical because of this. I don't believe a couple's love can be strong enough to surpass the power of a dysfunctional family around them.

Unfortunately, I think it's time to divorce from your wife. I think you're doing the right thing. You may suffer for a while thinking she was the right one and that you love her but honestly - don't look back. I even advise you to go completely NC after the divorce, that's the only way you'll overcome this. And when you're ready start dating again, you're still very young. Please don't choose someone with so much baggage again.

I suggested that her teaching role (who left her contract open for another year in case she came back) would take her back and we could visit her mother in the Summer until I was ready to leave. She point blanked refused. Even her parents told her to stay but she still refused. I tried my best to be understanding to her mothers circumstance but felt that it shouldn't be her responsibility.

 

My in-laws were very negative and started to talk very negatively of me towards her, which then started to come across as horrible comments. I didn't understand where this was coming from. She would tell me things that really broke my heart. Despite this, and thinking she would leave me, she stayed.

 

I'm not agreeing that the time apart wouldn't affect us, but there was too much involvement from her parents. Within a matter of a few weeks things became terrible, we weren't even sleeping in the same bed. I didn't understand what was going on. It was so bad, that I ended up leaving after 5 weeks. This is where I believe I made a crucial mistake, but I was suffocating in that house. I told her I needed time away to think about what I would do. She told me not to find work when I got back to London and to prioritise us (which I felt I had always been trying to do).

 

I have been back in Sydney since November. I have actively looked for work every day, sending 100s and 100s of applications. I've only been able to get temp work doing very basic, warehouse type work. I don't mind starting like this initially, and this isn't my problem. My problem are her parents, mainly her father who last year told my wife to leave me a dozen times, was told she was stupid for staying with me, making me realise yet again all of their negativity has got into our relationship and ruined everything. I understand my attitude towards work may have impacted on us, but I did that for US. She has done everything for them, and has openly admitted she put her mother first.

Hey, i tried to cut and paste some things that were bothering me as i read your post.

Anyway, if you look at the words I bolded in your post, it shows that she is not loving. It seems that she is being influenced TOO MUCH by her family and especially her father who would like nothing more than to see your marriage ripped apart. Maybe he secretly can't stand to see anybody else do better/be happier than him.

You have had some relationships in the past which probably taught you some good lessons. She however, had no prior relationships and then married you. I don't think she is capable of being kind and loving as long as she is around her dysfunctional family who wants to ruin her life.

But the thing that I realllly cannot believe is how she admitted that she will put her mother first before you. WTH is wrong with her? She's at least 34 yo (!) according to your timeline. She is not respecting your marriage AT ALL. Ask her this: Would she have liked to have had her father be there more for her mother? If she says yea, then tell her you feel like you would like her to be there more for you. Maybe that will ring a bell in her head.

Once you're married, you "leave" your family to make your "own family." Right now, the closest person should be YOU to her, not her mom, not her dad, nor her brother. She's got too many voices whispering in her ear. The only voice she should be listening to is yours.

I hope that knocks some sense into her. Otherwise, maybe your marriage is doomed. And I'm not worried about you because you're still very young. You'll find the right partner this time. Her? Not so sure. She's losing a great catch. Plus her biological clock is ticking and she may never have her own children even if she wanted to.

Nuttybuddy is close when he says, ""leave" your family to make your "own family." but it's the following verse that is the actual problem:

"... ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one’?" Matthew 19:4-5

The snares of an abusive family, coupled with distance, job etc., have kept you from becoming "one".